Lost the plot...so back.

Lots of extra work this last two months and coming two month, lots of extra money coming in...and disappearing into the black hole. Well, that's good because otherwise my house of cards would collapse. It's amazing how quickly the finances start to sort themselves out once the gambling stops (4 months this time for me - 2 months struggling and nearly breaking, 2 months standing still, and now the debts are going down).

It is incredible my OH doesn't ask where the money is going. She really doesn't pay any attention. As long as we tick along and I make time for her and the kids she doesn't ask any questions.

I hate seeing my hard-earned dosh evaporate before I've held it, but this is the price to pay for greed and stupidity.

Hi milkman,

Good to see you are still,going strong, because it is the only way the debts will go down, by not not wasting any more money on gambling.

Well done

Suzanne xx

Hi Milkman,

Just dropping in to wish you well and hope that you are still doing ok.....

All the best

Ade

Thanks Ade, currently away so not posted. Back Thursday, which coincidentally is the 6 month anniversary of my last gamble. We are in the process of moving house to another country and my financial black hole is worrying; on the other hand, 8 months til we go and I have shed-loads of work. Hoping to halve the debt as the best-case scenario. Mm

Just over 6 months since my last ;'proper' gamble.

I feel the need for caution at the moment. I feel I am weakening in my resolve. The main reason is the finances are impoving - I've started some new, regularish work on top of my other and it is quite well-paid. I made an extra grand in Dec and it'll be the same for Feb. Of course, it's just going into repayments - I've increased one of the CC direct debits to 1k a month for thee next 5 months, so as to clear it. But it has also allowed me to relax a little too, too much I think, and I've not scrimped as much as I ought really. I have entertained thoughts of using some of my fortune to gamble and accelerate the debt repayments, although I have done nothing.

I'm in a good place in general but not in a good place regarding stability at the moment. I knew the danger would occur around now ie when the money starts to show signs of recovery. Terrible.

I will post more. I will contact my counsellor and arrange an extra session (I have dropped them down from weekly to monthly of late).

Cc 1: 6.5k

Cc2: 4.7k

Cc3: 1.2k

Cc4: 2.6k

I'm glad I checked that out and wrote it down, it puts it all on perspective...finances recovering but still 15k in debt. D'oh! What an idiot I am.

Thanks, NT.

I am still clean - last gamble July 29th. Lots of regret at the moment - I am very busy with work but it hurts to see the money leave my account to reduce the debts. I would love a holiday, or to treat myself and the family. The whole thing is a big secret from my Significant Other, which I don't feel good about but it is necessary at the moment for many reasons. It astonishes me that she has no inkling how much more I am earning at present - as long as she is provided for as and when she asks, she doesn't do the maths. Lucky me, I suppose. She is the most unmaterialistic person ever, really. I suppose I am, unless I am in The Zone - then I become a monster with no reason and few morals.

I did have a go on the quiz machine in the pub last week; a friend was late, I was bored (forgot my phone, else I'd've seen his '20m late' text), and I've never been addicted to them so I did it to kill time and partly to see how I felt. Answer - felt bad about losing the 2 pound I put in (2!!! - my last hand at BJ had 2000 on, dealer pulled 21 from a 6 against my 20).

Overall, it was a successful experiment - the value of money has returned and I am frightened to play anything remotely gambling-like (except the lottery - still 2 lines a week).

Hi milkman, where is the front page of your diary? Thank-you for still being here & being so honest in your recovery as I am following in your footsteps, congratulations on the 1st 6 months & then some 🙂 I don't like to wish people's lives away but you are come up to a double century & surely you don't want to throw that away? I am surprised that knowing what you know you were still talking like gambling is a way out of your debt?!? So very glad to see you have re-established the value of money! You can do this!

Be strong - ODAAT

Well done on six months gamble-free. You are no longer teetering on the edge of the cliff with your arms windmilling beside you to keep you from hitting the rocks.

You need to keep milking your work for all it's worth between now and August. Do you have any plans for after your move? That is what concerns me most of all. I am in a similar situation and am worried that a lack of work alongside stagnant debts will make me depressed causing my escape mechanism to jolt into action... And that would be catastrophic.

Keep going and don't waste any more two pounds on those stupid machines. As for the lottery, well, what can I say? The odds are terrible, but if you need it to keep you sane then fair enough.

Thanks for the comments.

ODAAT, my Other Half saw my diary when I closed down the computer one time and I didn't realise that the page had frozen. In other words, she booted it up and it just defaulted to the last page ie my diary. Luckily, she is not very computer-savvy - she wouldn't know how to trawl through the history, for example - and the page she saw was a relatively tame one. After many frantic calls and emails to Gamcare, I got the diary taken down. That wasn't easy to do, BTW. I changed my name for a while, but then went back to M1LKMAN, or milkman as my original name was. I'm sorry I don't have the first two months, I really was in the deep at the time - it'd be interesting to read those first few raw entries. As for the OH, I semi-lied my way out of it, apparently to her satisfaction, and the matter was left. I am not seriously thinking about gambling my way out of debt, only it had crossed my mind.

Pelle, thanks for reminding me of the arms windmilling analogy. True, I am no longer there. In fact, in March 2014 I was 15k in debt. I remember making the CC payment that took me below the 15, to something like 14950, and I was happy to have made some proper progress. Then I inherited 5k, and went on a bender that left me around 21k over ie I lost 11k in about 6 weeks. This is after initially winning almost enough to break even. The last 10 months have been spent repairing and servicing that debt, and now I am in the same place as before. Yes, I'm moving away in the Summer, and I don't really know what I'm going to do. At the moment I'm just paying in and paying in and seeing where i'll be nearer the time.

