Living with my biggest mistake

Hi Equinox

Really good to hear from you. I miss our more regular catch ups.

I am not deliberately taking a break from the forum, just still feel difficult writing anything that could be misconstrued as advice.

Struggling a bit at the moment with the “what if” thoughts. Twice during my recent relapse I ended up at a situation where I was up quite a significant amount, a lot more than I lost during my original episode of problem gambling over a year ago. Of course I did not stop and despite the usual promises of stopping when I got down to such and such a balance I never did until I had lost it all, just hitting the spin button like a zombie.

I have not wrecked myself financially but have made things a lot tighter than they need to be and even several weeks later I still find myself beating myself up mentally when I think how things could have been if I had made a different decision but I guess that is the whole point of it being an addiction – you don’t act like a rational person.

I can rationalise this and tell myself it is gone and just get over it but that does not stop the little voice keep coming back to me, calling me an idiot and worse every time I remind myself where I could have been. A lot a fairly emotionally distressed moments when on my own and then trying to turn a switch, paint on a smile and pretend everything is fine when with others.

Away this last weekend with friends and then going away with wife next weekend and I honestly do not think anyone would believe the thoughts going through my head as I try and act like everything is fine.

I really do just need to let it go and accept it as a mistake that is in past that I cannot change. I have gone through this and out the other side before so just need to suck it up and get through it.

Hope everything is going well for you both in controlling the gambling urges and life in general.

Muststop123

Hi Muststop123 - I miss our catch ups too. They grounded me from the frequent urges of gambling, always helping to knock sense back into my head.

In your diary you mentioned that you were up a significant amount on 2 occasions but carried on gambling ... that really does sum up how we gamble and how that first 'final' figure we set ourselves at the start is never quite enough, until it's lost then it suddenly becomes everything again. I think that's what ends up stinging so much because it's rare to have a straight loss, there's always a moment where it would have been wise to quit - so we're left with a whole bunch of 'if only if onlys' as we kick ourselves for being greedy.

These past few months I've been trying to work out something that I'm sure is obvious - but I can't work out why gambling losses accumulate so quickly and to such a lage amount. We have to trust the maths, and the maths say we should only lose around 3% due to the house edge, £30 for every £1000 gambled. I'm guessing it's all down to our gambling behaviour and placing larger and larger bets until three or four spins on the table results in a total loss. Even if we win, we stick at it until the bad luck arrives.

This whole gambling business still shocks me. I know that money always loses it's value when I'm gambling, it's only afterwards that I begin to comprehend just how much I've lost. I ordered a stack of board backed envelopes yesterday for £70 yesterday and I grumbled and grumbled to myself for about an hour how pricey they were. Doing a bit of Scrooge. I was even going to wait for Black Friday in the hope of catching 10% discount of £7! But that amount of cash would be like a few old half pence coins in a gambling scenario.

It was good to hear from you again - and have a brilliant weekend away with your wife.

I'll look forward to my envelopes arriving today.

Take care

Equinox

62 days GF since the end of my relapse, so a couple of months.

I understand the focus on number of days, particularly early on, and the one day at a time mantra when the urges to gamble are strong but I can honestly say I have no desire to gamble so not gambling today or this week or before Christmas is not something I can set as a target. I need this to be a never thing - I just cannot deal with the secrecy, lying and pure waste of time that gambling causes - the combination of staying up until the early hours, lunchtimes and sneaking off from work must have quite easily seen me waste 30+ hours a week sitting pressing a button and watching some some computer graphics spin round.

Problem is I am sure I wrote very similar things previously so can't really rely on that belief that I do not want to gamble ever again. I know if I gamble again it will spiral out of control again, I am a complusive gambler with all the issues around chasing losses and never stopping regardless of how much I win until I run out of available money - my behaviour becomes completely irrational.

So blocks are in place. Gamstop signed upto for 5 years (the previous method of getting around that is now blocked) and paypal account gone so no access to "secret" money. Not really sure how I could gamble but we all know how ingenius gamblers can be when they want their fix.

However this is not something I think about or worry about on a daily basis anymore. I still cringe at the mention of gambling on tv/radio and I am beginning to become a bit more outspoken when anyone mentions gambling - my anti-gambling views are not something I hide or omit to tell people.

Not telling my wife about my relapse is not something I am proud of and makes me realise that the real damage gambling has done to me has not been to my bank balance but to my integrity and honesty. I don't suppose many of us go through life without a few regrets and I guess this is one for me to deal with. I don't regret the decision not to tell her as I see it as the least worst option, I regret the gambling and the subsequent secrecy.

Life is generally good with plenty of things to experience and look forward to. I need to move on from this period of my life and enjoy the many benefits a gamble free life has to offer.

