Life begins again

Hi Suzanne , great post and thank you for sharing , it's amazing the comparisons we make in dealing with life's battles and none more so than yours ! . Look on this as you being your own surgeon and the forum as your hospital , recovery or remission you've got it nailed ! Congratulations on day 665 your an inspiration! Xx

Some great positives in that post congrats on the 1 year 300 days gamble free.

KTF

I wished wrote:

Good afternoon diary,

665 days of having my freedom back, he'll my life back:))

Been busy busy painting the house, hall landing, done, down stairs loo done, kitchen done, lounge next, ohh lol. As theroputic as cleaning bloody Windows lol., but if it's a means to selling our house it's sure worth it, doing the whole house in white, (as that's the latest fashion now everything white lol).

As with cleaning windows:) painting gets me thinking and I have come to the conclusion st this time(my own thoughts and experiences ofcourse ) but I want to write this on my diary.

I had cervical cancer in my 20s, I had a lot of operations (cone biopsys over a period of 10 years) they kept you in hospital for around a week in those days lol, anyway in the end they did a hysterectomy on me st the tender age of 36, was I scared or worried, he'll no, I was young I was a single mum with two strong minded sons to guide and be therefore, I did not for one minute think I might die from this cancer and ofcourse I didn't, I had the ops, treatment and controlled it, still had vault smears every five years.until 10 years ago, got the all clear :)) but I know we all have a gene inside us can be be lighted up at any time.

So this is where my time (as zi call it with cancer) reminds me of this horrible addiction, but don't get me wrong they are so different issues they could not be far enough away from each other and yet, the similarity of my personal inside battle(I guess is worse with this addiction) I don't worry about my cancer coming back but I do worry and stay on guard with this horrendous addiction ((if that makes sense) they cut the cancer out but they can't cut this addiction out, it's all down to me to keep strong, positive and want recovery more than anything else, and do you know what diary I do, jeez the sanity of recovery and facing and dealing with real life

far outweighs by 10000 % of what thst addiction ever did and can do for me, it hates that, I luv it 🙂 no I am not in control of this addiction, I am living along side with it, but I am winning every day because I make that daily simple choice NO, because I am only too aware that I can't play because I can't stop once started, and trust me I bear the deep scars inside on that one, the scars from my ops, are on the outside and can be seen. These addiction scars can't be seen, (and that is what makes this addiction so deadly)

Wishing everyone a strong, positive and calm gambling free evening.

Suzanne xx

Hi humble girl, great post! thanks for your share and support. tri

Hey girl,

Such powerful post and yet so much more determination/strength and belief shining through your soul ☺

You're doing it S, you absolutely smashing gambling beast out of this universe!!!..bye bye mr G!

You go girl & keep working at it one day at a time ☺

Proud of you!
S x

Hi Suzanne,

What an awful time you must have gone throught and what a battle that you overcame. I believe the energy into staying on guard and the awareness of this addiction can be totally as draining as doing a month's housework in a day. It can consume every thought process and still leave us baffled that a bad experience can so easily be forgotten. I remember over 25 years ago having a bad experience after drinking vodka, I've never touched the stuff since and can still feel the repulsion at the thought of ever doing so. I wish slots would have the same effect i.e. leaving me with a vile memory that will never go away. They alway's leave a vile memory as I never win but what makes me continue to go back I will never know. I totally agree that some life threatening conditions are less of a problem than this horrific addiction but it can be controlled by the strength of character and personality that stands out from yourself. Addiction must detest you Suzanne but I really wouldn't mind if that was the only thing that hated me. Keep saying no to it and every day you are a winner. Eventually, all those slots that we used to love playing will end up in a museum and we won't get any pleasure from the new stuff that's out there now. I know if I and you can abstain long enough they will be history and the new one's will be too complicated for us to fathom out. (I'm not saying we are old, it's just a quirky ray of hope that will help us move on to a better life).

Keep strong and well Suzanne and hope the decorating gets done, that's my next task over the next few weeks.

Take care and best wishes

Rosie x

Thanks folks for your messages, always very much appreciated:))

Good morning diary.

Had a conversation on the phone with eldest GD, last night( who lives in Havant Ports)

She is having big disagreements with her Mum, (my sons ex well one if his exes :(()

She spoke to me with such wisdom for someone soo young,

These. are her own words to me.

The trouble is Nanny, Mum keeps living in the past, she won't move on and as far as I am concerned, life is for living in the now, life is too short to keep grudges from the past and let them affect our choices now.

