I want my life back Diary

Still not seeing a way out. Bad health, broke, not able to work, and nobody to talk to really, except 2 members of my family who never understand and have their own even bigger issues. What to do? Never asked myself this question with such a meaning.. I really don't see a way out, except of course the usual recouping my hard earned money back (at least this would help me take care of my health). But there is no way 200k+ can be recouped with the tools and energy I have at this moment. I dont see a way out for now.

Hope everyone is doing fine.

The say pacience is a virtue. We gamblers, don't have that virtue. There's another one saying : good things come to those who wait. Try and take care of the basics for now. Set the base for a new life, new forward thinking. Step before you start running. You can't make that amount of money in a week, a month, a year... You have to start slowly an small again. But if you don't get your state of mind right...you won't succeed.. Take care my friend

Woke up a little more positive today. Got therapy in a couple hours, I plan to go, my gf sais she will pay for it, so I will not miss this chance, I was refusing it so many times,she was pulling me by the hand to go. I don't know if it did help me as I did gamble quite a few times while attending, but once I stopped going totally I have messed up and gambled all I had.

Another gamble free day ahead.

Stay strong everyone 🙂

Therapy made me feel a little better. I will update witi my progress after every session. Today i feel a lot more positive and im happy for that.

Time passes and heals the wounds.. another gamble free day. I have set a target for the coming 2-3 years. To buy back the apartment i sold or even a bigger one maybe a 3 room apt. In the same area. If not both! I do believe it is doable and i hope i wilk be able to update my diary posting the achievment !

Have a nice gamble free day everyone

Well done my friends. Glad to see your first positive post. More will come. If she is still by you and tries to help you it is a very good thing. She definitely deserves your gratitude. I very happy that you're starting to set goals and you don't think about 'winning' all the things you lost back. You have to work hard but you'll be so proud if yourself when you'll see the results. Keep up the good work buddy

Hello Andrei,

Day started very well, but unfortunatelly ended with me understanding the whole situation with my gf.. or ex gf.. I cannot simply put it all together at the moment, I am too nervous and depressed. I am absolutelly sure she has pulled me into all this misery, without her consent as I've stated in my previous posts. It's just her way of being, she is a selfish narcisist, one of a very rare kind. Whenever she comes back, she comes to lend a hand and then she throws in a lie, and runs a way. I am fed up with this kind of behaviour. Back to my statement she has indirectly pulled me into all this misery, making me lose my house and everything else. Whenever I see her I see a person I love but also hate, starting to hate her more.. love is something I hardly can feel for her, simply I cannot forgive what she has done the past 4 years, the way she acted in this relationship.

Maybe some day I will have the strenght to post in what way she has messed me up, and what kind of behaviour I have tolerated for years. I'm of to bed another gamble free day tomorrow, hope a better one for everyone

Stay strong everyone

🙂

Thinking about the whole thing, all that happened the past years.. it comes to me more real than ever that I have gambled because my life has never looked the way I wanted it to be.. Being ill and suffering from a disease that has no cure, been through a whole lot of treatments, had 2 major surgeries, and all daily pain I struggle with, constant abdominal pain .. I have managed to smile and pretend nothing was wrong, so I would not get people worried, at the same time change my mood by trying to act in a way to make me feel positive. But the pain was inside me.

A big trigger has been my gf, which has always been pushy on stuff at the beggining of our relationship 4 years ago, it all started. It looked good but she as I said is the selfish type, always pretended from me, and I already being low on resources and energy have done my best to please her. These things have all led me to be emotionally insecure, and always thought about negative stuff, like what if.. I get ill again, I have another surgery, my gf will never want me ill as I am, covered it all up by putting that smile on my face .. a fake smile, worked my a** off to save up some money, bought a house.. and finally the reality hit.. my gf has never felt secure by my side .. has always annoyed me with her pushy attitude to get married and so on. I made the step, asked her she said yes and then she started to distance.. what more was needed to further cover up, close my pain in a pandora box I dare nobody ever to open as the pain I feel now is so big, and unfortunately real, that sometimes I even think if I am still alive any more. I live day by day..trying not to have ugly thoughts.. I lost it all ! It is the truth ..on top of all I am ill enough to not be able to go straight forward and do the same things I've done until now, with the same energy, motivation etc.

