I want my life back Diary

Good morning my friend!!! Not to a new day, but to a new life. You're starting to open your eyes. Open them wider, wash away all the bad thoughts and brush the bad feelings away. Stretch yourself to a new you, a you gamble free. Keep on going. You're doing well, be strong!!

I dont understand how people around me, family ..girlfriend, friends don't even understand 10% of my pain.. for godness sake! I've lost all my life savings and my house and all they can say is you are a whiner, always complain thats all you know to do !! And others just simply say I was stupid and all this b****t.

How can they be like that?

Hi... does it matter that they don't understand??

I know its hard but my thought is this... don't expect anything from anyone and in doing so you can't be disappointed.

You know what your pain feels like and thats all that matters... that and your own committment to dealing with your pain and recovering. You do this for you and no one else. I say the same to myself. Onwards friend, onwards... S.A

Hello S.A.,

Thank you for your imput. This was my biggest mistake I've done I thought things over and over again... I have relied and put my confidence in others helping me with this problem.. but it seems your are right it is all inside us, nobody in this world can make us change, nobody that has ever tried to help me with this problem has made me stop, not even my therapist, I've been gambling all the way through 8 months of therapy, and gambled until had nothing left.

Onwards ! This time the whole situation is opening my eyes regarding many things, not only this addiction.

I lost the day count.. but I think I am heading towards around 10 days or so gamble free and have no urge whatsoever. Couldn't ever have again, I can feel it, this as caused me too much pain.

Good luck everyone in your journeys to quit this terrible addiction!

Hi there. It was the same with me. Everyone used to tell me, just don't go there anymore. Nobody is dragging u in there, forcing u to put all that money in a machine. My ex used to say, how stupid can u be to feed thousands to a machine, don't u think how much u could've done with that money??? At least give them away to poor people if u don't care about ur life and your money. It's a misperception of people that don't understand that is an addiction. They would probably be more understanding if we were alcoholics or drug addicts. As we would be addicted to something tangible, that they can see. But we're addicted to the buzz, that happens in our brain and nobody can see that. That's why 95% of people don't understand us, that our cravings are just as real as in some other addictions. You have to have felt the buzz to understand what we're going through. That's why I stopped accusing her, friends for not understanding, being selfish, etc. cause it's not their fault. Probably that why she told me I have to do this on my own.

You don't have to be put off by this on your journey.

All u need is to start believing in yourself, to grow stronger everyday... Take care buddy

Hi there. Just dropping in to check how u doing. I see u haven't posted in a while. Hope everything is ok. Hope to hear from you soon. Write whatever u feel. All the best my friend

Hello Andrei, hey everyone,

I've been very low yesterday, thinking of all the things possible and not possible. Tried to get some sleep through the day but only to wake up even more depressed. There is a pattern when I go to sleep I am more focused on my success and recovery from this state of mind, I go to sleep with more positivity and only to wake up even more depressed.

I still don't see a way out of this mess yet. I can't understand many things around me any more. Close people seem to be happy, like nothing has happened and I feel even more depressed. It is normal that they should be happy and not depressed like me but none seem to understand even a tiny bit. My story is quite painful.. I've not told many aspects of my life. I've not only lost my house my money, dignity, and all but the bigger problem for me is I don't feel I will ever be the same again. I have been sucked of energy, my health is terrible, had few surgeries, and suffer from a disease that has no cure, gives me constant pain for 10 years.. The way I worked the past 5 years to save all that I've lost in the past 2-3 but mostly this year ..don't think its possible any more.. and it ruins me, the idea itself. I've been very commited to my work, but in the same time I knew it was self destructive.. all those long hours, no eating.. but was at least not so damaged at that moment..

What will I do I ask myself, If I cannot continue working the same thing, jobs here pay less than 300$ per month, it is poverty. My medication alone is 200$ per month and still didnt afford to get it for this month.

So many questions again..

Still gamble free, at least I know for certain I will never gamble again, half dear or alive and out of this situation, gambling is no way an option for me any longer, I hate the idea itself as a whole. I even tend to think about a way to get people to understand and close all this d**n hundreds of betting shops and casinos around the city.. it's a mess.. any business that goes bankrupt is replaced by a casino these days, they just pop up everywhere, what a mess! It's a city full of betting shops, casinos, pawn shops and farmacies...

In so much pain.. but gamble free for ever. My gf has parted .. I pushed her away don't want to pull her along in this mess.. to be honest I cannot allow her to see me so down and in this mess.. I will keep on posting it does help me go through all this.

