lost the plot..

Well 2 days clean..

Its a start and something to build on but i know theres going to be lots of tough days ahead..

I've been here so many times its unreal.. Its been like i've been stuck in some "loop" bit like that film groundhog day (strangely enough i watched it a few days ago again) probably why it sprang to mind..

Anyway just small steps but at least the last few quid i have is still sitting in my pocket

Good luck to you Lady h ..Yep New Year ...New Beginnings

4 Days now have passed without a gamble

Wanted too.. really did especially after watching the football earlier and not getting the result i was hoping for.. Think maybe thats been a bit of a thing for me most my life ..Usually i would head off on a gambling binge to just forget when things don't go the way i had hoped they would or all the other rubbish..

Well tonight was the same ..I wanted too, i really did, got hardly anything to lose to be honest only a few quid in my wallet but its always been the same to me a gambles a gamble ..i've walked 30 mins up the road before with just a tenner in my pocket to gamble with in different places where i'm not known only to have to walk back 10 mins later after losing it in seconds

But tonight i didn't do that ...

4 days so far i'm now 3 hours into my 5th day ..

Just small steps

Well a full week now gamblefree...A few urges here and there but i quickly find myself something else to do to get away from it and so far so good..

I also feel the New Year thing is giving me that added determination not to gamble as well..

Other parts of my life are not too good at present but i know only too well that if i was gambling they would be much much worse..

So onwards i go...7 days clean

Hi, just read a few of your posts; the struggles are evident.
2017 is a good year - make it your year. Make it the year that you took your life and made it into a life that you've always wanted.
You've read this website for long enough to know what it takes to help you succeed. Go out there and do it, smash it, stop the pain - you're worth it.
I look forward to reading about it x

How u getting on...is 2017 still yours? Hope so 🙂

Very pleased to say that i am now 14 days gamblefree..Yep 2 whole weeks without any gambling whatsoever..

I feel quite chuffed if i'm honest...I can't remember the last time i went 2 weeks without a gamble so to me its a pretty huge step..

Not gonna lie...Its been a tough few days, urges all the time especialy Thursday when i got paid some money...I've been having the "two different conversations with myself going on in my head"

The first saying go on you know you want too, bit of excitement just try 20 quid..Just 20 thats all.. Then walk away..what harm would that do.. ( But we all know i'd blow the lot chasing the lost 20).. Thats how it starts..

The other one keeps telling me ..New Year, fresh start, lets end this madness, this is no way to live etc etc...

Yep fair to say my heads been a bit all over the place since Thursday..But i always knew when i got a few quid thats when the real test begins...

Anyway am still going strong ...just small daily steps ..Onto day 15 now...

Thankyou Little miss lost and Lady h for your support

Hi, great to see you're 2 weeks gf!!!
The problem with not having blocks in place is your head knows funds are available to gamble with so it keeps hammering away at you, making it more difficult to stop.
If you haven't already, why don't you join the 2017 - 1 year challenge on the 'ongoing recovery diaries' section.
You only have to log in once a week to say you've been gamble free.
Keep going, hang in there, it does get easier and make 2017 the year you kept a hold of your money and spent it on yourself.
Remember you never win gambling and even if you do you give it all back.
Stay strong and in 2017 see something for your money instead. You can do it!!

Sorry, the 2017 - 1 year challenge is on the 'overcoming problem gambling' section !!

There's also the 100 day challenge on 'mixers' recovery diary!!
I'll go now and leave you in peace, I'm getting on my own nerves! haha!!

17 days now without a gamble

Am finding i have so much spare time now, its just crazy how much of my life i've spent either online clicking a spin button or in a shop somewhere gambling..Its only when you stop doing it that you begin to realize just how much not only money it takes off you but also time...

I've actualy turned into a bit of a movie freak lately...Have watched some great films these past couple of weeks ....For me its partly filled that gap and at the end of the day anything is better than throwing money into a slot machine..

Still early days that much i know...I've been here so many times before so got to keep my guard up as the urges drop by all the time..

I really think that for some of us these urges may never go completely away...The Buzz, the excitement, the highs,(even the lows), the rush etc etc...Think i'm maybe one of them people...

Maybe i'm just a bit odd..who knows...

Got to admit though that i've also cut way down on the drinking side of things too now ....Not stopped completely but noticed i'm not drinking half as much as i would of done if i was still gambling..I think a lot of that was after me blowing almost everything and me trying to block out the losses..(of course they were always there the following day after the hangover had long gone) Anyway that too has to be a good thing...

Thanks Little miss lost for the pointers to the 100 day and 1 year challenges..I have seen them..have seen a few of these over the past few years. Think a good while ago i actualy did join one and i crashed and burned after a few days/weeks previously... I know at the start of the year i said i'll sign up to one but after giving it some thought i have decided to just go it alone for now..But i know that its great having everyone else spuring you on together as a team..They are a great idea

Anyway 17 days have now passed..

onwards and upwards nice and steady

Hi LondonBloke,

I'm new here and yours was one of the first diaries I read and the ONLY one I have read from beginning to end (at work...NOT a productive day).

I have a problem with the slots and can relate to virtually everything you are going through from the episodes in Brighton and at Beachy Head to the drinking and the numb attitude to losses...I've been there.

Just wanted to say well done on 17 days and thanks for being so open an honest about this evil affliction. I, as everyone is, am rooting for you and I'm sure 2017 is your year.

All the best.

Phil (Day 3)

Thanks Phil83 for your kind words of support...Its crazy how this addiction just takes over so much of our lives and leads many of us into some very dark places..