Will go to bed early probably. I also realised everybody is gone when I went broke, there is nobody around any more. Never had many friends buddies.. but those who were are nowhere to be found, to be honest I don;t feel like socializing much either, I feel like living my pain by myself...

ex

Good morning diary, I woke up today to these same thoughts ... "what have I done", I still do not understand what was I thiking, what on earth was on my mind, blowing all this money away, blowing my bright future away. I have gambled everything I had, even sold my only property I ever owned, my small studio apartment which I very much enjoyed. I sold it and gambled it. I blew away on this last gambling binge huge money that could have had been the foundation for my future, start a business whatever .. but worst of all .. blew up at least 500 hours of hard work, the type of work I do is not only hard but I have risked my health over it, passionately worked hard to save money for me and my gf, for our future. Well all these 500 hours of work I blew in just 5 hours. How could the universe allow such a destructive behaviour.. I ask myself over and over again ...Why has all this happened to me? Was I never aware of the consequences ? I guess not, I believe the blindness set it, I could not see any more, no matter what anyone said or did I had to do it! I had to do it to open my eyes to reality .. reality hit in and I'm here in pain .. Killed myself over the past week working on some online project that has earned me a profit of 200$.. well its a start.. but I was so used to being successful earning a lot more .. I can't even be happy for these earnings any more.. Am I addicted to money that further generates me pain when I hit reality? Bad health, no friends, always working bymyself, long hours that are endless.. maybe even if I did have all the money that I wanted I still would not have quit the cycle.. Why?

Well I'll keep posting.. for today I will not gamble ..I have not even counted the days since I have last gambled but I believe its well over a week and I steongly believe it will never happen again ever !

Hope everyone is doing fine and staying gamble free, a tip for anyone having urges .. when you get them, just try to picture yourself living in the streets, having no money to eat and having to beg for your living. How would that be? Well I am not there, thanks God, but I could have been if it were not for my family! Just picture it, it can be reality if you gamble, and it doesnt end in the streets it can be worse! Picture it ..then pat yourself on the back, tell yourself you are a good person that has been sorounded by evil energy, and has falled into an addiction (ilness) ..now take those 20 bills and go treat yourself to something nice, maybe something you never done before (Us gamblers sometimes losing the value of money and our hours of work create a wall in front of us that doesn't allow us to treat ourselves to many things, thinking it is way too expensive for us. I have done this so many times now I cannot count, Most of my belongings, clothes, watches, jewelery, etc. etc. have been bought after a small win, a win that has set me off into a shopping spree looking for something.. I wasn't looking for aythign particular, I was just trying to convince myself that If I would buy that or that I would stop gambling, even recorded myself saying it a few times. - b******t - The bug is still there, but I will not allow it to mess me up like it has done ever again ! I would have not bought many of the things I bought except if I didn't had the wins.. Why? We don't deserve them ? No because gambling messes up the mind in such a manner that it actually messes up the mechanisms of understanding money value, and the value of treating ourselves, our bodies etc .. )

today I will go out with the small budget I have and treat myself to something nice!

Hi Myfreedom.

I dont post too much these days but i woke early this morning and decided to have a browse through some diaries.Yours is a diary i havent read before but,i thought i should post to you as it sounds very similar to mine,when i first started recovery.I didnt actually sell my home i lost it and of course i was devestated.I also had it mortgaged up to the hilt and lots of loans secured on it.Soi left with nothing.I was very lucky (if you can call it that).I have a girlfriend and 3 lovley kids which enabled us to get a council house.

Even then i contiued to gamble for another 6 months (by the way i am 47 and gambled from the age of around 13),until one day after a big loss i decided to contact gamcare.I had tried many times before to stop ,but to no avail.

I contacted them on 4th october 2009.It was the best thing i have ever done.I am now over 3 years into my recovery and i life is so much better.

Getting to my point.

I was lucky and got this advice during the first hours of starting a diary and i can see you also need this advice.

WHATS GONE IS GONE.FORGET THE PAST.YOU WONT GET IT BACK.

This helped me enourmously m8,and i hope it helps you.

You can have more than you have ever had just give it time without gambling.Its strange but without gambling not only do your finances improve ,but other problems seem to ease or get better.

I know its hard to let go of big losses and its hard to forget but its maybe even better to keep your last big loss as fresh as you can in your mind and remember how devestated it made you feel.I hope things work out for you m8.Stay strong Jeff.

