is there any more to lose?

hi charly

thanks for your kind reply. even though i came out unscathed today, i am really quite despondent in that my early optism has suffered a blow. my confidence has dropped and thoughts of gambling enter through my head have increased 5 fold now that i have funds. it is right that she should know...but if she chose to finish the relationship, my life would be truly void of anything. i work, travel home, watch tv, sleep. i haven't been pub/clubs for years, i hardly ever go shopping for luxuries, my friends have lost touch and now we have grown apart...i am selfish and only have my gf as company. outside of work i have no one to talk to at all. i know i have to tell her but its so difficult as i know the outcome if i did. she is religious and would forgive me if it was once or twice but i have lied about a few things in the past (unrelated to gambling) so this would be the final straw. i have started to attending church in the hope that i can gain some strength from somewhere and find a more purposeful and meaningful way to live my life.

Hey 28

It seems like you have become rather despondant so try to keep your thoughts positive! (Don't mean for that to sound hollow either). Now yu say that there is a few hundred quid sitting in your account - if you gamble it will probably disappear. If you don't gamble you can actually use the money for what it is intended for. Now I've come into a bit of cash today and the temptation is there to go to the bookies but I'm not going to. I'm going to buy a sandwich (a really nice one from a local sandwich shop where they make them to order in front of you) and I'm going to get some nice food and drink in for the weekend as I have a free house and my friend is coming over. Even now I'm thinking "what if I just double it and leave?" but I'm going to stick with my plan.

Try and see the money in your account now as winnings and plan ways to spend it - whether that be on paying of debts or on everyday life. Even treat your girlfriend with some flowers or something.

Anyway hope all is well - I don't mean to sound like I'm lecturing!

Rob

ok

i've not reported back here in nearly two weeks. i had the payday loan money paid into my account. immediately i had lost 160 and paid 1 debt payment of 250 leaving around fifty quid for the month and i had direct debits to be taken out too. my gf lent me 20 for petrol as she wanted me to drive her sister somewhere. i gambled this but fortunately i won a small amount. i have betted small sums since and one day i was chasing and was betting big but my numbers came in and i pocketed 800 in total. however, this lunch time i was on a losing streak and i am back to square 1. promised my gf a short holiday which i was meant to pay for today. i thought this would be easy...now the reality has filled me with despair and real hope is fading

feeling bit deflated but end of the month is nearing at least. it is the weekend though. a friend called me to meet up for dinner but i am skint. my aim is to stay off gambling and to set up a night out in 1-2 months time. i went into the betting shop yesterday as i saw a regular in there who i had not seen in weeks. i asked how everyone was and if they had been gambling. most have been keeping away. another had lost his wages and had to borrow in order to hide it from his wife. why do we not see what we are doing to ourselves and our loved ones?

hi mate

the fobt*s will just eat your money up time after time after time, you might get the odd decent win, but everytime it will go back in, you will just be holding the bookies money in your wallet for them. i played these machines heavly for about 3 years. probally the worst 3 years of my life, important years! wasted! Its easy to come on here when you have no money, saying you wont gamble again, i used to say that after every big loss, but we soon forget the bad times when we get paid and go do it all again. vicious cycle to get out of. stick with the diary mate, even more so when u next get paid, you can get out of this, just keep working at it. all the best.

neil

hi neil

i am awaiting payday now as i have little option. but already i am thinking about winning a couple of hundred to ease the financial burden. i am feeling very low. cannot afford holiday. looked at my gf's facebook showing friends' news and pictures. seems like they are enjoying their life so much. i am ashamed and bitter about my own life. but it is nobody's fault but my own for this mess. someone crashed into my car in the night. still runs but has a nasty dent. was my pride and joy for a while. can't afford to fix it as even if i claim, there is a £400 excess. also, both of our birthdays are coming up next month. don't think i can survive. feels so grim. when i am down i feel destructive and chuck my money down the drain. all or nothing mentality.

hi mate

Sounds like u are awaiting payday, so you can go and blow all your months wage in a couple of hours. well, ok you might get lucky, even maybe win a little, but it will just be gambling tokens for the next day.Trust me mate, i have been there so many times.

