Life begins again

Good morning diary

Day 16 the longest I have gone in the last 7 years without playing this site has helped me a lot When I feel the need to be online I keep coming on here and reading.

I don't know how I have got through the last 16 days with hardly any money but I have and it's payday on Friday. Big big test then money in bank

I will pay all my bills put some money back into OHs account and what I have left I will withdraw and use to live on so money in bank I think that will help me instead of losing it online and then payday scenic

That is my goal to get through one months pay without wasting a penny online I would be chuffed with myself then

Must do this for my own sanity never mind OHs

I know it won't be easy but taking one day at a time

Lovely sunny morning here short day at work and pay day soon must stay strong and think of last loss

Good luck to every one on here today we all have different gambling addictions but we are all similar in the outcome of gambling and I have connected somewhere with each story on here I feel I have been doing this on here for along time not a few days even when I was just reading and not writing on here

Have a happy gambling free day today and think what we are all saving not losing

Suzannexx

Morning diary

Day 17

Taking one day at a time pay day tomorrow must keep. Strong

Day off today as working all weekend again will keep busy and get in the garden have managed to get through the last month with hardly any money I do not want to repeat that next month.

Have a happy gambling free day everyone

Suzannexx

Good morning diary

Day 18 soon be three weeks

I have just been checking my online banking for the last 2 hours watching my hard earned money slipping out of my account to pay paydayloans which funded my addiction.

Am now going up to the cSh point to takeout what is left for the month after direct debits and putting some in OHs account

What a sickening wake up call for me I must learn by this awful nightmare I got myself into

One day at a time and no gambling for me today

Have a great gambling free day all

And keep strong

Suzanne xx

Hi diary

I have just took my remaining wages out of the bank so I a not tempted by the little nag in my head and I know I will not gamble today using the triangle have taken money out of the equation.

Pleased That I could put some money into partners account owe him loads but at the moment a little at a time better to go to him than slots.

That makes me feel a bit better the days are long even though the weeks are going by quickly it's like I am in another world at the moment strange and I feel I have lost something within me but I know this will get better I just have to followitthrough and keep strong

There are a lot of strong determined folks on here which helps me keep on the right road to recovery from gambling

Am very quiet round family at the moment good job most of them don't live near but I don't wAnt to communicate at the moment I feel too ashamed with myself.

I know this will pass I have to be patient with myself my partner is being quietly supportive it's not fair I am making him go through this too.

Working late shift today I wont be tempted tonight

Keep strong all

Suzanne xx

Hi Suzanne,

I totally understand the feelings you are having gambling has been such a huge part of not only your life but who you have been as a person and to lose that leaves a massive void almost an emptiness as you said with this time this will weaken and you will be able to fill that with things that give you pleasure instead of that knotted sickening feeling.

Glad your doing well and staying strong

Jess x

Good morning diary

Day 19

Survived payday without betting not easy but keeping strong keeping thoughts to the back

Keep strong everyone and have a good gambling free day

Suzanne xx

Evening Diary

Came home from work an hour ago and OH has let rip

Wants me to move out tonight reality has set in with him the mess I have got us in .

I thought he was too quiet over the last 2 weeks

I don't blame him one bit He has never been in debt and I have turned his world upside down he won't be able to cope with it so gambling has now ruined my 14 year relationship I don't think I can mend this I have let him down 5 times now

I just feel numb at the moment and will take one day at a time It's not just the money and time you lose it's your life with someone that trusted you 5 times

I have lost his trust with me andI do not blame him at all

Its the lies in the end that ruin a relationship another lesson I must learn through being a CG

Day 19 means nothing to me at the moment

Hope to be more positive with myself soon

Suzanne xx

Morning diary

Day 20

Don't know what my outcome is at the moment with OH have to go To work today but I honestly do not know at this moment if I am still in a relationship

And this is all because of my gambling and it is all my fault

One thing I do know today is I will not be gambling today

Hope everyone has a peaceful and happy free gambling day

Suzanne xx

Dear diary

Day 21 and 3 weeks free from gambling

Am feeling quite positive this morning or maybe I should say more determined to never play again losing more money and time.

