Lostsouls diary

Been a couple of weeks since I updated, this is not due to any relapse I have just been focusing on keeping busy and getting things sorted.

I am happy to report it's now been over a month since I last gambled, and I still have no urge to do so.

I have been working hard on being a better person and getting my life in order, I have sent off all my paperwork and documents for my bankruptcy. I have also really started to look after myself, I'm exercising, eating better and sleeping better. Healthy body healthy mind as that say. Probably in the best shape of my adult life.

Still not sure if my wife is willing to try and forgive me so we can move forward. We seemed to get a little better but have since drifted back apart. This is to be expected I will just keep bettering myself for myself,m wife and our beautiful children.

I will endeavour to keep this diary updated at least once a week from now on. 

ofay 33

6 weeks now gamble free.

Still pretty up and down emotionally and unsure what the future holds. As ever we have better days and worse days, Just going to keep going trying to improve myself.

Started to do a little jogging, healthy body healthy mind as they say. 

Have started the CBT from this website and will continue to do everything I can to prove im worth keeping within the family.

Untill next week

Hi Lost,

Trust me you're heading in the right direction. My first bet was in 1970 aged 15, last bet 9th August 2018. Unbelievable i know but 48 years of being a CG. I've seen all the emotional ups & downs of recovery. Is it easy HELL NO. Is it worth while YOU BET don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Looking in the mirror & seeing what your addiction has made you paints an ugly picture so we have 2 choices. Continue or be better i think you know the answer. You're doing good, don't ruin what you've achieved so far & remember recovery is a LIFETIME  commitment.

Keep Going

AL

Thanks Al for your kind words.

7 weeks gamble free now, proud of this fact  and proud of the many changes I have made  in my life to better myself.

Not so proud of the fact I still have not managed  to be as good a dad as I want and as my kids deserve.

This has caused me some emotional bumps this week but thankfully I have not even thought about turning back to the dark side, only to find new ways to better myself

Wrote my wife a letter  that hsd my heart and soul laid bare, she said it was s lovely letter and did also say she wanted to try and make it work. Very happy about this but I know I need to keep doing what I'm doing and be the best man I can be.

Started the online CBT course from this site, hopefully this will continue  to aid my recovery.

Untill next week 

Lostsouls 

Hi Lost,

You're not a bad dad you're a good one. Good dads seek help & realise the power of addiction, bad ones just follow the belief that things will turn out ok if we just wait for the BIG WIN that's never coming. Keep going my friend and as every GF day passes life will become better. Your wife wants to make it work ?. What better incentive is there, you're making fantastic progress so stay focused & keep doing what you're doing.

Sincere Best Wishes

AL

Hi Lonely,

I meant you're a good dad & husband

AL

Thanks again Al

8 weeks  GF

I feel like a terrible  dad and husband, I was holding on to try and make back my losses. 

Up and down again this week, still communicating  with my wife but she still needs more time and space and I don't know what she will eventually decide to do.

CBT seems to be going well and I can't wait to speak to my therapist on Wednesday, maybe she can shed some light on my gambling problem, I know it's problem gambling as it's caused lots of problems but I'm still to have any urge to gamble again and think could easily  go the rest of my life without even thinking about it. Naive? It just dosnt seem like any other addiction, seems to easy to kick.

Untill next week 

9 weeks GF

Still no urge to gamble 

Been a rollercoaster  week. Was so low on Sunday (fathers day) as I'm sure many of us were. Just fell useless and a massive failier to those I should be protecting.

Carried on my CBT and had a good chat with my tutor. She wants me to get in contact with another team to try and work through some differnt emotional problems,  the future is so uncertain  at the moment that I'm struggling with the not knowing as well as the negative emotions connected with all of this.

Bancruptcy  could be through on the next couple of weeks but I will almost certainly get a B.R.O on top of this.

Hopefully this might be the start of things starting to get back on track.

Untill next week 

Don't give up lostsouls keep on going. I'm hoping for some better times for you with best wishes for the future.

Lost soul keep yourself positive,  I know it's easier said than done but we've all had the day's we want to forget. What is the cbt group like as I start mine on the 30th of this month I'm just struggling trying to get zoom on my tablet. I'm willing to take what ever help I can get at the moment as it was years ago I did this and at the time it was for alcohol and it worked I'm just worried about being on the screen I don't really like things like this with other people but if it helps I'll do anything 

Thanks again everyone for checking an an for all your support

Hi Kev, I'm sorry I can't really help with that. My CBT course is all online and then a weekly catchup with my tutor on the phone. Wish you well in getting it set up and hope that it helps you with what you need. 

Thanks lostsoul 

I start mine tomorrow on zoom and I just don't know what it's going to be like as I'm not great at being on a screen I am putting off trying to set it all up again as I thought I sorted it for a meeting a couple of weeks back and then it never worked when my meeting started it's all alien to me, will let you know how I go

Little bit of a milestone 10 weeks GF.

Have started to feel a little more positive on the whole. Think this is mainly due to speaking to two separate but good councelers. Have started to look at things in a slightly different way. 

Also thanks for all the support  on here especially  when I was really low the other week, really helped me through a hard time.

Anyway  hopefully this might be the start of better times I can as ever only do my best and try and be A husband and farther  worth having around.

Untill next week 

Every day you seem a tiny little bit less lost. Keep up the great work on your recovery. You might have to re-name yourself as you come out of this hole. Slowly but surely my friend.

Thanks bit it doesn't  really seem like it today.

I have been in a bit of a better headspace this last week on the whole, however 1 small thing seems to be dragging my whole mental sstate town the drain, trying to stay positive and not read to much into it but it's hard. 

Speaking to my councelers tomorrow so hopefully that will help