Lost the plot...so back.

Day 2

Finally I've self-excluded from the site I was gambling on. I've had a good run, actually; I've paid off one credit card, and accumulated enough money to pay for Christmas and a few luxuries. But the demons were very strong these last few few days, and I lost £3k in 4 days, which was idiotic of me, since they would've paid off another CC. I must be thankful that I've managed to pull it together in time to stem the bleed, before I lost it all completely. I'm back to post as often as I can. I also have lots and lots of thoughts about what I've done, having abstained for a year and then tasted it again. I have been very, very lucky, but I have lost control ultimately. 4 weeks' gambling every day, and managed to come out of it with something to show. It's not nice, though, to feel sick to the bones the day after it's all gone wrong, and wrong with serious amounts of money. My original intention was to stop 200 up or 200 down, which I kept at first, but once the 'hit' took hold I couldn't help myself. Anyway, no harm done this time, but I have too much to lose by carrying on. Would appreciate some input because I know from experience that I respond positively when it happens. Thanks for reading.

HI Milkman

Sorry to read about your slip but very well done on coming back here and starting again. I remember reading your last few posts where you was worried about haveing additional money because you had paid debts and you was having a few urges ?

Dont go back milkman, you have worked so hard to get to where you are in terms of debt repayment, do you want to go back to the beginning ? Im sure you dont.

Keep those blocks in place and learn something from this slip ?

Wish you a happy and healthy christmas.

Take care

Blondie

Day 6

No gambling. Urges last night led me to test the water-tightness of my online gambling blocks, but they did their job and the urges passed. Feel stupid for blowing that money at the end of the latest binge, esp since it could've done a lot of good towards my debt. Have to be grateful that I didn't lose more - at least I've paid off one card.

Hi milkman

How's it going just reading a bit of your diary, and I'm sorry to hear about your slip. Well done for getting through the urges last night. I also had a slip a couple of days ago so starting again. Enjoy the rest of your week.

Nicki

Day 7

no chance to gamble. Keeps crossing my mind, I'm greedy and I want to win some more back, but biting my lip and keeping my head down for now.

Day 9

Being on 'the other side' for four weeks was weird. Firstly, I was incredibly lucky to come out up. I won't go into detail here for risk of setting off anyone else (when I read it on other people's diaries it makes the 'hunger' appear in me), but twice I was down to my last £36 and both times I left substantially up. Just fluke. But I started off the first two weeks with strict limits and after 10 days these had gone as I needed to gamble bigger and bigger amounts to maintain the 'hit' at its previous level. My run of luck eventually came to an end and I put back £3k over 4 days - having started with a £200 limit per day, up or down. I finally self-excluded. I knew all along what was happening, I just couldn't stop myself after the first week.

Of course, I'm still in debt from my binge last year, but I'm on target to meet my projected debt-free day. Currently my debts are:

CC1 - paid off

CC2 - £2,460 - int free til Sept

CC3 - £2,400 - int free til Nov

Loan 1 - paid off

Loan 2 - paid off

Loan 3 - £3,250 - last payment Dec 2013

Overdraft - paid off

Bank a/c - £500 credit

Opening debt: £13,500

Current debt: £7,610

Debt-free day: Dec 24th 2013

Ashamed of myself. Can't bring myself to write it all out tonight. No massive damage done but big enough to matter, and make a substantial dent in my pocket. Someone made a comment about borrowing money from the bookies - that's too right. I've now given half of it back, and it's a lot. I should know better than to be skulking around casinos while the wife and kids are in bed. I'm an idiot and it's time I learned something. This will hurt for a while, but I really must go back to where I was before all this started.

Day 1 tomorrow.

thanks for reading.

Hi Milkman,

So sorry to read about your slip. I've done it. I know the feeling. Good for you coming back on and being honest about it. Hang in there. I'm rooting for you! -joanxx

Day 1

it's now the day after the night before and I've got that horrible sick feeling that you get just after a blowout. In the middle of the night my little boy came into my room and held my hand; in my semi-grogged state I remember thinking that this was worth far more than the money I was gambling.

I'll wait a few days before I assess the financial damage, can't bear to look at the moment.

Day 10

I gambled the day after I wrote the entry above, lost £500. It was (I hope) the last gasp. I haven't gambled for 10 days now, and I'm already starting to feel the benefit of putting a bit a water between a gamble and now. I feel so sick and stupid about the first few days of the New Year that I really couldn't bear to gamble just at the moment.

Yo MM

Hey look 10 days is a great start

I know it probably seems like 'another 10 days after another relapse ive been here before' but as you say when you put a few gamble free days togther you look at everything much clearer and you dont panic as much

The reason you SHOULD be over the moon with 10 days is that you and i know that when your gambling its a gambling day everyday and its SO HARD to get out of that rhythm and have even ONE non gambling day

I also know that sick feeling as i actually balled myself to sleep last Thursday night which really something i do NOT do cause i have cried a lot about gambling over the last 12 years that im fairly emotionless in the tears sense to it.

You have a family and you have enough money to pay the bills so look at the postitives

Your debts are coming down and hey look at pelle....he did a year not gambling, so why cant we eh?

Its going to be hard, in fact sometimes its going to be absolutely horrific but the end result could be rather tasty.....i fancy a nice big purchase at the end of the year.......what do you fancy?

Keep going mate!

Sorry to hear about your last blow-out. I hope the financial damage was not too bad. January is always a fairly grim month financially, but hopefully things will improve soon. I am still suffering from the expense of Christmas and going abroad for New Year. Back to the grindstone now.

I take it the last bet you had was on the 4th??? Mine was on the 5th. ( got up 900 quid then lost that plus 300 of my own) I challenge you to a race to 100 days bet free.... I pray it's a race you win by one day.

First 11 days went well, I know it's time for a change, am in the same place as I was when first started here and made 9 months that time. Really need a similar period to get finances back on track.

Keep strong bud,

Pat

Sorry to hear you had a slip; I'm sure we all recognise the red mist emotions you describe.

Well done on restarting the diary. I'm finding it a huge help. I figure when I have tried to quit on my own, it was just the non gambling voice in my head vs the pro gambling voice in my head. It was a fight I repeatedly lost. The diary, the posts, the support means we are well and truly ganging up on the pro gambling voice in my head and beating it in to submission.

Here's to another gamble free day. x

Hey MM

How are you doing?

Come back and have a natter soon, hope you are well pal!