Life begins again

Hi Suzanne
Could be HD's but I think more likely HB's ( happy boobies) lol :0)
Thanks for your post and ongoing support
, unlike my boobies!!!!!
Cheryl xxx

Ha! As long as firefighters are fit i might set all neighbourhood on fire (kidding of course, me no danger to society...just this new blue little house :-D..HD!)

Thanks for touching the base skinny jeans and good to know you got your last day at work over! Ya know, i guess i joined your path and took on part timing lol..good innit, so much time on your hands (if only used for a good purpose of course and away from danger lol...lesson learned :-/ )

Ya keep winning girl and reaping the benefits abstinence offers...you are woooorrttthhhhhh iiittttttttttt!!!

Hugs

S x

Suzanne,

I am fairly new to this site and have just started my diary 3 days gamble free. You are an absolute inspiration and your diary is extremely motivating. Thank you so much for sharing and keep up the great work.

Scott x

Morning Suzanne
I feel fixated with the idea of a new bra now and have been on a well known high street stores website and they have some gorgeous ones, so have decided next payday I will treat myself.
Don't work too hard and I trust you are settling into the new job OK.
Take care my friend
Cheryl xxx

Morning Suzanne.
339 days is just amazing and how far you have come is unbelievable.
Have a great day.
Luv Steve xxx

Good morning diary,

339 days of winning and getting my life back. still making small changes to make my life better and my recovery journey helps me to be able to do this.

Busy day today, shopping, takes ages as I get all the bargains and deals lol, but I am so used to watching every penny, I don't think

I will change now, our house is up together (clean wise) my mind is clear of gambling and I look forward to every new day because every day is different (except for my recovery) that stays the same abstaining and maintaining one day at a time so I can have a happier, healthier and saner future.

Our much needed holiday is 6 weeks away, a week in a caravan on the east coast feels like we going to the Bahamas lol, because we have not had a ho,iday for 3 years now, only days out so it will be very special, it will be a holiday on a budget but I don't care I know OH doggie and I will have a great time. There is another reason we are going we are hoping to move to that area in the next year, thank goodness we have the opportunity to downsize because if I was still gambling now, I know in my heart we would have lost our house and for what that bloody f*****g addiction, it makes me feel sick to think what life would be like now if I had not found recovery, but I did and as long as I stay in recovery, life can only get better and better for me and my family.

So that is HDs indeed.

Wishing everyone a strong positive and calm gambling free day.

Suzanne xx

Hi Suzzzzane,

Wow, great going on g free days! Way to go girl and sooo good to see ya winning every day! ☺ keep it up 🙂

Ohhhh...i see ya planning a caravan holiday! Awesome! Can't remember the saying (maybe that's good for once lol) but it's about caravans rocking lol lol..not sure about the dog! :-/ haha (sorry).
If i were you i wouldn't move closer to this coo coo, but if ya find this eastern coast peaceful, you're more than welcome to this part of the world 😀

Really proud of you dear soldier, have a lovely day and keep winning one day at a time!

S x

Hi Suzanne, will I ever be free from the torment of what I have done to myself and the lost future with my partner, no sleep just despair, fear of the future, my counsellor rang me last night (in her time) she is so supportive, but when she's gone .............. the despair returns. So angry with myself for taking that security away from myself (financial security) at work ........ not doing much ......... unshaven ................. easter arriving time with my partner ............ more lies about being happy.

Hey Suzanne thanks very much for your post on my diary always thele when we need you so thankyou.

Caravan holidays are ace always grew up with haven sites always loved it pricey now tho.

Looks like a new alternator will solve my problem a couple of hundred quid so can cope with that.

Dear diary,

When I wrote my morning clock in ( as I call it) I was sooo positive, I forget sometimes I am still on a rollercoaster ride with my recovery, even though I know each day is different and a new learning curb.

I feel so low at the moment my day so far has been all negative stuff thrown at me, and because of the self destructive damage I did, it does come back to haunt me through family.

First of all I woke up after a very bad dream about my Dad dying, he'll he passed 20 years ago this year, I got over that bad dream quickly ( but I dreamt of reliving his dying moments) woke up crying, but quickly moved on, told OH and felt ok.

My post this morning was full of being ok,and looking forward to every morning.

Went on Facebook as I do only to check family out and my granddaughter from Portsmouth put a message on that really upset me, because it is one of my little mans birthday tomorrow and she won't be seeing him, that cut deep,because I know how upset she is,

My son who lives up here in Yorkshire has 4 children with 3 different Mums and they all live apart.

It has and is hard for me to keep everyone connected, hell one son and 3 different Mums to negioated with, it's not easy believe me diary.

It has broken my heart that my sons oldest daughter is still broken hearted because of his choices.

Both my sons gamble, they know about my addiction, the one down south has 3 children with 3 different mothers, I was keeping it all together until my own addiction self destructed me, yes I am abstaining and maintaining, and changing what made my life simply S***e dear diary, but when I see my grandkids upset because of my son or (sons) it breaks my heart, I have not got the funds anymore to sort there lives out, and I know through sorting their lives out cost a lot of money, and helped my addiction to progress sadly.