Wow what strong, deep and wise words from small shoulders, she could have knocked me down with a feather when she told me this lol, sooo very proud of her, jeez I wished I had that frame of mind at her age, (must be technology that is opening the young folks eyes,) :)))

Miss her and her sister terribly and can't wait to see them at Easter, there Mum is now dropping them off at Luton, and OH will pick them up from there,Thank goodness she has got her Mum to do something positive for my GDs.

I have a deep bond with my girls, (maybe because I had sons, have 3 brothers (no sisters or daughters in sight) apart from my Mum, who passed in 1990, I have lived in a mans world so to speak lol, and I would have loved a daughter or a sister.:))

Rambling now and work beckons :))

Wishing everyone a strong, positive and peaceful gambling free day.

Suzanne xx

What a smart little cookie. She had made me smile.

KTF

Hai Suzanne,

She's definitely got her grannies gene's. Good on her and good on you.

Did read your last post the other evening and could tell thar you've faced adversity in the past, and my guess is that its been on more than one occasion and you've come through the other side all singing and dancing with a smile on ze lips. Your a genuine good lady..

Thanks Martin and Paul:))) my GD makes more sense than me lol

Good evening diary,

My thoughts this evening.

The true gift of recovery ( my thoughts today) is not what I am going to get financially, or materially, but what I am learning and dealing with through unexpected bad news, bad sruff, bad situations, disappointment, disgust, etc, I am dealing with all the negative stuff life unexpectively throws at us, and this is simply because I found my own recovery journey of life, if I had not had the wake up call from gambling totally breaking me and my heart, ( by not being able to give it anymore, financially, mentally or emotionally) my story may be very different today.

I have to make this clear I did not choose to stop, I had reached that cliff top edge, I could go no further with this addiction except to fall or jump off the cliff,

I am still heavily in debt, my scars are still tender and deep, my life as it was, was sooo very close to be over, my OHs life and my sons and my GKs would have been immediately changed and scarred for life, for them,

And yet I did not choose to stop, I stopped because I had nothing left to give it.

But I am now choosing every day to stay stopped, yep had strong urges at work today, not to play to win, but to play for the enjoyment of playing and unwinding, how ridiculous is that, utter madness, but I have my own recovery on my side, even though this addiction tells me how much I miss the entertainment of it, and I deserve to unwind.

I can't play anymore, it's not good for my health just like I can't do scuba diving, parachuting, water skiing, anymore, I can't even do

a 3.am drink and disco session anymore, because I have seen sense, so I just have to keep thinking sense about gambling, and I will, because I not ever get burnt/crucified by something or someone more than once.

On a very positive note, am gamble free, and have a very clearheaded mind at this time:)))

Wishing everyone a positive, strong and realistic calm gambling free evening.

Suzanne xx

Hi you,

What???!!!! No disco till 3am :-0 ..you can do it for sure gal, don't be pessimistic :-P...i will show you how to party 4 days in a row at Creamfields this year ☺ (no alcohol or other substances..no stress - just feeedom! :-)))) )

Glad you navigated through urges safely, sounds like a little battle ya had to put up with! ..but clearly you're getting very good at fighting!

Well done girl & be proud!!!

Tipu tapu 😉

S x

Hi Suzanne... its not rediculous to desire to gamble simply for "enjoying" & "unwinding". That is of course how its marketed anyway, not about winning money. Alas I continue to play free slots sometimes, for those sorts of reasons. But I come to realise that its not really helping me to "unwind" and "enjoy" or be "entertained"... its simply a temporary block to escape difficult feelings or an overwhelming sense of tiredness or fatigue or simply not knowing what to do next or how to cope with whats going on at that moment in my headspace. Unfortunately for me slots are very effective at doing just that and thats why its so hard to stop...once am in the zone. Thats why I will forever have blocking software on my computer, cos it only takes a few minutes to gamble away hundreds of pounds.

I think its good to acknowledge on-going urges, especially when its been a while since last gamble. Plenty of us go for months and years gamble free only to suddenly start up again. Its a cruel addiction.

I think your doing mighty fine, you know this to be true.

Thanks for your support as always... S.A 🙂

Hi Suzanne

The most important statistic and the one we are all interested in is that YOU ARE STILL GAMBLE FREE!!

Paul

I wished wrote:

Thanks Martin and Paul:))) my GD makes more sense than me lol

Good evening diary,

My thoughts this evening.

The true gift of recovery ( my thoughts today) is not what I am going to get financially, or materially, but what I am learning and dealing with through unexpected bad news, bad sruff, bad situations, disappointment, disgust, etc, I am dealing with all the negative stuff life unexpectively throws at us, and this is simply because I found my own recovery journey of life, if I had not had the wake up call from gambling totally breaking me and my heart, ( by not being able to give it anymore, financially, mentally or emotionally) my story may be very different today.

