Lost the plot...so back.

I just think life is hard enough without constantly trying to right past wrongs( don't get me wrong I go there myself). I genuinely think your are making a good fist of recovery but your biggest danger is regret. I really think gambling has a hand in most things going wrong in my life hence without it my life should improve which it has. It's a waste of time more so than anything else but the problem is with so much time on your hands you crave action and so begins the c**P all over again. Enjoy that computer.

Hi milkman, thanks for dropping by on my diary 🙂

I'm letting people I know that I'm having a break so no one feels abandoned! I hope you start to realise your worth & stop punishing yourself soon!

Keep fighting - ODAAT

Keep strong Milkman, you are doing really well. One bet and your house of cards will collapse - don't let that happen again.

I know what you mean about blaming ourselves for what we have done. You're right - we got ourselves into this mess and we alone are to blame. I think we have made it harder for ourselves because we haven't shared our problem with our friends and family, just the people on this forum (and your consellour). I see myself as taking on the anger, depression, frustration and misery that I would have caused my friends and family if I told them that what I had done and how much I had lost. In a way, I am shielding them from a lot of upset, distrust and worry - but I am only justifiable in saying this if I never bet again. I need to pay off my debts and move forward with my gamble-free life - betting has to be consigned to the past.

Keep up the good work. Take care of yourself.

231 days since I gambled.

The last couple of weeks have been hard. I have had urges on many occasions. A friend of mine went to the casino with a group of friends (they are not CG, just middle-aged mates having a beer and then going on somewhere to continue the night). I was asked but fortunately I was working that night. The following day he proudly showed me his wad, won on roulette. It was all innocent on his part but I could feel the monster rising inside me. Other than that, I am having a stressful time in general. We are going to live abroad in August, and we are making final preparations and paying for things - flights, ferries, vans ets. So lots of my money - which I don't have - is being spent. It also worries me that I'll still be minimum 10k in debt by August, and it will be difficult to repay it when we first move.

Anyway, I am still clean, and that's something. My counsellor has given me her email address and told me to update her regularly (since 'reporting back' to her seems to be a deterrent).

Well done on 231 days milkman,

Keep strong, there will always be temptations around us but we are CGs who know the only way we win, is by abstaining and maintaining. there is no such thing as a recreational bet for us, keep starving it and keep going forwards.

Suzanne xx

I have just read my own post from the 24th Jan 2012. I am 9.5k in debt at that moment.

I wish I was in debt by that amount right now. That's like paradise. It just goes to show how the value of money becomes meaningless when we keep gambling.

After my LAST EVER binge, in July 2014, I was 22k in debt. It's now 15k. That's a thousand a month I've paid off. I can hardly believe I have that much 'disposable' income, except I haven't, of course. I have sacrificed as much as I can to make inroads, without compromising the wife and kids' lifestyle. When I finally pay it all off I don't think I'll know what to do with it all.

There is one good think that gambling has brought me. In July last year, as I sat feeling sorry for myself and wondering how I was going to get out of my almost - but not quite - point-of-no-return binge, I did a basic 6 month plan on how to cut every cost imaginable. I smoked slightly less than 20 cigarettes a week - not day - generally 2 or 3 in the evening with a drink. I'd tried for years to quit, but just couldn't sustain it. In some ways, I think smoking just the odd one is harder to give up, because apart from the nicotine addiction there is a real feeling that it is a 'treat' when you have so few. Anyway, at a cost of around £10 a week, I realised it had to go. That means I have now saved something like £300, not a fortune but not to be sneezed at. I also reduced my drinking for a while - again, I was not a heavy drinker but I did like a pint or two at the end of a night. This has crept back, but it is still less than the levels of last Summer. I also planted loads of veg in my garden, obviously I like gardening anyway, but this was with the intention of saving money - I chose things that are easy and would knock money off the shopping bill. So, another bonus to stopping gambling.

On the gloomy side, I've been hiding something in the house which I happened across the other day. After my second-worse binge, in 2005, I gambled so much online that I got one of those invitations to become a VIP, but I had to sign a paper with all my transactions on it saying that they were all made by me of my own free will etc. I orinted it off and stared at it. It is 4 pages long of A4, covered in withdrawals. Just hundreds and hundreds, and several thousands, being deposited over a 3 month period. I almost made me physically sick - I heaved, but nothing came. I didn't want to throw it away, so I hid it (from whom I don't know, since I was single at the time; in fact, it was the break-up of my marriage that triggered the binge). Anyway, I found it the other day when I was sorting out some papers; I really ought to scan and share it, just to show would-be gamblers the road to oblivion.