8 years ago we had the money for me to go back and forth uniting everyone, until I got addicted to gambling.

Both my sons just accepted that me and my OH would just keep doing it, that I now know was a big trigger to me gambling, I can't pay for my grandkids to unite with my sons anymore, it's not there fault and I know it's not mine, it should have been both my sons in the first place.but it does not stop me from feeling helpless and hopeless at this time, Infact I feel S***e,

It's hard to deal with sons who have different mothers and what is harder is because I don't have the money anymore to be able to connect everyone ( I could have kept it up if I hadn't found the oblivion of gamb,ing) but diary I will tell you what, it was not up to me anyway, it was always down to my sons.

My brothers still have nothing to do with me since I could not go to my nieces wedding last June, but when I think about it they have not had a lot to do with me since both of our parents died. 2 live down south one in Bristol and one n Kent and the other in America, and they all 3 think I am beyond family support.

Feel really low because regret and anger feelings are there and I know to change my life I have to be selfish for me, because to continue to fund my sons (which I don't have now) will just increase there gambling.

I know my answer for me abstain and maintain, but I don't know the answer for my sons and my grandkids who,are totally missing out, I will look after my grandkids as a grandma does but I cannot fund my sons in the belief that they are doing it for there children,

This was always the equation I just made it 100% worse by gambling myself, and do you know diary I cannot remember last Easter at all, am trying yo think about it, but it's a total blank, that shows what a state I was in I want to continue to plant those seds Duncs mentioned, but for today dear diary I now feel broken-hearted for my grandchildren, life is not changing for the better for hem yet, and because of that I feel so very low, and this is all to do with f*****g gambling has it triggered me NO,NO NO oh yes the thoughts have tried to creep in, just told them even 2000 would not be enough and even a tenner would be self destructive

Suzanne xx

Dear Susan

You cant be a rescuer all your life. It is not healthy for anyone to believe it is their role in life to make everyone else happy besides themselves. Trying to do so will only lead to anger bitterness & resentments that those you try to help do not acknowledge your help in the way you may sometimes feel it warrents. People make mistakes you dont need to own theirs as well as your own. If you keep your side of the street clean & know you are doing the right thing then that is all you can do. I gave up long ago being disappointed in people, its not in my control how others behave. Sure let them know your there emotionally for them, let them know your opinion but if they choose to take neither dont take it personnally, its their choice. Dont waste time on things you have no control over. Just be the best person that its possible for you to be

Dan x

Suzanne, you didn't break them, they broke themselves! You cannot hold families together when they can't hold themselves up! All you can do is offer them unconditional love & be there for them emotionally!

It's not your gambling that is making your grandchildren miss out & they are young children, once they start gorging on chocolate, they'll be happy again! Children are much more resilient than we are, they feel sad sure but it's quickly forgotten with a phone call or a hug! My friends' kids love a postcard & they cost pennies but the price of a stamp!

You do know the answers for your boys, tough love, it's just not that easy for a mother to dish out! All the money in the world won't stop them gambling, only they can do that when they are ready!

Keep looking after you & leaning on your OH, even if that means being a stewardess & popping into the cockpit with Tea/Coffee when he is off flying to foreign lands so you can see him smile!

The best thing in our life is free, recovery! Keep gifting it to yourself - ODAAT

Morning Suzanne.
Hope you are feeling a bit better this morning because 340 days is just fantastic and you deserve all the happiness in the world.
Chin up and I'm thinking of you right now.
Luv Steve xxx

Hi Suzanne... and as always, congratulations on your gambling free time.

Your thoughts get me thinking about my mum. She once said to me.."if you gamble until you are hungry and homeless, then I will be very sad, BUT it would have been your choice".

I agree with "ODAAT"... your children are adults, they make there own choices, let them get on with it. My mum is there if I want a chat, but its my life and its down to me.

Hope your feeling ok today. Regards... S.A

Thank you so much Dan, NT, ODAAT, Steve and SA for your support and advice, it has helped a lot, I cannot change what is not mine to change so it's no good me dwelling on what I have or never will have control of.

Good Friday morning diary, and it is Good FRIDAY lol.

340 days of abstaining and maintaining and gambling is the last thing on my mind today, the thought of it repulses me in every way.

Son is coming round with 2 little mans today, have their Easter eggs ready (can't remember if I bought sny at all last year how sad is that) too busy being in the oblivion of gambling, but not this year, all eggs bought and lined up HDs.

I felt low and upset last night but I had no urges or any desire to gamble, which is definitely progress, mind you a few voddies and an early night helped lol.

Have to talk to son about his daughter when he comes round, will have to be very tacktfull, because he will be straight on the defensive, he really does not understand how upset she is about not seeing her half brothers, especially when it's birthday time.

They live 260 miles away so it's not easy, will say my peace and try not to dwell on it. The choice is his I know.

Wishing everyone a happy, strong and positive Good Friday,

Suzanne xx