Jeff. Very supportive post. Read it 5 times today over and over..

Yet another gamble free day, besides a lottery ticket ..never seen a problem with the ocassional lottery ticket for 1.5$ here.. mostly once per month never actually had any 'attraction' for lottery.. the odds are to low probably? The odds in any type of gambling is low..far to low to be worth our time and money and everything else.

Tomorrow another gamble free day ahead! Feeling a bit better today! Miss my old me, the new depressed me is quite good for a change I have to say, it totally opened my eyes!

Salute to all warriors on this board !

Nothing much has changed. Days go on and on and my depression got worse. I am a at point where I don't get out of bed much, and only tend to isolate myself.

Everything becomes clearer as days pass this is for sure. I realize what has happened, and try to understand why it happened this way, I am more and more aware of of the fact that I can't change the past. I have lost it all, house, money, motivation and the rest. I am lucky my girlfriend still is around as much as she can. She has told me she doesn't like to see me this way at all, depressed, but she still calls me and we went out a few times, but honestly I can feel her parting away, she is surely defending herself. I try not to talk about what has happened and how much I suffer any longer. It doesn't make her feel ok, neither it helps me in any way.

I have been gamble free for a while now, but the big loss, the house that I sold and gambled away, over 40k in less than a week ..feels like it was yesterday, the pain has not gone away. Got no intention of ever gambling again. I am now focusing on my health which is the most important. Besides the depression, the disease I suffer from for 10 years, my gastrointestinal tract has suffered even more, today I woke up with a terrible cold, hope it passes away fast.

One thing I concetrate secondly on and most important is forgetting everything and regaining my life back, my motivation, start loving myself again. Something has gone wrong in my life, it looked ok on the exterior but it was surely not well on the inside. All the pain that has gathered has exploded into one terrible gambling spree starting this March and ended up in september with me losing the most I ever lost in my entire life, in one year.

I will update my diary less frequently. whenever something more significant happens or just less frequent, I have a feeling keeping posting a lot will allow me to whine, as I realize by myself all I would do right now is whine of my losses and how I am so helpless. No I want to regain my strengh back. Just a choice of mine.

Still gamble free.. stay strong everyone

Hey buddy..thanks for writing on my diary. I know..the memories are still fresh, like it happened yesterday, wounds are still raw.. I'm the same. It feels like I'm on a roller coaster of highs and lows, stuck for now on the low bit. I see you're still thinking about the losses. It's lost my friend, all of it.thinking of it won't bring it back or help you get better. I would concentrate on your relationship if I was you. if she's still around find out why, does she love you or pity you? It will another loss if it's the second but at least you'll now. In our depressive minds we think the worst of people, we never give anyone any credit. We try to release our pain somehow, somewhere..and most of the time we're the ones pushing people away. It's not the loss of money or the fact that we have an addiction. I stopped reading and writing for a while here too cause it felt like I had nothing else to say apart from 'crying' over and over and drowning in self pity. after a while I came back. Cause I realised, it's my diary, some days will be better, some will be worse. Its my thoughts that go in my diary. If no one likes them, dont read them. You're doing this for you not for anyone else. Of course you should try to get over this as soon as possible but it takes time and you shouldn't rush it. It's not a race, as long as the result it's gamble free it's ok if it takes a little longer.. Take care of yourself

This must be a real low point for you right now but give it time.

You may not realise this right now but in time, you will feel better. Once you have accepted that the past has gone and can't be changed, you will be able to really concentrate on your future.

Just keep making all the right choices, eh?

Look after yourself and stay strong.

NT

Today woke up to an even more depressed state, not only the flu got worse but I have had a bad day yesterday.

For some reason I'm stating to like less and less normal things in life, I don't eat enough, even though my health condition does not even permit having choices of staying hungry, but this is the depression.

