Killing the Zombie

Hey Hue

Look dont be beating yourself up any longer

Youre here now and we are all complusive gamblers and we all know how you feel losing thousands of pounds over countless years.

Eeveryone has their own experience but when it comes down to it we all have the same problem.

I have confessed to family and gf but then ive relapsed and never told them so telling people and not sticking to it is probably worse than not telling them at all

If you feel you can stick to not gambling and recovering financially yourself i would urge you to do that in the meantime

Then if you get financially stable you could bring up to your partner or family that you feel 'you have delveloped a bit of a gambling issue'

You dont need to go into the financials in detail because you will have sorted those as much as you can

And that way you can get support without having to show just how much you have gambled over the years

Im not saying thats right either, it might be best people know for total honesty but in my experience when people who dont gamble are told they treat the amount of money like we SHOULD treat it

£1000 sounds like a fortune to them but to us its an hour online or in the bookies

So come on here...post lots, read lots...i think reading diaries really helps

If you stick on here and build up a non gamble run youll be surprised how much clearer you can think......

good luck!

Hi mate,

Well done on starting a diary we are all in a similar position to you and by posting on your diary as often as you can you can get things of your chest and nobody here will judge you.

I'd be happy to pull you along on our journey, I am only 11 days gamble free after relapsing again but I'd be happy to be your pal.

Stay strong what is done is done don't worry about it but by addressing this problem now you have taken a massive step towards a better future.

I think your can keep your losses a secret your new love doesn't need to know everything and like you say people who don't gamble don't always understand mine doesn't and it has always caused problems.

Good luck on your progress.

Andy

Hi hue

Well done for starting a diary yes it will help u log what ever ur feeling it will really help to get it off ur chest , no one will judge u only help and support , u will quickly realise that ur not alone and there is hope

Take it one day at a time and do whatever it takes to get through the early days in time the brain that knows nothing other than gambling or as u say that zombie thats inside u will slowly start to see more clearly and in time u will see that gambling is not needed in ur life and there really is more to it

Its all bout choices but only u can make the right ones make the right ones and u can go on to live that better life we all looking for

I wish u all the best

Castle2

Hi Castleboy - appreciate your support thanks for making me feel welcome.

NIboy - Interesting to get your personal advice from someone who has been there. I'd presumed received wisdom would be to bear all to my GF - but it feels right what you say. As this is the first time in 17 years that I've really admitted I've got a problem (to myself fully, and certainly to anyone else), I think I'm going to try to sort myself out on the quiet. If I relapse then it probably is time to come clean.

Likewise Wilsy, thanks. I had a quick read through your diary and I'm impressed by your perserverence. Glad to see that you recently seemed to be looking at the 'loving gambling' thing and maybe realising could be a trick of the mind. I've stopped smoking recently and the big thing for me was realising the self-deception of 'loving' cigs and really isolating it as an addition. The first ever cigarrette you have is disgusting, yet you come to 'love them'. Losing vast amounts of money is also counter intuitive. Anyway, do keep in touch.

Haven't had any real urges today - was in a Wetherspooon pub for a coffee earlier, the type of anonymous hole full of FMs that would usually have drawn me. Did watch somoene play for a bit - not sure that's healthy but wasn't tempted.

Been in contemplative mood about the CG. Putting in writing the extent of my gambling in, terms of money and time spent, has really made me feel quite odd and bit spaced out. Pretty sure these are positive feelings though. I'd consider myself quite a rational person so it's interesting seeing how much I've deluded myself over my problem.

3 days down..

Hi Hue

I consider myself to be sensible / rationale with everything I do in my life apart from one massive weakness, that being my inability to stop gambling. Some of my friends are pretty similar so I guess it's quite common?

From an early age I have always played a lot of sports and have always been ultra competitive. I often wonder if there is a link between that and my inability to accept defeat in my battle to be 'too clever' for the bookies? Needless to say I have never been too clever to beat the bookies, I just end up beating myself up on a regular basis.

