I want my life back Diary

Hi

Keep strong MF, we can't change the past but can look onward and upwards.

I am also trying to come to terms with the fact that what is gone is gone. Very good words on my diary from you. Thanks.

Shaun

After all my big losses this year, I finally come to a period of realization, I realize that everything is gone for good and also start to understand what has happened more clearly as days pass. My conclussion is that I never ever wanted to stop all this for real, no matter what others have tried or I. I know I could have stopped a lot of times, but always thinking of "what I've had and lost" "how it could've been" etc. have kept me away from seeing what I had at the moment I could stop, and I did have a lot, but I could not see that any more, for me everything was nothing, except my addiction, my brainwashed thiking I could recoup all my losses (at least this past year's and I would stop.) Well this summer I still had my own place, around 15k$ savings and what not belongings.. but I did not stop.

The problem now is I question myself sometimes why I even come here and post any more, this is a place for recovery from this addiction called gambling, does any kind of recovery method help me now? I don't think so.. Well at least the the addiction part. I am not an addict any more. How could I be? I don't feel any more temptation or even ever think about laying a finger on a machine. This is not the problem, addiction is gone the wounds remained .. I am 100% sure I will never even think of laying a finger on a bet in my life, I repeat this as the feeling is so strong I have never felt it like this before, its totally different. It has put me down ! I have finally managed to quit, but how? Destroying my life. Coming back to the wounds .. I have no idea on how to go on healing them no matter what. I said that I'm not even sure why I am still posting this, or reading the boards, it is now too certain for me, everything is so clear, maybe I still get some confidence here that I will regain my life back, because at the moment I am so down I don't even imagine living the next minute? Not sure why .. I've got a feeling I cannot recover from this?

I am so down.. don't know what to do.. I am not like most of the other people. the regular strong guy at least health wise mental and psysical ..I've got a medical condition, poor health.. I went through 3 surgeries so far, and God knows how I've pushed myself over the past 5 years with work ruining my body and drain my mental health to the point where I cannot think straigh anymore, no more focus on my work, which is not exhausting its a killing. I cannot handle stress any more. Many of you might think I am just whinning maybe, but it is my diary and I feel like putting it this way. I've always had 2 options going around in my head :

1. I quit smoking and relax for a while / quit work (when I still had my savings etc. would have been ok, now I'm broke)

2. Continue smoking, and working hard - As I do not have any other choice, even though I have some savings and can take a break which I trully need - maybe even 1 year break to have my 4th surgery which I have been planned for but did not.

I have to say smoking has had a great deal to do with my gambling addiction, workaholism, and all this cycle.

At this moment.. these 2 options are not even options for me any longer.. quit smoking ? Maybe ..take a break ? How ? My mom is still around and handles living costs.. but I can't just sit and wait.. well my mind is totally going crazy today... I don't know where to head.. I definatelly am not able for a job offline (been working in the online business field for so long), my temper is too bad, don't think i can manage offline and also I feel physically too bad.

Only time will tell .. at the moment I am way to depressed and ill. Have one question for any of you reading this. I had a discussion with one family member the other day, happening to be 1 of the 2 members which I do get along with, the other member is just out of the question talking about any problem at all.. and speaking about the problem itself with everything that happened to me lately, losing everything etc. etc. I get a "You are lucky you did not commit suicide after all this, as most do" and even went on and told me a story of a person known to my family member..which had a son who did commit suicide after losing some and went on and borowed money from loan sharks and so on ..and had 2 kids and there I was listening this story which is very familiar to me, I've heard it before and I happen to also know the story from other ppl and the place where it happened etc. I was thinking to myself how can ppl be so mean, this is what came to my mind, does this family member (I call family member I don't feel like putting in too many details ) understand how I feel and how I do not need to hear this type of story/words now? Do they know how in harms me, is it just a subcounscious way of dealing with things or maybe just did not know what to say. We never knew how to help each other to be honest, and never felt close one to another, after I've lost on of my parents everything has been messed up..

But I stood strong and still am, wounded as I am!

