Iain

day 23

I got an appointment with a therapist confirmed today, 10th jan 2015...I'm kinda looking forward to it, kinda. Maybe a bit nervous too.

Otherwise, all is well I think.

Day 26

OK, I bought a scratch card yesterday!

Its an issue I mentioned in a previous post, I said I would not buy them, so worth examining here I think.

I was at the cigarette counter(buying for a friend, i'm still a non smoker 40days) and the f**s+ scratch card habit caught me by surprise; I had bought it before realising what I'd done.

That was scary!

It was only a £2 card but it triggered memories of "how long have I been here? how much did I lose?"

I've said before that scratch cards have never been a problem before but that was an unpleasantly familair feeling.

I did not win.

In my 26 days, this has been my greatest temptation, I needed another card. A winning card of course.

I resisted thankfully but the next day I missed my bus.

Now walking home is not a problem but it takes me past a bookies and I had £2 bus fair in my pocket.

Two spins on a machine was tempting but the struggle after the scratch card(which I care little for) reminded me that I was unable to weaken!

Fortunate timing? serendipity? A higher power? I know not.

Scratch cards are on my NO list tho 🙂

And I am not resetting my clock, 26 days and adding.

thank you.

Great work not buying another card & more importantly staying out of the bookies...I agree the scratchcard is not a clock resetter but those 2 spins would, I fear, have plunged you back into the darkness so abs brilliant 🙂 Who cares what it was that gave you strength, it was there when you needed it & you are not being complacent so good reason to feel v proud methinks!

26 days & counting, how wonderful is that...I know I'm all about working the day but I'm going to be pretty busy over the next couple of days so wishing you a wonderful Christmas & will be checking in to hear that you have stuck to your word on Boxing Day - ODAAT

Thank you ODAAT, I shall be here, continuing my tale 🙂 I hope you are enjoying this festive time and indeed, wish everyone here a very merry Christmas!

Day 29

Yesterday was a struggle.

I knew I had 3 online sites that I had cooled off for 4 weeks from, rather than excluding, reopening on the 26 dec.

As Christmas passed(and a lovely time was had by all) I found myself last awake, sitting alone, well fed and somewhat drunk as midnight passed.

I had not planned for this and I did not want it, I had in fact told my partner about these sites re-opening but as things turned out, i was alone.

I am amazed at the twists of logic, the justifications that I created in my mind and the lies that I knew I would have (and was prepared) to tell...

I do not know what stopped me, but of course I am glad I did. The temptation was overwhelming and I knew I would lapse, yet I did not.

I cannot claim it as a victory for my willpower or stregnth of character, because it surely was not.

And yet it was a victory none the less...

Later that day I sat with my partner and self excluded from them.

How can you not claim this as a victory?!? What else can it be? You were in the zone with a complete triangle but you chose no...Seriously, you have to take stuff like this & celebrate it! It doesn't matter how long you are primed ready to play so long as you choose no before you do! I've been here, planning the lies & justifying why I should play, whilst going up & down (repeatedly) on an escalator between the gambling shop & my car! I can't tell you how amazing it felt when I realised I could choose no...For me it was similar to the buzz of going gambling only without any of the bad stuff that follows! You may not feel proud of you but I am...You made us a promise & you didn't let us down & more importantly you kicked the demons in the face & let your partner see how determined you are, I will always have a cheer for that!

Great work emosan, you so can beat this - ODAAT

Thank you ODAAT.

Your feedback here is always appreciated and always helpful.

Happy New Year emosan 🙂

Hope you are well & keeping strong - ODAAT

Day 39

Not much to say today. Things going well so far.

I have my R.C.A. therapy session starting this week and I was thinking I should show him this blog, as a quick catch up.

To be honest I'm not sure whats gonna happen, what we will talk about and how it can help...still a bit nervous about it 🙂

Great work on 39 Days 🙂

You're very hard on yourself! I don't think you should be trying to guess what will happen or what you will talk about, that's their job to figure out! Try not to be nervous...Just go there with an open mind & be honest!

Stay strong - ODAAT

hello

you did well beating temptation - congratulations to you

thank you both 🙂

I do take pride in my (now) 41 days but I am also aware how tenuous it is. One slip and its all gone, not that i'm so harsh on myself (see the lotto and scratch cards) but because I know I I will not stop.

Look how much you learned from that little hiccup though...Glad that you are pleased with yourself 🙂 We are all just one bet away from throwing it all away, it's recognising that & staying away that keeps us safe - ODAAT

day 46

Still going well.

I attended a therapy session through the RCA trust, this week, my 1st.

It was mostly admin and paperwork but I think it could be helpful.

Person centered therapy.

Ive never heard of it, no reason I should have I suppose 🙂 , but it seems to be sessions of non judgemental chatting and see what occurs.

I also went shopping today. Alone, with cash in my pocket and all went well.

An odd thing to be typing as a 38 year old.

Over about 5 miles I walked past 14 bookies (there and back so some I counted twice)

Its not easy and although my cash was limited to what I had to buy, the temptation was there each and every time.