lost the plot..

Thankyou Mari for your kind words and support..very much appreciated..

3 weeks today gamblefree again...Feeling a bit up and down mood wise but not going to let that destoy my 3 weeks of progress..

Again been having a good old read of the diarys, its great to read of so many others beating this and moving on forward with their lives... I haven't responded much to others ...Often because of the countless times i've relapsed over the years i sometimes feel a b****** hypocrite...But i hope to participate a bit more as time goes on and i get some more of my confidence back again..

My gambling urges have always been worse in the evenings and very late at night...I'm a terrible insomniac, but i'm watching a movie now late almost every night (which i enjoy) and am finding it a big help in me getting over the urges, taking my mind off it and filling in that void...

Tonight i know i will not gamble and at this time thats good enough for me...

Then i'll go again tomorrow...

Takecare all

Hi LB,
I also sit at 3 weeks GF, with urges yesterday and today but since my problem is online slots I empty my bank account so I can't gamble. I go through stages where posting on here helps but it is also nice to stay away and try to forget my addiction and live like a normal person. I guess it is good to use the page as a crutch. Stay strong and in moments of weakness read your first post. It has given strength to so many

LB....I went back to Day 1 of your first diary post, and wow what a roller coaster. I just wanted you to know that I will work my way through your diary in the coming days, but I am rooting for you. You will get there..

Julie x

23 days have now past since my last gamble ....

Lots of urges as usual but i now just do anything ..".Anything" to take my mind off it....Be it reading stuff on here, watch a movie or like i did earlier just put on my shoes and went out without any money and went for a walk...Of course i walk past dozens of places where i live while out but with no money on me i just walk straight past them like a normal person...Quite strange really....

Went out got some shopping this afternoon and even though i had a little more money than i normaly would of had if i was still gambling i still found myself buying the same old cheap basic stuff and i came home with more of the same as if i only had a fiver to my name... But i paid all the bills, etc,etc that i needed to pay so that at least is something...

Anyway another day to chalk up... onwards to day 24

Thankyou Katiecoo and Julie35 for your support

Takecare

Hey you 🙂

Those days are going up nicely and the weather is getting better, much nicer to walk in the sunshine 🙂

I do the same with money....I've turned into a meanie and hate spending anything.... never gave it a second thought when I was hitting that deposit button.. until next morning & the despair hit. No more LB, I like waking up without a gambling hangover...You?

Keep making the right choices...

Take care

Mari x

Thankyou sillycow for your reply..

To be honest ..i hate this time of year i prefer the winter months and the dark days and early nights .... i don't like the summer months at all...it all stems from a lack of confidence ..I will go outside my door more in winter than the spring/summer..

On the gambling front i'm holding on ..still not played for 25 days now ..i want to ..really do.... but just for tonight i will not ...

I watch lots of others play on twitch ..have done for over a year now ......Maybe i shouldn't watch others play but surely its better me watching than playing ???? i dunno ....I guess its one of them moments that when watching someone hit a 1500x you wish you were playing yourself ..but then you watch someone blow a £400 deposit and not hit a thing that you really begin to think thats just how my last 100 went in a shop or a bookies down the road ....make no mistake theres only ever going to be one winner ..and its not you or me...

All i can do is move on to the next day ..but i want to spin them reels i really do ....

But its all just mind games... these casinos pay thousands to people that are paid to outwit us and come up with shiny flashing "i'm your friend " games to take us all to the cleaners...

I'm the mug ..no on forced me to do anything ..i hit plenty of big wins over the years ...but is that it ??? is that my life ...??

Well its not my life at the moment because i choose not to do it...

25 days today and counting....

32 days now have past without a gamble..

As i mentioned in my last post i've been watching many other people play recently live on twitch/youtube...Its become the norm for me now to just watch other people play and spin...

Do i wish it was me playing rather than just watching...of course i do ..

Would i like to be the one cashing out £400 from a £100 deposit ..of course..

Am i jealous as f*** when someone i'm watching hits a 1000x stake win or more ....of course i am ...(i'm also thinking why couldn't that be me hitting that???) ..i've had a few of them decent hits myself over many many years of playing but to be honest they were very few and far between...

It also always went back in anyway ..even after a withdrawal ..as soon as it cleared my bank i was redepositing it ...Might be a day later or even 2 or 3 days later ..i remember one day i had deposited £4,800 total in 7 or 8 different deposits one after the other all on the same night ...Was doing my nut , was losing on everything i played and the more i lost the higher my stake went...then i hit a £4300 bonus on thunderstruck 2 ...I still remember it to this day that bonus seemed to go on for ages...i was on another planet that night when i hit that ... (even tho i had put in almost 5 grand on different slots and didn't even get back my losses for that one session i was still so happy and out of it ..i was delighted..even tho i still ended up that day down a few hundred)

It messes with our heads ...really does..

