Letting go of the Comfort Blanket & facing my Demons!

”“Yesterday is HISTORY, tomorrow is a MYSTERY, but today is a GIFT. That is why it is called PRESENT.” Heard this quote from Eleanor Roosevelt tonight. M we have to live in the present. You have been given the chance to discover the real you...we are all being given that chance...it may be painful, but we are going to end up better, happier, enriched people. You have made me think of the story of the Velveteen Rabbit....it is only by being battered and loved that he becomes Real. Everything will be ok.

Hi, M,

re you being there for everyone else: there's a quote from Hillel in Ethics of the Fathers, which I think are good directions for anyone living with addiction. "If I am not for myself, then who will be for me? If I am just for myself, what am I? If not now, when?"

It's the oxygen mask on a plane principle. Take care of you and your recovery first and then you will be able to prop up others - only to an appropriate extent.

BW, KOKO,

CW

Hi M,
When i hear stories such as yours my first thought is always how could you not be an addict. Having been subjected to the s hitty end of the stick that life presents some, it really doesnt surprise me that people would take the comfort addiction offers rather than living in reality.

You asked who you are without addiction. I would guess you dont have a clue, which is the scary thing when trying to let go. From the outside looking in it would appear you have never been given the opportunity to find the person you are. You have never been treated as an individual. Rather as someone whom others have defined for their own wants & desires. Others perception of you has become an act you dutifully carry out so as not to rock the boat or receive criticism.

However it doesnt have to always be so.You can begin to stand alone without others expectations of you defining what you must do or say. It will take courage, interesting word courage, it comes from the word Cur, to tell your story with your whole heart. It will take willingness & it will require honesty, brutal honesty, with yourself.

I wont lie, you will probably feel worse before you feel better. But the peace you seek will not come easily, it will be hard, emotionally terrifying & you will want to give up many times.

But what is the alternative? Live the next 30 years in the same way as the last 50?
Ripping up everything you thought you knew about yourself & starting again is a daunting prospect, but change in my experience can be enlightening. If I want things to be different in my life then it is my responsibility to change how i react & behave, no one is going to fix it for me.

There are people who will help, but again it is my responsibility to seek them out.

Go find you M. Im sure the hunt will be empowering.

Still feeling really low but reading the above post from day@atime has lifted me just a little, it's as if you can see into my mind Dan, and that's a wee bit scary but at the same time gives me hope, I know I need help, using this forum is my first step, a tiny one I know but accepting help will prove more difficult...I feel safe at the moment behind a keyboard, face to face terrifies me.

Day 9 - I am who I am, a gambling addict and just for today...I will not gamble.

M x

Rhoda - The Velveteen Rabbit, such a sweet story that I'd forgotten and how lovely of you to compare it to me x

Day 10 and feeling better today 🙂

Horrible weekend spent crying and feeling sorry for myself, guilt anger regrets and so much more....Had a stupid petty fight with my Son on the phone yesterday so that hasn't helped 🙁 ....So so silly, he's my baby my youngest...I need to get it sorted between us coz it's breaking my heart...We were both at fault but I know I probably reacted (over reacted) to the situation because of my present state of mind...Trying to make things right but hes ignoring my calls and texts...I'll give him some space and try again tonight/tomorrow.

2016 is almost over and I for one will be happy to see it disappear....So many more downs than ups and it really couldn't get any worse, my health has deteriorated drastically in a year, diagnosed in February with the same disease that killed my mother at 39 years of age, my sister at 47 years of age, and now it's my turn...Medically retired by my employer from a job that I loved, I was a Senior Healthcare Assistant in a Nursing Home for people with serious Alzheimer's/Dementia, a physically & emotionally draining job but so so rewarding, I miss it so much 🙁 I've been spat on, punched, kicked had unmentionables thrown at me , but none of that mattered, a smile, a hug a thank you from one of those lost souls made every minute worth it.

I've become isolated and withdrawn from social gatherings, I live alone and rarely venture out because of my health difficulties and I know that this is why the gambling has gone from worse to worse and worse again....

I'm at last dealing with my Demons, facing the past and trying to accept the things I can't change...

My name is Mari and im a gambling addict....Just for today I will not gamble....

M x

Hi Mari,

Hi Mari! I'm really glad you're feeling better today. And make sure you go easy on yourself. You've had a helluva year by anyone's standards. But do take a moment to 'pause' and not dwell. Don't forget to treat yourself to some peace. I find listening to my favourite music really helps. And another day gambling-free; you're doing great!

Mari, thanks for the post and good to see you on the chat. Keep it up! tri

Day 11

Still no urges...Everything else? Anger regrets worry about the debt...Yes but I'm dealing with it.

Facing the past and opening the closed doors in my mind is difficult but I have to let go of the memories regardless of how painful, past is past is past....It can't hurt me again unless I allow it to....I won't!

I've read more than I have done for many years and have a sudden thirst for any and all information relating to why & what makes us turn to gambling.

My Diary and these forums are my conscious to keep me safe from relapse.

My name is Mari and I am a gambling addict...Just for today I will not gamble!

M x

Can't sleep & I know this is one of my many triggers so staying safe by doing more late night reading.

Thing is I'm getting further down the pages and as I do the Diaries are getting shorter, same thing in the other forums too, so many people who only post a handful of times and then never seen again, some only one opening post and they're gone? Where are all these poor people, so many sad stories and asking for help but they've not returned? I'm shocked and genuinely saddened by this. I have images of thousands of lost souls sitting alone right now, eyes locked onto a screen staring at reels or wheels or whatever it may be subconsciously destroying their lives, sinking ever deeper into that deep dark hole, but I also feel a little guilty.... because tonight at least...It's not me....I'm here, I'm safe and for today I will not gamble...It is NOT my friend!

M x

Your choice to be here M! Most people that find the site are given a steer: some make it to GA (where there are often people who have been going for years & years), some will get counselling, some choose to continue the way they think will work, many return after bigger losses! We all have a choice, no-one has a gun to our heads making us gamble, we just have to be brave enough to make the right ones...Just like you are doing now! Keep choosing 'no' - ODAAT

Thank you ODAAT ...You are so right! It's all about choices...

Today...I choose NOT to gamble....Today...I choose life!

M x

Hi SC,

Thanks for stopping by on my diary, sounds like you have more of a reason than me to see the back of 2016! Hopefully 2017 will be our year.

Today i choose life, i love that saying! its so so true...

Stay strong, Mel x

Hi M

Yep, there are posters that drop off the radar very quickly. Mr L tells me the same thing happens in GA. People attend once or twice and then disappear. No-one knows why but recovery has to be blinkered and selfish to a certain extent. Concentrate on you and keep making the right choices just as you are now 🙂

Great comment, Lethe.

All you gotta do is keep strong M 🙂