Hope everyone is doing well.

All the best friends

Unbelievable but true. After all this money lost and desperation.. went to one small betting shops and lost yet another 300$. This is it ! What do I do ...I feel so lost.. losing 100k this year..and I would never have 300$ after losing so big, this just doesnt make sense. d**n.. this has no cure? I bet it does.. but I cannot simply forget the past.. I lost my place.. my all life savings.. my gf... how can this all happen to me... and why ?

🙁

It is not the first time I hit rock bottom, this is probably my 4th rock bottom, but one of the biggest, in sums lost and short period of time (It has also been a short period, never been the daily gambler). It seems to me this is indeed a real drug, no matter how much money we have we gamble it. I used to only play big sums in short periods of time, like few hours and stay clean for weeks/months. Rarely went in with say 500 and just step out with 1000 or 2000 to bring it all back the next day and more. Usually it has been the 1-3 5 10 20k for the past years.. I remember my mom once told me that I will end up going to these terrible betting places full of alcoholics playing small bets, living of 200$ wages and bettnig to their very last bit of money. If you have them over in your countries you should know how terrible they stink and what a feeling you can get inside. I have always avoided them, and was telling my mom, I will never enter those places I never play those small sums, and will never do. But I did. I just remembered last year, probably in june or july I don't even remember after losing around 25k I kept playing 100 200 here and there over a period of 2 weeks.. I still had my small apartment back then.. it was different this time I got nothing.

My mom has also made a loan in the bank to refund me a loan she owed me.. it's terrible, her wage is so small and now even smaller, don't know how we will survive, I am not able to work any longer at this point, this is my biggest pain. If I could just start working again and earn the same way I did until now, but be clinicaly healthy, would be different. At the moment I feel like a hopeless, ill slug trying to pull myself around here and there..from bed to the market to buy a pack of cigs and back home, thinking about everything that happened and suffering terrible.

Don't know where I am heading but I do hope I can get out some day..too much pain too much suffering over the past years..

Bye bye gambling (9th October 2012 - My last BET ever) Don't want to end up gambling my life.. it is worth a lot more than all my loses. Onwards

Hope everyone is doing fine. I keep reading many diaries, even older ones, I don't post much but I do read them.

It just makes me sick to think of what I have done/become. On my way to recovery.

Gambling is definately not an option no matter the reason behind it, neither is smoking , drinking or any other addiction..they've all burried me and have taken my freedom, lost a lot of opportunities and what not ..but most of all my health.

Onwards

Hello friends,

For the first time in many years, yesterday I have had a strange thing happening to me. I managed to gather some money (having a feeling of gambling, or better said recouping my losses) so there I was right into the nearest casino near my place.

I entered the casino, was fully aware of what I was doing, wanting to recoup my losses, but also had a strange feeling (It is not possible in this disgusting place). I slowly walked through the casino from machine to machine, looking at people and the machines.. I was looking for the bets they were playing a spin. Why? This is a good question, I have for the most of the last period of my life rarely ever pulled any money out of a machine, always spinning like crazy to the very last bit. Why? Again a good question.. because I never wanted to win 10k 15k (the most I've ever had on a machine in credits and still didn't retreat at times). I wanted to win it all at one time, Win 100-200k, get it all back! There were times when I was happy to leave with 5k-6k but those I remember were 2 or 3 times. Well going through the casino I noticed the biggest bet possible was around 7$.. this dissapointed me. I haven't ever gambled in this casino before, but I know of a case, when a young guy has comitted suicide after losing around 100k$ money that was loaned from loan sharks. Was this a test? Would I do this to myself? Well I don't really think so, I only had around 500$ on me and was feeling it ..I was there, maybe wanted to recoup all my losses but I couln't, I am helpless to do so ever in these places.. only work will bring me money ever again.

I walked and walked through the casino, noticing in this place strange things, being a smaller casino than I used to gamble in there were lots of women, at one point mostly women above their 50's.. smoking heavily and spinning cents per spin. I was totally demoralized. I was defeated in ever getting my money back ever! How would I with all these small bets and looking towards the JACKPOT screen, it showed 2k$ the biggest cumulative jackpot on the whole casino. Oh God, I thought to myself this would mean I would have to earn that jackpot 100 times and still not recoup my losses. This jackpot is won in some casinos around here even once in 3 years. Some give it out every few months.. It wasn't possible I was sure but I was still looking for things to strenghen my belief. (God knows why I was still not already aware I cannot ever get my money back by gambling)

