So here I am. day one.
Never looked at Gamcare website before, either didnt think it was worth it or thought I didnt need it.
I was kidding myself. I need this place.
Today I asked my darling sister to loan me £300. This is to replace what I lost yesterday so my husband does'nt have another blow from me to the side of head and straight to his heart. She said no.
I get it. I am unreliable, stupid, ridiculous and most certainly pathetic. I don't feel any anger towards her, she just does'nt have the money. So now I have the lie to contend with. He knows i have gambled. (my wages goes to his account, ironically, to stop me gambling) but of course I Iied (as you do in these situations) and told him that I was sorry, but this time I broke even and have withdrawn the money.
Now I know that it would have shown up in the bank as money paid in, not a refund from my current site of choice. I hadnt really thought that far ahead, I was just too busy thinking about how to ask for the money.
Not sure what my next cunning move will be.
Maybe face the music. there wont be no dancing though.
I am not fully convinced that I can stop this self abuse. I know the consequences of my actions, yet carry on regardless. I hate being skint, but carry on giving my money away regardless. I am in debt, but not worried regardless.
I want to stop. I have asked for help here. I want this to work. I want to be proud, and succesful.
To do this I am willing to bare my soul if thats what it takes.
Today, I dont want to Gamble. Today so far, I still feel the same.
We are all here for the same reason and you are stronger than you think you are.
I am on day 2 and have finally done what I should have done a long time ago and destroyed credit cards, installed K9 on my computer and self excluded from all the sites that I registered with. It took me a long time to do those things but doing it right now while you are feeling so annoyed with yourself is probably the best time.
That way, the next time you feel like gambling you physically won't be able to. I can relate to a lot of what you have said because I felt exactly the same. Please don't give up. You can beat this!
Hi mamalis, welcome to recovery š
Your sister could have just given you the best present ever by not bailing you out! This time when you face the music, be prepared! Have a look round the site, phone Gamcare, figure out how to break your gambling triangle (Time-Money-Location, take one away & you cannot gamble), be prepared to ask for help & accept it, I'm guessing grovelling will be required! If hubby is like most of the other friends & family, it won't even be the money that hurts the most, it's the lies that compound the pain! Don't let him find out when the fictitious withdrawal doesn't arrive, tell him! I was the opposite to you, every time I self destructed I told myself I didn't have a problem, I could just stop if I wanted to...Turns out with the help of my partner & this website/community the latter was correct but boy was I wrong about my problem! We are addicts, we will never be cured but we can learn to life alongside our poison & not pander to it's every whim!
Today you don't want to gamble, tomorrow you might. You have been trying to fight this for a while if your money doesn't come to you anymore...I lowered credit limits, was self excluded for miles around, nothing worked until I surrendered the secrecy of my addiction.
You can beat this, break free - ODAAT
Thank you for your comments. I missed a call from GamCare this morning but I have called back and left message. My husband knows now, it all came out, really no different from the other times it's come out. But I am hopeful that the plan of attack will work. His away at the moment, will be back Monday then I am handing over my phone (this is the only device I can gamble on... The rest are blocked) and access to money/bills/ everything will be out of my hands. I want that. It was good to read real responses from people like myself, I hope to be able be strong enough soon to be in a position to be so encouraging
what a morning, what a day. Hubby text me, 'do I bother coming home' I panic...he knows! He knows there is no winnings waiting to go in the bank. He knows my lies. I text my sister, she loves me and won't go all out to blame me, she says I do it because of him, because of my problems, it's not all my fault. Of course she wants me to stop but she understands. I wish she didn't try to make me feel better. Bless her. I have to reply to his text and I do, I admit everything. I tell him not to come home, to leave me. I don't say sorry. Sorry as to be genuine, I have said it so much that it means nowt. He won't he says. My problems are yours and vice versa. I cry, he explains his hurt. I cry more. Then I wonder am I only like this because I got caught?? Seriously this demon in my head does make me think some doubtful things about myself. Like I'm not really committed to stopping and it's all just lip service to get me out of trouble now. Please God, I want to put myself right. But I am so scared that I am listening to my other self too much. Is this madness???????
I have an assessment for counselling soon. And taking away every opportunity to Gamble. This is positive proactive involvement. Still don't take away my fears and need.
The fears will abate & with counselling you will figure out a way to address your needs! Gambling never took them away, it just made you forget momentarily & then compounded them! Addiction makes us feel worthless, pretends it is the only thing that can take away our pain...Well, addictions lies! @ the moment you are scared, maybe even expect yourself to fail but the measures you have taken before getting to this point are like mine! I may have refused to accept I had a problem, I didn't know I needed help but I promise you this, recovery is hard work sometimes but every bit of effort is repaid with a sense of achievement! We're not very good @ being patient, you will have some exploring to do but just for today, choose 'no' & slowly the fog will start to clear - ODAAT
Thank you ODAAT. Your words ring true, I appreciate your input on both my diary and the Kidding myself post. I have gone through a series of emotions, from reading stories on here I know the journey is life long. The trick is not to get complacent I guess. At the moment I am positive, i am benefitting from the help and community here.
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