I'm reading and following a lot of other peoples struggles/battles and success stories on the recovery diaries and its a great help to me reading how others are coping and beating this evil addiction ..I haven't posted much on other peoples diaries lately but as i said i'm following many and i look forward to reading about your progress over the coming weeks/months..All the very best mate..

I'm very pleased to be able to say that i've just passed 24 days without a gamble..

Early days that much i do know, i've slipped up so many times in the past its unreal but i'm so determined this time round to finally put a stop to this madness but i'm not taking anything for granted..i know its not as easy as just saying i want to stop etc etc...The urges are still there, as are all the missleading thoughts of maybe i could hit a winner this time to give me some breathing space on the repayment front, all that kinda stuff..But i know how it all ends...As i've read so many times "if nothing changes, then nothing changes"..

Well i want to change..I want things to change..

So 24 days have past and gone ...now i move on to the next day ...just nice and steady

Just small steps

Willing and urging everyone here on ...We can do this ...

All the very best to all.....

31 days the whole month of january not gambled a penny..

10 mins past midnight and i've put my shoes on just like that and i've walked 5 mins from my door and into a shop (24 hour arcade.. 3 different shops within a 5 min walk ) and i have once again gambled..

try a score i'm thinking and if it hits that pays for the £28 quid i just spent on food shopping earlier today..

A quick 20 quid returns nothing..then another and again nothing...so i think as i've always done i'll instead try 20 pound coins in this thing cos feeding it notes it just ain't happening...

After 12 coins in i hit a 4 trigger bonus.. hearts in my mouth ...end result it pays me 8X stake..8 f****** times stake..unreal..

End result... 60 in and a bonus paying me 16 back ...story of my life..

i'm self excluded from this f******** shop done it 3/4 times now but here i am yet again..No one in here knows me and i don't know them ..(there was a time i knew everyone who came in here ...all the degenerates just like me...i knew them all) new staff all over again... i don't get asked to leave as i've self excluded myself 3 times previously but i do get asked would i like something to drink...Yes please i reply large brandy and coke....(of course i got a strange look right back at me)...20 something mins later and i've done the whole £60 and i've walked out that shop feeling like complete s***

Why the f*** i've just done that after doing so well and going a month without any of it and then i walk straight back into it just like that 10 mins into another month i just don't know....spur of the moment thing and i blow a months recovery in 20 mins ...i just don't know why i do this..

been doing great ..a month without a gamble and a drink ..well in the space of an hour i've blown the month out and for what....nothing..thats what..

plenty of 24 hour shops all on my doorstep and i've now got myself a bottle of brandy ...just wanna forget the last hour and pretend i never just did any of that ....

to be honest i don't really know why i'm posting any of this at all...I guess i'm just lonely and don't have anyone else to turn too or speak too but i need to get it out....how many times now have i self excluded or stopped for a month or 20 days or 50 days yet i've always gone back ..

I have to see someone from the mental health team regularly from my actions in the past but i never mention any of this stuff to any of them .i just keep it to myself..its like my dirty little secret just who am i kidding?..

Like many my addiction started on the 2p shove machines down the coast on the odd days we had a day out away from london..

The machines that you could shove and the alarm would go off now and again and the coins dangling over the edge might fall into your tray..

Those were the days ..the good old days.. the innocent days ..

fast forward 30 years and a life lost to slot machines ..anyone who has never played them would just never believe it...they wouldn't....

So anyway what now ...i've still got a few quid in the bank (been saving for a cooker because mine packed up a long time ago, only the hobs work.. the oven died a long time ago) was only a couple of weeks away from getting a replacement but now thats all gone to s***....pushed me back a few weeks..

if i'm honest i really want to go and chase this machine i really do..

So many times i just see it as a do or die ..thats me all or nothing..

pretty messed up way to live a life ain't it...

I no its down to me ..

Been a good while since my last post..(in fact its exactly 2 months to the day since i last posted)

These past 8 weeks have been the norm for someone like me ...i've gambled a few times, with what little money i have..Then i've stopped for a week or so even with a few quid still in my pocket..Then i've started the cycle all over again by gambling....Stop/start ...short break then do it all over again...story of my sad addicted life...

Today is yet again my day 18 without a gamble....I've reached this day so many times over the years that i've lost count ...

Tonight i'm struggling...i've got the urge again real bad ...i just really wanna spin them reels and play..i just want to gamble..

Instead i've come here and read a few posts...

A couple of hours or so later and after reading quite a few posts yes i still have the urges but i also have the "no don't do it " ...in my head now ....so instead i'm going to go out and get myself a drink or two....

I know that drinking to try and replace the gambling bug is not the answer but surely a tenner spent is better than losing everything...

At least i'll make it to day 19

Hi LB...I don't even know what to say to you, I've just spent the whole evening reading your diary from Day 1, I've no idea why it grabbed my attention but I felt I had to read it, every single post. I'm not ashamed to say....I cried.

I've no words of wisdom or advice to give you & I'm sure you've heard it all anyway but ....Never forget, you are not alone. Gambling reels in victims every single day, it destroys lives, families, relationships...Takes takes and takes some more until theres nothing left but despair, depression, loneliness, debt....and worse.

You've been there....I've been there. Many of us here have been there.

It's time to stop giving and giving and giving.....Stay close to the forums, shout out if you need to vent or just need a bit of support or even a wee chat to distract you when the pain hits....You don't have to suffer alone.

Please keep posting....Bad days or good.

Wishing you buckets of strength & support.

Mari x