lost the plot..

London bloke, well done mate for abstaining for 8 days.

You can make it slightly easier for yourself though go to the GA website and find your nearest meeting. Trust me it will help you loads and so will the people there.

There is NO quick fix for this disease unfortunately but if your willing to admit that gambling has you licked you are on your way to a better place. I am now 10 1/2 months gamble free and that is absolutely amazing after 24 years of gambling.

You can do it if you want it.

Get to a meeting and they will help you it's daunting but it's the best thing you will ever do!

Put some barriers up, don't mix with gamblers they ain't friends there associates, don't carry money with you just the absolute minimum. Get rid of bank cards. Give control of your finances to someone you trust (not always easy). Don't walk past or into gambling estasblishments etc etc:

Good luck mate and keep up the good work.

regards turk101

1st post for almost a week and i've BLOWN IT...Went 10 days without a gamble then bang.

I GAMBLED AGAIN!!!

I'm really not right in the head. I was doing so well and now i'm back to square one and i'm angry with meself for throwing away 10 days of good progress..

WHY DID I DO IT ???

This ain't an excuse (well hang on maybe it is!!!!!)but i signed in to check my e-mails and low and behold i had 1 from a certain site that i've blown 1000's on in 3 odd months telling me that some of the bets i had previously made didn't happen, trapped in my account and were not played against any games and that they were reinbursing me 57 quid cash credit..

Well i was over the moon, its never happened to me before and i didn't really understand it but what did i do?

Instead of just letting them bill it to my bank account (0p in it i might add), i rejoined the site and thought well it don't really count cos i never had it anyway and on friday night after i got home from work i went on a spree...

Well i couldn't stop b****** winning !!! betting small but winning all the same turned 57 into 332 and banked 300 of it feeling so on top of the world..

then i hit the on-line slots ..the same 1's that have wiped me out these past 3 months £1 a spin, took the lot so i reversed the 300 i had banked and upped the stakes to a tenner a spin and in 10mins lost it all..

That was that, could'nt do anymore cos i'm maxed out ,skint have borrowed money left right and centre and payday is 2 weeks away ..THANK GOD it was too cos i'm certain i would of chased my losses if i could of got hold of anything and probally blown that too..

Ever since friday (well sat early morning really) i've been saying to myself well you never had it before anyway so who cares , but the other part of me saids you idiot you've lost another 330 now and i'm having this battle in my head now over the 2 different scenarios!!!!!

God i was skint and 57 quid fell into my lap i then turned that into 332 and then BLEW THE LOT and in doing so threw away 10 days of good hard work and now i'm back to square one.

I'M AN IDIOT..

Should of used that to buy that gamblock prog but i lost the plot again ,dunno why just really don't.

Sorry to go on and on just venting my complete frustration at my stupid self.

Thanks for listening and well done to all who are beating this b****** illness

Takecare all

Hello again i just posted but got to be honest and say i posted before catching up on my diary ..was venting my frustration big time and didn't even read to see if anyone had replied to my last post..

A HUGE thank-you to JOHN A and turk101 for your replies, sorry i was so lost and angry that i just logged back in and away i went rambling on, my apologies.

JOHN A , i think i've come to the conclusion now that i have a big empty void in my life which gambling has in some way filled. I've not mentioned this before and maybe i should of when i first started this diary. I was in care since i was 4 days old up to my 18 birthday and i don't have "family" around me, i don't know any of them don't know where they are ,what they look like,

could even past them every day in the street and just not know that they are related to me. But as the years have passed i've just got on with it "what you never had you never miss" and all that...

I'm not for 1 minute blaming that for the reason i gamble cos gamblimg is something like most on here i've been doing almost all my life (apart from the 3 years that i just stopped) but it does fill a gap for me in a mad crazy kind of way. I've got a decent job, my homes nothing special but its mine(don't own it just rent from the council)

and i like to think i'm a decent person, would go out my way to help anyone but the buzz i get when i'm gambling its like nothing else matters at that moment...nothing, its like a huge release from everything..

What it all about ?... i ain't got a clue but its always been there for as long as i can remember..maybe like you said in your post perhaps its cos i'm not settled, i'm looking for "THAT" something else thats missing in my life, its sure not normal and its something i want to change and i will keep trying but sometimes i understand it and other times i just really don't!!!!

I know soho and brewer street i live in sw6 not far away, am up that way with work almost daily but i don't go up there on my days off. But i know what you mean about the temptations all around you up there.

Anyway my friend thanks for replying keep fighting cos i know i'm going too and 1 day , just 1 day i'll look back on all this and smile and say it made me a better person.

Thanks also turk101 for the advice, and huge congratulations on 10 1/2 months gamble free. After 24 years of gambling then to stop it shows that we can ALL beat this. Well done m8...

Thanks for listening

Well in a few hours i'll be back on 5 days without a gamble.

Was very disapointed with myself for slipping up at the weekend and blowing 10 gamble free days but whats done is done.

