The Devils Payroll

Hi Rob

Although rob i can see you are not ready to stop gambling.Im pleased you have come to the forum.Im going to be honest with you kid i have been on here over 2 years and there have been hundreds if not thousands of people come on here in that time,taking the same stance as you,and admiting they have a gambling problem but are not ready to stop as yet.i dont know of one of those people who have managed to control their gambling.Absolute 0%.Of course i hope you can prove me wrong.Dont let your diary fall off the edge of the pages.If you feel you have a problem then,you are in the right place.I personally hope the penny does drop for you.All the best Jeff.

Thanks for the feedback Jeff and Ade, I will certainly been keeping the diary going. I know from the diaries and the chat which I have been going to on and off for the past 18 months the depths of despair gambling can take you.

I was playing with the thought of trying to force a bottom which now seems ridiculous but seemed a reasonable idea last night, thankfully I didn't act on it. I thought if I had nothing and nowhere else to go I might start helping myself. I have hit some lows maybe not rock bottom but enough to know its not pleasant and its best to come out fighting before that happens so onwards with my diary.

I had a bet today, I know not the best of starts. Not only that but I am a hypocrite. It was a "free bet". We all know there is no such thing, in fact I posted on someone thread saying as much, I would do well to heed my own warning before dishing out the advice.

I can set a reasonable goal of not betting tomorrow knowing I have reduced means of gambling until the new year due to me staying with friends (all the computers are blocked and I will be handing over my money). Cliche as it sounds it would be nice to see the new year from here without a bet.

Tomorrow seeing as its quiet at work I can give you more of my story, so if anyone is having trouble sleeping your solution is on its way.

Rob

You already know that gambling really does not work as you have experienced all the lows and rock bottoms that gambling WILL cause.

And there is no such thing as a free bet. Free bets will only lead to more misery.

Keep your diary going and don't forget to read others' diaries to confirm why none of us on here should gamble ever again.

All the very best.

GT

I was hoping to go more into my story but I am going out shortly and was unexpectedly busy at work. Overall a good day so far and no gambling so the bit of money I have left will more than see me through to my next pay day.

Going out to the pub later to meet with friends, used to be a massive fruit machine player in the pubs not so anymore, mostly online when I do gamble now. I used to spend hours on the things instead of enjoying the company of my friends.

Thats one thing I seem to have cracked, when I go out now I don't play the machines long as I have friends there. The knowledge of them kicking my a**e helps but even now the urges in the pub are minimum to none. Before it was too much of a pull and I would spend the night glued to them. Would be nice to replicate that to my gambling in general.

Tomorrow I travel (around 150 miles) and that means motorways and that means service stations. Another big draw for me were the fruit machines in service stations as I traveled a lot with previous jobs and I could spend half a day in there easy. Basically my plan of attack is not to stop. I will pee in a bottle if I have too, don't worry I will pull over first 🙂

"I have been on here over 2 years and there have been hundreds if not thousands of people come on here in that time,taking the same stance as you,and admiting they have a gambling problem but are not ready to stop as yet.i dont know of one of those people who have managed to control their gambling.Absolute 0%."

Not true Ex-Gambler Jeff! Read this entire diary and here is a man who is a true hero. I agree that 99% of us slip at least once but that is the curse of our addiction. The journey is a long and winding road. The most important thing is that we reach our final destination.

http://www.gamcare.org.uk/forum/index.php?tid=180809

keep posting Rob...one day at a time...my diary has been what has got me through dark days this xmas....sometimes i write in answer to others posts on it but most of the time i write it as a conversation with myself...its the stuff that whizzes round my head when like you im driving huge distances...only an idea..but i have an ipad2..i take it with me everywhere and especially in the car as i work a huge territory with my job...when your at the services ,petrol etc why not pull over to a quiet spot and write your feelings down ..exactly how you feel at that point...no holds barred..later down the line it may give you some idea of what is triggering those urges ..I have a contract with 3G for around 35 a month and the ipad was around 278 with the contract.

If you have one ..or similar...great...i have a mini keyboard with mine.

I literally can pull into a lay-by and get an immediate signal...just a thought..but it works for me...xxx keep posting xx keeps me connected up and down ...M6/M1/M5/M42 xxx

This will be my last post. I shall explain:

Back from my trip away and the motorways have been safely navigated without any fruit machine action but without a strange encounter it might of been different.

Drove straight through on the way there but but on the way back started toying with the idea of stopping off and having a gamble on the old fruities. I also needed the toilet, number 2, well that's decide I thought to myself, I must stop now.

By the time I got to the services I had my gambling head well and truly on. Soon as I got to the services and left the car some guy asked me if I would give him a lift, said his van broke down and needed a lift to the next junction down and about a 10 minute drive from there.I didn't really think through the situation as my head was in another world and just agreed to his demand.

Seeing as I didn't want to keep this guy waiting a couple of hours I go to the toilet and leave the fruit machines untouched. I meet back up with this guy who has been hovering around my car waiting for my return. So he got into my car and we started driving, after a couple of minutes my brain started to kick into gear.

