Day 13 - unlucky for some? Nope ....Not me....they can send me texts & try to lure me into the pit, but I'm not biting!
I've self excluded from every site I've ever played on yet get 2 texts today from "new" slot sites....I'm annoyed but at same time pleased because I didn't even give it a thought, not one sliver of interest....Deleted immediately!
Today I choose NOT to gamble....Today I choose Life!
M x
Day 14
Had lunch with an old friend I haven't seen for ages and it felt good just to relax & enjoy some good old girly goss 🙂
We were in my local large Shopping Centre & to say it was busy would be a mad understatement...It was MANIC, thankfully all my shopping was done online & delivered so no crazy queues for me 🙂
My friend left as she had to return to her job but I decided just to sit awhile, I sat there just watching...Women with buggies loaded with bags & young children looking incredibly bored, Men with that " I haven't a clue what I'm doing " look on their faces rushing around in & out the shops buying nothing...Xmas music jingling away from the buildings sound system...Happy laughing families but also loads who looked as if they have the world's worries on their shoulders...Teenagers just "hanging" with their mates & bumping into people coz theyre face down on their smart phones.....Busy busy busy...Everyone busy...And I felt calm, no images of silly spinning Slots, no images of the credit card bills, no nothing, it was a strange feeling & I can't really explain it, sort of like my world had stopped & froze for a little while the rest of humanity carried on with life....When I looked at my phone I was shocked to realise I'd been sitting there for over an hour....
I've only been 'clean' from gambling for 14 days , that's nothing, milliseconds in the grand scheme of things but I can feel my mind opening, I'm facing bad memories & accepting they belong in the past, I can't change them but I can try and refuse to let them influence my way forward, put them to bed and move on....I'm not there yet, I won't be for awhile yet but I believe I'm absolutely going in the right direction.....
I'm choosing NOT to gamble...I'm choosing LIFE
M x
Hi M,
What a delightful post.When we look away from the poky, dark screen, we actually look up and see life in all it's wonderful glory.
How amazing not to ignore the flowers in the park but to actually stop and smell the roses!
You are doing brilliantly Mari (hope I spelt it right!). 🙂
Keep strong! 🙂 🙂 🙂
Cheers Mix....Your amazing support for both myself & our fellow groupies is hugely appreciated 🙂
Day 16
It's Christmas Day and it's felt good today, my Son and his lovely girl stayed over last night, loads of munchies, couple movies and just a wee bit of tipple 🙂 Face time this morning with my daughter & granddaughter (they live abroad). Had a huge Christmas Lunch which my Son & I cooked together and then chilled in front of TV.....A quiet Christmas compared to a lot of people but for me it was perfect..Perfect because not only was I there in body but my mind was there too, clear and free from craving that gamble high, and I haven't felt that for a long long time...The debt worries are still there, lurking at the back but if I'm not gambling, the debts will come down, slowly yeah but down they will come and that in itself helps me stay strong....
I liked me today ....Doesn't happen very often....I like the person I was today, Mum...Nanny...Big Sister...And Friend. I'm learning & understanding every single day that it's ME who has to change, ME who has the power to make choices, ME who needs to love myself as much as I love those close to me...I have to want it...I have to accept what's done is done, what's gone is gone....It won't be easy but it will be .....WORTH IT!
Just For Today...I chose not to gamble ....I chose LIFE....And it was wonderful!
The happiest of Christmas Wishes to every single person out there....Night Night x
M x
Day 17 and feeling good 🙂
Just for today.....I choose NOT to gamble...I choose LIFE.
M x
I choose life, I love this new mantra! 😉
Keep going Hun, let's see 2017 through gf! Xx
Day 18
Had my first 'urges' today 🙁 ....Did I succumb? NO 🙂
But I'm angry, angry and annoyed at myself for allowing those thoughts to tempt me, was just an itch, a little voice whispering but could so easily have sent me spiralling down again....I have to keep remembering that so I'm writing it here just to make sure I don't EVER forget.....Playing slots will give me much....Yeah...Despair Self Loathing Financial Ruin Isolation Misery Pain Loneliness Debt Depression ...These are my rewards if I gamble. Selfish Anti Social Moody Self Destructive Liar Fake...This is me when I'm gambling. Do Not Forget..............