Good luck to everyone.

Bit of a wobble yesterday but did not gamble.

The start of January blues and going back to work led my mind to start asking dangerous questions. So how long did I actually sign up to Gamstop for? Was it six months or 5 years? Which online casinos are signed up to it or perhaps more honestly which aren’t? So if I left work early I would have an hour “spare” before I was expected to get home?

So I tried to log onto Gamstop site to check how long I had signed up for (pretty sure it was 5 years) but it did not recognise my email address when I asked for a code to reset my password which I had forgotten. So I start wondering if I had actually successfully signed up to Gamstop or whether I had missed some last step or verification or something. So I think the best way to check would be to try and sign up to a new online site, just to check, I tell myself. Fortunately, it worked and I could not open an account so the Gamstop block must be working. The obvious question is what I would have done if I had been able to open an account? Hopefully sense would have kicked in as without a paypal account there is no way I can gamble secretly. I also came on here and read a few posts – always a sobering reminder of what happens when we gamble. I guess I could just read the few couple of pages of this thread but I struggle with that.

I will get in contact with Gamstop to sort out access to my account so I can check the time period but that is not really the point.

Few people have a life where everything is perfect or exciting the whole time and I need to be able to deal with the “troughs” a bit better rather than immediately thinking that gambling would be a good way to liven up my day. Too easy in the long winter evenings to just come in from work, eat a meal and then sit down for a couple of hours watching pointless television.

Immediately after my first episode of problem gambling I found going out for a good hour of fast walking helped clear my mind so I am going to program that in for three weekday evenings before I sit down to eat. I also used to go to a club most weeks for one of my hobbies which I have let slip over the last few months. I am going start doing that again as I always enjoy it once I get there but too easy to say I am too tired or busy. I think there is a lot of truth in the idea of the devil finding work for idle hands.

I don’t believe the poison of gambling ever leaves us once we let it in. Far too easy to get complacent and think because we have reached 50 or 100 or 500 GF days that we are not necessarily cured in terms of ever being able to gamble responsibly but safe from the urges and able to control them.

Good luck everyone

Muststop123

Spending a lot more time thinking about gambling over the last few days than I have in while and not in a good way.

To be honest (no point being anything else on here) I may have gambled over the last couple of days given the opportunity. Not sure whether I would have pulled at the last moment when I remembered all I had to lose but the thought of those endorphins kicking in was pretty attractive. Pathetic really when they are caused simply by a few spinning computer graphics.

Blocks are doing their job – can’t get online due to Gamstop and have no unmonitored access to any significant sums of cash. No interest in sports betting or bingo or scratch cards and never been tempted inside a high street bookies – fortunately the potential embarrassment of being seen acting so recklessly in front of others is enough of a deterrent to keep me out of those.

I have started to see my recovery from gambling as two main parts.

First I have the blocks to me gambling which are like a bandage over the infection of gambling. These are pretty strong. My only problem relates to online stuff and I can’t access that.

Secondly I have the actual compulsive gambling behaviour which I see as the infection. I keep this at bay with the blocks/bandage but it does not appear to be healing. However many times I tell myself I do not want to gamble ever again, it seems deep down the poison remains and will occasionally come to the surface.

I know the triggers (boredom, spare time, lack of a “project”) so need to remain on guard and make sure I never let the blocks weaken.

Out for meal with family tonight as son goes back to Uni tomorrow. Will miss him a lot as just got used to having him around again over Christmas break so need to recognise that these are exactly the sort of things that combined with other factors might lead to moments of weakness and potentially reckless actions. One part of my mind tells me to "man up" when I start thinking like this. The other side tries to argue that I can't control how I feel about something but I can control how I deal with those feelings.

Good luck all, I think it is going to feel like a long January.

I quoted the above post as the statement about grabbing people by their jackets away from the machines and the description you have made me laugh out loud. Not because it was funny, but because at some point that has been everyone of us whether it is sitting at the service station, in a bookies or on a tablet tucked away in secret. When you stopped its amazing how it looks standing on the other side. Along with that then the thought of the secret pain and torment those people are feeling at any time soon when the cash runs out, which it will eventually.

I will now continue reading your journey as I really find it interesting and enjoy your wit and sarcasm even if at times I shouldn't but it is a reality check and I don't laugh then I might cry.

Muststop123 wrote:

So day 37 GF and had a good day as gone away for weekend with wife.

Counselling last night and fundamentally it seems i somehow need to forgive myself which at the moment is not something I can do. It does not matter what my counsellor says or how often my wife says she forgives me, deep down I can't forgive myself for what i have done so I can't move on and carry on getting upset with myself. Logic does not enter into it because I know I can't keep beating myself up about what I did but I do. At least I know what my problem is and can try and work on a solution to that.

