Let's see how it goes.

Danny, relationships, heartbreak, depression are very much the subject in hand. Gambling has prevented you from nurturing your loved ones, aggravated your low esteem & caused you to be where you are now. But, as you will hopefully discover as you keep working your recovery, being in this bad place & moving yourself forwards will make you appreciate life more, make you stronger & hopefully stop you making the same horrible mistakes in the future - ODAAT

Hi ODAAT, thanks for commenting. Looking back now and for the first time in a long time I can see everything with a clear head and while my wife and children may love me I know I haven't been the best husband or father that I could have been and would do anything to put that right. Regarding moving forward and without sounding arrogant I know I can do this and as much as I'm trying to stay positive about the recovery road ahead I can't help but feel miserable about the breakdown of my relationship. If my wife was to say to me that she hated me and what I've done but she is going to be there for me to help me through and was willing to work at our marriage I would be looking at this from a completely different point of view instead of always being so negative about it all, but life is never that easy.

Hi Danny,

My advice would stop being so hard on yourself. You've admitted you have a problem and sound like a good guy, you obviously love your wife and kids.

So keep the chin up and see how it goes when you get home. If it doesn't go great then work at it.

You don't sound arrogant but be careful. This is the second time I've been in the position I am and I would say it's partly down to me knowing I could do it as well. I thought I was better than other people and didn't think I needed GA. I thought I could have a small gamble and this time it would be different as I could control myself. Didn't take very long at all before I was chasing big losses.

This time I will be seeking as much help as I can get as I want to know how to keep it from happening again. But that will be the case if I'm still with my wife or not.

Hey Proudarab, once again thanks for posting. I used to always think I was a really good guy, but I look back now and I'm not so sure. I know one thing, I do love my wife and children very very much and would do anything for them, that includes putting right this mess for all of their futures (even if me and my wife do seperate).

I'm looking back at the destruction and going over the amount I blew in my last binge and it's frightening how I didn't see it. I'm embarrassed and to be honest extremely disappointed with myself to think that I would even think of doing what I've done let alone actually carrying it out. My losses spiralled and I'm not sure if a mist descended but at the time I genuinely thought there wasn't a problem with the amounts I was depositing when chasing them losses, I'm mortified now. How the hell does that happen???

This is the first time I have come out and admitted my problem to my wife and it will be the last. Regardless of my situation at home, I'm holding myself fully accountable and will not be giving myself a 2nd chance..that's it I'm finished with Gambling. I've admitted to my wife that I have a problem, my uncle and my best friend know and I will be using them all as much as I can to help me in my recovery if they allow. I will be taking the counselling from gamcare and Iwill also be making an appointment with my doctor for when I return to see if he can help in anyway. Hopefully when the dust settles I will have my wife looking over my shoulder so that I can't stray and also taking a tighter reign of the finances, I won't be leaving any stone unturned. I feel stronger for coming out with it, almost as if I have got one over that little demon in my head but I won't be getting complacent, this is only day 12 without a bet afterall. I have stopped before but always went back, starting with little bets slowly getting bigger over time, that won't be happening again either. Over the last few years I have had a good job and me and my family should be living an amazingly comfortable life right now, instead I've made things worse. So today I need to look forward, I need to get christmas out of the way and then I will begin with the process of getting rid of my debts, it won't be done overnight I won't kid myself but with hard work and a bit of luck I will get there and even if me and my wife aren't together I hope that one day she can say to me that she is proud of me for beating it and getting everything sorted, I know I don't want to be letting her down anymore than I have and hopefully I can now become a better father to my children.

Keep posting mate and keep the chin up.

I'm 4 days ahead of you on day 17, and I look forward to seeing you on day 370 odd a year from now. Fingers crossed both our lives will be looking a lot better.

Day 13, unlucky for some, definitely unlucky for me. This is the worst day of my life, my lowest moment ever. Can't stop thinking of what I've done and life without my wife and it's destroying me. I'm not sure if I'm on the edge of a breakdown or just suffering with depression but I can't stop crying, I only have to look at her picture or see her name and it sets me off, I sit for hours looking for her to come online on facebook and waiting for a message even though I know it's not going to happen. I feel dead inside, almost numb. I'm home in 2 days and I hope she stays awake for me getting home and hits me really hard so that I can feel something. I just don't know how I'm going to get through the next 2 days at work.

Proudarab, struggling with the chin today. Hardly slept, not eaten a thing and can't stop crying. I hope you keep to your word because I can guarantee you I'm done with it. I hate the person gambling made me and i have no intentions of ever becoming that person again. I'm making a promise to myself, and more importantly my wife and children that I am done with gambling for good and I will do everything in my power to make this right. If only she knew how sorry I was and how much I loved her x

Danny, go online & Google relaxation breathing techniques! It may sound a bit crazy but I use them now without even realising & it seems to do a bit of a Ctrl Alt Delete in my brain?

You can't live your life for others, you have to figure out a way to take care of you so that you can be the friend & father you want to be. Going home a dribbling mess may cause her to take pity on you but you are better than that! Yeah, you've made some dumb r*e mistakes over the years but you've had the strength to own up to them now & on your worse day ever, you haven't turned to addiction to sooth away your pain, you're facing it like a man & that counts for so much!

