It's all or nothing, always

DAY 11

'I was left to my own devices. Many days fell away with nothing to show'.

This was my life, loosing everything over and over again, more than money...loosing choices...freedom...sitting in the garden in the early hours of the morning wondering 'how am I going to be an optimist about this?'

The walls kept falling down, the clouds kept coming and nothing changed at all.

I was in a rut, deep in to the addiciton, nothing else mattered, I did not have the energy for anything else, gambling was robbing me of everything. I am currently 11 days clean. 11 days free. The world is begining to show itself again.

I'm focusing on what means the most to me and thats my family, my friends, my work, my new home.

I spent today cleaning and painting the kitchen in my new house and I'm building solid walls around me now.

Day 11...you came and you went without a penny spent on this twisted addiciton.

My name is Xenedra and I used to gamble, I dont anymore.

Excellent post Xenedra.

It's hard to stop.

But like you after 57 days.

I used to Gamble. I Don't anymore.

Thank you Smashed...we are ready now.

DAY 12

Still gamble free, despite some strong thoughts today. I had a busy day and wanted to relax, naturally I thought of the slots...but they are no longer a comfort. I see them now for what they are.

Not a lot else to say for today...i'm still fighting on. One day at a time.

My name is Xenedra and I am still gamble free 🙂

DAY'S 13 AND 14

Didnt come online yesterday (day 13) as I have been so busy with work and the house move I am really preoccupied. I am very fortunate to have this distraction in the early days!

TWO WEEKS TODAY!! I am so pleased with myself. I have fought temptation but I have also been learning to live in a different way. I am trying to reassign value to money, value to time and once again seeing what the world has to offer.

I'm Xenedra and I am fighting this addiction every single day.

Wow great to hear you striding ahead to the life you want for you and your daughter, so pleased for you. It'S not easy to turn your life around but you are nailing it! Enjoy every moment take care S:)

I'm proud of you, don't let it back in again. You know what to do keep yourself busy and remember that gambling is watching you and waiting for you when your feeling tired, a bit down to give you that nudge be prepared to tell it where to go.

Thank you for your continued support. I feel like I am really making head way!

DAY 15

I'm exhausted!! I didnt realise how battling tempations and impulses all this time (15 days) could be so hard. I have been busy with the house, work etc but in all the rest space I've had I have been battling my thoughts. They are always there in the back of my mind but I am focusing on the future.

My therapist (2nd session tonight) is encouraging me to not squash the thoughts but rather use them, consider them and make better decisions. The idea is that if you say to yourself that you 'can't gamble' it makes it more appealing.

I feel proud of my progress and looking forward to many more days GF. I am aware that I have another 13 days until pay day...the real test. But Im hoping to be in a better place by then so it can come and go without too much anxiety.

I'm thinking of starting to make candles for a hobby and plan to use some of my wages to buy the equipment for this.

My name is Xenedra and I owe my recovery so far to the lovely people on this forum.

Strange that your therapist said that Xenedra because when I started, I never intended it to be forever & so I kind of had in my pocket that I would gamble again one day. I’m not sure of exact time frames but @ some point, I was planning my gamble & trying to figure out how much money I needed...It was a fairly complex process but I think I got to needing to be prepared to lose a 4 figure sum before it hit me, I needed that money to lose! Since letting go of it completely, I have found it much easier to dismiss any thoughts & now I know I never can. Kind of like having an allergy to it...If I had a peanut allergy, I may crave a Marathon (aka Snickers) but I wouldn’t eat one.

Congratulations on getting the house & biting the bullet with the therapy. Life isn’t easy but facing your fears will help you move forwards - ODAAT

The more I read your story and chat to you Xenedra, I am positive we are in the same place on the gambling free marathon. I feel this payday is a huge test for the both of us and I hope we can keep going together to ensure we beat this horrible disease.

I like the idea of candles - I would buy some for my Mum for Christmas - ha!

Hi ODAAT, yes i thought it was strange but I can see what he means. Deny yourself then you will put it on a pedestal and forever want it. I actually said the same thing in therapy last night, that I sometimes (in a moment of madness) think I will be able to gamble again in the future and it will be ok. Im learning each day that this is never going to be the case.

DAY 16

I am still here, still fighting. I'm having more thoughts of my beautiful (late) black labrador Welly recently. I think she is coming into my mind to comfort me but at the same time she would have loved my new house and it hurts me that she left this world when I wasnt with it, wasnt present and in the real ditch of my addiciton. I miss her every single day, she was the most beautiful soul.

I am finding that I am quite irritable. I am finding stress more difficult to deal with. Stress with work for example seems overwhelming. It might be coinsidence but I suppose I have given up my outlet, my chill time and I havnt found anything to fill it yet. So 'spare time' is exhausting to fill in the evenings. I kinda feel like I want to go to sleep and wake up when all this is over and no longer so hard. Although saying all this, some days are much better than others.

Im thinking ahead to payday and how this time it will be different...it has to be different.

Starting to move house this weekend so will be fully distracted from gambling!

My name is Xenedra and I am fighting this addiciton...one day at a time.

Hi Xen

Good chatting tonight (and you Adam!).

We are on a long, difficult path and taking our first steps. Care is needed with each one, we have lost our sight of life and must move slowly until our eyes begin to open again.

The forum and chat are great places, they definitely help.

Take care and stay GF.

adam808 wrote:

The more I read your story and chat to you Xenedra, I am positive we are in the same place on the gambling free marathon. I feel this payday is a huge test for the both of us and I hope we can keep going together to ensure we beat this horrible disease.

I like the idea of candles - I would buy some for my Mum for Christmas - ha!

Haha!! I think we are and it is a great comfort to me to know that someone else out there (or others out there) do know how I am feeling and what I am going through each day. We are the best support system for eachother. As great as family and friends can be you have to be a compulsive gambler to know one sadly.

Knowing me il become a compulsive candle maker!!

We can do this. We can so do this!

ste_ven wrote:

Hi Xen

Good chatting tonight (and you Adam!).

We are on a long, difficult path and taking our first steps. Care is needed with each one, we have lost our sight of life and must move slowly until our eyes begin to open again.

The forum and chat are great places, they definitely help.

Take care and stay GF.

Always a pleasure! I am so grateful for this forum, like minded people sharing in the peaks and troughs of this devestating addiction.

Let's keep it up...to the future and not a stake in sight...

Put me down for your first candle sale. 🙂

Hiya xenedra

Great to see your doing so well and are doing everything right in your recovery count me in for a candle Xmas pressies for Mrs keep going jft x