Jer's recovery diary, 2nd attempt

Hey Jer,

Congrats on the 100 day mark, that's awesome! Keep up the great work and treat yourself to something nice.

Chicagoguy

Thanks for comments Rainbows end and Chicagoguy!

Sorry I haven't been around much lately. It's not that I'm too busy but still just so much stuff to think about and haven't really been on the "writing mood". I will write more some other day but just wanted to say still staying gamble free and in 1-2 weeks it will be longest time I have ever stayed free. I'm not counting days but it's somewhat scary that I have relapsed before at about this point. Even had dream about relapse couple of nights ago which made me feel uneasy. But just have to stay strong and continue to take one day at a time...

Take care everyone and have a nice gamble free weekend again!

Hey Jer,

Great job! In my group therapy class were discussing relapse. I posted some real good info in the new members intros forum, under my thread "chart of compulsive gambling and recovery" on relapse. This might help you get a plan of action in place, if you start having a lot of thoughts on gambling. Stay strong, and be proud!

Chicagoguy

Glad your still standing strong in them gamble free days. Makes your future so much brighter than giving it away on foolish bets. Keep doing what your doing cause it works.

I wrote long entry but my comp froze and lost it... again one of these days when all the small things seems to go to s**t. Feels like I had too many of these days lately and I know I should just laugh about these small meaningless setbacks. But at the moment my self-esteem is too low for that..

Long story shorter, thanks Chicagoguy and brokensoul. Read those charts you mentioned Chicagoguy and got some good points. Staying gamble free but thoughts are still one big mess. About gambling and about the girl and I have no idea which one affects the other more. About gambling I can say I have had no urges but still that lingering worry... Guess I just have to try pay more attention to my recovery. All this gamble free thing just feels so heavy burden again. That I will never be completely free from this and the fact I still don't really feel good about these gamble free months. Just makes me wonder when will I feel I have achieved anything about this? never?

But yea like you said brokensoul I just have to keep doing what I'm doing. Which is taking one day at a time and just doing what I have to. Also reminding me that feeling down gamble free is so much so much so much better than feeling down because of some gambling loss..

I try to write something from bit more positive angle when I have better day. Feels like I just repeat same things over and over again when my mood is like it is now...

Anyways I won't gamble today either and I wish you all a nice gamble free weekend!

Yeah think we all have them bummed out days when nothing seems to go right. Kinda worse when a ya have a string of them days and guess there's just comfort in knowing it wont last forever. Just seems to take that one little something happening and all them troubles are forgotten. Guess all ya can do is not put to much into it and try to shrug it off. Better days are always on the horizon.

As promised adding entry now with much better mood than last time. You are so right brokensoul that it doesn't take much to change the course and forget all the worries.

Finally got things settled with that girl and I really needed that. There's been so much confusion for the last weeks, but now we spent great day together and had good talk about lot of things. Even before that we both had made it pretty clear we like each other a lot, but really had to say some things aloud to her to clear the air. And now we understand each other much better, and it really feels like the doubts are gone and we are in the same level in so many ways. We still won't plan anything too far and neither of us cannot know where this leads but we have something great at the moment and that's all that matters for now and that is enough for now. I guess just have to enjoy the good moments when they happen and not being too hopeful but not too afraid either what might happen later.

And yeah, now when that stuff is settled gambling thoughts seems more distant too. Even when I didn't have real urges it's pretty logical I guess that when I have lot of uncertainty about other things my mind automatically thinks about gambling in some ways. After all gambling world was the place I escaped lot of things before. And now when I'm happy how other things are at the moment I don't feel worried about gambling either. In those charts Chicagoguy posted from his therapy sessions there was this sentence "The opposite of relapse is personal growth". I really feel I have made some of that growth again. I know things won't be all easy and rosy from now on either but that one day at a time about gambling and about other things is still kinda nice.

I guess it's worth mentioning too that I realized I have never been this long without any form of gambling since I was kid. More than 120 days clean now.

Wishing you all nice and gamble free days!

Hey Jer,

Thanks for those kind words. I think the more we learn about are addiction, the better we can understand it. Glad it's helping you also, I'll try to post more info later from my group therapy class also. Stay strong, we can beat this.

Chicagoguy

Lol well guess ya slapped a big smile across this face with your last post. Real glad things are looking up for ya and yeah life is better on the lite side and sunny side up of course. Im smiling with ya.

Thank you both and happy you're smiling too brokensoul!

Bit empty and boring day today but that's ok, good time to do some laundry and other "fun" stuff lol. Still feeling positive and hopefully good days ahead.