Nothing is really changing .. apart from staying indoors in a vegetating state.. not able to eat sleep properly.. I have decided to go on Monday to a psychiatrist once again to get a better treatment for my depression.

I strongly believe now that gambling has been masking the depression all these years, I've had it for a long time but masked it by working hard and killing myself to earn money ..to end up losing it all.. Time for a change. I've been reading an article on this subject it seems gambling really does hide depression and in a big way, not sure if for me it was the gaming or hard work or both doesn't matter but I thought its a good thing to point out. This is a result on a depression quiz I took seem pretty legit and quite acurrate if i consider how I'm feeling ..

Severe depression

Based upon your responses to this depression quiz, you appear to be suffering from a severe depression. People who have answered similarly to you typically qualify for a diagnosis of major depression and have sought professional treatment for this disorder.

Source http://psychcentral.com/cgi-bin/depression-quiz.cgi

Have a nice evening everyone

Dear freedom. I can relate. Gambling is a rattlesnake. While I was reading you first diary entry I remembered similar experiences. Losing property, inheiritance, even cashed in my retirement account (bad idea). Money poured through my hands. Now I get high interest loans etc. Still have good income though many debts. I don't want you to feel worse. Just help you realisticcally assess where you are at. If you are not in debt up to your eye balls (no further loans possible), considering bankruptcy, and considering illegal activity, I can assure you you have not hit bottom. Consider 30 day in patient stay. They are expensive, but sometimes will give you a grant to reduce the cost. there is one at Granite Falls Minnesota. I have been there and considering going again. I do not see it now, but believe I have seen your latest diary entry. You sound like you are in the depths of depression. I agree, you should seek professional help. At least counseling. I have done all these things and still struggle with the illness. I still have optimism I will cast this from my life. I want my two young adult boys to be proud of me again. I am not at rock bottom, but can see it from where I'm standing. My best wishes for success dealing with this baffling illness (GA).

Phobic, very inspiring words in your posts and I appreciate your imput a lot. I have considered pantient stay.. if it is what I think it is. Some type of hospitalization where I'm taken care of mental health wise I suppose. Unfortunately I don't like in the US (Minesotta), neither UK, I live in a small country by the Black Sea in Europe, I say unfortunatelly because around here such services are nothing but a mess, they worsen patient's lifes.. nobody is taken care of properly. I do not afford anything at this point I am totally broke - no money for food and expenses live of selling goods I own for a while.

Anyhow around my place the average wage is around 300$ which makes it impossible for me to see anything for my future that compares to the business I owned and this makes me even more depressed. Earning some money for me atm is almost impossible due to my health. Only if I could get something running again (online business) filed I activated in, and earn a little bit of money I could get into some type of resort where I could relax a bit, but other than that, conceiling is something I can no longer afford being 50$ per session.

I pray to God everything will be fine. I do hope you'll find your way out of this, and stop it all together (I have stopped for good never to even think of gambling again) and you boys will be proud of you, I am sure they still are for what you have provided them in this life.

It is not our fault remember this. We have fallen into a trap because of different reasons : pain, depression, childhood issues etc. We can't blame ourselves.

I am only 28, but I feel like I'm somewhere 50 at this point, mentally and psysically due to the lifestyle I have adopted in the past 5 years.

May GOD help us

Totally depressed today.. thought i would put i t up on my diary.. for further reference (If I do recover from this hell i've gotten into), im sure these words will keep me straight off anything gambling related, even though as i've said before I'm done for ever, this time I feel it more than anything else in the world.

The pain is too BIG. I am still vegetating in bed all day,, waiting for the symptoms to calm down, im in an almost insane state, physycal and psychological, tomorrow i got an appointment with a new psychiatrist, to get me on some other medication. Hope it will help .. Just thought I'd add this here.. even though I tend to think I dont want to speak about the negative stuff anymore, I dont have anyone else to talk to so a few words posted here takes it off my mind a bit.

Gamble free for almost a month, I recall 12th of October was my last bet.

Keep strong everyone

Hi,

Post as often as you need to and write down in your diary whatever comes to mind. Just get it out. You are doing great!! Hang in there and here's hoping things start looking up again. -joan

Thanks judy for your post on my diary.