Also do you think everybody elses life(ie gf friends on facebook) are perfect. no mate. Nearly everyone i know as some kind of problem or struggle, something they would rather not have.You need to look forward to your next payday as a new start, and try to keep it going.one day at a time non gambling, and please believe me life will slowly but surely get back on track.Cmon mate, you have a job, a nice girlfriend by the sounds of it, d**n you even have a car, theres just 3 things many people dont have.head up mate and do not give into gambling again, or next month is going to make you as bad as you feel now, if not worse.

had argument with gf. am feeling very low. if i had the cash now, i have no doubt i would be ploughing it all into the bookies. i hate myself and hate my life. struggling to cope. mind is not focused on work, i am snappy to people. bills are flooding in. cannot see where i am heading

friday at last. not spoken to anyone including gf. just sat in and monged in front of the tv last night...cant even remember what i watched. kept my head down and done my work in the office. feel like a zombie just going through the motions. bit of sunshine outside today. doesn't really match my disposition though. would rather it lashed it down. oh well

Chin up 28B, take it one day at a time.....that's all any of us can do.

For me when I stopped everything was such a complete muddle in my mind. Gambling had really screwed up my thought processes. As the time away from gambling increased I was able to start to put things in order.

I hope you are able to find your way 28B. I hope you feel a little better soon.

Stay strong....Jas x

28

Sorry to hear you are feeling so down, all recovering addicts have dark days, weeks etc..and the gremlins come back in your head and you feel as though you want to gamble.

That is what got you here in the first place and if you can resist in this tough period you will feel so much better about yourself next week.

Try anything that normally helps you resist the urges, ring gamcare, post a load of moaning on your diary, but give it everything you have got. You have done so well in getting to this point and it is only the gambling demons conning your brain into thinking you want to bet.

I hope it works out for you.

DT

Hi 28,

Just read your whole diary, it sounds to me you want to give up but don't know how to.

It is the hardest thing I have ever had to do and am only 5 months down the line. However I treat it as the single most important thing in my life , i have all the practical blocks in the way and use this site alot. Read a few diaries to see how much worse you can get , mine is a good example in fact. I really think with you having alienated yourself over the years that you must give GA a try. Your story of alienation and lying strikes a chord with my life. I went to GA and they helped me face up to life's problems , be honest with my wife , gain my self respect and build up the resolve to stop gambling destructively and stay stopped.

Remember this is much more than a financial problem. Let me know what part of the country you live in and I can help direct you to additional help. The help on here is fab but you sound with the alienation aspect that GA will really help you.

Take Care mate

hi

thnx for the posts guys. weekend was ok. was distracted by visiting friends so no thoughts of gambling. however, this morning, waking up on my own i began to think that it was only a few days til pay day. think i must do something to physically stop myself from gambling. luckily i have blocked my online internet account so that i will not gamble all my wages at the stroke of midnight on payday. i have done this around 4 times this year already and it hurts. dunno how i managed to survive in honesty.

but yes...this is all harming me psychologically. i feel alienated, stressed, depressed...totally lost. i think that i use gambling as an escapist way to avoid real problems. in the beginning i was perhaps more luckier and had not built up massive debts so the perceived potential to be successful from gambling was greater. 3000 debt was nothing and i mangaged to win enough to clear this plus another 4k profit in a matter of weeks. my job was relatively low paid in those years so i thought that by gambling i could top up my earnings.

now the highs from gambling are shortlived and i rarely use my winnings, mostly just pour it back in. the expectation of losing it all again seems almost normal now. yet the lows are getting worse. previously if i lost heavily i would have other avenues such as credit cards to enable me to survive. now i have to spend most weeks penniless. i think friday onwards is crunch time. if i manage to skip gambling only for that 1st weekend i think it will have been a big achievement as i do not recall not gambling on payday. hopefully i will post here on friday and report good news.

wednesday now. am thinking about friday now but not so that i can play, but thinking what a big challenge i have ahead of me. it will be the first real step in my journey as i haven't managed to prove anything yet. resisting the urge to touch the money in the bank is the real test.

i have fleeting moments where i am in 2 minds regarding whether to gamble or not. the trouble is my outgoings for next month will be more or less my entire wages due to a payday loan. boy those things should be outlawed! £115 interest per month! also unauthorised overdraft charges etc. its all adding up. so to make it easier i keep considering small bets just to give me a little something extra in my pocket. as i am typing i realise how fragile our resolve can be and what a thin line we are treading.

bumped into a fellow gambler whilst on way to buy a drink. he was talking about how he won his wages back from his last tenner and is gonna try to win a bit extra on friday. already, that moment has made my brain think about gambling. the brain tries to justify it, maybe implanting strategies into your mind where you try to win just a small amount each day. i have to find a way to keep myself from gambling on friday. 1 slip up will see me chase again.