i have never been here before

(((Des))),

I'm so proud of you for making that choice. I saw you pop on MSN a few times last night, but you were always gone by the time I responded. You have made a lot of changes in the past 6 months my friend, and you are strong!!

Smiling for you...

Love, Anna

HI Des

Loved your post, shows no matter what it can be done..And if you need any Brown Sauce you know where to find me xx

Glad we managed to chat, I know you are good and thanks for making me smile once again xx

You are doing good Des, doing so good xx

All My Love

Lucy

xxx

Just wanted to wish you a happy and gambling free new year.

Stay strong

Jim (last bet 22/04/06)

Its will on monday be six months since i last gambled and also since i last smoked.

I made this decision and know that no longer do i have to gamble again. I choose not to have this in my life. It matters not if this is genetic or a disease or however one wants to classify it.

I know i have the power to change.

I am empowered and believe that everyone can also make this choice and people do everyday.

I am just one of them.

On the internet there is an amazing range of recovery methods.

We all know about GA and the 12 steps but there is lifering, SOS ( save ourselves ), rational recovery, 16 steps and many others.

Find the one that works for you. The world has many recovered addicts who have used many different methods.

Gambling broke me, i did not think there was a way back. I did not think i would make it to 38 and now i am excited about everyday.

There is no one who is beyond hope.

Des x

Just want to what a positive person you are . Your posts are a pleasure to read . Well done and have a very happy 2008 .

Ty Tallpete, wishing you the best too.

I had the most amazing week at home with my family. I went with my wife to the theatre to see a work in progress. It was called " gambling " and i thought it was quite amazing. It caught the madness, the euphoria, the despair, the whole range of feelings we go through in this addiction.

It was not a written play but one that used words from interviews with gamblers, myself included.

Two sentences were used word for word that i had said. That felt pretty weird. I hope it will become a full play as they achieved so much in such a short time working.

Before the play we went to the Tate Modern to see the exhibition by louise bourgeois. It really helped for me to understand the work my wife is making towards her exhibition in april. She also is due to give birth in April.

A great night was not even spoilt by the A4 being shut and the total of eight hours driving to spend a few hours in london.

Life is so exciting, i have so much to do.

Till next time

Des

' I am a lonely visitor, i came too late to cause a stir, but i campaigned all my life, towards this goal '.

I used to medicate with words. Poetry was my prozac. I had boxes full of words when i had a clear out before i went to gordon house. I burnt all those poems. They are all gone to ash.

Now i have a new desire for art. Film and poetry , sculpture, football and painting. I wasted too much time gambling but Im not going to dwell on the past , Im passionately viewing my future.

I have not stopped gambling just cause i dont want to feel that pain again. I have stopped because i want this life i have now which is getting better and better. I refuse to play the victim. I am not a slave. No addiction will rule my life. We all have the power to change. Some of us just take time to realise it. Im glad i never gave up my power, it is what kept me sane. I only know what works for me. I am an empowered person. Addiction was my coping mechanism. Now i choose to cope in normal ways.

Hey Des. Always glad to hear from you. It sounds like things are going well and you're looking toward the future with excitement. That makes me smile!

Love, Anna

Paradoxically, it was thoughts of suicide that kept me alive.

I tread that dismal path again, a week last saturday i gambled for about 90 minutes. I havent gambled since, and im no more likely to gamble tomorrow or next week as i was a month ago.

One who has picked himself up from such depths of despair does not " start " again, but instead continues the good work.

I was a little disappointed that i CHOSE to gamble, I felt dirty in the bookies. I dont like that feeling, but im over that now.

Anyway life goes on and i have such a good life.

With love and strength

des

(((Des))),

Good to see you. And, I like the way you think, in that this is not something that will take you back to the beginning, merely a choice that you made and don't want to make again.

Love, Anna

Anna

I can always trust you to understand

xxx

Des, my friend, even though we don't get to chat as much as we used to, you know I'm always here if you want to talk. I'm so happy that things in your life are good, and you are happy. You've worked so very hard for it, and you deserve all the happiness you have!

I'm proud of you.

Love, Anna

back again

just trying to see this old diary