From now on I am starting to learn to forget the past, because lately I have only lived in the past, every minute, hour ..remembering everything that has happened and so on. This has lost me a lot of weight and has pulled me into a deep depression.

Today I'll be going to a psychiatrist for some new medication that I hope will put me back on the right track, at least get me a bit stable to function.

Keep strong everyone

Thanks judy for your post on my diary.

From now on I am starting to learn to forget the past, because lately I have only lived in the past, every minute, hour ..remembering everything that has happened and so on. This has lost me a lot of weight and has pulled me into a deep depression.

Today I'll be going to a psychiatrist for some new medication that I hope will put me back on the right track, at least get me a bit stable to function.

Keep strong everyone

Dear diary, today I am feeling a little bit more relaxed, started a new treatment which kept me in bed for most of the day but I can say I feel a lot more different, less anxious and a lot more positive. The only problem is that it did really slow me down, I feel quite weak to do anything at all, but this is what it is for, putting my brain on slow mode, as its been running way too fast the past 12 months..

I am still gamble free most important of all, and have no urges whatsoever.

Tomorrow I will be taking 2 days off, a small vacation nearby.

Keep strong everyone

Hi

Keep fighting, if you have time read my diary about a great book.

Shaun

Sean , will look into it. Feeling much better ..relaxed on treatment. I wasnt expecting to be honest. Took a short weekend vacation in a nearby city. Hope things improve as time passes. I wobt stop fighting.

Gamble free for a month no urges!

Stay strong everyone

Just woke up after a straight 18 hours sleep, my body is getting adjusted to the treatment I guess. Feeling a bit more relaxed even though still lost and dont know where to head .. My business has been compromised, need to start from square one and this makes me feel unmotivated and helpless. I was thikning to get a job but that makes me even more depressed knowing I would earn 1$ per hour here.. when my average from all my projects has been a 5k$ per month. Salaries here don't even cover monthly living costs.

Gamble free forever!

Very tense day today ..the medication I've been prescribed kicked in and most of the compulsive thoughts have dissapeared like magic, especially the one about my lost apartment. I worked 14 hours straight in front of my laptop, not sure if this is ok with the medication I'm taking but it does keep me busy and earning a few bucks , hopefully to get me through the long winter.

Everything else as usual, arguments with my gf..ex gf ..i don't even know what she is any more, to be honest lately I tend to think I thought and took care too much of others and forgot about myself, she's not here , nobody is here ... Why would I care? I've had a bad luck with people throughout my life..and guess why because I was too nice, polite, caring giving, and what not and Ive been taken as a fool.. This will also stop along with gambling and once my self esteem is back up everything will be just fine.

Gable free and hope everyone is also keeping a distance from those disgusting, pathetic ..dream machines .. A nap .. Dreaming of something we much desire is alot more powerful than a lie (gambling). Won't cost a thing and it's real. Trying to live a dream while awake ..we all know where it leads us, misery and pain.

As days go by I realize how gambling along with other addictions has been a huge crutch that wad simply helping me get over my bad health situation, my loneliness, my pain.. it was helping I said, but when does help come without a price? Even if a relative a family member will expect help back if offered. I'm not simply saying a family member will not help if not helped but we are all humans and do behave this way : we help each other, so as I said there is non free help ..gambling as a temporarily help comes with the cost of not only our hard earned money but more important our health, especially mental health..and other costs, penalties, Intrest (losing loved ones, losing jobs, opportunity, careers, integrity etc. ) it did help a lot but it's not an option at all, we must accept our faith no matter what the situation is, not it harder gambling. Not accepting an ilness or whatever problem there might be we suffer even more. Once we accept our situation our life, ourselves ..everything settles down.

It doesn't feel good to lose, but why be a winner-loser in a casino when we can be winners solving our daily "problems" , as they arent problems they are things to be solved in our lives to make it better... We solve them as they come so they don't fall heavy on our shoulders the next time we plan or even gamble or whatever crutch we choose.

Have a great week everyone