Martins recovery diary

DAY 24

Had some gambling urges today I think was mainly set off by worrying about Amanda and her hospital visit , you’d think with something like that happening gambling would be no where in my mind but nope it was there in my brain trying to get me to want to bet on something , anything . But I can proudly say once again that despite wanting too, if I’m being honest . I am still gamble free. ?

Amandas hospital appointment went well I went with her and it’s not as bad as I was fearing, she is signed off work for a week now but I’m just glad she’s at home and not admitted into hospital.

Bailey has been bought puppy pyjamas by Amanda and today they arrived I don’t know how impressed he is but they definitely look cute on him. I wish I could upload a photo onto here but I can’t see how unfortunately.

My gambling previously has always been triggered by emotions for years now wether it’s anger worry stress or anything like that , so even though I thought of gambling today because I was worrying I’m glad I didn’t cave in . I did bite my nails down to the core pretty much but I’d rather do that than gamble. One day I will stop the nail biting too but for now concentrating on the no gambling. 

Thankyou to everyone on this site too. I highly doubt I would of even got this far without reading posts, forum threads, and other people’s great advice too to keep me motivated. ?

Oh Martin. I read your entries every day.

You are having a bad time of it. Just try to keep strong. Your doing amazing pal. 

Things can only get better. 

Hope Amanda gets well soon. X

Thankyou it means a lot , your doing amazing too!

I did have a blip on day 11, very silly. But not wanted to or thought about it since. Keep going pal. X

DAY 25

A good day today with the nation league semi final I thought about gambling again but I didn’t have any real serious thoughts just small little niggles , I didn’t anyway despite having little horrible annoying niggly urges. 

I really wish all urges would just go away but I understand that they will probably be there years but I am learning to deal with them now something I couldn’t do before.

Still gamble free, still proud of myself.

DAY 26

urges seem to vary from day to day , my emotions and moods seem to vary from day to day. One minute I can be fine the next I can be almost a totally different person . It’s like my moods are on a yo-yo string that I can’t control and is just all over the place...

I don’t know if this is because it’s the toll of all that’s gone on the last couple weeks but whatever it is I don’t like it . Today I nearly gave in to gambling I probably could of but I didn’t . Through will power and distracting myself I managed not too .

Amanda finds it hard to understand and I find it hard to explain. I don’t think unless someone suffers with this they can ever fully understand . 

I don’t know I just wish that my moods would level out I hate being all over the place and feeling like my brains mush.

not a good day really but still gamble free and still determined 

DAY 27/28

It has been a good weekend after having a struggle on Friday , I’ve just out right avoided watching sports this weekend even including the England nations league games which has made things easier. Its coming up to a month gamble free soon and I would be lieing if I said it’s been easy as it’s definitely not been . The benefits of not gambling are definitely worth the struggle though.

DAY 29/30

Has been a good couple of days we finally got to find out what redundancy we’re going to get at work today so I feel I can plan which makes me feel more assured and less restless now. 

Amanda saw the spice girls and loved it while bailey has been hating walks in this horrible rain.

all in all not a great deal to say but all is well, all is good.

bring on tomorrow 

DAY 31

have made it too a month and feel really good for it , I still have as much motivation as at the start of this to not give in and not gamble again , of course it’s been tough to now and will get tougher before it starts getting easier but to get to one month is a massive step in the right direction so I’ve got to keep it up!

Hi Martin 🙂   

Huge congrat's on reaching your first month gamble free buddy and I'm really made up for you , you've set your foundation in place to build upon and should be so proud of yourself my friend . 

Keep on pushing forward with your new future and we'll all be there to walk alongside you 🙂 

Best wishes to you all 🙂 

Alan  

Thankyou it’s only with the help of this site I’ve managed to do so well so far , literally on here a couple hrs a day reading different peoples posts ?

I’ve made it too day 34, so still going well gotta feeling it’s gonna be tough this week though as it’s Amandas nans funeral on Wednesday . Hoping that after Wednesday things will start getting a lot more normal again. I know this probably sounds really horrible of me probably but I’m just not looking forward to it but then again who would look forward to it ...

Even though the weather has been awful lately too I’ve been taking Bailey out for long long walks which is still keeping me chilled. I really do find walking with him off the lead in big fields therapeutic . Think this journey would be a whole lot tougher without Bailey .

I try to keep writing here as much as I can as it helps me a lot but may do fewer posts this week just with all that’s going on.

making a promise to myself though that I will keep writing in here and at no point can I think “I don’t need to write there anymore” as complacentcy will ultimately lead to failure. Keeping the no gambling vibes rolling!

DAY 35

I watched soccer aid tonight which was really good it’s nice to begin enjoying sport again without the added pressure of having a bet riding on it. Can’t even think how many times I’ve watched football and had money on the result , far far to many times. Today was nice though not having money on it and just enjoying it , like I used to years before gambling 

DAY 37

its been good the last couple of days everything is still going well . It’s a hard day today now though as it’s going to be Amanda’s nans funeral in the morning , it seems to of taken along time to come around but yeah not going to be nice at all.

as I’ve mentioned before I usually get triggered by emotions but I don’t fear that this time as I know I just can’t gamble now , not at all 

DAY 39

The funeral all went well yesterday although it was very sad. The church service did hit a chord with me though I mean I’m not religious at all but the vicar was saying in life we all need to be kinder to each other by starting with ourselves and think how we behave affects people. I mean over the years my actions with gambling have made me horrible at times. The way I behave when gamble free is just like so different where there’s no mood swings or anything , it’s made me think even more how much I don’t want to gamble anymore as I don’t want to hurt Amanda and our families anymore.

its been really strange too because obviously the funeral was yesterday and then today has been my birthday a very very strange combo within a 48hr period. Today has been nice too with our families and of course bailey.

these 39 days have so far made me appreciate everything far more and I feel like I’m actually taking life in again rather than letting it pass by me , it’s a nice feeling. Gonna keep going and going and going!

Hey Martin .

I'm glad everything went as well as it could , It's about saying goodbye and paying our respect's but they always live on in our heart's and mind's . 

It does make you think how precious life is and you do begin to realise how much time we've wasted too addiction because life's so short . 

A bittersweet couple of day's for you my friend with your birthday and all today ( many happy return's by the way ) , I had a similar thing happen when I was younger , my dad passed away quite young just before I was due to marry and as fate would dictate we had his funeral on the Friday and my wedding on the Saturday which was difficult to say the least so you have my empathy with that one buddy . 

Wishing you all well and keep looking after one another :)) 

ps Almost forgot to say well done on 39 days of winning for real :)) 

Yeah Thankyou it was very bitter sweet in fairness though I wasn’t bothered about my birthday I mean who wants to turn 28? , and Thankyou for sure the GF days are the best present to myself 🙂 hope your doing well too Alan!