I further waked around the casino and I said to my self small bets, lots of smoking, I was ill already, had a feeling of an end of a road, a broken bridge I could not pass. Went to one of the dealers and asked to change me 300$ in smaller bills that would fit into the disguisting machines. I was asked for a coffee, I said yes one, before this I had a little chat with the dealer asking her what were the biggest bets possible and on which machines, like I didn't already know... I was there walking between the machines for maybe 20 minutes.. she has told me around 7$, anyhow already knew nothing new. Then I asked her what were the biggest wins handed out ever in the casino since she worked there. She to told me with a very happy, supportive like (supporting the pain of others without consent - its all business not her fault) always seen these faces and reactions of women dealers, which disgust me now. Anyhow she seemed very happy and at the same time enthusiastic about having me there I thought, a old school gambler, a degenerate one that will make my boss happy. At that moment I felt like giving it all up.. but she started telling me, I resume, we even handed out 9k$ 6k$ and we just paid out 2k$ on that machine pointing it out very energic and with a positive, happy attitude. I thought to myself : Does this girl even know I've lost more than allthis casino is worth all together? I don't think she cared, or should have cared. I went on to one machine inserted one of our bills, worth around 30$.. used to be spinning this on one hand.. I thought is this, such small bets will never earn me back my losses, my girlfriend will never come back to me, my health and money.. all these thoughts came to my mind.

I spinned the d**n credit 5 times and left the machine, still I could not believe it, I could not pass the bridge. I tried passing it, going to another 4-5 machines feeding them 30$ each, with a feeling of handing out a hand to a "person" I had to say goodbye to forever, for destroying my life, for doing something terrible to me, but in the same time in a nice manner. I never have been the type to shout, break scream, throw words at people when breaking up, keeping all the sorrow to myself. Between all these machines that took me maybe 10 minutes altogether to finish with I also went to the roulette to feed 30$ ??? Feed 30$ to a roulette? What am I doing? I had a feeling of helplessness that I cannot describe, the bridge could not be passed! I could not get my lost love, my money, my friends back.. I resigned... was completely sure it was not possible, on my way out, to say bye bye to this demon, I paid the bribe, another 30$ in the very first machine at the entrance of the casino, I spinned it 5 times and said to myself this is it, I cannot cross the bridge with your help, but there is another way to cross it.. and I went out of the door to the fresh air, which seemed so much better, I loved it, I embraced the wind, the sun.. starting to wash away all the pain and bad memories gambling has done to my life in the past 16 years ...

Hello diary,

Woke up today in a lot of pain, same feelings over and over again. I wonder when they will pass away. I am having all these bad dreams, more annoying, that make me feel guilty rather than nightmaters sort of dreams.

I'm still not being able to pull myself together to find a way out of this mess. I don't think it will be easy either. What worries me the most is my temper, I seem to be more and more nervous as days pass.

Yesterday I sadly said goodbye to my gf in a way I would not have wanted to. After arguing for about half an hour about the usual stuff, that I have not done that and that, and she has not done that and that. She has been the selfish type and I felt like she was always using me, finding a comfort zone in this relationship rather than loving me. Always had to ask her for something I wanted from her, including s*x and normal things in a relationship. She has never cooked me a dinner, or do me a massage. She kept me at a distance, only seeing me when she felt like it, whenever I called she was always busy. We could go weeks in a row without seeing each other etc. I sometimes wonder where I have gone wrong. I've always done everything for her and was ready to do more and more but starting this year she starting behaving wierd, not even accepting anything from me. Anyways it was a relationship of struggle and pain, I recon it now. And all this went on for almost 4 years.I don't even know why I didn't ever leave so many times I wanted to do so, something always kept me there. Maybe I am addicted to pain. I've had so much pain in my life that I started searching for more just to feel "safe" or not change things. Whenever I had a good period of time in my life it made me feel wierd, made me anxious and made me gamble and self destruct. Just to end up burried even deeper in the hole, and again to make my way out. This time it is different, I barely have the energy to even think about what has happened to me, and to get moving.

I am trying to be positive, but it doesn't work out. I am not healthy, I am awaiting a surgery, I smoke a lot again. My gf is gone, no friends or family to ever sustain me. All by myself in all this terrible pain.

I read so many stories and got so much information that I cannot say I do not have the tools needed to get myself out of this mess. But I am so helpless towards the whole situation. Losing my house was the worst of all. It was all I had left. 45k$ gone down the drain. I could have lived of this money for 10 years decently. Now all I've got is myself into all this pain. People have been telling me not to sell my small apartment, to keep it, I could have rented it for 200 a month and live in with my mother, I never listened, all I was seeing is getting my losses back, and ended up in losing everything.

