I need to stop before I destroy myself and everything around about me... :(

parents are parents. They will shout, kick, beat you maybe. But they are your family. You live with them. They are angry because they worry about you, they love you. In your position, and remembering how my parents reacted some 10 years ago, I would go total honest and take their hars words and actions.

Thanks for your kind words and for caring JM24. Yesterday I managed to avoid the issue of the bank statements but I did take your advice and spoke to a GAMCARE adviser on the NETLINE. We talked for a while and he suggested that I should seek SHELTER in case I was thrown out of the house also advised me to see about getting some benefits if I was kicked out of the house and had no means of support. Also seek REFUGE if I was physically abused by my parents and he also advised me to call the SAMARITIANS if I felt suicidal. Also told me to seek the RCA TRUST and find out why no one has called me yet to discuss councilling. He also suggested that perhaps I should seek treatment at a GORDON MOODY treatment centre. My own thoughts about that is how would I be able to fund the treatment for 12 weeks but I did say I would consider it? At the end of the night I felt better but in the back of my mind sooner or later the truth will come out. I also made a appointment to see a GP in the morning about my depression.

This was DAY 2 of being gambling free...

FA Thanks for your kind words and advice. Today the Regional Manager from l*******s phoned me today and we discused shops that I would potentially go to. This included 5-6 shops in Dundee which was 40 miles away, in which I had been to two and I knew potentially where some others were. Also in Edinburgh, 20 miles away where I'd used to work, he included 10-16 shops of which five I had been in before.

Well today all hell broke loose when my mother asked to see one of the bank statements and I basically stalled her for about 25 mins. When she seen the statement she basically took my glasses off and slapped me in the face a couple of times. They still haven't found out about the ISA and I haven't the strength anymore to tell them. Basically this is the last straw for them and they basically told me "I'd would be better off DEAD' several times. I tried to explain to them that I've finally realized that I had a problem and I want to stop. All previous times I didn't make the effort myself i.e self excluding or seeking councilling. But like the boy that cried WOLF this is one step too many to be forgiven.

But they didn't want to listen to this but basically YELLED and SHOUTED that I should be BETTER OFF DEAD!!!!! Basically said of all CHINESE children in our area I'm the lowest of the low.

Their only OPTION was to send me back to Hong Kong on a one way ticket. Their reasoning is that I would never abstain from GAMBLING again even with help and that they didn't want me in the house. I basically lost their trust in me. I just feel that instead of confronting the issue of why I gamble they want to send the problem AWAY. Do they not realize that in Hong Kong there are bookies as well as THE HONG KONG JOCKEY CLUB issues LOTTERY TICKETS and takes bets on FOOTBALL AND HORSES!!!!

At the moment I'm feeling kind of low about the whole situation and though I'm not blaming them I think perhaps they haven't been supportive. When it happened the second time they simply stopped giving me money for a year and one of the ways I made additional money was to go back to the dreaded FOBT machines at l*******s. At points before the 3rd relapse I won small amounts of wins which added to a large sum which I then subsquently lost and won again which made me delusional I think and that is why I continued playing them up until they left on holiday for three months. At this point I was unemployed and was given no money due to my condition. But I feel it just fuels the addiction, I understand their reaction they can't give me money as I will gamble it but if I feel sometimes that it was unfair to be paid such low wages in the first place. Perhaps with a regular wage I may not have sucumbed to the addiction but they also wanted to know where I was at times as well. Perhaps it's a CONTROL thing but unless I seek councilling I will never be able to figure it out. THEY ASKED ME WHY I GAMBLED AGAIN but I COULDN"T EXPLAIN WHY because I would be putting the BLAME on them when it's my fault really! 🙁

Anyway today has been DAY 3 GAMBLE FREE.

Congratulations on another gambling free day.

I can't begin to express how much your story upsets me, but remember talking about it is good and here no one will judge you, we've all screwed up one way or another. However, we know we have, we've taken ownership of it and are trying to take the steps to put it right again. All we can do is try each day to be a good people.

I'm sorry your parents have said those things to you. I really hope it was said out of hurt and anger and in time you can prove not only to them but to yourself that you are a good guy who just got a little lost along the way.

I don't claim to know much about the Chinese community, the little I do know is from an old school friend. I know her parents were very hard on her and she was always frightened of bringing shame on them. I don't doubt they loved her very much but I also know the pressure that they placed on her and I remember thinking, even at an early age, how unfair it was.

I think you've received some very good advice from gamcare, as I suspected, they've thought of things that I never would have.Your top priority has to be your safety. At the moment emotions are running high, both your own and your parents. Do you have somewhere you could stay for a few days? It'll give you a little breathing space to try and figure out what to do and what options you have. It'll also give you a little time to speak to your GP and the benefits office. There are people out there who can help you get back on track. Please please please, if you do feel suicidal ring the Samaritans. I can't stress that to you enough. Remember, suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I wish I could say there was a quick or easy fix to the way you're feeling, but I don't think there is. That said, you have to at least give life a chance to get better, work with the people that can help, most importantly let them try and help, you owe yourself that much.

