It's all or nothing, always

Thank you all for your best wishes (and candle orders lol)

Day's 17 & 18

Let's get to bussiness first...both days were gamble free!

I was hopeful, 18 days ago when I started this journey again I was hopeful that it work this time, that I would be strong enough to come out of the darkness and back into the light of the free world.

Day 18 marks the longest period of abstinence from gambling I have had in the last couple of years. But as much as the number increasing spurs me on it reminds me that I am still in very much the early days and will forever have to keep my wits about me as gambling will be waiting to pull me back whenever I let it.

I am busy at the moment, trying to organise a the new house, bills etc. When all the dust settles and routine returns I will have to be extra cautious. I am trying to lay the foundations for a better life in this time.

My name is Xenedra and I am slowly rebuilding my life...one day at a time.

Day 19

I don’t really have much to report. Just to say that I am still here, still free from gambling and still very motivated to seek a better future for me and my daughter. I had today off of work to try and sort more things for the house, including calling StepChange to reduce my monthly payments which they were brilliant about.

I feel more in control today than I have for some time now. To know that things are new, things are changing and things can be better. I have the opportunity to make such a great life for myself and my family and I am not going to jeapodise it this time!

My name is Xenedra and gambling had me but now I’m free.

It genuinely fills me with joy to read how optimistic and positive you are, as it wasn't so long ago things seemed grim. Totally respect to you for bouncing back and staying GF. You and your girl deserve every happiness, take care S:)

Sharon41 wrote:

It genuinely fills me with joy to read how optimistic and positive you are, as it wasn't so long ago things seemed grim. Totally respect to you for bouncing back and staying GF. You and your girl deserve every happiness, take care S:)

Thank you so much. I don’t want to make this look easy as it is far from that. It’s is a battle most days. Well, most evenings to be honest as that was my gambling time.

Day 20

I had a refund for something I sent back paid into my account today, I wasn’t expecting it. I checked my account just to be sure to expect to see £5.46 which I have done for weeks now but I had £20.46 (£15 refund) and my thoughts straight away went to gambling. I thought instantly ‘free money, money I didn’t expect’ ‘money for gambling, this £20 will win me money enough to solve my issues’ so I put off going to the cash point to withdraw it ALL DAY and about 5pm I went to the cash point and put my card in and cancelled it, my card popped out. I then stood there thinking, ‘shall I play the £20 on the slots?’ ‘It wouldn’t matter, I once won £280 on a line bet from a £1 stake I could do it again’. A man in a wheelchair joined the cash point queue behind me (Who knows how long I had stood there in a gambling daydream). And then as quick as the gambling inpulses come over me when I would be depositing my last £100, I stuck my card in and withdraw the £20. I was in such a rush I nearly walked away without the money.

But I had it, £20 cash. £20 that when you have no money, and it’s still 8 days until payday is most welcoming.

Today makes me worry for payday, I am thinking of leaving my bank card at work in my locked drawer overnight until all my direct debts come out, then I can withdraw the rest of the cash in the bank. I don’t have anyone that would hold my card for me and I can’t completely trust myself yet. But I am still GF and I am proud of the decision I made today!

My name is Xenedra and today showed me that gambling is an addiction strong enough to hold up the cash point queue for a REALLY LONG TIME!

Hi you don't make it seem easy, especially reading your early diary entries. I have so many times had unexpected cash and straight away blown it on gambling trying to double it etc. Now just take a day at a time and make small good decisions, then if I go to bed knowing I haven't gambled can sleep well. Good move to plan a strategy for payday, for some insane reason if I had money in my account I wouldn't be satisfied until I had gambled all of it, sad times. Take care S:)

Hi Xenedra congratulations on 20 Days GF. I am sure I am just one of many who are wishing you a successful recovery. We are all with you on this and want you to be happy in your new home.

I am fortunate as I have never gambled on line and am not tempted to do so, I imagine it must be really addictive so I am keeping well away.

