Lostsouls diary

Hi, @charlieboy thanks as always  for you kind and wise words.

Its striking the parallels that our stories have, but as you well know everyone's situation is unique.

I am very glad that I can now think more clearly and not be so ruled by my mental state.

I hope you are doing OK  and thank you again for your continued  support.

334 Days GF

Approaching 1 full year but things are still feel stagnant at home.

Seems like I just repeat myself a lot here but it helps me prosses things so hear we go again.

While we still seem to get along OK we don't talk all that much about us and my wife says that she dosnt want to drag up raw emotions and I understand that totally. It seems to me that after some reading this approch can work to rebuild a marriage but it needs to be accompanied by appreciating each other and enjoying each other. Or we need to go down the other route and face it head on. I'm happy to go either way. Whatever works best for my beloved wife, however she dosnt really want to do either with conviction.

She had a rough time around our anniversary again totally understandable but I would like to use theses days to reconnect and build new happy memories.
Early on in this prosses I learnd that it is actions and not words that show your continued commitment to making things work. She says wants it to work and loves me but won't do anything about it
Maybe things will get better after the first year when its not the first time for such days and bankruptcy has finished (hopefully time being a great healer will apply to us). Not sure how much she thinks about my bankruptcy but I'm nearly 3/4 of the year done now.

She says that she loves me and that its her emotional response to the situation and the complex nature of emotions that is why we are where we are at, if that makes sense. That being said I have tried repeatedly to encourage her to get some help from counselors, doctors but my words fall on deaf ears and I don't want to turn into a nag. I'll just have to wait until she might think its a good idea herself.

Of course I'm sorry for the mistakes I have made and I know sorry dosnt make things right but I can't change the past only look to make the future better.
Would love that to be with wife but seems increasingly unlikely. Will just stick it out for as long as I can untill she decides she wants to pro actively do something to save our marriage or she finally decides we would be better off without each other and we separate.

One thing thats be repeatedly pressed upon me by the members hear and my counselors is about looking out for my own happiness, and I think I'm know at the point where I have to agree. I can't spend the rest of my life using so much of my mental recourses hoping wishing trying to figure out a ways to make our relationship better again,  it takes two to tango. Of course this does not mean I will give up on trying to save our relationship, for mine and the kids sake I need to have a happy and fulfilling life I'm just sad it looks like it might not be with my beautiful wife.

I know I hurt her and I have done wrong but I'm not a serial screw up and I have changed my behavior and cut out the problem first time with no relapse. Apparently even this dosnt seem enough to make it worth while trying to work at our marriage. She wanted to get married for years and I resisted because I wanted to make absolutely sure its what I wanted and that once we did that I would stand by her forever no matter what. Its Increasingly obvious that she dosnt feel the same.
We have a beautiful family together have shared lots of great years, have the same outlook on life and share the same dreams. Surely that's a relationship worth fighting for. I know I f****d up big time but I was gripped by a compulsory disorder that had controll over me. In sickness and in health hmmm.

I'll just keep ploding on and do my best to make my kids happy, myself happy and my wife happy until she decides our fate.

Actually while typing this out I have decided that I am going to pit my wedding ring back on, as a show of my commitment. I took it off a while back as it felt silly for me to ware mine if she wasn't waring hers. I don't expect her to put hers on, but it would be a nice thing to see if what she says about loving me and wanting us to work out is actually true. A man can dream.

Until next time

Hey lostsouls, I'm glad you posted and said how you feel it doesn't matter if it's about the same things it's the things that are most important to you. I enjoy reading your posts and I really see a bit of a turning point for you. You are starting to acknowledge that it's not all about how your wife feels...and I don't mean that in a derogatory way....You are important too. Ive done a lot of thinking over the past 10 months and changing how I treat myself I'm not putting myself last on the list anymore. Like yourself I fully acknowledge that I messed up big time and I will always be sorry but am I going to beat myself up for the rest of my life.....hell NO !! The bit I really liked in your post is where you said about " in sickness and in health " when I challenged my husband with that after a bitter argument it really hit home to him especially when I pointed out things that I had stuck by him through. I must admit we have both benefited from some soul searching.....to err is human right ? Actions are what count showing that we can work hard and stay gamble free, it's amazing that you are 3/4 through the bankruptcy already better times are coming your way and lost souls grab those better days and be happy !! Let's keep going we are both doing great !!

Hi @Charlieboy

Thanks again for dropping in and reading. Even though we have never met it feels like you are always hear holding my hand. That has me me realise that I have relied upon your kind words and support for so long  but its all been one way.  I apologies and have had a read through your diary. To much for me to comment on it all but its been quite a year for us both hasn't it. Couple of things I would like to pick up on though. 

Sorry to hear that you had a rough  time a few weeks ago but so glad you managed to make it out the other side unscathed. Almost 300 days now well done indeed!

It does help a lot to have something that you enjoy for yourself and that gives you a sense  of accomplishment and self worth. I hope you find something you can really enjoy and put your energy into. 

Keep making good choices you are doing great. Thanks again.

Untill next time