We get one shot at this life, there is no dress rehearsal. There will always be ups and downs. Nobody knows what goes on behind the closed doors of other people's lives but I'm certain nobody out there is perfect (except maybe Leonardo DiCaprio). You are no less important than anyone else out there just because you have gambled.

Now, start imagining that life you can lead, gambling free, the people you'll meet, the places you'll visit along the way. Life can be good again my friend, I truly believe it.

Stay strong
Jess

Thanks JM24 for your kind words...today has been DAY 3 when I haven't thought about gambling or going into the bookmakers as I know every avenue for me to gamble has been closed now. It has mainly been l*******s that I go into and I have self excluded from everyone that I can possibly go into. For the record I am attracted to a certain type of ROULETTE game on the FOBT that is only available on l*******s. My delusional mind seems to think that I can win on this type of game due to my system... I think on my second relapse I did go into B*****d regularly to play KEYBET ROULETTE but the urges eventually left when the pots were reduced. I have decided now to take extra passport photos and if I am tempted to go to any other bookmakers I can hand them over and SELF EXCLUDE immediately.

I cancelled my appointment with the GP as it's not with my regular GP and I don't want to explain everything to them again.

Tonight has not been a good night at all for me and it made me realize that I may have self destructed and stopped too late. Why did I not stop when I had many chances before and why now?

After todays revelation my mother came into my room and she has now decided that I can no longer be in the same house as her and that I must leave. She asked for the house keys and told me in the morning that I must pack up all the contents of my room etc and move to my brothers vacant flat. (He is in New Zealand at the moment). She said after thinking about it that there was no point in me going back to Hong Kong as it will bring shame to the family.

Also in the morning that I will have to sign over the car to my father as they will be afraid that I will sell it to raise money to gamble. The car is registered to me but was paid through the family business and also outstanding is the family business paperwork. Which I need to do and once done I will need to pay the accountant etc but of course I've gambled it all away so I'm kind of f****d. Along with the fact that I will need to figure out how to survive in the flat with no money, job etc.

FA you did say to be honest with them but they do not know that I have accessed money from the ISA and I don't have the strength anymore to tell them. Their reaction from one bank account is enough so I'm not sure what their reaction to the ISA would be but probably the same but much worse.

My mother was very angry of course and she said me and your father scrimp and share a Mcdonalds Happy Meal to save money and you gamble it all away in a day what would be 2 months salary for a normal person. You are finished, no matter what you do in the future it's irrelevant. You're no better than a criminal and I wouldn't be surprised if you end up stealing to feed your habit.

No matter what I say or try and reason with them it's not going to make a difference as it's three strikes and you're out. They never figured out perhaps some of the problems are caused by them. The GAMCARE advisor I last spoke to seems to think it may be a connected with my relationship with them. They did ask why I GAMBLED AGAIN but perhaps they should ask themselves whether it had anything to do with them. They have never been supportive in helping me fight this addiction and instead have hidden it. Also by not giving me a fair wage and mentally abusing me with their scarastic comments and negativity it has affected my self esteem. No matter what I say or do I'm finished in their eyes and I just feel so tired, tired of fighting this addiction tired of being the perfect son that I'll never be. I can't sleep either so I've taken two sleeping tablets and hopefully tomorrow will be a good day. I hope.....

Today is not a good day in about 10-15 mins I will have to come clean and show my parents the ISA statements and it will not be pretty. Even though it's money that they saved for me I shouldn't have accessed it so I don't know whether I will be able to continue after today with the diary.

Day 9 almost over and I've had no urges to gamble today. I've taken up my fitness classes again as of last week, not long home from a new one tonight - bums and tums with body sculpt...Jesus Christ almighty, I'll not be able to move anything for at least 3 days. But I enjoyed it and feel like I've done something productive.

On a serious note, to anyone that does stumble into my diary, I've just posted into Jopski's diary. His diary is very open and very honest. I know everyone is fighting there own demons at the moment but I think Jopski really needs as much support as anyone can give right now, especially from those who are further on in their recovery. I don't think he'll be offended by my saying he's not in a good place right now. Hopefully we can help make his journey a little easier.

Stay strong everyone
Jess

Sorry Jopski, not sure what happened but I've somehow managed to post yesterday's post again???

I'll re post what should have appeared

Do you have to show them the ISA? Can you not just go to your brothers house?

I know honesty is supposed to be the best policy but in some cases I'm not sure that's always the best approach

Hi, hope you're ok and back soon

Thanks JM24 yesterday was not a good day in fact it was a very bad day which I knew would get worse when my mother kept coming into my room at night. I had caused sleepness nights for her so she has decided that she would do the same for me and kept shouting and yelling at me throughout the night. I didn't say anything at that time and tried to get as much sleep as I could...I had some anti depressants/sedative that my GP last described to me. So I took two of them and after that the voice in my head made a suggestion and I took a plastic bag and put it over my head. After 5 minutes I decided I was too much of a coward to kill myself and I took the bag off.

