Lost the plot...so back.

OK.

Day 1.

I will not gamble.

I deserve better for myself. My wife and kids certainly do.

Debts: £9k

**edit**

£10k.

Hi Milkman, don't post much nowadays. but still read. I remember you posting on my diary quite a few months ago... you were quite.... to the point, and I appreciated that.

No advice,,sorry... just a welcome back. Coming back here can only be the right move at this time.

Jon

Hi milkman

Once you know better, you do better. You know what you need to do, do it for yourself because you deserve it and everything else will fall into place eventually.

Keep going mate

Take care

Blondie

Hello diary,

I'm abusing you at the moment. I AM currently in the gambling groove, and returning a small profit at present. I'm trying to keep it under control. I say I'm abusing you because the last few months I have used you just to vent my spleen when I've had a big loss. Then I get replies from people like Blondie, Duncan and Jon, who are very supportive but didn't ought to waste their time with someone who isn't sincerely trying to stop (at least, not at the moment; in general, yes).

I am under no illusions as to what 'under control' means. I am a binge gambler - I am capable of keeping a lid on it about 80% of the time, then I flip. To date, I can't stop myself.

At the moment, I HAVE managed to restrict my spending. I am not in the mindset to stop at the moment. There's lots of reasons why, don't want to write them all here. I wanted to write this so my thoughts are recorded if, and when, I come back later.

thanks to the people who have always supported me.

hi MM, im back, significantly worse off financially but even worse feel like my life is going down the drain, so time to make a stand. It got out of control very quickly for me so please be careful.

hope your doing ok.

pat

Hey MILKMAN.

How are you doing?

Was just reading the forum and thought about you so thought again and decided to post... might have something to do with the SC I am consuming this evening.

Firstly, in regards to my last post on your diary, I hope it was clear that I appreciated you directness at that time in my recovery. Even though since then I have probably had a couple of major slips, I can still refer back to yours and others posts on my diary and it helps.

In 28 minutes I will be 148 days free... had to take stark action... handing my finances over to my sister... now I seem to have a few hundred over every month... feels good... and no way of gambling online...( easily .. anyway... there's always a way)

So... i think it's about "f*****g" time you got your ar se back here... start posting and get yourself off the carousel that you know is so self destructive. For whatever reason you are doing what you are doing now... it's been a long time... give yourself a Breather... or at least post and let the good people on here know what you are up to... you know their arms are permanently open.

Anyway... always reading... rarely posting... but if you need an ear I am willing.

JON

Hi Milkman,

Just popping by to let you know that like duncs says, the door to recovery is revolving, All you have to do is choose to come back through the right door.

Stop hitting the self destruct button , You know what you need to do....

Speak to you soon.

take care

blondie x

Hard to come back here.

Self-excluded from the final place tonight. Been on a 6 month bender. Not as bad financially as I could be, but still pretty serious. Hope to survive it, but will mean significant changes (again) to lifestyle and money. Not that there's a lot of fat to shave off the finances now. Dear God, what a sorry state. Almost had it sorted as well.

Read nearly every day (have done for 2 years) but not sure I'm ready to write it all yet. Real life hasn't been great recently and has provided the trigger.

That's all for now

Hi Milkman,

Thanks for your post my friend. Always nice to get a pretty instant response from someone who understands.

I hope things get better for you soon and I will read back through your diary when I have a bit more time.

We both know we are better off without this S***e gambling.

Keep strong

Ade

Hey Hun,

Your spot on we did used to post more.

Tried to post on your diary yesterday but my computer had a fit just as i sent it and then decided it did not want to do anything i asked.

Well its taken me a bit of time to start reposting but it had to be done.

Your a strong person and you fought so hard to get where you were i have no doubt your'll fight just as hard this time round.

Always had a lot of respect for your honest opinions.

We will get there hun just need to fight a bit longer:0)

Stay Strong

E40 xx

Hi Milkman,

Im sorry to hear real life has been cr** for you lately its sounds like lots of things have been thrown your way, add that to an addiction and i know its a receipe for disaster.

When my dad died my gambling went off the rickter scale, i thought it was a safe place for me to hide from how i was feeling i have since learned that it was just delaying the pain of dealing with it because i was so scared of opening the flood gates.

In your own time I hope you can come to terms with it but you know as well as I that gambling is just a delay tactic.

Chin up milkman, thinking about you. And sometimes when you dont know where to start its just best to start.

take care

blondie x

Kind words all, thanks. Yes Blondie, real life hasn't helped, although the deaths were not as close as parents. I feel it would be doing them a disservice to place the responsibility at their feet, but they were close and, yes, gambling is sometimes easier than dealing with things that need to be dealt with. However, greed played a part as always.

Day 3

There won't be a problem for a few weeks now; I know myself, and this sickening time when I feel defeated is a time when I can survive without gambling. The cravings will come in month or so. Financially, I'm in a terrible state, although not in danger of going under at the moment because my credit rating has gone up to excellent recently (when I wasn't gambling, of course) and i've been able to use low-rate credit cards to survive for now. Not great, but manageable. ~My debt is significantly higher than last time, though.

I need to write down what I've been doing, but I'm not just ready to face up to it yet. Will do when the time is right.

Hang in there Milkman.

Things will get better my friend.

Keep posting and keep strong.

You have support on here.

All the best

Ade

Milkman

The work you put in over the next month my friend will determine how strong you are when those urges to self destruct come again.

Me I still hold the last walk of shame in the back of my mind, it helps when addiction dares to raise it's ugly head above the wall I have built.

I tell it a joke.

How do you make a compulsive gambler a millionaire???

Start them a billionaire!!!!

I wish you well my friend.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Hi M

popping in say hi and hope your ok,your posts sound very down at the moment,which is no surprise after your bender,i know easier said than done but get that head up high and dig deep.

Stay Strong

E40 xx