DAY'S 23, 24, 25, 26 and 27
Phew! Where did that time go? 27 days without a bet...and counting!
I have not be on here for a few days and i'll explain why. There are many benefits to this forum, I attribute my recovery to the support I have received on here along with the comfort in knowing that I was not alone. I love posting, reading replies and reading other's posts and in the early, early days it was a great help to come here to post when I was twitching and aching to gamble.
But I had to take a break and the main reason for that is because I find discussion around gambling triggering. I find that the more I read and engage with other (ex) gamblers that part of me is kept alight. I found myself coming here to read the intro threads, reading heart breaking stories of loss and people at their lowest and my mind would tell me 'if they have lost there is more chance you will win'. It all got messy and distracting for me...so i took a break. I went back to basics with what I used to do before gambling and before Gamcare. I had nice, long baths, called old university friends, drank hot chocolate (and a couple of gins), talked to my daughters father, talked to my mum on the phone, I read magazines, planned shopping lists for new food to make, made a christmas list and arranged with my sister to take my daughter trick or treating with her cousins. All normal life stuff, stuff i had neglected, not had time or money for when gambling.
It is amazing how much gambling takes up your life. Not just sitting in front of the laptop or standing in the bookies or casino but the worry, stress, sleepless nights, lies, working out how much petrol £3.57 will relistically buy you or whether its best to use it for a bread or your daughter's school disco money, changing work and social plans so that you can avoid spending money and the questions that come with earning a £30k a year salary and living at home but NEVER having any spare money.
I am aware that I am still in the very early stages of my recovery. But over the last 27 days, I have changed the way I think about my life, and how gambling found me. Misery loves company and gambling is the best company, any time, anywhere, never changing, always willing to offer that hope that your own life lacks so badly. My attitude to money and it's value is slowly changing although it is not by any means restored.
They say it takes 21 days to break a habit. I am not sure what I think about this.
It is pay day tomorrow. The distress that followed the last pay day serves as a bitter reminder of the constant knife edge that this addiction keeps you on. I have my plan. But mostly i'll be treating it like any other day. Up, wash, coffee, cigarette, work and home, fill the time, bed. If only we could all bottle the day that gambling finally broke us the bitter tears, the dispair, the hatredl, the guilt, the emptiness. We could then sip it each time our mind wandered off into gambling as a sharp reminder.
My name is Xenedra and I get paid tomorrow. I will pay my bills on time. I will withdraw my money and I will not gamble.
Xenedra wrote:
DAY'S 23, 24, 25, 26 and 27
Phew! Where did that time go? 27 days without a bet...and counting!
I have not be on here for a few days and i'll explain why. There are many benefits to this forum, I attribute my recovery to the support I have received on here along with the comfort in knowing that I was not alone. I love posting, reading replies and reading other's posts and in the early, early days it was a great help to come here to post when I was twitching and aching to gamble.
But I had to take a break and the main reason for that is because I find discussion around gambling triggering. I find that the more I read and engage with other (ex) gamblers that part of me is kept alight. I found myself coming here to read the intro threads, reading heart breaking stories of loss and people at their lowest and my mind would tell me 'if they have lost there is more chance you will win'. It all got messy and distracting for me...so i took a break. I went back to basics with what I used to do before gambling and before Gamcare. I had nice, long baths, called old university friends, drank hot chocolate (and a couple of gins), talked to my daughters father, talked to my mum on the phone, I read magazines, planned shopping lists for new food to make, made a christmas list and arranged with my sister to take my daughter trick or treating with her cousins. All normal life stuff, stuff i had neglected, not had time or money for when gambling.
It is amazing how much gambling takes up your life. Not just sitting in front of the laptop or standing in the bookies or casino but the worry, stress, sleepless nights, lies, working out how much petrol £3.57 will relistically buy you or whether its best to use it for a bread or your daughter's school disco money, changing work and social plans so that you can avoid spending money and the questions that come with earning a £30k a year salary and living at home but NEVER having any spare money.
I am aware that I am still in the very early stages of my recovery. But over the last 27 days, I have changed the way I think about my life, and how gambling found me. Misery loves company and gambling is the best company, any time, anywhere, never changing, always willing to offer that hope that your own life lacks so badly. My attitude to money and it's value is slowly changing although it is not by any means restored.
They say it takes 21 days to break a habit. I am not sure what I think about this.
It is pay day tomorrow. The distress that followed the last pay day serves as a bitter reminder of the constant knife edge that this addiction keeps you on. I have my plan. But mostly i'll be treating it like any other day. Up, wash, coffee, cigarette, work and home, fill the time, bed. If only we could all bottle the day that gambling finally broke us the bitter tears, the dispair, the hatredl, the guilt, the emptiness. We could then sip it each time our mind wandered off into gambling as a sharp reminder.
My name is Xenedra and I get paid tomorrow. I will pay my bills on time. I will withdraw my money and I will not gamble.
Excellent post Xenedra, and I can also relate to finding it difficult sometimes to read through forums and not think about gambling myself. As fantastic a forum this is, filled with lots and lots of inspirational and friendly people who offer lots of great advice and words of wisdom, I feel like I'm spending too long on here sometimes, talking about gambling and how to avoid it. Maybe that's needed in the very early days. I'm talking less than 10 days.