Counting down the days now till payday (25th) cos i've got a mountain of bills to sort out. Had a final demand for the council tax and a letter about my rent arrears just this morning so 2 more to add to the ever growing pile. The bills are piling up again so i've got to get on top of them before they spiral out of control. Wish i was paid weekly rather than monthly but it seems to be the trend nowdays.

This is where it gets tempting as payday approaches, thoughts running through my head thinking go on just have a little play surely your lucks got to change eventually (it did friday but as usual i just kept going till it was all gone) This time though i'm determined to clear up some of my bills and get my rent up to date. Will leave me with hardly anything for another month but i'm getting used to living on a tenner a week now, very sad really when i'm working my guts out and have nothing to show for it except bills..

For some crazy reason i keep thinking about the film the godfather and Michael Corleone saying "just when i thought i was out, they pull me back in" ...think i read someones post where they mentioned something like that and now i can't stop thinking about it. Crazy ain't i ??

Anyway almost 5 clear, sorry to ramble, just needed to say something.

Good luck everyone fighting this keep strong and best wishes

Thanks for listening

Hi londonbloke.

Just read your diary and wanted to say well done thus far. I wouldn't beat yourself up over your minor lapse. I doubt there would be many who would have had the strength to not have a play with that little unexpected refund.

It seems from reading your diary that so far you have not had much opportunity to gamble since you first posted due to lack of funds. I'm sure if come payday you remember the reason you came on here in the first place then you will be just fine. Keep strong.

I really empathised with your reference to cashing in dvd's/cd's etc. I ran up debts of about 35k a few years back. I would say 25k went on gambling, some on socialising and about 5k on putting together the finest cd/dvd collection outside of HMV. I cashed quite a bit of that in for 50p a cd or £1 a dvd. The proceeds went straight over the bookies counter. What a waste!

All the best for your continued recovery.

Hi Londonbloke

Dont beat yourself up about your relapse its gone , we ve all done it the good thing is you came back on here.You like me abstained from gambling for quite a while so it shows you can do it,but it never goes away 1 bet and off we go again.

I used to think this time will be different i ll just have few bets, not go over the limits I set or if I win a few quid put it in the bank. It never happens always went over limits,usually till no more funds were available. When I did have a winning run it always ended up the same losing more than id won, the only difference being that it sometimes took me longer than other to lose it. Sorry for rambling but the point I think im trying to make is that we have to admit to ourselves that our abilty to control the gambling as gone and probably will never come back,so inevitably we will always end up back in the same position. I dont know if im making any sense to myself now so I ll bid you farewell ,try and stay strong and havea good weekend Dino

Hi London bloke

Well done for picking yourself up and starting again m8, many people would have called it a day and give in completley.

you had 10 days gamble free and are now on your way to your next 10 days.Alright you have the boredom factor to deal with but think of how you were feeling when you had your small lapse .Forget the feeling of disappointment for now and think of the usual feeling (here we go again same old story, anger, headache,i cant believe the same old bad luck).Now think of the 10 days gamble free and there were no bad feelings and you didnt have any bad luck.

That is why London bloke you will continue to fight this addiction. You have now had a period of none gambling and it felt good for you i can tell because you are disappointed and angry.

Londone bloke turn that disappointment and anger into determination. You WILL beat this .All the best Jeff.

Hi everyone

Well 8 days have now past since i last gambled.

Thanks to Curly10, Dino and Jeff for your replies and encouragement.

The real test for me is fast approaching (25th) payday. The last 3 months i've blown the lot in 2 odd days then struggled for the next 4 weeks.

I'm off work 26th and the 27th as well so its going to be a difficult time but when i go back to work on saturday i know i am going to feel on top of the world knowing that i've broken the cycle..

best wishes to everyone fighting this, keep strong

Takecare

Well payday has arrived and i'm off now till saturday and i've gone and blown it..

as soon as i got in from work i went straight on-line and hit the slots.

then bang......2500 dropped in and i was 2200 up!!!!! shut down the computer and was buzzing ..

must of been 10 mins later and i'm logging in again just could'nt help myself and this time i'm going for the big 1 maxed it out 40 quid a spin..and u all know what happened..

I've had it now ..really don't give a t*** anymore if i could get money i'd chase what i've just lost .

i can't beat this ..its got me by the b**** i reckon deep down i was counting down the days till payday and i've just blown the lot in 1 night after winning 2200 ......jesus

so lost another months wages gonna be a great xmas for me and to be honest my head is so far gone that i could'nt care less anymore.. i tried and failed and i'm hurting badly

i'm drinking like a fish now ..thank god i brought a carryout before i went on-line..am gonna feel terrible tomorrow but for now i no longer give a d**n

sorry everyone just had to vent got no one else to talk too..

can't say anything else except i'm a complete waste of space almost 4am and i've got a date with a bottle arghhhhhhhhhhhh...idiot

You have to pick yourself up from this. I have done the same so many times. Get a big win and then the compulsion to gamble it just takes over - it;s like you have to control. When I'm gambling my winnings I feel sick and I shake but I still gamble it .