Ive read loads of Diaries here and there was one where the poster uses a Gratitude List , I've searched but can't remember which one it was but it really struck me, I need to remember the good things in my life , the simple things we can take for granted...So everyday I'm going to remind myself here that life has much for me to be thankful for...
Today I am grateful for the strength to resist when urges niggled me.
Today I am grateful for the roof over my head, I am grateful for the food I've eaten & the warmth of my home.
Today I am grateful to Gamcare for this forum and to its Members for their sharing & support.
Everyday I am grateful for My Family, My Friends, they are only a handful of people but they mean everything to me.
I'm working on me....Day at a time.
M x
Hi Mari, well done for pushing through today...My day 18 was a turning point for me so hopefully having ridden the urges out today you will see that you are way stronger than they are!
None of us deserve the 'rewards' that gambling gives us so keep choosing life - ODAAT
P.s: It is Freda that has the wonderful gratitude lists!
I really enjoyed your post M, reminding us of what we are fighting for here...the alternative is catrostophic.
We're on the path to a happier life, and grateful for it, ready to deal with whatever life throws at us with an infinitely improved mindset, one day at a time!
WCAWW
Day 19
Today I am grateful to be GF and looking forward to a life....A life without the c**P that gambling brings.
Today I am grateful to the Delivery guy who kindly brought my food shopping into kitchen with a smile & cheery chat.
Today I am grateful I can breathe without the need to use Nebuliser.
Today I am grateful to my friend who rang 'just to say hi' a reminder that I'm not alone & people do care.
Never forget...Gambling is not my friend...It will destroy me if I allow it.....Just one spin will turn to more and inevitably send me back to that deep dark pit.
Today I choose NOT to gamble....Today I choose Life!
M x
Self analysing late at night is probably not one of my better ideas but it's definitely better than using gambling to shut down from my thoughts, and at least I won't have the self hatred & regrets (plus more debt) that the morning after brings.
I'm tired.
M x
Hi M,
Let me share you something; my sleeping is bad too; and find that last night self-analysis one of the worst things for sleep. My suggestion? When you can't sleep, play music quietly in the background (classical can send you off!). Then, at the same time and on a separate device, play some, quiet chat, like a radio show, that you can just hear. The brain switches 'modes' and escapes from the pain of self-analysis to something more relaxing and conducive.
Relax, today, M. You were GF yesterday. And you're going to be, like me, GF today.
Well here we are Diary, a few hours and I can very happily wave goodbye to 2016, it's been a truly awful year for me, my health had massively deteriorated, had to give up a job I loved, depression and much much more....as things got worse I gambled more and more trying to run and hide from life, where did that get me....Debt more debt and more debt...More depression more self pity, more self loathing....I've neglected family & friends and closed myself off from everyone & everything.....NO MORE!
Day 22 and heading into 2017 feeling positive....This will be my year, I will get my life back...I will not become complacent, I will remember the black despair of the morning after .....I'm facing my issues, I'm marching proudly forward and grabbing life......
Today I CHOOSE not to gamble.....Today I CHOOSE Life!
I truly believe that the ongoing amazing support of these forums has saved my life.
Thank you
Mari x
Hiya Mari....it is wonderful to read your positive posts....we both have lots to look forward to in 2017. I am sure it will have its fair share of pain and sorrow, but we will deal with it without. Choosing LIFE with you.
Happy New Year....hope you have a good day today. Think Deanooo has just suggested sleeping with tongue against roof of mouth, and breathing through nose...said its a natural sleep aid....the forum and chat room are really helping me too...looking forward to reaching the months mark x
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