It all happened so quick

Day 72 gf!

Thanks Loxxie 🙂

So I had my first gambling related dream the other night - I dreamt I went to the bingo, surprise surprise after my recent posts. I was stood in front of the slot machines with pound coins trying to refrain from going on however I did. I actually woke up with a slight buzz but also feeling so disappointed and scared that I had slipped up and gambled. I think my brain has played out the scenario of what would have happened if I gambled and no good will come of it - thanks brain! CW was totally correct in her brilliant post - to stay dry stay away from the wet places. I know I am not able to go and avoid the slots as I still notice them in pubs and feel that attraction to Mr Gamble - why put myself in a tricky situation when I can avoid it.

Havent been around the site much, sometimes I back away from reading diaries for a bit so that I give myself a rest from hearing about gambling, this seems to refresh me. I did read a wonderful post from Phil M on how amazing he feels now he is not gambling. He said it felt like a dark cloud had been lifted from over his head - something I totally agree with. Simple things in life are so much more pleasurable now when your not walking round with your latest big losses hanging around your neck.

Have reached my 2 month milestone - now onto the big one, my next marker is 100 days!

Today I will not gamble because CW's advice is still strong in my mind!

Day 73 - gf!

On I go to my 100 day milestone - so engrossed in work at the minute that the days are flying by during the week and have little urge to gamble. I was concerned with having my laptop in my posession but this has not triggered any gambling which I am very pleased about. I certainly feel like i have started to break my association with seeing the laptop and thinking slots, long way to go but making good progress.

I dont really have much more to add for today, looking forward to travelling back home and then having a nice weekend, hopefully the weather has some sunshine planned!

Today I will not gamble because I am continuing to break my bad habits.

Hi, Rose,

Glad all is good. I always enjoy looking for the reasons that you won't gamble, yesterday's was good! Can't take the credit, though, it was a direct quote from a CG.

I'm trying to cut back on the sweet stuff, I like your post about body and mind being temples. An inspiring reason not to overindulge.

BW,

CW

Morning Rose,

Thanks for your message of support on my diary. I really appreciate it. It is great to read how well you are doing.

I hope that you have a lovely weekend.

Dave X

Thank you for the post Rose80. Much appreciated.

I'm staying on the forum. For the foreseeable I'm happy playing a supporting role.

Belated well done on hitting your 62 day milestone. Always read your diary. The main reason I come here every day is to read why you won't be gambling.

No significance of the next milestone of 80 days Rose80?

Thanks for the support and CV advice. Very helpful and taken on board.

Huge admiration for your determination and decorum on the forum.

Enjoy your weekend.

Day 77 - gf!

Thanks CW - I think i have replaced gambling with a lot of sweets, trying to find the balance and keep going back to the temple to try and inspire me! Can't thank you enough for your wisdom at a time when it was needed!

Thanks Dave - your doing great, keep it up!

Glint - glad to see you are still posting, I always enjoy reading your thoughts and positive notes! It is important you still play a supporting role and are around the site for when you are ready to come back and hopefully start a diary with us! I should have thought of day 80 as my next milestone, thought I would aim for the stars and go for the 100 but thinking about the last few days I am looking to get to the 80 them onwards and upwards! How is the job hunt going?

Gambling papers over the cracks, this is evident in my past few days! Have been super busy, super stressed and allowed my mind to wander down a road that led to nothing but negativity and unhappiness - my outlet would have been ganbling! I havent allowed it to be but it has been extremely tough - to continue gamble free I need to work on these cracks and being able to deal with them in a constructive way. In all honesty felt completely c**P since Friday and slipped yesterday by watching about 15 minutes of slots online - just got to a point where I needed a release and my phone was to hand! It led to the inevitable of thinking of big wins and so I put into place 2 of my big triggers. The fog has lifted a bit today and I need to focus this week on not letting these triggers grow and trying to stop this snowball effect or else it will lead to a slip. Have recorded my feelings and how these built over the past week for therapy so can try and unpick what happened and talk through this so I can start to learn to deal with lifes pressures better. I am pleased that it didnt lead to gambling but this is the first time in my journey i have slipped on the triggers so need to be fully on guard for a while to keep the barriers up.

The fact still remains that I dont want to gamble, i dont want to slip because I cannot win because I cannot stop. This is a rough patch, im starting to come through it as I write this and need to take the positives in that I can learn from this and be stronger next time so I deal with whats going on in my crazy brain and dont let my triggers take over.

Onwards and upwards for today, I kept gamble free and know there is a lot of work to be done - sometimes this battle is hard but the end result of leading a better life keeps me going. Will be posting every day again until i am back on even ground!

Today I will not gamble because it only papers over the cracks & im committed to dealing with them in a better way!

Rose80 wrote:

Day 61 & 62 gf!

Thanks deano and Suzanne for the words of encouragement, I have reached my milestone of 2 months and it feels fantastic!

I have gone through 2 pay days without wasting any money gambling, financially and mentally I am the best off I have been in a long time!

Next milestone is 80 days, no significance to that number, it just gives me a new target before I go for the big 100! I really want membership to that club!

Today I will not gamble because I aim to be part of the 100 club!

Thought 80 was next.

Glad to see you still posting!

Not looking for jobs at the moment. Need to save money for a bit. Slow progress with my low-paid job but it's a regular income, easy, I'm sure of a good reference from the company. It'll do for now.

Well done for resisting. Demo slots are really dangerous. Read people on here playing demo slots one week and gambling the next.