I have to make this clear I did not choose to stop, I had reached that cliff top edge, I could go no further with this addiction except to fall or jump off the cliff,

I am still heavily in debt, my scars are still tender and deep, my life as it was, was sooo very close to be over, my OHs life and my sons and my GKs would have been immediately changed and scarred for life, for them,

And yet I did not choose to stop, I stopped because I had nothing left to give it.

But I am now choosing every day to stay stopped, yep had strong urges at work today, not to play to win, but to play for the enjoyment of playing and unwinding, how ridiculous is that, utter madness, but I have my own recovery on my side, even though this addiction tells me how much I miss the entertainment of it, and I deserve to unwind.

I can't play anymore, it's not good for my health just like I can't do scuba diving, parachuting, water skiing, anymore, I can't even do

a 3.am drink and disco session anymore, because I have seen sense, so I just have to keep thinking sense about gambling, and I will, because I not ever get burnt/crucified by something or someone more than once.

On a very positive note, am gamble free, and have a very clearheaded mind at this time:)))

Wishing everyone a positive, strong and realistic calm gambling free evening.

Suzanne xx

Hope its been a good week Suzanne? Missing your presence. Peace out.

Thanks S, SA, Paul and Tri as always very much appreciated xxx

Good afternoon diary

Have taken a break from you for a few days and from the forum, as I was starting to feel drained from it all on here if that makes sense, I guess that can be expected every so often, it was reminding me too much of my own negative past destruction with this horrendous addiction, and I just felt flat and depressed and shattered with it all, recovery even after nearly two years can still be very draining at times, and hard work to keep building more bricks, but it is the only way to keep moving forwards, yes it's ok to take time out and recharge, jeez recovery batteries get run down too, :))

As I have said a few times on here I would love to walk away from this journey, but I can't I am CG so I will never be able to walk away and forget it ever existed.

So I am just pushing through stuff at this time,,I feel depressed, constantly tired and lacking in any motivation, or wanting any company outside work, Infact I have been quite reclusey these last couple of weeks, with family and anyone, I just wanted to be on my own, to recharge,

I know why, it's partly not having sold the house yet, partly worrying about my sons with their different problems, and partly my OH who bless him has been painting along side with me for the last 2 weekends, but he has been a pain the buttocks, I will say no more dear diary. about OH, we have spent the last 2 weekends (including Mother's Day) up to our necks in painting, and everything else that needs preparing and cleaning and sorting afterwards, so all the downstairs is done the hall and landing and our bedroom all in white, and this has been in between viewers for the house viewing, they all want a brand new house, so I had a strong conversation with the estate agents, about the people they are sending round, in other words the wrong type if viewer, we have also dropped the add get price, my patience sadly has run out now, Grr Grr lol and I must not forget about this bloody addiction, wanting me to fall into its arms while I have been feeling (simply S***e) I just told it to get stuffed as I wanted to be alone, and I did not want any more damage inflicted on me by giving it a cuddle back, (more like my soul back) ha ha.

Thank you Junnieee for helping me understand that it's ok to not think we are fully in recovery, but by jeez it's brill to know we are gamble free,because of my mood swings these last couple of weeks, I was wondering if I was recovering at all. But I have not gone backwards not one single penny spent on any form of gambling (thank you Shelly for giving me that saying) I will ride threes low thoughts and depressive moods and I will get my energy back and I will survive (not sure about OH the way his moods and temperament are going lol) he has been simply awful.

But hey diary, I know why I have been feeling low, and I have not responded to this addiction, so I guess even when feeling introvert I am still holding on tight to my rollercoaster ride, and still looking forwards, yep my recovery journey is still going forwards even with the ups and downs of my head lol, so I will take that as a big fat positive, and heed Ades words recovery is possible, as long as we know it is a continuing work in progress.

Wishing everyone a strong, battle free with the head gambling free safe evening.

Suzanne xx

Yo Suzanne.... is back Hellooo.

I had a good line posted on my diary a while back..... ' recovery doesn't have to be linear or make sense as long as we keep going '. And you Suzanne keeps on going just like the bunny with the ever lasting battery.... forgot his name, does that make sense☺ probably not.

I think your coming into the right time in selling your house. It can be a real bietch but there's someone out there who'll be biting your hand off soon. Good on you for painting your place, now that deserves a high five as it's something I failed miserably on and now going to pay a friend to finish it. Hai Ho. ..