240-odd days clean now.

I think you should bin it, you have done really well and should really look forward not back.

Still clean. Over 8 months now.

Had two serious pangs recently; one on the way home from a friend's house, one beer inside me (ie sober), just suddenly thought 'wife n kids in bed, it's quite late, I have my card in my pocket, how about a quick visit to the casino?' I battled internally for a couple of mins, by which time I was home, and that was that. But if I'd ended up diverting and driving there it really wouldn't have surprised me. Hmmmm. Secondly, was having a chat with a mate int pub (a different night) and he was describing something money-related about currency exchanging, just businessy stuff, but I found myself wandering away and thinking about making money the 'easy' way, whether it's BJ, exchanging money, sports bets...these two events happened in the same weekish. I'm obviously vulnerable at the moment, lots of reasons for that but probably mainly because the finances are recovering and I've spent a lot this month on necessaries...I think that feeling of 'money in, money out' gets the urges going, and I've had to spend over a grand this month on car, house, kids etc etc.

Mate, read the diaries ahead of us...It's normal! You know gambling isn't 'easy' money (well not for us anyway) it's just the addiction trying to suck you back in when your guard is down! Your post from the 23/03/15 sums this up! If you had stopped in 2012, you would be debt free by now!

You are doing great 🙂

Stay on your guard & keep fighting - ODAAT

Thanks for the encouragement, ODAAT and MichaelS.

I tend to write the grimmer thoughts on my diary, but I am obviously pleased with my present run.

8 months 9 days clean now.

Lots of urges; dealing with them, but it's not easy. My counsellor told me, under questioning, that she'd counselled approx 60 gamblers, and not one of them had gone the whole time without abstaining for the whole course (24 sessions), or dropping out completely. Several had had only one lapse and then made a really good, solid recovery after that. Naturally that awakened my natural competitive urge and made me want to be the one that actually goes the whole lot without a gamble. Maybe she tells everyone that, or maybe she thought it would be good for my recovery to tell me that, I don't know. Anyway, if she did think that then she's probably right.

Separately, I have a cloud on the horizon. I suspect I will be put in a very difficult position on Aug 12th this year (a little after my one year mark) and I may 'have to' gamble. I don't want to give the details, I'm not writing this to get attention and sympathy (or anger), I am just recording it in my diary to read back at some point. I won't have to spend a lot, and I can limit the money side of it, but I may have to do it to avoid awkward questions. We'll see. I'm not worried about the money, I know I can manage that on a one-off, more about the feelings it might unleash. I am not ready to make things public.Hmmm.

**edit** I mean, public with my friends and family. Not anyone reading this! I'm not that arrogant!

Have edited my original comment, NT, it wasn't quite right.

To answer your q, I suppose no-one ever has to gamble. I just want to avoid a situation where one or two people will be astonished and surely ask questions (my brother in particular) if I don't gamble. I am a different gambler in company, I don't binge. But I am keen. I know I know, it sounds like I'm making excuses. But it is preying on my mind, that's why I wrote it. I'm already chewing over possibilities. Not being there is absolutely not possible, for very good reasons. So, feign illness? Not easy when there's other activities I have to be involved in. I'm not asking for ideas, i have plenty, just I wanted to air it and I will keep coming back to it while I deal with it in my head. I might find a way out, although it eludes me right now. I might do it with small stakes and manage OK, if I divorce it from the rest. that's it really.

Thanks for dropping in with your support and lovely message.

8 months plus is a fantastic achievement, well done you.

Just think 8 months of no gambling and winning, think very carefully about your future choices, you have come so far and worked very hard to achieve this,

Take care and stay safe.

Suzanne xx

I wouldn't bother. You'll send yourself back to Day 1 and that'll have psychological consequences. Whatever the circumstances, you can't be forced to gamble. Save the money and buy some cut-price bog roll or a six-pack of Baked Beans.

Paid another grand off today, so 13.5 in debt now.

Unbelievable that I've found nearly a grand a month for the last 10 months. Still, no holidays, luxuries as such, made lots of sacrifices to try and chip-chip-chip away at the debt. I've just started to relax a little with things like going out, and the new computer. Only a little, becuase the battle is not even half won. But there's noticeable progress. I know we spend much much less than other families.

Other news...had to check my online bank statements today (boring reason) to check a direct debit from a year ago...that put me bang in the middle of the last major, and financially crippling, blowout. Ouch! That made me hurt. What was I thinking? Thousands and thousands out...two big wins that almost wiped out all my debts...and then thousands and more thousands out, leaving me in this sorry mess, and a 22k debt.

Onward and upward!