Is it not possible to exclude yourself from the gambling websites or take some other preventative measures ?

Hi all!

Abstainer, I have blocks on my laptop and have self excluded everywhere I could think but there are always more.

I’m having a bit of a struggle this morning. I got a text from a +44 number with a link (didn’t read the text properly it said something about entering a competition) as soon as I clicked it it said I’d paid £3 to enter a competition for the Phone Casino and that the £3 would be added to my phone bill!! I am so angry! Firstly because I clicked on a dodgy link, secondly because Iv paid £3 for essentially nothing and there was no warning that it would be taken automatically! And thirdly its to a casino!!!! I have never used these casinos before! Never gambled using a phone bill but other companies have obviously sold my details to them!! Angry because I don’t think Iv gambled (I don’t even know what the prize is?)

Please help guys! I feel pretty rubbish about it all to be honest! Like I was so close to an online casino and technically gave them money 🙁 I was thinking of emailing them today to see if it can be resolved but to be honest I don’t want to go on to the site!

Advice please...Iv been doing so well 🙁

Hi Xenedra
Well done on staying GF and resisting the temptation at the cashpoint. Proves you have the self will to beat this, just keep strong.
Personally I would try and forget about the £3 text thing. It was not deliberately gambling, it was a genuine mistake. I know the £3 is annoying but I would not do anything that caused me to have to interact with any casino/gambling organisations if I could help it. I have come to realise that they are just too big and powerful for me to have anything to do with them. I block all the emails I can and delete anything immediately that has anything to in the title relating to casino/gambling/slots etc. without reading them. Just don't want those sorts of thoughts in my head anymore.
Keep the GF days going. You can do this.

Hi xenedra maybe call your provider and ask for them to block this stuff and report it. The amount is irrelevant it's deception surely? I've heard this before they will entice you back anyway they can. Good luck!

Hi xenedra,

Firstly never click on a link sent via text, you’re lucky it was 3 pound, scammers have been known to empty bank accounts through this method, it wouldn’t be unusual for them to continue to take the 3 pounds monthly some cases daily, I’m not scaremongering either . Phone your service provider immediately and get them to remove it from your bill, and any contract the link has you signed upto

Thank you for all your advice.

I will call O2 and discuss with them and ask them to block such access. and i am going to email the phone Casino and ask for them to return the money and to delete all my details off of their system. I am so angry that they can do this type of thing!

I will keep my wits about me even more from now on! I wish you could block and delete all your details from such places!

I have deleted all my phone browser history as well as sometimes I would search for innocent things and the casinos would be the first thing to show in the url.

Thanks again everyone I’m going to try and not let it get me down

Hi Xendra, I was sent this by one of my GA friends & thought it highly appropriate for you right now...”When trying to recover don't stumble over something behind you!”

Also, have you had a look @ the GAMSTOP sticky? I didn’t do my damage online so it’s not relevant to me but it must be worth a look if you want to get stronger blocks in place.

DAY’s 21 & 22

Just checking in for more gamble free days! Still busy with gradually moving things in to the new house.

Had another therapy session today and it’s all starting to make more sense. I just wish I could fast forward the time so that some of the damage I have done is partly resolved and I am further away from the addiction!

My name is Xenedra and I sometimes wish we could erase the past.

Just caught up on your diary... that cash point story. It's strange but it brought back a whole feeling I'd almost forgot about. That desperatation and FIGHT you have with your mind when an urge is latching onto you. Well done for sticking to your guns and being strong.

It was my payday yesterday and I did everything we discussed. Paid my bills (bar Car Tax because they're awkward) and withdrew the rest. I need to start properly planning Christmas as I'll be doing a lot of online transactions so I need to be very careful with money and make sure it's all managed and safe.

When is your payday? How are you feeling about it? I quite like the idea of keeping your card at work. You can have a cash fund at home for nights and the weekend and then you can just grab your card for online purchases when you need to.

Hey Xenedra, just checking in. Haven't seen you about for a few days. How are things doing?