Living with my biggest mistake

Checking in 126 days GF.

Issue came up at work when someone suggested going to horse racing for day as a team day out. Idea to have a meal, few drinks and a bit of a flutter on the horses. A year ago this would have put me in all sorts of worries about how to get out of it and what people might think. Today I am completely fine with it - anyone asks I will tell them I don't gamble so a bit of a waste of time for me and if they push the issue and say why don't I come and not gamble, then I will tell them I just find the whole gambling scene a bit distasteful given what it can do to people and the immoral companies involved.

I sometimes worry that I am not moving forward with my recovery, just masking the problem with online blocks, until something like this comes along and I realise I am in quite a different place to a year ago.

Have a great weekend everyone.

Day 132 GF.

No urges or thoughts of gambling but still come on here to read a few threads and update this diary because I am well aware complacency is probably my biggest risk.

Over on another thread about what constitutes gambling free days which turned into a discussion on lottery/sweepstakes/raffles etc Tomso wrote a really interesting comment

a man without a bet for 20 years who still can’t trust himself to carry money isn’t in recovery. He hasn’t changed his mind he’s just not placed a bet in a long time. All of his character traits/defects remain the same.

Been thinking about this a lot because I know I am probably in this place. Obviously I am nowhere near the 20 years but by removing my access to online gambling I am effectively doing the same as someone not carrying cash on them because they can't trust themself. It is just a bandage over the problem rather than fixing the underlying issue.

Standard advice seems to be to cut off the ability to gamble through self exclusion and/or cutting off the source of funding and then seek help via counselling/GA to deal with the underlying gambling complusion/addiction. Starting to realise that for me the first part is actually comparatively easy compared to second part - I have just cut off my ability to gamble online so am actually not demonstrating any self control. It is similar to someone who wants to lose weight and currently eats too much who gets stranded on a desert island without any food - no one is going to congratulate them for losing weight. Would they just start over eating again once they got off the island? Probably. Food for thought. No pun intended.

Muststop123

Yo, ummmmm interesting thoughts . I can see what Tomso is saying but think the big thing here is 20 years , and if the guy has not bet for 20 years and stayed clean maybe he needed that level of protection . I believe we firstly have to admit that the addiction has got us beat and that we are powerless . Then put things / blocks in place . I was in recovery for 5 years believed I was cured took back control of my finances and bang fell off the wagon. This time I am 3/4 years in recovery and still have my bother monitoring my bank account and have no intention of that changing in my lifetime . For me that keeps me as safe as I can be , am I in recovery ??? Interesting discussion ..... Have a good gf day ........Shiny 🙂

Must,

First of all, well done on reaching 132 days GF. That is a tremendous achievement and you should be very proud of yourself.

Regarding the comment I made a few days ago about the 20 year guy. It seems that I am judging or being critical but that was not my intention. When I first went to G.A. a very wise and experienced man told me the story about the 20 year guy who was in our group. The wise man, who took me under his wing and became somthing of my mentor taught me a lot, spent a great deal of time on me, phoned me several times per week etc. Anyway, after about 3 months of going to G.A. he took me aside and asked what I wanted from this. I said that I wanted to stop gambling. It was then that he made the example of the 20 year guy.

This is how he put it to me.

Said geezer walked into GA 20 years ago a very angry and emotional guy, he could be very argumentive, he would shout over people, he could be agressive, he blamed everyone else for his mistakes. He had absolutley no patience with himself or others and he was generally a not very nice man.

Wise man/mentor told me to watch and listen when he used to come to a meeting.

I saw and heard a man with 20 years off a bet who was still very angry and emotional. He still shouted over others and could become agressive. He still blamed all of his life's problems on everyone else and not himself and he was still a brutely impatient man especially with new comers who he believed either weren't following his advice to the letter of the law or weren't listenting to him as much as he thought they should be. He definitely wasn't a very nice man.

Wise man/mentor said to me after a meeting "Do you want to be like him". I said "no". Wise man said you are not just here to learn how to stay off a bet - your are here to recover, to remove bad character defects, to become a better person, a better husband, a better father, a better friend. He told me that we could all learn how to do this. We could all learn to become more selfless, less selfish, more caring, put others first, be kinder to loved ones, be kinder to strangers, learn to listen more rather than talk over people and believe that we always know best. I could go on and on.

