Joanne Isla's diary!

Joanne Isla wrote:

I've been tortured with thoughts of playing the slots this past week. I spent 3 hours (what a waste of b****y time or should I say sleep) playing pretend slots ...

... I'm just writing this down to remind myself how good it feels this morning to have made the right decision to close that account down.

Hi Joanne - congratulations on staying gf for 80 days. Hopefully more by the time your read this!

I found it very helpful to read your diary - I feel like I'm at the 'torturing' myself stage. It's odd how feelings can flip so dramatically because earlier in the day I was totally against gambling ... but come late evening I began to tempt myself with thoughts about roulette. I even got very very close to registering to a new site but cancelled on the final click. But I'm so glad I resisted and woke up today guilt free and and less poor. Not having that terrible burden of guilt and regret to deal with feels like a huge win in itself.

Thanks again - and I'm glad life is improving for you without the drain of slot machines.

Congrats on your success so far, great example to many others, keep up the good work!

Wilsy

It's around 4.30 in the morning and I've just relapsed after 85 days gamble free. I've been burning the midnight oil playing on-line slots, lost a lot of money. I'm absolutely gutted. Gonna grab some sleep, my heads all over the place. Report back later.

I've now had a couple of hours sleep so my brain feels a little less fried! Last week I was feeling so confident having reached 79 days, I decided I would only update my diary once a week ie a Sunday. I can see now that was a bad decision, I should have remained more focused on being gf.

2 weeks ago my uncle died suddenly so I had been kept busy with arrangements, family reunions etc. All went quiet again and by Saturday evening I found myself alone . I don't know whether it was boredom or if it was because the last 2 weeks had been so emotionally draining but I found myself thinking about gambling again. I realised that I could access an on-line casino and just found myself gambling. On Saturday evening I lost 330 pounds.

On Sunday morning I woke up feeling awful at throwing away my progress at being gf. In my head I thought if I could win back the losses I could pretend it never happened. Played on and off throughout Sunday and ran out of money at around 4 o'clock in the morning. I lost 1800 pounds, 300 pounds emergency money (I live alone so I like to have some emergency money in my current account) and 1500 overdraft facility. At several times throughout my gambling binge I was in profit but I just could't stop playing. Once I get into that slot zone I just can't stop, money loses all value until I run out of it.

I feel absolutely gutted that I've failed yet again. I just don't seem able to reach 100 days gf. Total losses this year alone 13,800, plus the 100 thousand pounds I lost over the previous 4 years.

The only thing I can take from this is that I've come to realise in order to overcome this addiction I have to remain totally focused on being gf, can't even drop my guard when things happen in life unexpectedly as they do. I think I may have been feeling emotionally drained and I guess the gambling demon caught me off-guard.

I feel really gutted at throwing away my progress and now have 2 weeks with no money until pay day. I'm really disappointed in myself. I'm dreading looking at my bank statement when it updates in a couple of days time. I was so proud of it these last 2 months, no gambling transactions!

I don't know if I want to try again. I'm so tired of failing. So I've decided I'm not going to start counting my days again, I'm just going to aim for being gamble free one day at a time.

Thanks to everyone who has posted on my diary, wishing everyone all the very best. Joanne

Hi Joanne

Really sorry to hear about your relapse after so many days. Sounds like the emotion of your uncle has pushed you over.

You are going to have to dig deep again and get back in the saddle. Maybe as you say forget about counting days and just treat every day as one to get through GF.

I know you are probably not in the right mindset right now but can you add any additional blocks to stop yourself from being able to access websites?

Good luck and look after yourself.

Thanks Must Stop 123 for your kind words. I did place a gamblock on my laptop but found it seemed to 'mess up' my laptop so I removed it. It's hard for me to break the 'triange', time , money , location because I live alone and have always kept my gambling a secret.

Still feeling fragile and disappointed after my relapse. This one seems to have hit me hard , I think after being gamble-free for 85 days I really thought I had put gambling behind me. Gonna put some thoughts down here , help clear my head.