My partner had calmed down yesterday morning and we are back on track but relationship is on a very thin line that I must never cross again I will have to earn his trust in me which I am determined to do.

I can honestly say playing online bingo and slots is not even on my mind at the moment and it makes me feel good to know it's not controlling me at this time.

It takes such a big weight off me because I am not stressing about playing and chasing. Losses.

And thinking about playing at every chance.

I know my thoughts could change anytime but I am determined have gone through so much these last few weeks I am not going through that again.

I think once you realise with great despair you are not going toget your money back and you have to wipe the board and start again with what is now with your life that is a big step to stop. But I think you have to accept that first and face the circumstances.

Not easy but once accepted the journey of a better life will begin

Mondays are my worst day for playing not even on my mind to play today so that is a good start for my long road to recovery.

I sincerely wish all the people on here all the strength to beat this and I find that

TIME LOCATION MONEY helps because if you take one away it's impossible to gamble

We can't win because we can't stop and we can't play because we will through it all away.

I am moving forward

Have a happy gambling free day and remember it's our choice to be gamble free

Suzanne. Xx

Good morning diary

Day 22 feels good to have kept clean this long early start this morning after working late last night so only 4 hours sleep but I have woken up with a clear head as far as gambling goes

Will post later

Happy free gambling day all

Suzanne xx

Good morning diary

Day 23 and I have day off

I don't know why I am getting strong urges since I woke up but I am pushing them away need to be strong today I am thinking just put a tenner on but I know it won't stop there and I need that tenner so It will be a battle of my conscience this morning I think I will keep coming on here reading takes the edge off it does help me

Keep strong everyone and Have a happy free gambling day I will be taking an hour at a time today I think

Can't play today because I won't stop

Suzanne x

Hi Suzanne

Many thanks for posting on my diary, it made me feel better about things. Sounds like you are having similar thoughts to me today - but as you say - it will pass. One day at a time. Enjoy your day off and I hope the sun is shining where you are. Take care.

Hi suzanne, sounds like you have had one hell of a week, your emotions must be everywhere,

Today is a tough day for you, im sorry to hear that as you said these feelings will pass but doesnt help knowing that in the moment when they take hold. i reread your posts from last week and i think you need to keep your relationship i the forefront of your mind today, last week the thought of losing your partner because of gambling gave you the determination you needed to get through a few days, draw on that again do whatever you need to to stay focused today. And great idea to stay on the forum.

Hope you have an enjoyable day lovely and stay strong.

Jess x

Hi Suzanne,

And I like the fighting spirit in you. Urges comes and goes, they are only thoughts and you don't have to act on them. Ride the storm and I can assure you, you will come out the other end. Keep making the right choice and enjoy your day off!

Stay safe

S x

Hey again

This journey has ups and downs Suzanne, it is exactly the same as in life without addiction, but since we have compulsive personalities we tend to look for a quick escape route...easy way out. As you well know yourself we just dig the hole for ourselves..and it all comes crashing down..merry go round..

..no no no girl, time to stand up and look beast in the eye. Simply we are stronger than this habit, we can do anything we want with our lives and feel better with ourselves.

I thank you for your kind words, it was hell of a ride, but I'm ready to go through it all again, because step by step I'm setting myself free. Patience and honesty is a key and as soon as you put your mind to it, the wheels start turning.

I had a slip in this time, one 2 min madness moment where addiction pounced on me and took over. It wasn't expensive. ..one spin worth of blip, but it affected me emotionally and I never ever want to feel the same again.

Suzanne, you started your journey and you are doing great. I suppose the purpose of this ramble is that you are in a driving seat, you have a choice to make each day. You deserve peace and happiness, so just ride the storm on a bad days and enjoy the good ones. We are only human, we make mistakes..but at the same time we learn from them too.

Progress not perfection! ! 🙂

All the best and keep up the good work

Day at a time

Sandra x