I am nobody to judge anyone with 20 years off a bet. I have perhaps made a bad example because no-one gets to meet the guy that I am describing. He was a truly awful man who thought he was great because he hadn't gambled in 20 years. When he went out to a pub with his wife he made her go to the bar all night while he sat at a table because "he couldn't be trusted to carry money". Poor wife.

What you are doing is fabulous. At the early stages of abstinence it is so important to blocks in place and to not carry cash or have access to cash. I did all of these things at the beginning and they worked well for me too. I've been at it for a few years now and I don't use many of these tools now. If I gamble today it won't be because I've got money in my pocket.

Take care.

Tomso.

ALN,

I agree. A desert island for a few weeks would do me the world of good. Only, I can be very resourceful when it comes to food. No doubt I would find a way of harpooning whales morning, noon and night. Big bonfire, whale supper. Yummy.

Tomso.

Hi Muststop123 - maybe we shouldn't count days, but I'm glad you're back on the horse clocking up some serious numbers again. I always feel I'm clip-clopping clumsily behind you, but it feels good trying to keep pace with you again.

I agree with what you say. There are two parts to this addiction - access to gambling and the desire to gamble. But I'm not overly fussed about the second at the moment as long as no. 1 is firmly blocked. I'm full of all sorts of desires but I don't think I've had any as destructive as gambling, so I'm happy for Gamstop and Sense to do my hard work for me. I can live with any piddly urges to gamble that might come my way. I know my limits, and I know I won't try to seek out some seedy SENSE-free gambling den to quench my desire. This is probably a very simplified way to approach the addiction, but by cutting off the source, it removes 95% of the problem, which is job done (clearly, I've just made up that last stat to suit my opinion!)

I know this point is going to sound a bit muffled and generalised, but I think there's a tendency these days to over analyse everything. Not that analysis is a bad thing, but analysis demands putting a lot of energy into something that could otherwise be quite simple. If we can't gamble because of blocks, then it doesn't matter so much that we have an addiction. Like your desert island weight-watcher guy (or gal), as long as we keep on the island, we can almost effortlessly maintain a healthy BMI.

This point is veering a bit off point, but I do find it difficult to completely cut out drink from my life. Not that it's a big problem but the 'healthy' me thinks I maybe should call it a day and enjoy a cup of tea before bedtime. There is the fear of worrying about liver damage or having to half half my head removed because of some horrible cancer, but if I could take a tablet that would make me stop drinking for a year or five years at a time, I'd seriously think about taking it. I remember having an infected tooth and the antibiotics prevented me from drinking. I tried to drink but because it made me feel so horribly nauseous, I stopped trying. It didn't matter that I really wanted a drink, I knew I couldn't so that internal dialogue quickly ended. That's how it is for my gambling blocks - I know I would like to gamble, but as long as I can't, I'm good with that. No pat on the back for me, but as far as controlling the damage, it's a perfect solution.

139 days GF.

Thanks for the comments all and to Tomso for expanding on the example of the 20 year guy. Certainly understand the point better now. Not sure I really fancy a BBQ at your place though - whale meat sounds a bit fatty!

I know my very worst behaviour (lying, secrecy, selfishness) was directly related to gambling but I don't recognise this behaviour continuing once I stop gambling.

Equinox - I agree maybe we do over analyse things a bit. At the moment I have no desire to gamble and am unable to gamble in any case. Don't feel I am struggling or fighting to achieve something at the moment.

Life generally good at the moment. Off for some winter sun in a week's time with my wife then son comes back from university for Easter soon after that so plenty to look forward to.

As ever must fight against becoming complacent.

Muststop123

Day 146 GF.

No urges to gamble which is great.

Come on here most days to read a few posts and make the odd comment. This is part of my concern around my becoming complacent and risking another relapse despite not really believing I could gamble even if I wanted to.

I think it is a natural tendency to look for parts of other people’s threads that are similar to our experiences and situations. I currently notice more the threads of others who have relapsed after reasonable periods of time – 6,9, 12 months or more. What occurs to me in many of them is how short term so many of us look at this problem. Seems we put blocks in place like self-exclusion but only for 6 months or a year and then act surprised when we start gambling again once these blocks are no longer in place.

