I'm wondering if one of my triggers is loneliness. I'm very much single and, whilst I would like to eventually find someone and be happily married, I'm not prepared right now to go out to try to find love. I want someone to accept me for who I am, as I am, and if I don't like myself very much right now, why would/should anyone else.
I think one way I've dealt with this is via the slot machines, if I'm feeding my money into that then I'm in the zone and don't have to deal with anything else. Then I lose all my money and have no money to properly take care of myself, or to go out if I met someone. That makes it easier to tell myself that it's for the best that I'm alone.
Sadly, this has also affected my friendships - not having the money to see them, being too ashamed of how I've let myself go due to lack of money due to this stupid habit, feeling down and tired and not particularly "up" for socialising. I've ended up cutting off my opportunities to strengthen my friendships and widen my social circle. Clearly I am my own worst enemy.
Now, there are two things occupying my mind more than the urge to gamble:
1) I have nothing to show for the age that I am. Normal people my age own cars, houses, have marriages and kids, have regular holidays, have savings. I am over my overdraft every month, maxed out on credit cards and have no savings. I am NOT a catch right now.
2) If I did meet somebody, eventually I'd have to tell them "I have a gambling problem". Even if that didn't scare them off, it would wreck any potential future we may have. Once their family found out, they'd encourage them to break off the relationship - noone wants someone they care about to get involved with someone with an addicition or problem.
Even if they did stick around, they'd always be looking at me and waiting for me to slip up and relapse.
Anyway, enough wallowing. Maybe I'll never meet anyone anyway, and then this all just remains hypothetical, but I guess I've got more of a chance of meeting someone if I stay away from those stupid slots. Day 3 isn't much (especially when it's not the first time I've been at day 3) but it's something to build on.
Today was a pretty good day. I didn't get any studying done so I need to focus my a*s tomorrow. However, I did get out of the house for a walk in the fresh air - it's amazing what a few 80s/90s tunes on MagicFM can do to perk up the mood. I did a decent food shop and cooked a batch of chilli. I spoke to my parents on the phone - it's nice to be able to ring them for a chat without having to hide this from them. I watched the Strictly results show and am now watching an Elton John thing.
I need to make sure I get a decent night's sleep then I can wake up refreshed, get out for another walk and then properly hit the books. I need to get healthy routines back into my life to replace this damned addiction.
Whilst I know I won't, does everyone go through the thought process of if I can make it so many days GF (say 100) then I can have a little go. Just with a set amount, and if I win, I bank it. If I lose, I walk away after that set amount. I don't want to be the person the slots made me anymore, but it is a nice fantasy to think if I make it to a milestone number of days then I could have one last try, and walk away with my winnings.
I know that would be a mistake. I know I will need to be on my guard to ensure that that does NOT happen, especially as I'm only currently on day 5, but at least if I could do that then I would be normal, and not an addict.
Gotta keep pushing those thoughts away.
I struggle also with online slots, but I am so very tired off this chase. Time to get off that train and on to another one that's heading somewhere. I owe about 6k
Hello Veebee,
Well done for 5 days GF.
For me gambling has isolated me a lot over my 12 years or so addiction. It simple came before everything else. For my recovery i will HAVE to work on this part of my character if i wish to remain GF for the rest of my days, which i really hope i do. The fact is my social situation put me, for whatever reason into a state of "choosing" to gamble (i know it doesn't always feel like a choice at all but it is in the cold light of day). Am i happy with every part of my life and character? No, so i must improve this during my recovery to not again be drawn into the downwards spiral of gambling.
As for "rewarding" yourself with a bet. You have to understand. Once we reach the point we on here are at, we have no control. It's never "x amount" or "this much profit/loss". If we could do that after 100 days GF we could have done it before we needed that time away from gambling.
You must and you will start to get around to the idea that you MUST be finished with gambling if you want to regain control of any part of your life from here on out. The reward becomes not gambling, not rewarding yourself with it!
All the best
Thanks for your post sjwsjw - I will reply properly later. Just popping in to say 7 days GF...exam tomorrow, not feeling particularly positive about it but will try my best.
Hi Veebee,
Thank you for the post on my diary. Hope you are doing well.
I haven't yet got round to the counselling, unfortunately things have been very hectic. I am thinking that I need to do something as I think the underlying issue of my gambling is still there. A part of me is quite nervous at the thought of counselling but I think it is something I need to just man up and do.
Did you get round to doing your session?
9 days GF and exam done (but I don't think I've passed - won't find out for a couple of months though).
Had a lovely evening with a friend last night, told her about my recent relapse - she was great but was concerned that I'd not contacted her (as she'd said I could) when I was tempted. My dad had said the same thing. I'll have to mull over why I didn't...I think I know but I'm not sure that I'm ready to write it down yet.
sjwsjw - thanks again for your comment. I do know that I have to stop forever, and that is my intention. It doesn't stop me sometimes wishing things were different and writing that down here. I'd rather write it and deal with it here than ignore it and end up feeding money into the machine again. Plus writing it down gets people such as yourself echoing the comments of the good angel on my shoulder! 🙂
Adam - 9 days so doing okay so far 🙂 How about you? I'm nervous about the counselling too but I didn't try it the last times and, well, here I am again. I've not started yet, I didn't get a call from anyone on Tuesday but have contacted NetLine again and now have the number to call them myself. I may give it another day or two before calling - I don't know if it's better for them to contact me, rather than being the nag chasing it up lol.
11 days now! 😀
Well done on 11 days, keep it going
Wilsy
Thanks Wilsy, 12 days now! 😀 Still need to chase up the counselling but I'll get around to that when work is a little less crazy.
15 days GF 🙂
20 days now! 🙂
Well done on your 20 days vee!
Well done in those days vee. .
Just keep doing it one at a time x
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