What a waste of my life.. opportunities that I had.. I never had the patience to wait, this was my biggest problem, always rushed things. d**n what a waste...

Sorry for everyone reading, if it sounds too negative, or as I am whining (I used to never ever complain about a thing, always did things by myself not to harm anyone in any way, and ended up seeing myself whinning for quite some time now.. now I am just silent, and explode at times..), it makes me get it out a bit when I post here somtimes.

Good luck to everyone in succeeding beating this terrible addiction.

Hi . It's nothing wrong at writing what u feel. Thats why we have a diary. It's very good to let the boo-hoo's out. You went back to the casino. I've done it do many times as well. Fully aware that it's not the way out, fully knowing that I'll only lose more, get hooked up even more. It was like an evil hand was coming out of that casino, bookie, bingo hall and grabbed me inside. I often told myself, maybe this is written in the stars for me, why should I fight it?? Every time I was going out, was with my gf, friends, at social events all I could think was I wish I was in a casino. Just me and the machine. Then I felt sorry for myself, as I had lost all thoughts of living my life, having fun. I had forgotten how to do anything fun. All I was doing when meeting other people was being sarcastic, condescending...( in a subtle way, as i thought i was the smartest)trying to repel everyone so I could have an excuse to go gambling. On the other hand I always helped friends, my gf, anyone I knew to be honest, maybe I was compensating for my bad behaviour. And then moaned constantly, why is everyone so distant??

It was cause I became a grumpy, so easy irritable, depressed person. Never laughed, never seeked to have fun... I was so tired of thinking how to cover losses, how to make money... And angry, jealous at friends that earned half of what I was earning and always went on holidays, went out a lot, were living their lives. Whilst I was always broke and depressed.

My gf was the same. I had to ask for loads of things. It's not their fault. Even though they know we have a good heart, the persons we became doesnt attract them anymore. We blame them for not being there for us, most likely they tried everything they knew to help but we were to blind to see it. Anyway, don't fall down that path. You didn't go to the casino to gamble. You went cause it was something familiar, something that u used to do to get away from problems, arguments, pain, loneliness... I swapped the trips to the bookies for this site. Whenever I feel down, lonely, frustrated, heck..whenever I have any feelings I just come here, read, write till I feel a bit better. Don't kick yourself too hard, nobody said it would be easy. You'll get there when you'll be fully ready. The secret is never giving up. Keep trying to think positive. Those 300, take someone out for lunch, dinner... Those 30 min that you spent there went by very quickly,didn't they? Probably would cost you 20 to go to a movie with someone. Don't think of the casino as the only reason to get out of the house, to have fun, to be social. Yesterday I went to get Charlie vaccinated. For the first time in months I talked to a woman, the receptionist. I was surprised that she started talking to me as I never like what I see on the mirror. But it felt so nice talking to someone, flirting a bit... Builds your confidence up a bit. If it would've been in my gambling period I probably would've just looked at her funny and ended the conversation with a sarcastic remark. Enough rambling... Stand up and start living your life buddy

Thank you Andrei. Your posts always inspire me and motivate me to go on. All I want from this moment on is to recover myself. I am almost reaching insanity, and all I hope is that I can pass this period and get back on my feet. Want to be able to work properly, and forget everything that has happened like forgetting a nightmare. Put it all behind, throw it down the drain and hell with it. Very emotional when I speak about these issues lately. I wish I could live somewhere in the forest and just scream it all out, shout as loud as I can, and get it all out of me forever. Too much pain. Everything reminds me of the d**n past, mostly everything even my clothes, I will get over, stand up and fight!

Good luck everyone, hope you are all having a better day than mine.

Hello everyone,

Today woke up very dizzy after 1 litre of dark brown beer. I started drinking now and then it makes things easier for a few hours. The tenssion and anxiety is so high I cannot believe it, but I feel soon I will be free of them, I will just accept the whole situation. It hurts me so much to have lost my apartment I have worked so much for, my money, all that is gone, but I believe I can and rebuild slowly what I have lost by not gambling. My biggest mistake has always been rushing things as I've said, it is the truth, I know it now. I did not ever have patience because of my medical condition that made me so very anxious and also suffer of obssesive compulsive dissorder witch has made things even worse. I am now sure I will never ever gamble again, Andrei I have dusted off myself as you've said, just trying right now to see in witch direction I will head.

Wish everyone a gamble free and relaxing weekend.