Please try and put this behind you and start again. Next time payday approaches arrange for somebody else to have your bank cards and put gambling block software on your PC/laptop.

I am only on the first day without gambling - I get paid on Monday - I will have to fight to make sure I don't do as you did. Having money is the wose thing.

Keep posting on here - everybody here wants you to suceed.

Take care

x

Hi Londonbloke,

Sorry to hear about your blowout and hope the hangover isn't too bad today. Just read through your diary and it seems that you almost talked yourself into gambling when you got paid. Not saying it was a deliberate action but you constantly refer to worrying about what you will do when you do get paid and the only reason you had not been gambling is that you had no money.

If you really want to stop this cycle you have to put some practical barriers in place - if you gamble online why is your computer not blocked?. If you knew your wages were coming in - give your bankcard and ANY access you have to money to somebody else. In my short experience of dealing with this addiction, anybody who makes up excuses not to put short-term practical barriers in place is not ready to stop gambling.

I genuinely feel the pain in your posting, you are not a bad person, you are struggling with a genuine addiction. Once you have made the decision to stop, things can get better, but until then the merry-go-round of pain and misery inevitably continues.

I really do wish you the best, you can and will beat this, it's gonna be hard, but you can do it.

Take care,

DT.

Morning Londonbloke,

You got a hang over? I really did understand your last post, because I have

done exactly the same myself.

Be gentle on yourself and give youself time

to recover from this episode. Try to block

it from your mind and whatever you do try

not to recover the losses. Easier said than

done I know but we know that the financial

and emotional turmoil will only get worse.

Have you considered the online counselling

which gamcare provide? It really does help.

I am wishing you well and hoping you are ok

today? Post an update...good or bad, just

get it off your chest.

Take care....Jas x

hey londonbloke, sorry to hear about your blowout..don't be too hard on yourself..we have all been there...had a big win, and think we gonna stop but its never enough ..just a bit more..just a bit more..until we just want back what we started with..does not make sense..this is a v bad illness..I am know telling myself that everyday i dont bet i am winning..and not going and feeding all my money down those fxxxn roullete machines no more and paying for expensive holidays for those bookies..you have forget about what has happend..trust me its hard..i have been through the same so may times...stay strong m8 all the best.....

Hi again and a huge thank-you to Borgie1, deep trouble, Jasmine and harry33 for your very kind words of support and encouragement. In a way i don't feel i deserve the kind words of others after letting myself down in such a bad way, part of me feels like i'm letting everyone on this site down. The support from the people on here who are fighting this really helps ease the pain of yet another setback.. so once again a big thank you to everyone.

I felt bad on friday when i woke after both my session gambling and then drinking to block out the pain of it all. Sadly it didn't end there i managed to borrow even more money from a fellow gambler i have known for years and off i went again and blew the lot while getting off my face, so the pain continued.

Well thats it for me, wages gone, in even more debt now, making various excuses to all sorts of people that i owe money too, things are not good at all.

Was back to work on saturday thank god. Took my mind off the money i had lost even though i was working for nothing as i'm paid the 25th for the whole month but today is the last one i'm working for nothing ,from tomorrow at least i'll be back on a new month. Crazy way to look at it i know but thats how messed up my head is.

I'm going to see if i can get a loan from my work today, have never tried it before but am going to give it a go. Am ashamed to say that i'm going to lie to them and not tell them the real reason why i need it, don't think i'm ready to stand before them and say i've gambled the lot away, not sure how that would go down so just gonna come up with some excuse. Only want 100 quid which they could take from next months payday so i'll give it a go and see what they say. Will probally think hes just been paid and that i can't handle my money and they are spot on i can't, at least not while i am gambling, still am gonna give it a go...

The reason i want that is i need a few quid to live on plus i'm gonna do something that i should of done ages ago, buy that betfilter program, I could install the trial version but think whats the point if i can uninstall that if the urge hits me. Been reading up a lot about it over the weekend and although i am skint and have no money to gamble anyway just by having the program installed on my pc will make me feel so much better. I will feel like i've taken a huge step forward. Ok i'll be wasting one month of my membership as i have no funds, but in my head i'm sure it will help me to heal the pain i'm feeling cos again after just a couple of days i'm having problems forgetting what i've lost. Think about it day and night..Madness really is

Right sorry to go on and on, had a lot to get out my system. Am working soon (normally work 4-12pm) so off to get ready.

Will post again when i get in from work

Thanks for listening

Takecare

Hi Londonbloke,

I can see your in the thick of it.. just like I use to be. No doubt you will duck and dive and fight your way through to your next pay day. Its then that you will be challenged once more. Like others have said.. what will be dfferent next time you get paid.. will betfilter be on your computer for sure??. I have it on mine.. it does exactly what it says on the tin. How can you tie up your money so you dont have easy access?? What will you do when you feel like gambling??

Take care, keep safe.. life does get better when the gambling stops.. join a gym, walk in the park.. anything is better then emptying ones bank account... S.A