Stopped at a motorway services today for quick snack and in the middle of the food court next to the m&s and Costa coffee was a full branch of one of the high street bookies complete with a set of FOBTs. Not even a proper front to it so the whole shop was open to everyone. Selection of fairly dejected looking people in there. No one seemed to be having fun, let alone responsible fun. I just wanted to rush in, grab the people by their coats and drag them out and tell them to stop wasting their lives but guess none of them would have thanked me, most probably got punched at a minimum. Made me shiver just seeing it and going into a physical bookies was never even my thing.

Please stay gamble free my friends, every one of you.

Hi Must stop

I have been reading through diaries and decided to read yours. I reckon I am about a third way through and just wanted to let you know how reading it and the emotions you have gone through is recalling helping.

Hi Anon

I know none of this is funny for any of us but agree sometimes we just need to laugh at the horror of the situations we find ourselves in. As you say, the other option is to cry and I know what I prefer to do. Dark humor indeed.

Muststop123

So I haven't gambled but I have spent time looking at how I could get around my blocks which is obviously not good.

Blocks are solid. Gamstop and no access to unmonitored cash is a good combination.

I understand the urges. I am far away enough from my relapse for the pain and despair to have dulled and now my mind tempts me with reminders of the few good bits of gambling - the odd win amongst all the losses that is irrelevent anyway as I would just plough any winnings back in until they were lost. Add to this a dull time of the year and it is a bit of a perfect storm.

I know what to do and that is to get active and fill my time with more interesting and productive activities but motivation is weak.

After posting a plan to get active last week I did little. Took son back to Uni on Saturday and then wasted Sunday away trying to book a winter sun holiday (which never got booked due to various reasons) and watching rubbish on television. Went to bed annoyed with myself for wasting another day and ended up googling various attempts to get around blocks which fortunately was unsuccessful. Monday was not better, went to work and then just came home and watched more pointless television. Biggest achievement of the day was getting a hair cut on way home.

So it is all within my hands. Need to get motivated and get going this January. Not sure how I could gamble but possibly do something else equally reckless instead.

Hi Muststop123

I know this is a bit rich coming from me, but I do worry for you. I totally get what you're saying and maybe because this is because I feel we share a lot of parallel situations - and crazy as it is, I now find myself dealing with the vague, threatinging thought of 'okay you think you've got gambling cracked, but believe me it's only a matter of time before you discover some other destructive thing that'll make you pray you'd just kept to gambling' . But I see this kind of thought as the result of the fear we now have, knowing we're capable of becoming easily addicted to something that is so obviously destructive. But the thought is an empty threat, idle at best. It's just as real as it's unreal.

Part of the struggle for me is that gambling was such a brilliant rush, and that kind of rush seems hard to beat with a good book or a bit of tv or a jaunty walk. Gambling was an easy fix that ticked so many boxes. But I need to remember that real joy comes from a deep sense of focus on something. That was always the case for me before I discovered gambling. I'd find great enjoyment from deeply engaging in something, and that something, whatever it was, changed from time to time. It was more about the focus rather than the activity itself. It was drawing, it was reading a bit of Shakespeare, it was running, it was music, it was people, it was card tricks and magic ...

I think gambling polluted the way I get my 'kicks'. Previously, my kicks took a bit of effort to achieve a high. But roulette and blackjack gave me some of my best highs by just sitting on my backside, pushing chips with my fingers.

I'm only a few days gamble free so this might be me posting all freshly aglow with proud restraint, but I do believe that if we find something - anything - to deeply engage with, this gambling issue will soon fade and life will become what it was before we discovered dumbass roulette.

Like you say, it's all in your hands - and there's so much good stuff we could focus on in this world other than gambling it should be a no brainer. Imagine that deathbed scene of ours, are we really going to answer 'a bit more online roulette' to the question of 'great great granddaddy, is there anything you'd wished you'd done in life?"

Thanks for leaving the post in my diary. Odd as it is, it's good to be posting in your diary again.

Take care

Equinox

Just want to add that I don't want my last comment to sound flippant. I'd rather you'd never posted again and left gambling behind and I never had an opportunity to post again here.

But what I was trying to say is that I"m glad I'm posting here because you gave me such help dealing with gambling and I'm happy to return that support in whatever way I can. Dealing with gambling addiction can be such a lonely business that I'm grateful for the connection we have here.

Hi Equinox

Thanks for the posts – I do get where you are coming from.