Just a quickie.

I am still clean. 6 and a half months.

I was considering buying a new laptop yesterday. I almost clicked and bought one for 350 pounds, but didn't at the last minute. I then found myself thinking ' that is almost 2 and a half % of my debt, I really can't afford to do it, idiot!!'. However...it is really indicitive of the fact that I have a lot more money sloshing around the house, that I could even consider buying some new 'kit'. Unfortunately, this one i'm using really is on the way out (due to the 3 kids dropping/spilling/pulling off the keys etc), plus, it's 5 years old and wasn't v high spec in the first place. It's also nearly full...so I ought to do it really.

My last game of BJ - and my last gamble to date - lost 2000 pounds in around 90 seconds.

Well done on 6 and half months mm,

It must feel great knowing you have the money for a new laptop, it shows how far you have come, if you were still gambling you would have had to sell your old one by now, and Gawwd knows what else to survive, lol.

Keep strong and keep safe.

Suzanne xx

If you stop gambling your debt will eventually be paid and not grow. I sometimes read your diary and feel your punishing yourself with your repayment plans. I think you should treat yourself to a new computer. You have done well over the last six months and you deserve it as do your family. Your all in it together.

Thanks for dropping by & the earlier explanation about the diary & (not) gambling your way out! I'm chuffed to hear I am still rolling along behind you 🙂

day@atime posted the other day about us CG's obsessing the loss of the money when the most common theme on the partner threads is the loss of time & trust which may shed some light on what you are questioning! Our partners generally don't have the same relationship with money that we have or the same impetuous nature that wants everything sorted yesterday so if you were hiding it as well as I was, why would she be concerned?

There's no need to 'confront your demons' until you are ready & clearly you are still mightily P'd @ yourself for last year's bender but @ some point you need to look @ yourself & say 'Hey, I'm doing it!' I'm getting my life back!' Choosing 'no' to this addiction is no walk in the park with all its false promises of fun & a better future but you are doing that & whether or not you are ready to feel proud of you, I am proud of you! I have everything & I have struggled on this journey (which I consider easy compared to a lot of what I have read)! I am still disgusted with how much damage I did financially & mentally but I am proud to say, that is my past! All the years I gambled, unsuccessfully trying to control it, trying to control myself, I never realised control was possible! Here in recovery, I see that, just as I thought all along, no-one had a gun @ my head, it was my choice to gamble & now I choose 'No' just as you are doing 🙂 - ODAAT

Thank-you so much for your comments.

To answer specifically, MichaelS, I think you're right, and I think that self-punishment is a large part of it. Also, the desire to have the money back without gambling ie be at the magical place where we all supposedly want to be. Over the rainbow. This is an issue that I discuss with the counsellor occasionally, and the conversation, typically, would go like this:

(her) "You need to stop being so hard on yourself and blaming yourself and look forward"

(me) "Why? I deserve to feel bad about it. It was irresponsible at best'

(her) "But chewing yourself up every day is unhelpful and will not help your recovery"

(me) "What am I supposedly to do? Whoop and give myself a high five every time I think about it?"

(her) " You don't understand the nature of addiction. Your brain is wired up differently'

(me) " You can say that about anyone who does something wrong..."

and so on.

ODAAT, I am aware of partners and trust issues. More shame, more guilt since it's a secret. That's also where the punishment and material denial come from I'm sure, as in 'if I deny myself enough I will have paid back the money without it costing anyone else anything'. Thanks for the rest of what you've written, very nice and I appreciate it. Without calling in the dark storm clouds, I feel I have to say to you that control is easier in the earlier stages where there are issues with money, or relationships etc and the resolve to make amends is strong. When things start to improve and become like a normal life, the monster tends to rear its head again, and iron discipline is needed. I've never managed to get past that point; I've put myself in a pickle (understatement of the year), all but recovered after a lot of sacrifice and self-flagellation, but then slipped back into old ways, usually via a semi-controlled longish spell of gambling (and often winning, on small stakes). This time it is as long as it has ever been (7 months), I am still bad financially because the blowout was such a big one last year, but things are a lot better now. I hope that by really looking at the patterns of my gambling, and talking about the hows and whys with my counsellor, I can stop another 'attack' from happening.

I bought the laptop, BTW. 390 quid. Can't believe how much things have moved on in 5 years, just touch and go! The old one you have to wait for the adverts to load, wait a second or two for it to unfreeze, then go. For most pages! Good use of funds!

Sounds like your fight is about to get real hard now then, with things getting better! Hopefully the counselling will help you figure out what tools you want to fight off another 'attack'! I personally think you already have them just won't accept you do! Just as you blame yourself for what you did (that's your perogative, I blame Mr Gamble for mine as I'm not mad keen on accepting responsibility), you won't take credit for your recovery (suggesting you can't do it without financial & emotional issues to do it for)! I'm no counsellor but you should listen to 'her', she knows what she's talking about...Recovery is difficult, everyday, regardless of where we are on our journey & you can do this for you! Not as a punishment for what has gone before but because you are worth it & have as much right to enjoy your life as any other decent human being!

Look after you - ODAAT