I am taking a little bit of medication for my depression witch seems to be doing a bit, at least it calms me down a bit. Even though yesterday I've spend a few hours with my gf, had a massage we made love etc. I realized I am not even in the mood to spend time with her, not even in bed.. I don't know where this is heading.. I love her so much, maybe the insecurity if she will around me in the future and the fact that I come to conclusion she has contributed a lot to my gambling worsening and spiring out of control, after she dissapointed me in so many ways.. with or without her will, I suspect she is a borderline personality, have checked up on this a bit lately, and it seems it is exactly what her behaviour has proven me in the past 4 years. It is painful to think that I have tried so hard to do everything right and she has not appreciated almost any of my hard efforts. I learned that a person with a borderline personality isn't ever happy with anything her partners do, it is never enough, no matter how hard we try. Well, she has been into therapy for the past 2+ years but never told me anything about what she is in therapy for, besides a depression but I never seen her depressed. It kills me to know I could not spot this a while back and I could have managed the problem in a different manner. Basically wha she has beeing doing is played with my emotions and feelings, not letting me express my feelings most of the time, trying to manipulate me and have things done only her way. Any time I tried to bring up an important subject regarding our relationship, for example her constant distancing, abandoning of the relaship for periods of times, she woudl just change the subject or get nervous and ask me why I am nervous and mean. She would even pity herself, and go on telling all kinds of stories to cover up the manipulation and lies. This is very borderline. I can't say 100% she is one I am not a professional but have found an interesting article where I can find her in almost every paragraph. The article is posted at the end of my post for anyone interested to read, it is good for informational pourposes.

Anyhow my point is that, after almost one month since my last big losses, selling my house, I start to picture the whole situation more clearly as days pass. Most of the times, I have gambled in the past 2 years (worst gambling behaviour I've had) I would either have been "abandoned", she has either distanced away, or we would have a fight over something that Iwas trying to put up about our relationship, making her upset for me putting it up for talk, when all I was trying to do is work our relationship for the better. Long story short, I was felt guilty in times like these, and being alone at my place, thinking things over and over again, I could find nothing else to ease the pain other than drink or gamble. It has happened way too many times for me not to realize the pattern. Before I met the girl I would only have gambled sums I could afford and never went broke, so definately she has been a huge factor. I cannot let her go either as she has times when she is perfectly normal, but the distancing and plauing with my emotions has to stop. Enough rambling for today, I have had enough, a lot of stress is gathered inside me and I am afraid my body is suffering lots from all this. I am trying to concentrate on getting better and regaining my financial situation back. I've learned that being financial secure is a must for a person like me who has period of times when I cannot work, so basically some saved money is always welcome to pay the med bills, and everything health related.

Also that jackpot.. I might have been looking for the past years.. might have been an subconscious effort to have enough money to go around, without having to work much, as my health does not allow me to be a workaholic anymore.. But .. to be honest that jackpot I am sure even if it ever came, it would just be some money back from the losses.. the places I gambled in would not even pay me a third of what I've lost on average ... money which would have only been another excuse for me to continue, so I am glad it never came. The worst win I ever had in my life, even it might sound paradoxal was my first 100$, I won when I was 12 from a fruit machine starting with around 1$.. a bad WIN. Every other big win that followed were also bad.. just simple excuses to continue... Maybe all this that happened this year.. my gf problems, family issues, my own gambling issue, all combined have been the perfect combo to stop the rollercoaster all together. I am more than certain I will never GAMBLE ever again, would never want to be in the same state of mine as I am in now, and besides FREEDOM feels so much better and I would not dare risk even thinking of ever chosing gambling over over hidding a life situation that has to be resolved anyhow.. to fall into the same doom again... NEVER AGAIN!

Article I have mentioned about above :

(to be honest I do not even know what to do about this relationship, Andrei. you are right, I've tried to find out why she is still hanging around, I wish I could find out but brother trust me it is a very hard one, I will never pull anything out from her.. that she feels will betray her power and self control. Hard to get into her mind.

http://gettinbetter.com/anycost.html

Have a great gamble free day everyone 🙂

Hey MF...

Even though I am from the other side I read your post here and link with interest...

Im codepedant..which means I am attracted to people who are in some way unavailable...its both safe and familiar and involves a huge, exhausting cat and mouse push/pull chase of high dependancy and high reactive independence.

This is why I have a history of disasterus relationships with in my case men who have something they are obsessed with and consumes their attention unhealthily.

I can also recognise some of the symptoms of the borderline in the link as I also have struggled with some of the frustrations with my ex as you have with your gf..

My ex could not show real sympathy or empathy and I used to think he was somewhere on the autistic spectrum ..read a lot in the early days ...but your link there was good to read.

Keep strong...

R and D xxx