I think you have got to the crux of the issue and that is despite all the pain, despair and humiliation gambling caused us, part of the reason we did it was the rush of adrenalin and excitement we got from it, all from the safety of the sofa in my case. It was an extremely accessible way to get a high despite all the negative impacts it had.

The standard advice on here (which I have given many others) to get a new hobby or go to the gym or rekindle old relationships does not really replace the feeling unless that new hobby is something fairly extreme! Feels like just filling time.

Think I need to find something a bit more substantial and meaningful but in the meantime I am going to go down the “filling time” approach. Cinema last night, exercise tonight and have encouraged an old friend to get back into a hobby we used to do together for Friday night. Not sure this is a long-term strategy.

Muststop123

Day 98 GF.

Not had any real urges to gamble over the last few days, been keeping busy and booking up things to do over the next two/three months.

I continue to have thoughts about how I could get around my blocks which is obviously a bad thing. Had a look back through this diary and I can’t really see any consistency in my thoughts. After the first few weeks of stopping gambling, and the really emotional stuff calmed down, I seemed to be so determined and black and white about gambling and how terrible it was and how I was never going to allow it to enter my life again. Then I relapse for fairly pathetic reasons and since then whilst I really do not want to gamble 99% of the time, the little voice of how nice it would be to have a little go again seems to be a lot more frequent.

I read a lot on here about how this addiction is a forever thing and the warnings about becoming complacent 6 months or a year or 5 years later but I think deep down I thought my initial gambling episode was so short that I could kick this more easily than others but I was wrong.

Need to get back to my more determined anti-gambling attitude and see this as the ongoing battle it really is rather than some one off episode in my life.

Off with friends for the weekend and will be busy throughout so 100 days is in the bag!

Have a great gamble free weekend all

Muststop123

Hope you had a great weekend and congratualations on clocking up 100+ days.

I was similar to you, I believed because I was a late starter and new to gambling, I'd be somehow immune or only suffer from a slight but controllable addiction. It shocks me how quickly gambling can take hold and leave such an lasting impression. It's a bit depressing to think this is a lifetime struggle - but I'm hoping for some magical reason it's not going to be.

I'm finding that cutting the means of gambling out of my life has brought my urges into perspective. They still pop up and make themselves known by usually rattling on about how exciting gambling was, but it's so easily to shut them down and move on because I know I'm having a pointless discussion with myself. I can easily live with these urges if they stay this way.

When you relapsed a few months ago, I could hardly believe it. I don't want that to sound presumptuous - but you demonstrated such clarity of thought and strength of will that it came as a true shock and a real eye opener to me just how difficult this addiction is to tackle.

Part of the problem for me is because I've relapsed (or decided to gamble, if there's a difference) is that I don't trust a word I say when it comes to gambling. I've shown myself to be so unreliable.

We mentioned the TV series Cleaning Up in my diary - and I'm not sure if you've got round to seeing it - but episode 2 really touches on how selfish this addiction can make us. I did a bit of cringing on the sofa.

Take care

Equinox

Checking in 109 days GF.

No real urges to gamble recently. Get the occasional feeling of desire when I see something to do with gambling online but these are fairly fleeting and I do not dwell on them.

I understand why I still have these random positive feelings towards gambling – it provided an easily accessible high almost like nothing else I have experienced, all from the comfort of my sofa.

Blocks are still holding solid and given I have tried fairly hard to crack them previously I am fairly confident they are secure. Wondering if my realisation that I just cannot gamble is helping to keep urges at bay.

Complacency was my downfall last time so need to keep this in mind.

Spent a bit of time at the weekend planning a few things for the year ahead – holidays, few new activities to try, couple of household projects etc. All good stuff to keep my mind focused.

Muststop123

Checking in 119 days GF.

No real urges to gamble and I only have a problem with gambling when I gamble and I can't gamble so where's the problem?

Finally got back in touch with Gamstop to work out why I could not access my account to check how long I had originally signed up for. Very nice lady there sorted it out for me. Turns out even once your original self exclusion runs out you remain registered with them for a further 7 years unless you get in contact with them. So if you sign up for the full 5 years and do not contact them again, you are effectively unable to gamble online for 12 years before you need to do anything. Good news if online stuff is your poison like me. The loophole I found with Gamstop previously is not there for me or anyone else.

Mental well being a lot better now my relapse is far enough away that the pain has dulled. I have managed to tuck away the disappointment in myself for failing to tell my wife about this relapse far back in my mind - not something to be particularly proud or happy about but equally not something that is going to get any better by continously thinking about. It is just another example of my awful behaviour when I gamble.

Good weekend coming up. Out with wife tonight, step daughter over tomorrow so I can help her with some driving practice before she takes her test and out with friends on Sunday.

As always I remind myself of the danger of complacency.