Pleased to see you identifying your triggers and planning to work on them in therapy. I wish you well with that.

Learn from it, grow and get stronger - you've been very good at that so far.

Don't forget to keep barriers in place.

No more demo slots, easy on the Jelly Tots.

Well done on spotting the signs that shows how for you have come that's what it's all about retraining the brain.

I'll finish with a CW quote if you want to stay dry don't go to wet places.

KTF

Alan's version of it was that if you keep hanging round the barber's, you'll end up with a haircut.

Stay safe, dry and keep your hair long.

BW,

CW

Day 78 Gf,

Glint - what a great little line, that has made me chuckle and fully agree with it. Demo slots and videos are a big no no, ive got my ducks back in a row on that and will be doing it no more - it does indeed lead to the real thing! Ah good point it was my next milestone - just shows how much my brain has ceased to function the last few days! That is exciting then because I am creeping up on yet another milestone 🙂 Good luck with the saving, it sometimes can be slow progress but it will be worth it in the end!

Thanks KTF & CW - some more good words of wisdom, I definately dont want a haircut at this time so staying away from barbers and wet places!

Certainly feeling like I am moving back onto an even keel - when i come through these difficult times it always feels like it is worth it in some way as I learn a little bit more about myself and the things that make me wobble. I guess the last few weeks have been a build up of stress from working so much and being so busy that when i found down time I didnt know how to cope with it - I went a little crazy looking for a outlet whereby I need to learn to slow down and relax at these times and find a healthy outlet for all the pent up craziness that life had brought me. Next time it happens I will pick myself up, get my recipe book out and cook something new - I love cooking (even though i am terrible at it) but find it relaxing and a good outlet. Couldnt think of this at the time because my brain had gone to mush but next time I will be more equipped hopefully. If this was 3 months ago I know i would have gambled so im proud that I am making progress, i will enjoy the times it isnt a struggle and work through the times it is - I guess this is life regardless of whether you are a CG, there are ups and downs for all of us.

A big thanks to the recent posts I have received, during the hard times some words of encourgagement and also a reality check are just whats needed to keep me moving along this path im on.

Today I will not gamble because I am staying dry...with my long hair intact!

Lovely post rose...so posative...your doing so well...
And I've put some sunshine in the post to you : ) x

Day 79 gf!

Haha thanks Loxxie, I certainly think some sunshine brightens up the day and adds to the positivity so I look forward to receving it!

1 day to my next milestone - one day at a time I am getting there.

I do like regaining my balance, it gives me that little moment of clarity to pick away at what happened and due to my paper thin walls in the hotel I was afforded some time to think about recent events as the person in the room next door to me carried out there impression of a bull in a china shop!

I can pinpoint to the moment where lifes pressures that were bubbling became too much and it sent me on my spin - I had a confrontation at work (something that will happen in my line of work) and it played on my mind. That then snowballed into what was some negative thoughts into lots of negative thoughts about everything that I could possibly conjure, past, present and future. I couldnt find an outlet or deal with these thoughts in a contructive way so I held myself a pity party over the weekend, I felt like c**P & I acted like a piece of c**P until I worked it out of my system and found the off switch for my brain. Gambling was my off switch, I know that when i was gambling I was completely detached from these feelings, my brain stopped working and my sole focus was just on gambling - it was my escape. Not a good one, it didnt solve my problems, but it was a release of some sorts. So back to the mindfulness book, i havent kept reading it but need to as I actually got up to the part where we take someting negative / difficult and it snowballs where we only replay memories from the past that are also negative, until we drive ourselves down. If there was ever a sign that I need to get back into it, this is it - I remember as I was mulling over this incident on the train from work that this was happening to me, but I dont have the tools yet to deal with it. Will be dedicating time over the weekend to start reading again and bring this up in therapy.

My diary is like a rollercoaster, Im fine for long periods then whoop im into a wobble and fighting to keep my head above water - then I manage to work myself out of it and get back on track. Postives in this though is I have never once lowered my barriers and I have been nowhere near depositing. Even over the weekend i had my phone to hand, i could have found a site and easily gambled but i didnt. I could have got people to go to the bingo with me, but i didnt. It was blooming misery over the weekend but I got through it, have learnt a little bit about myself and stayed gamble free. The cracks are becoming so much more apparent to me, havent got a clue how to repair some of them but I feel like im making progress and thats the main thing.

My therapist once said that I need to recognise the black hole that i fall down for gambling - as I walk down the street that black hole is there and I need to learn to walk around it. Well this weekend I saw that black hole and I walked around it, I didnt fall. I feel in honesty like I walked around it and tripped along the way and grazed my knee, but i didnt go down!

Today I will not gamble because I can see the black hole and will walk around it!

Day 80 - gf!

Milestone completed - done my 80 days! Next one is definately the big 100, will remember that this time and make sure my brain stays swtiched on!

Mortgage application approved today which was great and recevied a littel bonus from work - top that off with the fact I don thave to travel for a couple of weeks and Im a happy camper! Looking forward to getting home tonight, have some good weekend plans to keep me busy and no desire to gamble. In my spare time Ill be studying and catching up on my mindfulness book, progress to be made on all fronts.

Today I will not gamble because I am focused on making progress in all aspects of my life!

Day 81 gf!

Short post today, busy busy busy. No thoughts of gambling, no desire to gamble so I will not gamble. Looking forward to a nice long weekend and hopefully some sunshine!

Today I will not gamble because I am looking forward, not back!

Rose....have a lovely weekend girl...I'm sure the sun will shine for you xx