Pay day for me tomorrow too. I've just had the most amazing evening.... Long walk in the rain, egg sandwich when I got home, a nice hot shower and then I'm going to make myself a hot chocolate and watch a box set..... Is that sad? It seems so mundane but you know what, I'm loving it at the moment. I feel so much more at peace.
2 days ago none of those things would have been in my evening plan. It would have been purely gambling.
Keep up the good work, Xenedra. Take care
Your doing great Xenedra!!!
Tomorrow I light a nice scented candle and think of you, wishing you strength.
The last 27 days are proof of your strength and the amazing changes that have all happened because of you, looking forward to hearing what the next 27 days will bring. You have done this, you can do this and you will do this. Keep following your dreams, never stop believing in yourself. So happy some of your dreams have already started to come true- I hope you and your daughter are settling in well in your new home. Maybe with your upcoming halloween plans you might find some nice pumpkin recipes.. enjoying cooking, spending time with loved ones, making memories, calling friends, enjoying a hot choccy etc.. Lovely to hear, keep enjoying these things and discovering other things that make you happy 🙂
Stay strong x
Thank you for your reply ​Moorey!
Life is full of simple pleasures. Best of luck with your pay day...its a tough day for all on here.
Can I ask what was your vice?
Xen 🙂
Xenedra wrote:
Thank you for your reply ​Moorey!
Life is full of simple pleasures. Best of luck with your pay day...its a tough day for all on here.
Can I ask what was your vice?
Xen 🙂
I’d start off by placing ‘innocent’ little sports bets. But then get quite cheesed off when they didn’t come in....
(They’d be 6/7 fold accumulators at 30/1 etc).... (Why should I have been expecting them to pay off???)....
So I’d try and recoup those losses with roulette (all online). Yes, I’d be trying to recoup my £3 and end up losing hundreds. That’s how much of an idiot I became!....
Hey Xenendra you've been doing so well. I hope you can make it through this payday, there's light at the end of the tunnel. I found the first payday really hard so I'm hoping its a bit easier for you but do whatever u have to do to get through without gambling! If its coming here posting then great, if its taking a break and treating yourself to some of life's pleasures like you say above then that's good. I am nearly at payday 2 and feeling a lot better than this time last month!
What you say above about reading the intro threads being triggering, I think this can be true especially when fighting urges, where you're reading about gambling wins and money amounts. Sometimes best to read the long term recoveries or the success stories for inspiration if feeling vulnerable or like you say take a break.
Anyway Im wishing you strength...I hope to see you in the 'striver' ranks..thinking what a great Xmas for you and your girl it can be if you keep going and beating this day by day.
Don't forget to treat yourself (not to gambling on those stupid slots who pretend to be a treat but are really a TRICK!!!) and have some me-time...most important!
All the best
4D
Hi Xenendra
Thats the thing about gambling addiction that there is no set path to quitting you have to make it up day by day. It's a wierd one as every day is different, and you read everyones journey and most are vastly different to your own path. I dont want to be on a recovery path, who does but we do get allsorts of emotions from others. The forum is like a community centre, there will be good days, bad days, and days you just dont wanna go, and do whatever suits you. Your doing good look what youve achieved this last month, follow the path :-).
DAY'S 28, 29, 30 & 31
Well PAYDAY came and went by. The 25th of the month always held in such esteem. And rightly so, it is the day that I reap the benefits of a long, hard month at work, I am sure that millions of people across the country eagerly await payday each month addiction or no addiction. This month was slightly different. I was with biated breath for payday. You see, I have been so used to not having any money, paying bills very late and getting letters phone calls etc, only ever window shopping for things that I could comfortably afford. Addiction takes you to dark places and during some of my sleepless nights I would wish that I could get paid, pay all my bills on time and buy simple things such a new duvet set (I have had the same one for years) etc. It all seemed impossible. Gambling took ALL of my income some months, other months I might withdraw some cash to pay some bills and the rest went to the slots. I was so used to payday being a day full of dread and guilt but first the excitment of having money to feed my addiciton again. When the 25th October came around I knew this would be different.
I have spent the last 31 days changing my life for the better. I have found that my mind is no longer constantly occupied with thoughts of gambling although, I do still suffer with fleeting thoughts and impulses that I am careful to manage. I have not allowed any gaps for gambling to sneak in the will power to respect this boundaries is the hard work of the individual. And it is a struggle some days.
So it has been 4 days since pay day. I have paid all my bills, put a full tank of petrol in the car, bought some new things for my house, bought some christmas presents, did a big food shop and have money left over for the month. This to me is a success. I am happy beyond comprehension whenever I look in my money tin (money not in the bank for obvious reasons). I feel that this pay day has been a big turning point in my recovery. I can see no way but forward.
Thank you all for your continued support.
