I can't change my past - only my future.

Cheers, I intend to... just a lot to take in tonight post meeting, mixed emotions...

Thought about a pint afterwards but that could have been the excuse or trigger for you know what... decided it was not a good idea, went straight home and came on here.

Great strength bud.

Still mixed feelings, still GF.

Have managed to avoid the demon, quite proud of that.

Started 1-2-1 counselling today and found the session extremely good. So much so that I got as far as the door of what would've been my 2nd GA meeting back and walked out... I couldn't except that I am powerless, that I have no control the first time I went and I still don't believe that now.

It may prove to be a bad decision, but I don't believe it will. I am not going to attend that sort of meeting for the rest of my life, and no matter what the "one day at a time approach" is, the harsh reality of GA is that for it to work for someone, then that is what GA requires of someone.

Proud to continue to be GF.

Thanks for the post ste_ven. Just quickly scanned through your diary. I can see alot of similarities in our journeys and a desire to stop is evident for many years in both our cases.

That desire is quite clearly not enough. For me it took a life changing event to wake up to that. I handed myself over to counselling. It has been the missing piece of the jigsaw for me and I hope it will be for you also.

Whilst you may not want to attend a GA meeting for the rest of your life, it's important that we recognise that this is a rest of our lives commitment. We are complusive gamblers, it's in our make-up, it won't go away but we can learn to manage and control it.

Best of luck m8. Hope to talk again in chat soon.

Hi Steven unsure ga ask anything of you other than going in with an open mind. I don’t attend myself either. I think it works for some and not for others. Have friends that dismiss it and friends who swear their recovery to it.

Not to be critical of yourself but you’ve been here since 2012 you know maybe it’s time to admit you’re powerless? You’re powerless to addiction? Meaning you can’t gamble on your terms ever again.

One day at a time meaning improving your way of life one day at a time and that should be true what ever approach you take in recovery. Don’t be put off something because you fear a slogan. Just don’t dismiss something you might want to use at a later date.

Hopefully counselling will start to unwrap the answers you are looking for. Put some effort in ie researching your addiction there’s some helpful YouTube videos on addiction to get a better understanding. If you can get to a place where you don’t want to gamble as much as you want to gamble you’ll be fine.

Best wishes

Hiya ste ven you are doing great and I've.read your diary so many similarities with me . I go to GA and I couldn't stop with out I'm lucky to live a couple of mile from my nearest meeting and it really as a good set of people init keep going mate jft

Thanks for the posts guys, appreciated.

15 days GF... feels quite good saying that. Lottery was a temptation tonight but avoided.

Tommy - agreed, it is a full life commitment and very important to acknowledge and accept.

Wentworth - been trying to stop longer than 5 years, but I have never given it 100% focus or been 100% honest about it. My circumstances have changed, for the better thankfully, and my approach is different this time around too. I have stopped for a few months in the past and the way I look at that it was me who stopped, I made the choice... in that sense I was not powerless. Agreed, very important to take things a day at a time, but I cannot reconcile (in my head) the stone cold fact that for ga to work you must attend meetings for the rest of your life. I don't dismiss ga, I am choosing a different path, one of counselling. All the best to you in your recovery.

I admire anyone who takes that first step - whether it's coming here, ga, counselling... that is the hardest step. Whatever path we choose the road is long and treacherous, but by talking here and supporting each other we can all stay true to ourselves and remain GF.

18 days GF. I honestly don't feel up or down about that today, there have been a couple of near misses but I have stuck to it.

2nd counselling session tomorrow and really looking forward to it. No regrets about my decision not to go down the GA route again, I'm happy that between posting here, the chat rooms and the counselling I have the support in place to access it when I want to.

Payday is close but the majority of it will only be in the bank for a few hours before it goes to paying off some debt. I will be clear again at the end of 2018, and I think it is important not to get to ahead of things in that respect - the plan is in place to pay back the debt, I am keeping to payments and have enough money left over each month to survive on. It will mean not too many social events for the next 3-4 months but that is how it is, I have made my bed and I will lay in it. I am not ready to share my bank affairs with my partner, she knows my position and the reason why and is supportive but today I want to retain that side of things. I'm only carrying what I need for each day, no more, thus removing any chance of the voices leading me astray.

Hi Steven. How are you doing bud?

Things are good Ant... 31 days without a bet.

Have been keeping busy and with no counselling this week I was keeping my guard high.

I know it is early days but I feel strong this time... I am not weak, I have the control today.

Hi Steven,

We're both about the same days gamble free. How are you finding this point?

I am feeling quite strong with no urges, but I'm finding it a bit odd transitioning back into normal life. It sort of feels like there is a bit of a hole where gambling used to be. It's not a bad thing - or is it making me want to gamble again, it's just the thought that I CAN fill that time doing other things, and the realisation that I CAN spend money and be happy again. Very strange but I think it's about teaching myself to live life again.

Good luck for this next week buddy!

Hi Adam

37 days GF according to the counter on here. To be honest the only time I realise the number of days is when I login and it pops up. I'm just happy that I don't have the noise in my head that gambling causes.

I'm finding getting back to normal reasonably ok I have to say - my gambling was in binges... nothing for days or maybe 2-3 weeks then I gambled. So in terms of time I didn't commit a lot to gambling. I have a couple of ideas that I'm going to spend time working on as well which will keep my mind focussed on other things.

I think I am finding it slightly easier this time because i know I have been 100% honest with myself. My problem isn't a lottery ticket every week (though I have not even touched those in my GF time) it's quite simply going into the bookmakers and playing the machines in there. I am making a conscious choice not to go in, and ensuring that I keep in mind the time-money-location triangle as well.

1-2-1 counselling has really helped so far, again I am fully honest in there and I feel like I am regaining control of my life once again.

Will look to pop into chat tomorrow night as a Sunday evening was one of the times I used to gamble.... not any more, I choose not to gamble, I choose life!!!

Hi ste-ven,

Thanks for the post ☺.
Routine is definitely needed in our lives and as much as I am sulking about work - it is a safe place for me to stay at the end of the day!

As of the disciplinary route..i keep dodging bullets so far as quite few person's in the chain are not doing their job. I never had a chat but feel my luck is up now and I will be in for one. The thing is, I made things for myself worse as I deliberately didn't follow the procedures and broke few rules. So kind of, 2 in one is awaiting on my return.
Absolutely scared of losing my job because it's paying bills. I need to "man up" and get on with it..& possibly look for something else also. You can't keep going to the place which gives you shivers as soon as you step over that threshold. Not saying I want to go to work as to the party, but a little more positivity on those days would be welcome.

I'm not the only one breaking down, the situation recently was - " who will go off next". We all know that we cannot take much more. This time, I have broke.

Anyway, wise words I need to keep drumming in my head. Work- food, bills, roof over the head.

You're doing well! I like your approach in road ahead. You know your triggers and you're doing something about it ☺.
May see you in chat today or tommoro.

Stay safe & keep choosing life.

X

Hi Steven,

Thanks again for the diary post. I agree with what you just commented on here...it's almost like a bit of a surprise to log in and see that counter. Amazing to just sit back and think... wow, I have managed to beat this for 37 days. Truly an incredible accomplishment mate.

I still haven't got myself involved within counselling. I am considering giving it a go but it's quite an emotional leap but I think it might be something I have to do for the sake of my future happiness. Do you use the GamCare ones? What are they like?

Take care mate