I have been on and off a gambler since 16, now 44 and still doing the online roulette.
Had massive debt from gambling and addiction but sorted that out a couple years ago. Still have no money despite having a job albeit low paid like millions of the population.
Had thought I was in control and could still gamble with the debt wiped out but fooled myself. A couple lucky streaks initially has turned into one hell of a losing one on online roulette. Managed to time out myself from online website for a few weeks so losses were controllable but went back for more punishment.
On 14 August I waited to be paid in early hours after a timeout had finished. In a few hours my month's wages had vanished. Just ВЈ4 left out of about ВЈ1k. Started with just a £20 deposit. Evolution live roulette as usual.
Well never again. Do I believe myself this time? I have permanently self excluded. I also have joined the Gamstop program, so I can't join up many others. Already have been self excluded from most.
Don't get paid for another month so feel sore. Bills were paid but more coming up before pay day so will be a struggle. I also do not want to let an older relative know what has happened because it could really upset them. They thought I was paying a credit card back , so accepting me not helping out more with housekeeping bills.
Of course I deceived them . Credit card was paid off and have been using all my spare money for gambling over last couple months. Gambling addiction is very deceptive.
Need to get back on track and pay my way and remember how worthless gambling makes me feel. Despite the highs we have all experienced when winning . Catastrophic losses always follow and outweigh the wins.
I had to go into work on payday and act like nothing happened at home knowing all my wages were already spent . I am probably selling something which may help keep me afloat this month. But what I must remember is that I am always better off not gambling emotionally and financially.
Strangely I joined last time years back almost the same day of the year 13/09
Despite long periods of
Stopping gambling it is frightening I am still doing this some 4 years later. The adverts everywhere especially on TV do not help
I look forward to seeing my gamble free days clock up.
Awayout2
Good luck my friend. Sounds like you have been blessed with a huge amount of perspective despite being hit by this horrible affliction once again. Really sorry to hear what you have been through.
I hear you completely about being better financially and emotionally through not gambling. Life is for living not stumbling around like a stressed out, depressed zombie. I relate to how you are feeling right now... Perhaps take solace in the fact that you fought back before and conquered. You will do it again. I know the light seems far away right now but from what youve posted I believe you will reach it again. Good luck and stay strong.
Feeling a tad better today. Thanks for reply Signalman. Read your diary also, all the best in your recovery. Felt really tired and low from this latest episode.
Manager at work noticed I looked tired but I did not divulge the real reasons! If only they knew. Gamblers look untrustworthy and I could lose my job if they found out as I work handling money.
Have kept myself busy working the weekend. One day off the next seven days so although tired it keeps my mind off things. Have felt snappy and some coworkers and customers have been irritating but at least I can't gamble.
Felt I was going to buy a lottery ticket but then remembered the gutting feeling from losing and the fact resources are now so low, almost none existent. So stopped myself. Had to buy chocolate though.
Your right was feeling like the walking dead zombie after the losing gambling episode. I must try to remember how low gambling keeps making me feel lately.
Still to catch up with the 'money' situation and survive this month with little from whatever I can do from scrimping and make a little extra money selling etc. In order to pay bills early next month. It's quite scary not having any financial back up for a rainy day. All I have is a small pension pot I can't touch. If I could have it would have been gambled away by now.
Nothing is as bad as it was years ago with the level of debt , o/d credit cards etc loans as I have a plan in place , but the last relapse was a wake up call that I can't trust myself even with a lower level of debt to gamble.
I remember going several times a whole year not even being able to afford a packet of crisps or spending a quid when things were really bad in the grip of addiction.
This is what it reminds me of again. I have spent my whole months wages a few times this year. It used to be every month when the pay check hit.
My energy levels have been slowly returning. I have no money to socialise so am going to make excuses why I can't go out.
Need to find some pennies for essentials from loose change and take one day at a time.
That's all we can do.
Awayout2
Its a knock for six when it happens that's for sure. Please don't let it beat you though. Every day create another small reason for living and being the best person you can be... How you create that is up to you. Good luck mate.
Finally have been able to log on back the site after a few weeks with the IT issues.
Have to say I have not fallen off the wagon although little money to bet with even if I wanted to. Most bills nearly paid and I have the blocks in place.
Have been feeling a little better since the relapse, good weather helping.
At work things have been tough and I have to deal with very unfriendly bordering on insulting/rude management/supervisors but better able to cope at the moment.
Do not enjoy working Weekends but doing most of them, while some people hardly do any. Saturdays particularly stressful
One day at a time is the best strategy.
Awayout
Things looking up. A sunny day. The dust is clearing from my eyes after not gambling for 26 days.
Will be getting paid soon so can move on after last pay day relapse.
All blocks in place.
When I stop gambling it is quite hard as I see the wood for the trees and the damage if has done in my life.
I have been gambling in some shape of form since about 16. Longer if I count the arcades at the fair and seaside. I am now 44.
I should be comfortably off having been at home with a parent and paying very little for rent housekeeping.
Instead I am living one month to the next with very little set aside for emergencies.
I must change my life and take responsibility and look for a better job and rebuild my self-esteem.
Gambling addiction has robbed me of so much more than money, damaging relationships etc.
The worst memory is gambling in the year my father died when I should have spent more time in contact with him, although he was ill and quite far away to travel to . The guilt is always there.
All I can do is live this day better than the last.
Awayout2
Congratulations on 26 days.
Keep it up !
Glad to say I am keeping it up. Blocks in place really helpful.
Must not be complacent though.
I have a lot of life clutter to clear up. So will slowly try to sort it out.
Even now I find cannot concentrate like I used to. I have a short concentrate span and I think this is partly due to the damage by the addiction.
I used to feel very creative and that creativity has dwindled buy maybe that is partly due to just getting older.
My home space is a mess but I think I can slowly change things.
Awayout2
Here we are at the end of October 2018.
Glad to say things are going well.
Gamstop has been a Godsend and I gave not even attempted to open any new accounts.
For the first time in years I have been sensible with some spare money putting a bit away for a rainy day
Like many people finances are shot to pieces with years of problem gambling. The big win never came.
Now I can think straight about my future. I have very few assets but at least I am not giving away what little I have to gambling companies who prey on hopes, dreams and the vulnerable.
Despite being on a low wage at least I can put away a little for my old age. Something I could never even contemplate when gambling.
I am mid 40s so just praying there is time to recover things when I am way behind financially where I would have wanted to be. Not only financially but to recover things emotionally.
So little to show for my years of work although I have never worked long full time. It was mainly going on gambling and servicing gambling debt loans and credit cards anyway.
I feel I have finally turned a corner for the best.
Here's to onwards and upwards, but one day at a time without gambling and a happy 2019.
Awayout2
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