I find myself when i'm watching others play just willing them on to hit something...of course most don't...most just bust out just as i have done in many 100's of deposits...

I don't know really if its a good or bad thing me watching others play...all i do know is though i'd like to be the one pressing the spin button...

But watching someone else lose £500 and not get a game or a bonus, and hit nothing makes me feel bad for the person thats playing but also glad its not me doing it ...In some way i feel very selfish and guilty...

Sometimes i think that just by me watching them spin is bringing them bad luck...But i can't stop watching ..sometimes a few of them do cash out...

I dunno ...

Almost 33 days clean now (11pm here) hours and days always in my head....

Am struggling...

Hi Lb,

I feel very much as you do. Ive always thought that me and you have much in common in how our addicted minds work. I too have watched many a youtube slot video and likewise have become jealous of those big wins. Ive also had a few 4 figure wins... few and far bewteen of course and as you say it always goes back. if not the same day then sometime soon. In reality we just like being in action. Well love being in action. The perfect escape from reality.

Its useful to watch the losing ones as well I find. The other week I watched some poor sod doing £8 spins on some slot game and he did nearly a grand with no feature or decent line hits. The video eneded with a sigh and that was that.... For me the worst i ever did was following a big win I then upped the anti and started doing £100 spins... it all went in 5 mins... crazy mad!

I havent gambled for 6 days and whats currently motivating me to stay stopped is what i did 6 days ago. I walked into a bookies with £200 gambled in 10 mins, went to cash point took out £200 gambled it in 10 mins... went to cash point took out £100 and gambled it in 5 mins..... £500 gone in 30 mins. Very sick and very sad. Am not doing it again. I was banned from the bookies but it made no difference. I went in and did it anyway.

Well done on your gamble free time. Always reading

Thanks SA for your support

Yep i too have many times over the years just walked straight back into a bookies or 24 hour arcade where i had previously self excluded and carried on playing without a word being said...I know the responsibility fulls on us to avoid these places at the end of the day but i also find the self excluding stuff is often pointless and i feel its just another gimick used by these muti million pound companies to go on and on about how they promote safe and sensible gambling.....(yeah right) ...They just want our money...

Day 37 today without a gamble.... As usual plenty of urges, even dreaming sometimes that i'm playing, all crazy stuff... Have been here before many many times so i'm trying to stay positive and keep going forward...Often people say the longer you go without it, the easier it then gets... I think in a way i'm the opposite as with me i find that as i begin to forget about my last loss and things begin to get a little better thats when i tend to go nuts and for some reason go and do it all over again.... Anyway i'm keeping myself in check and reminding myself daily of just how c**P my life has been whilst gambling....Not that an awful lot else has changed mind, because my life at present is just one big disaster but i do know that gambling would only make matters far worse....So just one thing at a time...Just small steps..

One thing i have noticed though is i do already have a more money in my pocket and the fridge is probably wondering just what the hell is going on as its not been this full for a while now..But i go a bit over the top with things like buying 6 tubs of flora at a time or 8 bags of twiglets at a time when i see them on offer...I guess in a way its me still thinking i'd best spend it quick while its still in my pocket...But i'm hoping over time i'll change some of them ways...

Anyway its another day today ...Another day when i will not gamble

Been having a good read the last couple of hours...Its good to read the diaries of many that are now moving onwards with there lives without this addiction...To me it shows that it can be done ....

44 days for me today...still moving forwards a day at a time...

Stay strong everyone...

Hi LB - I am the parent of a young gambler so have been reading your posts with interest because all that you have been through is so familiar to me. The borrowing of money, loans, using up wages, the incredible stress, the feelings of rock bottom. We have witnessed all those things you have been through and as a parent it is heartbreaking to watch. The worst thing is the low esteem/confidence levels and how to get that back on a higher level. However I can see you really are trying hard to get back on track and you should be proud of getting to 44 days. It proves it can be done, hard work I know, but it can be done. In our case the steps that were taken were obviously coming on here which has been a godsend, self-excusion advice from gamcare, taking over and monitering finances (that has been such a deterrent), us not giving or lending money to bail out, cutting down on alcohol which we discovered was a real catalyst for placing those bets, online etc. It helps if someone at home shares the problem wih you so they can help with moral support, finance. Also once the secret is out it makes it more difficult to gamble. It has not been an easy ride but there seems to be a light at the end of the tunnel now. Life will never quite be the same but quality of life is improving. I am never sure if anyone wants to listen to a parent but there is always a small chance it may help. Hopefully you will have many more gfree days and hope you keep posting and reading diaries on here. Take care and good luck.

