I will no longer allow gambling to ruin my life….

Dear Diary

Sorry it has been a while since I posted. As per, my life has been a rollercoaster mess but seeing as my stupid body clock won’t seem to let me sleep past 4am, now seems like a good time to start catching up.

I’ll also be sure to message everyone that has reached out separately. Thank you all x

Day 6

I definitely woke up feeling slightly better on Friday but remember having (the only way I can think to describe it), is a lurking feeling of Doom.

Then at around midday, I received an email basically informing me that I was being made redundant but I was being offered a pretty decent redundancy package. I had a wave of emotions. The settlement wouldn’t be enough to clear all of my debts (nowhere near) but it would help. Also, what else would I do, how long will it take me to get employed again. Would I be able to find a role that offers as much WFH as my current job. And finally, would I be able to resist a lump sum in my bank account when my urges whilst having no money are strong.

I fell asleep so early on Friday. My brain had been thinking so hard throughout the day that I literally knocked out around 7pm.

At least I didn’t gamble….

Day 7

I made it a week G/f!! 🥳

I believe my longest time of abstinence is 18 days but a week still felt good.

I would pretty much gamble on any day of the week but a Friday and Saturday (today) are always the most worrying. To boot, I had this stressor of redundancy on the brain and wasn’t sure if I’m happy or sad about it. My partner could sense the tension so suggested a romantic dinner out. It was exactly what I needed (and couldn’t afford). I, for some unknown reason insisted on paying and felt a lump come up in my throat as I presented my phones wallet for payment. But then I thought, what the hell is wrong with you Em!!. The amount I spent on the entire dinner (Inc drinks) was in the region of my ‘first’ deposit on a Friday night and I wouldn’t think twice about that or the 50 more deposits I load up over the next 24 hours.

I had a lovely evening and remembered what it was like to actually have a bit of healthy fun. By the time I got home at 10pm, I was completely wiped (and slightly tipsy) so I literally crashed into bed and didn’t stir until the morning.

Day 8

Not much to report. I spent the majority of the day in bed nursing a hangover and watching trash TV but being really glad that for the first time in a long time on a Sunday, I wasn’t waking up in a foggy haze of 30+ heavy gambling deposits and crippling regret. Sunday marked exactly a week since I rejoined Gamcare. That Sunday I spent the entire day trawling diaries not wanting to feel so alone. I don’t want to be there ever again.

All in all, I didn’t even have any urges to gamble over the weekend but not for a minute will I become complacent.

Em x

Day 9

I woke up next to my partner who has been trying to stay with me as much as possible. 

Not being alone does help me. I decided to accept the redundancy package which I believe will be paid with my wages at the end of this week. I actually think it’s time for a new/ fresh start and I’m looking forward to that.

I did have thoughts of gambling today. Fleeting thoughts of how quick it take to triple my settlement figure. What I need to remember is how quickly any/ all winnings are zapped and I’m left feeding my own money again and losing a small fortune. 

I have so much work on this week and I’m still trying to play catchup on admin from the last few months.

Ive been making lists and I really enjoy ticking things off it. I’m certain I have OCD in some capacity🤣

Anyway got through manic Monday with 9 days G/f! Feeling proud 🥲 

Em x

Well done Em! I've been checking regularly to see if you had gotten round to posting and of course worrying that things had gotten too much into a relapse.  So well done 👏 👏 👏 👏 👏 👏 👍 honestly over the moon your now 9 days in and still focussed.  Sorry to hear about the redundancy that sucks a lot but you should be proud with how you have handled it and how your facing it. You might be right a fresh start might really help. Maybe look to your partner to help out with the plan for the redundancy pay out just so your not tempted. The amount of times I've been there looking at my balance thinking il just round down my wage and take the £83.53 so don't let that mind set creep in! 

Your smashing it Em proud of you! 

Hey Em

So glad you're back here and a huge well done for still being gf!!

Sorry to hear about your redundancy, but you know what I'm a great believer in things happen for a reason, this could be the start of better things for you

We'll done again.....I reached day 10 today, the fog has definitely started to lift, I'm feeling so much better

We've got this girl!! 💪