I think being around my family these past few days has highlighted to me what a mess I've made of my life these past 5 years. Just how much time and money I have lost to gambling. However, that's nothing compared to how gambling makes you feel as a person. I feel so foolish for throwing away so much money. , a complete failure compared to my successful siblings/family. I've never felt so worthless in all my life. Folk I hadn't seen in a number of years told me I was looking well, that I was wearing well! I'm in my mid forties. God I thought , if only they knew what was going on in my head, total chaos , all thanks to this awful addiction.

Gambling weakens you as a person, that's what I hate most about it, what it does to you mentally. Like others have often said on this forum , it's like being in a relationship with someone that you know is not good for you but you keep going back to them. Despite the fact that gambling has made me feel so foolish and worthless I still went back to it for some kind of comfort when I was feeling low. I seeked comfort in the very thing that made me feel so miserable. I have learned a great deal from this relapse so hopefully it will help me to do better in the future. Gambling shows us no mercy, it will take everything from us, catch us off guard when it knows our defences are down , when we are feeling vunerable.

To all those who have just relapsed or starting on their journey, I know how you feel, with you every step of the way. To all those doing better, keep going .......... wishing you continued success. All the very best everyone, Joanne

So sorry to read of your relapse Joanne. Remember you are here with like minded people who can empathise with your plight. We are all together in this battle and can gain strength from each other.

We have to let the past go, draw a line under it and start to live a new life free from gambling. It is the only way we will ever find any peace in our lives. From the bottom of my heart I wish you success in your recovery. Whatever unfolds it has got to be better than the life of a gambling addict.

I recommend a browse through Sharon's diary, she has endured emotional turmoil, regret, shame and taunting from the addiction. However she has remained defiant and today is 250 days gamble free. Take care. Stephen

Thanks Stephen for taking the time to post such a lovely message on my diary, it makes all the difference when you find some kind, encouraging words from others. (Thanks also to all the others who have left messages) I've had a quick peak on your diary, sorry to read like me that you've had a relapse recently. Take strength from the fact that you managed 6 months before your blip. 6 months gf is a great achievement. My best attempt has been 85 days so you're doing much better than me! It does hurt when we relapse but we can learn from them, those gambling demons are out to get us , but if we remain vigilant and focused we can outsmart them. They ain't catching us out next time!

Feeling a bit skint, goodness knows what weird and wonderful concoctions I'm going to come up with from the scraps in my fridge/freezer over the next few days until I get paid. lol Thanks for the tip regarding your friend Sharon's diary, hope she doesn't mind me having a peak. I very much hope that anybody who reads my diary gets some benefit from it as well , makes them feel that they are not alone with this addiction.

Good to read however that you've managed to pick yourself up, hopefully marching on to victory. All the very best to you and everyone on the forum.

Day 4.

No thoughts of gambling although the weather has tested me these past couple of days ,been on flood alert. My house sits a couple of metres away from a stream. The stream can quickly change from a trickle to something sounding and resembling the Niagra falls. I go to bed and as the noise of the water gets louder, I panic and have to go out and check it in the dark, as it inches towards my patio doors! Go back inside, cross everything humanely possible, crawl back into bed and then find mysef doing it all over again as the noise of the water gets louder. Anyway, I had just checked the water level out at bloody 4 in the morning ,was just about to go up the steps leading into my back door when a mouse who was sheltering on the doorstep ran over my toes. Now I'm petrified of mice so first of all I completely froze, then I rushed inside and locked all the doors as if my life depended upon it! Went back to bed and the fear of another encounter with the mouse was greater than the fear of being flooded out! so I thought sod it, what will be will be, hid under the bedclothes and fell asleep! Woke up in the morning , the rain had stopped and the water level had dropped! I swear that bloody stream likes tormenting me !