Try & get some calories down, even if it's just a hot drink of milk maybe some honey thrown in there. It's out, the damage is done, it hurts, I get that but you are finally moving forwards & you will keep doing so as long as you keep fighting - ODAAT

Thanks ODAAT, I never really looked at it that way, that even on my worse day I never turned back to gambling. Maybe that does say something. I've had a chocolate bar and a few coffees, they will get me through the rest of this nightshift then I'll try and have some breakfast before I try to get some sleep. I'll look into the breathing techniques, you never know it might help a little.

Regarding living my life for others, I know what you are saying but I do literally live and breathe for my family. The challenge will be if I lose them, as long as they are still within reach I can fight.

Living and breathing for your family might be part of the problem. It's great that you do have an emotional connection with your wife and kids, my experience was that my husband's connections got totally lost in the gambling. But first and foremost you're you and you have to be good enough for yourself.

There's a quote from Hillel in Ethics of the Fathers: If I am not for myself, then who will be for me? If I am just for myself, what am I? If not now, when?

That quote isn't about me, me, me, it's the oxygen mask on the plane principle, if you don't put your mask on first, it isn't possible to put on anyone else's. And it applies equally to your wife. You do at some level have to "be" for yourself and take on your own responsibility. I wouldn't advise you to throw yourself sobbing onto her mercy so that she can stop you gambling. She can't. Be for yourself, pick yourself up, take the practical measures to block your access to gambling and go to GA and counselling. Actions speak louder than words and emotions.

Your wife will have to deal with the fallout, but that's for her not you. The support is out there, GamAnon, GC, her friends and family. Point her in the right direction and let her take that support but it's not for you to manage how she copes.

It can get better. But the final choices as to whether you make things better for you, those choices are yours.

Wish you well.

CW

Hi, sorry to hear your so low and about your relationship. I'm over 60 days gf now and in the early days of recovery I did beat myself up but as part of recovery you have to learn to like and understand yourself. Your doing well with staying gamble free when you get home I would suggest maybe you book in to see your GP, he may be able to prescribe something to help you and you can also get counselling through them. Your wife is feeling very raw too at the moment, she needs time. Not sleeping makes you low, I've been there and you can't cope very well when your constantly tired. Stay strong and positive and things will start to improve, little by little. This site is a great source of support and you only have to read some of the success stories to know it can be done. Best wishes and take care on this journey to recovery x

Hi CW and thanks for your comments. I've read so many stories on here from other halves who's partners don't want to change or refuse to stop over and over again yet they get chance after chance. This is the 1st time I've come out and admitted I have a problem and you have absolutely no idea how much I want to change and stop, I am so driven. I don't want my wife to solve my problems at all, quite the opposite actually. I want to prove that I can do it for myself firstly but equally to show my wife that with the help of counselling (hopefully starting soon) I can become the man she fell in love with and married. I understand my wife is angry and hurt and I'm devastated to have done that to her but it's the 1 mistake I've made in 14 years of being together, my fairytale mind thought I'd get that 2nd chance.

I'm determined to show everyone I can beat this. I have excluded myself from all accounts that I can remember me using, if any pop up out of the blue they will be blocked also. The counselling ball is rolling and I'm hoping after a discussion with my wife that she will begin to have a little more access to my finances to keep a casual eye over them.

Hopefully I'll keep you up to date with my progress but mentally right now I'm drained. Maybe if I was home things would be different but I've been isolated for 3 weeks to go over and over my thoughts and I've tortured myself with my stupidity. 2 more days and I'm home and it can't come soon enough x

Hi Danny got to catch up on your diary but just wanted to drop by and wish you well both in your freedom from gambling and your relationship. I really do hope things work out for you there, anyway best wishes hun Lu x

Hey Anon and Lulu, sorry I've only just seen your posts. I've been working nightshift so been a little bit tired. Thanks for your support, it means a lot to know that people understand what your going through. I'm trying to stay as positive as I can, I'm home in 2 days so that will hopefully improve my mindset being around people I know and that want to help. I was thinking about going to the doctors but I dont like to be wasting their time when some people need genuine help and hopefully now I'm back on daytime hours my sleep will improve a little. My worst period was past 11-12pm when everyone would go to bed and I'd have 6 hours with no-one to talk to, now everyone will be awake when I am so hopefully it won't be as bad.

Hi Danny I'm pleased to see you not regretting coming clean even if you didn't get the desired response straight away. It's good that you see even if it does cost you more than money it had to be done. I hope things work out you need to be honest and transparent and show her what you have done and what you are going to do. As for the doctor it can't do any harm but from my experience they will point you on the direction of GA or counselling which I think you said you was going to get through gamcare. Why not check out when and where your next GA meeting and get yourself along.

If been where you are mate being in limbo is no fun just remembered you saying about doing people's heads in by taking about non gambling things like your relationship, they are all linked mate have a read of me diary it's full of it and lots of support in there so i mustn't of P****d off everyone.

KTF

Hi Danny, just popped by to say good luck for tomorrow when you get home. Fingers crossed things seem a bit brighter than you had initally thought.