The morning was not much better I woke up feeling a bit dazed and sleepy after banging on my room from my mother and her shouting. She wanted to see the ISA account statements and I realized that any lies would no longer be concealed and I would have to admit the truth whether it was pretty or not. In retrospective some people said I should have tried to squirrel away some more money but I think that would have made the situation much worse. When my parents saw the ISA statement they were angry and started to berate me. I said nothing and I went with my mother to the bank where I transferred the remaining ISA money to her account and took out what was left out of the business account. They also made me sign the ownership of the car over to my father so that I would not try and sell it to gamble. When I came back to the house my father told me to pack my things and go. I went to see a lot of people in the aftermath of that, my Christian friend, my close friend and my girlfriend. Then I went to my brothers vacant flat and sat in the kitchen and cried and cried...

Hi jopski. I am by no means familliar with your culture but this sounds awful what youre going through!! At the end of the day its only money thats been lost!! Your parents should be ashamed of the mental tourture that there putting you through!! Its nor right at all... i think you need a lot of space away from them, time to get yourself sorted out. Money isnt everything. I hope you can get some proffesional help from people who can help you. This is what your parents should be doing instead of treating you like s**m. What a horrible story! Take care my friend

Jopski

fella I feel for your situation but in my mind I think you need to sit back and take stock.

You appear to want to lay the blame of where you have got to with addiction upon your parents and by your own admittence here in your first post here you became addicted to gambling and through it got into debt,to which your parents paid off all your debt and you then went on to continue to relapse many times up until the point you are at today.

The question I would ask is simple

If you had funds today would you be seeking recovery???

Or do you think by saying you are stopping gambling your parents will again bail you out??

I have walked in your shoes fella,took money from my hard working mother with only one intention, to gamble it.

This addiction is not prejudice,it is not racist,it will take your money whom ever you are.

You say your parents gave you nothing but reading where did the ISA money come from? because you wrote that when you first became addicted you spent all your savings and maxed out multiple credit cards?? so someone funded that isa??

My advice look past blaming folk,look after what happens next my friend,that will start with you making a choice.

That choice is whether you want to stop gambling more than you want to gamble.

Gambling will take it all,oh and more,you will steal to fund it,well I guess your parents will say you already have stolen,all be it from your self,gambling will take your self worth,it will take any belief you have in life and rip it to shreds.

It makes you unemployable,uncaring and empty.

Why do I write this,well because fella I am compelled to, today I have to satyit how I see it,from the bottom of my heart I hope you seek help,help for yourself,not sitting around waiting for someone to fix the shi##t you have brought to the party,because I wore those shoes,the world was against me all the time I let addiction rule my mind,everything was always somebody elses fault.

Embrace recovery,admit to your failings and take all the help out there.

Make yourself a proud man,you are at a fork in the road,don't waste it on topping yourself,there are to many innocent folk in the world for you to waste your life,it really is a permanent answer to a temporary problem.

First of all Jopski you need to help yourself,please do.

Duncs stepping forward never back

Thanks Sonic Boom for your kind words but I think overall my relationship with my parents during these last six years have been building up like a pressure cooker. My parents came to this country in the early seventies with nothing and they built everything up through hard work, sweat and tears. And for their oldest son to simply gamble away what would be a average person's salary in a couple of months is devastating to them. To them I would be better off dead or as my mother simply said to me "I'd wished you're never been born". Rather than spend my time alone in my brothers flat I went to see someone I knew that was living in the same area. his friend was there and in retrospective perhaps they weren't the two people I should have really seen. They both have had mental health issues but we talked and I felt a little better after that. Robin was was my friend's friend said that there has to be some underlying reason that has manifested itself for you to gamble again. He suggested that it may be stress related or something to do with the relationship with my parents. Everyone makes mistakes and he said you have to learn from this and seek help. Said it was good that I could admit that I have a gambling problem to a complete stranger like him and said that I should seek counselling. Maybe it was the fact that my parents didn't actually try and seek ways to cure the problem rather than prevent it that it happened again. Perhaps I feel the need to gamble to have control from what is a difficult situation. He explored the fact that my father gambles (Little on horses/dogs) and that he should be trying to help me. Also that they shouldn't have used me to run the family business and that made my addiction worse rather than help my recovery. At the end I felt it was a bit overwhelming and cut my visit short...On the way up the voices in my head did say take some money out and go and gamble on the machines but i ignored it and pushed it to the back of my head. Also when I got to the flat the regional manager had sent the letter (I'd requested that it be forwarded there) confirming that he had self excluded me from branches in the area and other areas I'd requested.

Anyway today has been DAY 4 GAMBLE FREE.