Glad ya had a nice easter and sticking hard to your recovery. Hope the study comes easy for ya and how long do you have to go till ya graduate?

Thanks for asking brokensoul. Studies are not going great but not bad either. Kinda boring stuff really at the moment because have to take some courses I don't really like. But I will deal with them even if motivation is not always (or usually) too high. Hope I find more motivation when I get back studying interesting stuff. Will be 3-4 years still to graduate so it's not easy road but one day at a time with that one too.

But yeah, still haven't been around much and too much stuff to think about once again... just wish I could find peace of mind for more than week or so at the time.

Still no gambling and I think it's been 130+ days gamble free now. No urges either but been thinking about gambling more than I like lately. But that is because I had to buy lot of new stuff last week and it's always the same when I have to spend big amount of money. My mind automatically thinks about gambling and winning it back. But I won't and I can't go back there anymore.

Time to write something. Overall feeling okay. Or maybe I should say feeling good because nothing much to complain at the moment. I guess it's still just that I can't give enough credit to myself and I just hate that. Almost 140 days gamble free and so many good things have happened me during this time. I know I have made lot of right choices about lot of things and I know I'm much better person now than 2 years ago or 1 year ago or even 6 months ago.

Problem is when something good happens I feel good about it for day or two. And when something bad happens I may feel bad about it for a week. And I always worry about things I know I shouldn't give a s**t about. Guess it's understandable because in the past it always felt like nothing good lasts for me.

I try and I want to see positive side of things but it's not always easy and feels like it takes forever to change my attitude. Even when I know it already has changed a lot. And in theory I really don't care what some strangers I have to deal with it think about me but I have to admit I still care more than I admit. Takes time to change that too.

Takes time to change my attitude towards money too. That too, has already changed a lot but like I said I had to spend lot of money lately and my finances are not so great. Not bad either because I can afford all the basic things and still have money to go out with my friends. Just nothing to put in the safe which sucks. Which leads me to think about gambling which I hate too. That subconscious voice that tries to tell me "Go win big and forget your money problems". Will that voice ever shut up completely? I mean I still know that I still could never control my gambling and even if I won big I would only lose it and more. And I know it would ruin everything else I have now too. So I know I don't want to try it, not now, and not ever again. So why the hell that voice just won't shut up and why I can't just enjoy the things I have now? Because that's what I want to do but why it's so hard when it should be simple?

Well once again all I can do is promise myself I won't gamble today either. And I promise myself too that I at least try to make this Saturday night more interesting than just sitting home alone.

Have a good gamble free weekend guys!

Hi Jer

This might be useful advice, might not, maybe counter productive.

But it sounds like you've not completely accepted that gambling is purely a negative. Well you clearly have on a rational level but haven't completely accepted deep down, or in some part of your brain. That's understandable and is the nature of addiction. I've started smoking again. I know it's highly dangerous, especially as I'm 35 now. I know that smoking doesn't give me anything. It makes me very unfit and goes hand in hand with drinking -also the 'satisfaction' is just satiating the withdrawal'.

Anyway, what I was going to say is, I don't know what your mode of betting was. Mine was primarily online (slots mostly). This means I can retrace my losses. I went through a years worth of bank statements recently and could see a trail of my continual losses. I'd lost over £6000 over the year. On only 1 of the 12 months i checked was I 'up' - by £40!

I found quantifying exactly my (persistent) losses gave me yet more resolution to fight this addiction and help put gambling in its rightful, place - one of pure negativity. I also found it reassuring in a way - as it shows that I have the capacity to really move forwards financially given that I was spending that much but still (just about) getting by. Just a thought - can appreciate for some they don't want to look back etc.

Enjoy your weekend

Thanks for posting cardhue. Lot of good points in your posts and I really appreciate you took time to post on my diary.

And I think you are right. Even when I know gambling is purely negative and I think most days I accept that totally. But then there are days when some part of my brain still tries to convince me there are good things about it too... when there clearly are not. My betting was mostly online sports, poker, casino and I have retraced my losses too. Even when I was up during some months, in the end it was nothing but slowly if not rapidly eating my money and I can clearly see that from my old bank statements.

But yeah, it's strong addiction that is not just about money. Takes time to change how my brain deals with the fact I'm not gambling anymore. Rationally I'm okay with the thought but gambling filled so much of my free time in the past that there is still big void in my life because of it. I have tried and succeeded filling that void much better than on my previous gamble free attempts but I have to continue working on that and I have to continue posting here. I know I wouldn't be this far without this place and all the support.