Day 48 today without a gamble of any kind..

Plenty of urges to just go take a walk or get on a bus/tube and go play somewhere ...Am glad though a few hours later or the next day that i've not given in and gone and blown it all, all over again..So i'm still hanging in there am confident that for at least today i will not gamble and i'll just take it from there..a day at a time...

Hi and thanks for your post Gamparentanon....Yep this addiction destroys everything...Ruins lives and takes everything away from us all... Its good to read a little about your story and how things with your family (who has suffered with this too) are slowly now improving..I guess having family around must be a great help as you said and i wish you and your son/daughter and all your family all the very best in moving onwards..

I've many times over the years often wondered if it would of helped me having some kind of family around..Just maybe a bit of that support etc..etc.. I'm not saying that things would be any different at all though , but i have many times wondered if things may have taken a different path...I guess we all do that in some respect with the various things going on in our lives...At the end of the day its just up to us to try and deal with these things the best we can with whatever we have availible....

Anyway just a short update, been having a read because once again i just cannot sleep (insomniac me)..

Takecare

Day 52

Been up all night not yet slept watched the football earlier and been drinking non stop since ..

Went out a couple of times during the night and got more to drink and really wanted to walk into one of the 24 hour arcades on my doorstep and play ...But i didnt so i'll be over the moon later when i read this back ....

Bring on the hangover ..cost me 20 quid ..whats that 10 mins gambling...

Morning...

Very very happy this morning ..Its the early hours yet again....My football team that i've followed all my life has won the league title yet again (with 2 games still left to play)...I'm over the moon...am really feeling on top of the world...

From the late 80's all through to the mid 90's i was a season ticket holder went to every home game.(live less than 10 min walk from my front door to the ground).....Since them days though with my shifts in different jobs i often had to record the matches and watch them when i got home in the early hours of the morning ....Last night though i watched the match again on a live stream as i have done many of the games these last few seasons and i was over the moon that we have won the league title yet again..

So i'm buzzing now ..feeling really good just for once and guess what i suddenly want to go and do..

Yep go and play the slots...I really wanna go and press that button somewhere and gamble...

Why am i even thinking of doing that if i'm at last having a good day and i'm just feeling happy for once??

I've not gambled a penny for almost 2 months now and the football was great ...( and yes i'm having a good old drink to celebrate too) ..Yet i now still just want to go press some flashing button ...

Times have been very tough .are still tough....have been for a long while now with the various c**P going on in my life but i can honestly say that all my bill repayments that i have needed to pay are all up to date .I still owe a fortune but i'm on track with all my repayments..i have a fridge and a freezer full of food....I've brought my tobacco and have a good few still left to drink ...I have all the things i need and because of me not gambling for almost 2 months and i still have around £90 quid that i really wouldn't miss..

£90 quid in the "old days " wouldn't of lasted me 10 mins ...I think of those many days of 10 quid or more a spin and blowing through 5 or 6 grand in just 3 hours of playing time..

All them kinda bets i used to do were online .... All them sites are all blocked now ..I could never lose 5 or 6 grand playing in some local arcade ..max spins were £2 a go ...i did many times lose a grand or more in a day in some high street shop chasing a £500 pound jackpot on £2 a spin...But them days are long gone...

I dunno ..it makes your mind go loopy sometimes it really does...sometimes i actualy think was that me that done all that ?....it messes with your head..it really does... I want to get on a nightbus go 20 mins up the road and just walk into some high street arcade with my £90 and play a fruit machine...

I'm watching 2 seperate people play live on twitch right now while i write this here ...both are doing there nut losing badly and saying all the same stuff that i would come out with when the slots are just taking taking taking....i know just how they feel...

Deep down in my addicted head i say to myself nowdays whenever i get the urge to play again just why do i feel the need to put myself back into all this c**P all over again...?? I sometimes can't make any sense of it at all....

(almost an hour typing nothing later)

Both the people i have been watching have both busted out..cursing the casinos etc etc... like i used to do now and again... i know how they feel ..i know that feeling...

Maybe its fate or something..maybe its not ..Maybe tonight could of been my night..I think i'l be chuffed to bits to still have my £90 tomorrow when i wake up ..

today saturday the 13th may is my 59th day of not gambling

Good stuff Lb! 🙂