In the last few days I have once again accepted defeat and this time I am really determined to keep that thought at the forefront of my mind.

I have a lot of debt and that often makes me think of all the money I have lost over the years, what a waste that has been and how much more I could be getting out of my life if I had spent it more wisely and didn't have a stack of debt. I am going to try and stop those thoughts in their tracks and accept it has all gone and I will never get it back because those thoughts just get me down and make me angry at myself. It's time for me to grow up and look forward and be grateful for all the wonderful things I have in my life already which money couldn't buy.

I'm not sure if any of my experiences are relevant to you or not but hopefully they may be of some help?

Speak soon and stay strong

LA

Sounds like youre head is clearing nicely Hue

The first few days are the hardest, then it gets easier

Then if we make it to 2 or 3 months it gets harder again cause we get complacent

Key is to not breka the non gambling cycle

If you put 25p into a FM in weathersppons in your own head youll have broken the cycle and youll be back at day one....and youll think...i cant be bothered with day 1 again so ill just gamble more

Thats whats happened to me in past relapses so i know that any money on my addiction (slots and online poker) would break my cycle

Coffee, read, watch tv, hang out with mates, exercise

Whatever you need to do to keep your brain active

When your busy you dont have time to gamble!

Good luck for day 4!

Thanks Looking Ahead & NIBoy

I can relate to what you say about your competitiveness. I had this idea that I was generally too smart to be addicted - at least in the earlier days. I guess with either of us it's about letting your ego get in the way of making rational choices?

Leaving aside the gambling thing its a negative quality to have a 'smarter than others trait' and I'm trying to stamp it out for non-gambling reason too.

No problems today. Annoyed that I took out 2 PDL's just before my pay day on Sunday. Means I've had £180 immediately taken off wage so even with a clean month the rewards wont be so great - what with London rent, loan repayment etc its not easy taking chunks out my overdraft. Still I'm thinking that I've become such a tight **** through gambling that once I cut it out for a sustained period I'll be rewarded pretty quick.

Although I self excluded the biggies the other day I've just spent some time going through all the sites I've joined up over the years. WOW. Bloody loads of them, seriously, was like a whirlwind tour of my gambling history. Bleak times. God knows how many - maybe 20 or so and I'm 100% sure I'm down on each one (some VERY heavily). Very satisfying doing it though and I'd recommend anyone who hasnt already done this to get on it ASAP!

4 days...

Good going sir

Yes im the PDL club as well this month, got 395 to pay back on Feb 10th, thats going to be fun along with nearly £600 of other debts before i even get to my own bills lol

Im the same with poker sites, think ive joined about 10 over the years and i wouldnt have a clue what my login or password is for 90% of them anymore!

Im also in the 'too smart' for gambling club as i seem to think that cause i gamble in an amusements in a suit during work hours that it makes me better than the dole seekers who are arguing with the staff about £1 that didnt register in a machine

Of course im most certainly not any beter, worse in fact, i should have more sense but ive been there for hours probably looking like a desperate sad case to the people handing me change every 5 mins

If we could look at ourselves through a bookies or amausement staffs eyes it would probably scare us to death how sad we look!

But if we dont do it we will look like normal, non addicted people building a good future!

Heres to that!

Yep NIboy. Used to trawl pubs doing fruit machines. Scuttling around in a sweat, nervously watching other machines. Pretty mortifying looking back. Don't have to look back too far.

No further urges not much to add, didn't post yesterday so wanted to touch base. Don't want to jump the gun, but I think the early days will be less of a problem for me and my recovery might have similar traits to when I've stopped smoking. I've been stopping smoking for significant chunks of time over the last 4 years - stopping for anything from a month to a year. Aside from the extreme physical withdrawl of the first 5 days I then find things quite easy. Then at some point, always when P*****, I will decide that one P**f is OK. I might then not have another drag for a few weeks but surely enough, some seed is sown and at some point the flood gates open and I'm back on 20 + a day.