My name is Xenedra and I got paid. x
Xenedra wrote:
DAY'S 28, 29, 30 & 31
Well PAYDAY came and went by. The 25th of the month always held in such esteem. And rightly so, it is the day that I reap the benefits of a long, hard month at work, I am sure that millions of people across the country eagerly await payday each month addiction or no addiction. This month was slightly different. I was with biated breath for payday. You see, I have been so used to not having any money, paying bills very late and getting letters phone calls etc, only ever window shopping for things that I could comfortably afford. Addiction takes you to dark places and during some of my sleepless nights I would wish that I could get paid, pay all my bills on time and buy simple things such a new duvet set (I have had the same one for years) etc. It all seemed impossible. Gambling took ALL of my income some months, other months I might withdraw some cash to pay some bills and the rest went to the slots. I was so used to payday being a day full of dread and guilt but first the excitment of having money to feed my addiciton again. When the 25th October came around I knew this would be different.
I have spent the last 31 days changing my life for the better. I have found that my mind is no longer constantly occupied with thoughts of gambling although, I do still suffer with fleeting thoughts and impulses that I am careful to manage. I have not allowed any gaps for gambling to sneak in the will power to respect this boundaries is the hard work of the individual. And it is a struggle some days.
So it has been 4 days since pay day. I have paid all my bills, put a full tank of petrol in the car, bought some new things for my house, bought some christmas presents, did a big food shop and have money left over for the month. This to me is a success. I am happy beyond comprehension whenever I look in my money tin (money not in the bank for obvious reasons). I feel that this pay day has been a big turning point in my recovery. I can see no way but forward.
Thank you all for your continued support.
My name is Xenedra and I got paid. x
What a positive post to read on this beautiful, sunny, Sunday afternoon 🙂
Doesn’t it feel great to not waste your hard earned money on gambling? Doesn’t it great to feel ‘normal’, like most other people. That’s how I feel anyway.
Keep up the hard work Xenedra! You’re doing bloody well my friend.
Fantastic news and I am super pleased that you've managed to get your head round being gamble free. I know for myself, it feels like something has just clicked?! It's very odd but I am so pleased you've managed to get past the dreaded payday and act properly by withdrawing money.
Also - I did a full shop the other day too. How weird is it being able to buy whatever you want?! Usually I have to plan every item in order to fit the tight budget that's been caused by a gambling binge.
Amazing news - and please check in every now and then if you can, would be nice to hear how you are getting on.
Great post Xenedra and so great to hear you happy and positive. Just doing the everyday stuff like paying bills etc is a pleasure when we're not gambling. All the best for your new place, you and your daughter deserve it, take care S 🙂
Xen, Adam
I have felt that click too, however it is important not to rest on our laurels and stay strong and focussed.
Xen - great news on getting through payday unscathed. I like the forum because it is there as much as you need it to be... no commitment to post every day, even week... but if we need it we have our diaries to get our thoughts down on.
Take care and stay GF.
Thinking of you Xenendra and I hope things are going well for you. I enjoyed Halloween but didn't get any trick or treaters so had to eat the sweets myself lol! I know you were taking a bit of a break from the forum so I hope your therapy has been useful in keeping strong (and maybe even started the candle making?!)
Best wishes to you 🙂
Thinking of you as well. Hope things are still going good for you. Let us know when you can!
Take care.
DAYS 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, AND 43
Good evening to all my GamCare friends, I am sorry for my prolonged absence.
Life is good. What can I say? I am 43 days clean. Although one slip...one deposit of £10 which I did not play...immediately contacted their customer services to say I wanted to close the account and having to explain that 'yes I know I deposited moments earlier but I checked myself before I wrecked myself'. It was an impulse and I was weak for a moment.
My thoughts are no longer occupied with thoughts of gambling, quite the opposite actually, to a point that I am now 5 (or 6) sessions in to GAMCARE therapy but I am using the time to disucss other issues that led to my gambling family, grief etc...my therapist and I have an agreement to avoid talking of gambling as this is a trigger for me. Sadly my therapist called in sick tonight but we had a quick chat and he was pleased I had had another good week (slip was over a week ago). I honestly could not recommend counselling more to anyone. It is hard but it is worth it.
My daughter and I are settled in our new home and so far all bills paid in full on time and Christmas shopping underway. I feel good to be able to have money at this time of the month (16 whole days after payday). I bought a rug for the dinning room and its huge, loud and gorgeous and it is my symbol to myself that I am better than gambling! I deserve better and work hard enough to have better!!
I dont have any magic for quitting...for me abstinence was the only cure initally and the therapy is putting it all together for me. Plus I do not want to let my therapist down.
Now the fog has lifted I am starting to grieve for my dog Bella who passed unexpectedly during the height of my addiciton. This is difficult as (I have recently learned) rejection and loss are huge triggers for me. I miss her so much, her ashes are on my mantle piece above an open fire and it is not fair that she sits on the mantle piece and not in front of the fire. But grief is the price we pay for love.
I sincerly hope that all my conrades on here are happy. I am learning to be happy again and it feels good.
I am hoping to be updating more often now because although it was a dark time gambling was a period in my life where I learned a lot about myself.
My name is Xenedra and I am grieving for the loss of my baby but I have better coping strategies now. x
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