What the hell am I doing with this bloke, I didn't fully believe this line about his van breaking down. Soon as I started to question him more about his breakdown situation the clearer it became he was lying. Now I am starting to get nervous, what dark lane is he going to direct me down and how many people are going to hog tie and rape me. So I am making small talk trying my best to convince myself I only have a liar and not a murdering psychopathic lair. I start to ask where exactly are we going and he won't tell me, just that we are not far and he will give directions. Now I notice the way he is holding the phone, he is only recording us talking. By now he is saying not long to go, nearly there. I am thinking just pop the seat belt off and hit the brakes if he starts anything else. Thing is I just keep on going as normal,or trying to act normal and carry on the small talk. No confronting him about voice recording everything or where exactly we are going. Just hoping he is just a bit weird and that we are close to his destination which will be well lit and in public. Sure enough we come into a town centre and he asks me to pull over into a lay-by. He thanks me, goes to shake my hand which I duly do, say goodbye and pull away.

Driving away I am in two minds, did I just have a lucky escape or I was making a big deal out of nothing. Either way If I was thinking clearly and didn't have my gambling goggles on there is no way I would of gotten myself into this situation.

Writing all this now isn't helping me stop gambling, not even the fear I experienced at the time is enough to make me really question myself and say STOP.

Will I ever stop, will I ever really deep down want too stop? I have no idea. In the meantime I see little reason to carry on this diary and have you good people try and encourage me as its falling on deaf ears.

So you just throw in the towel just like that .

Rob you havent even tried.

When are you going to stop when youve lost everything you ever cared about,your home your life what is really going to make you stop.

At least if you try on here you could put the brakes on something that can you destroy you.

Its your choice and your life but dont give up just like that.

Exx

Sounds like next time you'll need to number 2 in a bottle too LOL...don't hesitate to come back here when you ARE ready...you will be welcomed and supported.

On reflection I have decided to keep the diary going. No gambling today and since last Thursday.Time will show my true colours.

There are times when I am just a s**t human being. I am not nice to be around at times and its starting to happen too often. I am withdrawn, moody, judgmental and at times just plain nasty.

I work with computers and a big part of my job is to help out in the meeting rooms. I carry a mobile as I need to answer and respond to problems in the meeting rooms very promptly. First call I get I just ignore and leave it to voicemail. Go away I say to myself, I am playing online pool (not for money btw). The phone rings once more, again I can't be bothered so just leave it to voicemail. By now I imagine the people in the meeting room are getting a bit mad and call my boss. Boss comes in susses out I am in a foul mood, stares at me and says "DON'T. Go up to meeting room 14.NOW!!"

So I go up to a less than happy customer:

Me "Yeah whats wrong".

Customer "the board is out of alignment" the look of disgust they gave me makes my blood boil

Jesus I thought, you are bothering me for this?? I take the whole of 10 seconds to realign and then crash there work so everything is lost. HA f*** you. sailed your c*** to f*** you town and f***** you in the a** good.

Customer "you just lost everything!!"

Me "Sorry, the board is aligned now, bye"

I leave the room actually happy I destroyed there hard work. I mean whats wrong with me? You may say these cries for attention/help are getting sick but even still, a part of me just plain enjoyed it. Thinking about it now I still smile to myself saying that was awesome when its clear, this is not the behavior of an adult but a spoiled little child throwing tantrums.

I am not like this all the time and alot of the time I believe I am good person. But I need to ask myself, do I want to finally grow up and start taking some responsibility for my life? I think some of the core reasons why I gamble are rooted here.

This is how my mind has been working tonight:

I hate new years resolutions I always break them. Every year for the past god knows how long, oh yeah this is the year it will be different and it never is. If I break now at least I've got the first bet of 2012 out of the way. I mean its likely it will happen somewhere down the road of this year, might as well get it over with now and not worry about any of this new year rubbish.

I am hoping in writing that I can see the stupidity of this kind of thinking and fight off any urges.

Another day gone and no gambling but that's pretty typical of where I am at the moment. I gamble less days than I do but the days I do gamble can cause me a lot of financial damage.

After a while you can start to pick up on patterns you fall into and keep repeating. I know the next stage will be self-pity followed by self-destruction which will lead nicely into my next bet.

Good news is I have some awareness and that should give me enough time to put blocks in place. Bad news is I don't and I keep punishing myself, why? Why do I feel so bad about myself and why can't I give myself a break?

Feel lousy. Questioning why I am doing this diary again.

I have been reading other peoples diaries. To be honest I don't get much from them, also I don't feel a need to post anything of encouragement or insight because I have neither. I don't care about the person behind the diary not really, I am very selfish. So if that's the case why should anyone care about what I write? If anyone does post in my diary I don't get any encouragement from it and I don’t know how to reply to them so I don’t. The whole point of this place is for people to support each other, if I am not willing to do that what chance do I have of beating this addiction. I am trying to do this all by myself, I don’t look for help from my family. I need to start asking for and accepting help before it’s too late.