Whilst disappointing this hasn't been too damaging for my health, as I've been restarting heavily for a month then stopping for a much longer. If this was mirrored in gambling, however, then it could be devastating as we all know what damage a briefish gambling binge can do.

Anyway, one step at a time. Might look for advice in this aspect later on after I've done a month.

OK, well its been one week gamble free with no real drama. Went out last night and had quite a few ales so good to come through unscathed.

Can't say I've had any real urges to gamble - actually had some urges to smoke last night as I only stopped on 2nd Jan. Would be good to be able to abstain from both vices though I realise that gambling is the bigger issue as a relapse if far more destructive.

Need to get start planning my weekends and evenings. Now there's no gambling there's a lot of time which needs to be filled constructively.

Day 10 is nearly complete.

Spent today trying to sort out how I'm going to deal with my debt situ. This invovled phoning up a couple of advice places. Phoned CAB and took a bit of a leap by explaining the reason for my debt - this was in fact the first time I've actually spoken to anyone about my problem, ever, in all of my 16 years gambling. Have much respect for CAB but in this instance they were so-so, didn't really get much from the convo.

Then phoned up CCCS and again fessed up - this time the guy was really supportive and non-judgemental. Felt good and made me think maybe talking to someone would be a good idea. Still not comfortable with idea of telling GF or family though could possibly tell a friend.

CCCS guy tried to start going through my monthly outgoings in fine detail. I politley explained that I'm pretty sure I've got the thrift thing nailed down as that's one thing gamblers tend to be OK with. How else could I *only* be in the debt I am when I've possibly spent around £100-120,000k gambling in my 16 years?!

As it happened CCCS guy was more useful for his moral support rather than financial, as his advice seems to be simply 'pay as much debt as you can'!

One of my concerns is my interest I'm paying on my o/d. Before pay day it will nearly be maxed to its £4500 limit. This is generating around £50 P/m interest. (Am also paying off a loan which is down to about £1500.) Was considering whether to shift o/d onto a credit card with interest free for a year - this would save £600 over the year (never had a CC before). Appreciate this sounds like financial suicide given it's early days in my recovery. I do however feel pretty sure I'm done with gambling. I've never catgegorically admitted I'm an addict before and never spoken about my situation before, so this is all new territory. Guess I need to be a bit patient and at least go a month before seriously considering this option.

Realise that debt talk is a dull subject for a viewer but, as ever, feels good to get my thoughts written down

If your total debts come to over £15k id recommend a debt management plan Hue

Thing is with that the interest will get frozen and you can put the bills into one monthly sum that you can afford

Its really difficult to keep juggling bills and interest and sometimes its easier if someone can organise that for you

I know how you feel, ive been juggling debt for 12 years

Its pretty grim!!! lol

Hey Cardhue

Just wanted to say thanks for posting on my thread. Your right my journey in the last 70+ days has been a remarkable one. I was in a bad place. My addiction got so bad last year but something just snapped inside me. The light went off in my head and told me that enough was enough. Finally I have seen another way and I really have no place for gambling in my life any more. It nearly ruined me and could have cost me my family.

Today I write this 70+ days gamble free. Never ever come this far bet free in my life. It feels great. I sleep well, eat better, I exercise regularly and value the time I spend with my kids. My head is so much clearer(not zombie like). Not waking every day thinking about my next bet.

Keep your diary going, enjoy writing it. It's a release. You can really express yourself. I love the fact that no-one judges anybody here. We're all here to help each other. Good luck with your recovery. In time you'll decide whether to talk to your partner about your addiction. For the time being let us be your support.

Have a great week.

G

Hey card hue. Just been catching up with your diary. Managing debts is difficult. I would be cautious with the credit card. I thought in a similar way to you.

I transferred £2500 of debt onto a credit card. The credit card also had £2000 limit. I started with good intentions but as a gambler it my debt soon almost doubled.

Keep up the good work with your recovery. There is a lot of support on here and regular posts will really help.