It's all or nothing, always

Oh 4D im thinking of it all...the bit that hit home to me is the bit whereby the longer you play the more you lose and the fact that the the casino fat cats are laughing all the way to the bank while we aree crying into statements.

DAY 6

The days are coming thick and fast and I am so pleased to be wracking them up! Not really tought of gambling today but the subject came up at work in the context of the Las Vegas Massacre. Someone suggested that the guy must have been a CG at the end of his tether...others suspect that he may have been killed first by the people who then carried out the shootings. Tin foil hats everywhere in my office at times but is an intersting debate nonetheless. Especially the fact that some honestlly believed that a man could have been driven to mass murder by his addiction. Maybe they secretly know the torment or maybe society see's CG as potentially dangerous when the slots/ cards dont go our way?

Id be really interested to hear what people think.

Anyway, back to me as it's my diary 🙂 Not a bad day at all. Im due a refund from the bank and spoke to them again today and I honestly was thinking about where that money could be used (namely to pay other bills) I did not think of spending it on gambling at all!!

Each day seperates me from the losses and the thoughts of returning to gambling as a coping mechanisims.

Il be on the chat later at 9pm.

My name is Xenedra...I am 6 days clean from the worst addiction and I can win at life becuase I can quit gambling!

Hi xenedra my cg and I were talking about vegas. I was saying cg gone mad, it was mentioned in meeting Monday. But then it was premeditated. They are saying nothing found about him. I personally don't think they will say he was gambler gone mad, not good for vegas. I think government make so much money from gambling, we not only pay our taxes once! Anyway keep the focus on you and your daughter. I hope you get the house, new start. Just for today

Thank you Merry Go Round...I hope we do as well. My daughter put 'a new house for me and mummy' at the top of her christmas list : (

DAY 7

One week today GF! I feel great to be honest, the fog is lifting more each day and I feel confident that my life can change.

The evenings are still hard to fill but Im finding ways and tomorrow I start therapy and that is in the evening so that will be one occupied each week for the next 12 weeks.

A few movements on the house, had a phonecall from the referencing agency who wanted more information from me today but wouldnt give anything away with regards to an outcome. Still so so nervous about the end result.

My daughter wrote a very ambitious Christmas list so I have even more motivation to stay GF although it did make me sad that she only wants us to have our own home and thats the most difficult to secure for her.

Il keep fighting though...since the slots documentary on here I have not had many urges. I am aware that I am also really skint at the moment and that helps with any gambling addiciton.

Thank you all for reading.

My name is Xenedra and I am one whole week free from this awful addiction and I plan to make this the first week of many.

Hi Xenedra, you seem so determined this time, you are ignoring the one last time voices, and thinking about positive things. With you all the way f Gambling. Another YouTube watch for you. https://youtu.be/03kQXimVcrw

Thank you Smashed I do feel different this time!

DAY 8

Literally dont know where to start with today! So many mixed emotions....WE GOT THE HOUSE!! I am so pleased. Watching my daughter run around the rooms this evening was just amazing...she was so happy. I owe her this. And I am not going to mess it up. Having the house scares me as I have to be responsible again but it is also the biggest motivation to leave this addiction behind and move forward!

I also started therapy tonight which was really interesting. Im going to make the most of it, i think it can only help. The time goes so quickly though!!

It is really late now but I am going to bed happy, a little anxious, but happy. This is the begininng of the end of this addiction I just know it.

My name is Xenedra. I am 8 days free from the addiction. Far to busy building a better life for me and my daughter today than to entertain thoughts about gambling.

Love Xenedra

I am absolutely thrilled for you and your daughter , best news ever!!!!! Selfishly this gives me a glimpse of hope in my own house situation lol.Great to hear this news this morning and even more reason not to gamble. Have a super weekend planning no doubt, take care S:)

That is really good news, remember what gambling did and has done, and what it will do if you let it. Enjoy your new house, stay focused, stay GF.

Hi Xenedra. Hope everything runs smoothly for you and your daughter, she seems like a little treasure.

Don't ever think your fighting this alone, we're all by your side willing you forward . We all know what a monumental challenge your facing and we're all here for you.

If you feel the urge to log on to anything than log onto your diary and be with your friends ....stephen

Brilliant news on the house and keep us all updated how its going!!! So pleased to read this after your struggles x

I am SO happy for you Xenedra. I know how down you seemed about it before - and now here you are. This is life handing you a KILLER chance to make your life better. Let's take it...and run with it. No more payday gambling. Both you and me will try super hard this month to make sure we beat this.

Again. Amazing news. Congratulations.

Hi all! Thank you all so much for you lovely messages, I really feel part of a community on here! Was online last night as I had such a busy day and didn't get home until late then promised my daughter I'd watch Ambulance with her!

Sooo DAY 9 (yesterday)

Day 9 came and went in a flash. But most importantly...no gambling! And no intentions! I still get fleeting thoughts but not urges. I still replay wins in my head but I'm starting to think that all of that was the exception not the rule. I'm trying to get away from the good parts of gambling and focusing on the negatives...the many many negatives!

Feeling good! Thank you all!

Coming on to Day 10 feeling this is more manageable!

DAY 10

Hello day 10, a cold Saturday in October.

I went out with my daughter to look at some new things for our house. All window shopping and it kills me how gracious she is about that, she knows we have to wait until pay day (another 18 days away) until we can get anything but she never complains.i also have to try and get some money together to actually move into the house, although I'm hoping my daughters dad will help.

It's been a strange day today with regards to gambling. It has crossed my mine to 'try my luck' but kind of in the same way people say 'id like one of them' when they see an advert but never actually buy one.

I don't want to gamble ever again, but there is part of my brain that thinks I won't be able to live without it!

There is a long road ahead but I'm confident I can do this. I don't have any other choice.

My name is Xenedra and I am 10 whole days without a bet. I am looking forward to the future and gambling isn't invited!

Hi Xenedra,

Gambling is no good for us. And if we go back to it, the cycle keeps repeating.

It's misery, repeated every month. Here's a song whose lyrics tell us what will happen if we continue. Let's break you out of the cycle this Xenedra 🙂 We so want you to hit 30 days, that proves you can get a payday safely out of the way, and not, heartbreakingly, wasted....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F90Cw4l-8NY

Here's hoping you have a great weekend and week ahead,

Mixer

Hey Mixer,

Just downloaded this song...so fitting!

30 days is my goal! I want to get to pay day....still withdraw my cash...but get through it and move on and on!!

Thank you!

My pleasure Xenedra. It is such a beautiful, poignant song; let its message move you, warn you, and hence guide you 🙂