And now it's gambling tormenting me! Still feeling upset by last weekend's relapse. I really thought I was starting to get it out of my system as I inched towards the 100 day mark. When will I ever learn, I can't win because I can't stop.

Apologies for rambling, just trying to knock some sense into myself!

Hi all,

Hope everyone is doing well. Day 20 gamble-free. I have been busy preparing for Christmas so that's helping to keep my mind off gambling. We've got lots of snow where I live so it feels very festive! We did have a storm and the electricity got cut off. A bit extreme but that's one way of not being able to access the on-line slots!!! lol

All the very best everyone, check back in again soon, Joanne

Hey Joanne,

Well done on this picking yourself back up and getting to 20 days GF. It sounds like you need to perhaps try and put the block software back on the laptop if possible or an alternative. I really admire the honesty in your posts, gambling really is like a partner that we know is bad for us, that perhaps has beaten us and has psychologically tortured us at times, but we often go back for the promise of the good side of him/her, the times when they are nice to us.. it’s very apt. Hang in there Joanne, keep checking in to your diary and you continue to have our support.

I hope you haven’t been atracked again by any streams or mice recently, hehe. Chris

Thanks Chris, you're last comment made me chuckle. I've had a quick peak in your diary, you're doing fantastic!

Unfortunately, I've just relapsed AGAIN, I've lost 300 pounds. I'll expand tomorrow once I've had a few hours sleep!

All the best everyone, Joanne

I’ve gone weeks without even thinking of gambling and then once payday eve shows up it’s like nasa countdown until my wages clear in the bank and then.... hold on to your knickers cos we’re off on a crazy roller coaster ride on the slots. Usually end up sick afterwards knowing I’ve been cleaned, or conned yet again as I say. I’ve even dreamt about playing slots and even winning a big jackpot, that’s how scarily deep it’s got into my subconscious. However, I’ve given it all up, completely and unconditionally. Sometimes wanting to do something or wanting to stop something isn’t enough, you’ve got to demand it off yourself. Even if you fail along the way demand that you start again and again until you get it right.

Thanks Norland for your support. All the best to you.

I had some money from ebaying in my current account, went in search for a site and as always I found one. Seek and you shall find. I deposited a fiver, I thought I'll just play some 50p games, no harm done! I started winning so I upped the stake to 75p , got into profit of around 220 pounds. I couldn't be sensible and walk away , oh no, just couldn't stop playing until I lost it all. One half of me was screaming, withdraw, withdraw the winnings but I just can't stop pressing the spin button until the money runs out. I then started chasing the loss, which of course was only a fiver but in my head was £200! Ended up depositing and losing £300. It could have been worse, it was the bank that stopped me depositing. At 3 o'clock in the morning I was cursing the bank for declining my deposits, I guess I should be grateful. I'll go put a self-exclusion on that casino site. I did have a gamblock in place but it just seemed to play havoc with my laptop. I'm so tired of this gambling s**t.

All the very best everyone.............

Day 1

Joanne Isla wrote:

One half of me was screaming, withdraw, withdraw the winnings but I just can't stop pressing the spin button until the money runs out. I then started chasing the loss ...

Hi Joanne Isla - so sorry to hear about your relapse. It's crazy how much control gambling has once we step back into it. We're like vampires trying to resist blood. It's just not likely going to happen. I suppose a small mercy is that your bank declined the withdrawl - which will go a little way to reducing that gambling hangover.

I've relapsed recently and I've found that the relapse stings so much more. Much more disappointment and regret - not so much the money - but in myself. Although I'm determined to beat it. And with your impressive previous track record of clocking up 80 days (I've never got anywhere near that amount) you know that you can do it.

I think there are so many triggers and temptatations around - from sad life events to seemingly innocuous Ebay accounts - that we just have to be constantly vigilant.

Your day 1 gf looks small, but it is still an impressive figure - because hidden in that number are the other 100+ days you didn't gamble. Best of luck resisting any urges and to staying strong if they decide to pay a visit.

Take care

Equinox