I am in no position to judge anyone so can only apply this to my own position but does help reinforce, for me, that I really must view this a forever thing. There is never going to be a time when I can have the odd small value play online safely.

Off on holiday with my wife next week to get away from this bleak and wet weather. Believe there is a casino in the hotel but this holds no worries for me. Obviously will not be using it but live casinos have never been a problem for me. The sight of the roulette tables is a bit distasteful but sure I can be in the hotel without having to walk past them.

Oh, and I got told off by Gamcare for mentioning sums of money in one of my other posts as it may cause distress to others. Going to try and review every post before I send it now to look for any £ signs. Sorry.

Muststop123

Checking in day 159 GF.

Holiday with casino in hotel was no problem. Never needed to go near it to get anywhere else in hotel.

Slightly worryingly I’ve realised that whilst the sight of and thought of playing a roulette table still feels me with sickening dread, the thought of that horrible little ball spinning round and round only to drop over into the “wrong” number at the very last moment, I don’t feel quite so repulsed by the thought of slots. Had the same experiences with both of getting to the early hours of the morning, having lost a load of money, laying in bed with an absolute horror of what I had done so I do not quite understand why one is less repulsive to me.

Quite busy at the moment both with work and fun stuff so I am not surprised that I have no thoughts or urges to gamble. I never have any thoughts of gambling when things are going well.

Need to keep the guard up against getting complacent.

Muststop123

Checking in day 165 GF.

No urges or thoughts of gambling.

Life generally very good at the moment. Relationship with wife is strong, son back from university and plenty of good stuff going on at the moment. Away in Europe next weekend with friends, fortunately Brexit postponed else I would have been traveling through 2 European countries the day after Brexit so I may never have returned!

I could throw all this away for the fun of watching some computer graphics spin round which is why I continue to read and post on here. I have been here before and slipped - never again. Can't let complacency win.

Muststop123

Checking in day 173 GF. Working my way towards the 6 months point - determine to not get complacent.

Life is good but bit angry this morning.

After the issue with a couple of bookies trying to circumvent the £2 FOBT law and a couple of comments on here about online UK sites still not being registered I did a bit of googling. Both the Gambling Commision and Gamstop sites are way out of date - both still talking about Gamstop being developed. Also if the posts are to be believed on another site I looked at, the date for UK companies to register had to be put back to 31 March 2019 due to "technical difficulties". If this is true I have never seen this mentioned and neither the Gamstop or GC site say this.

Really feels like a David and Goliath battle with hugely powerful and well funded gambling industry just riding rough shod over the GC and other parties like Gamstop. Just should make us all realise we need to take control ourselves as much as possible as this really is an unequal battle.

Hi muststop,

I have followed your story for a while glad to see you are going strong hoping to make it to more than just one day.

Day 186 GF.

Past the 6 month stage and I continue plodding on back to the 300 odd days i previously managed to stay GF before I relapsed which I see as a bit of a target. Blocks remain in place so do not see how I could gamble and I have no urges to gamble anyway. Of course I have been here before and said very similar things so at the moment these are just words. My future actions are what matter.

Life is generally good at the moment. Had a few trips away recently and son back for Easter break so I am getting to go out and do a few things with him and got a few family get togethers planned over Easter. These are the easy times, gambling just does not get a look in when everything is happy and easy. 

As ever I need to remind myself to stop becoming complacent. 

Muststop123

Checking in day 193 GF.

Had a good Easter with family and no thoughts or urges to gamble.

Took son back to University yesterday after his Easter break. Minor things like this have in the past allowed my mind to think about gambling as a way to liven things up a bit. I knew this was a potential danger point but happy to say that I had no thoughts of gambling as a result. 

Slightly annoyed this morning listening to the radio. John Virgo was on talking about his snooker commentary career and there a brief mention about him having a gambling problem in the past when he realised he was gambling/losing too much. The next section of the programme was "Racing Tips" for the day and the presenter obviously though they were really funny when they laughingly introduced them by say "Of course, when the fun stops, stop, but here are the racing tips". Yes, great joke.

Muststop123

I turn the radio off now, it’s littered with gambling ads etc all day every day, sick of it,