Metamorphosis

Hey DF

Glad you're back safe ans sound...yeah ...I'm still arguing with my ex ex after 25 yrs...lol ...

I think the words "ok in small doses spring to mind " ..lol or at least diluted company to give the illusion of harmony..

My freedom also is bespoke ...so I know what you mean by that one..

Back to real chocolate and things without cheese ...

R and D xxx

Feeling like my wings have been clipped and rolling around on the ground trying to take flight. My mind in a different place and time than my body and struggling to accept this but will not use an as an excuse to go on a spending spree to hide away.

Need to resolve many things after returning home but have no energy or inclination to do anything at the moment.

Sad with myself that I am so ungrateful when I have so much but struggle with loss in any form as so much is out of my control to change.

Strangely both my mother and ex said to me in the past few days that ' life's a b**** and then you die' but there has to be more to it than that surely or am I fooling myself yet again.

Going to make changes to my thinking process and actions as I have everything I ever wanted but need peace of mind to complete the picture.

As always want to thank others for their support and also their honesty in their own diaries.

Hey Hun..

My battreie running low so back later ...in the meantime here's one to put you on...

Words say it all even if artiste is not your usual tipple xx

Back soon....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qRWtPfZ4j2E&sns=em

Hey DF

Not sure exactly how you feel as words can be so limiting but maybe seeing how it all could have been but having to deal with how it is? ,..not sure of that rings true for you ...

I don't mean only specific people but just a general feeling ..

Have a touch of nostalgia too and also accompanied with guilt whereby things are definately looking up compared to this time last year but my feelings have not caught up yet....I'm faking it til I make it...doing the gratitude bit it can't help thinking this is not how it was meant to be..

As they used to say in my group...we may not always get what we want but we always get what we need...not much comfort i know but sometimes wonder if the" point" will be revealed soon...feels a bit better washed down with some sourdough bread and cheese and a glass of red...Inspired by the French for my lunch..

You are so right about not needing to resort to old habits..I'm having a duvet day...snugged up and watching Hitchcock classics ....always feel better in a different era ..time travelling again to keep me sane .

Your not alone xxx

R and D xx

Hi DF

Its lovely to have you back from holiday. I often find, that after a break I'm "out of sorts" and find it hard to settle again- it can be an opportunity to have a rethink about how we want life to be.

I had a wee chat with the McKenneth family today- haven't seen them for ages and they reappeared with a cygnet (they weren't very impressed with Paddy hovering close by, so I didn't linger!)

Take care

Irene

x

Thanks Rach and Irene but well and truly in the doldrums for a couple of days.

My ex I travelled France and Spain with is a complex character, a Gemini and I travelled with both twins, no easy task. We have an unusual fragile relationship and he is nursing cancer so since returning he has once again shut me out and my witty, caring friend is beyond reach again. The loss when this happens each time is unbearable as we have been so close at times this last month that he almost reads my mind at times. I know I take this risk but it is worth it so I now need to work through the pain without succumbing to any demons. Inertia set in but I am back at work tomorrow and have insurance claims to make and much more so need to shake the apathy loose and begin to find ways to live again - metamorphosis.

I have no excuse, the river is beautiful in the sunlight and I have friends and family, I just want the freedom of the past weeks and have to accept the things I cannot change.

Wishes and happiness

Hey DF

Can relate there to what your saying ...and when I say stuff about me not being able to handle others schizophrenia even as a result of illness , I mean that in its literal way not its medical term..

Always reacting to others moods and either adjusting, hurting or feeling rejected..it also involves those on the receiving end as you are to also be able to switch at short notice and always reserve something back for ourselves other wise we get enmeshed and when the person retreats its feeling the rejection all over again.

This is how I felt ,exactly like you are saying now when my ex gambled and I can see now the cyclical nature of this codep stuff so much more ..the only difference was I didn't have a retreat to go into myself so I took to physical hiding and lying as to my whereabouts to buy more time to isolate...

Being on this site has been very healing for me especially when I read about the emotional / escape gamblers as your post there is exactly how I would feel and it makes me understand why you would retreat into your own "demons" as you call them......

Thank you for helping me understand DF and I hope you know you are never alone on here even when you feel least like posting or talking....life sometimes gets in the way of us being most human which is why I always think that on this site we are probably more known to strangers than to people we are closest to in real 3d life.

R and D xxxx

Thanks Rach, it is a good feeling to know others understand and each have their own way of coping.

My head has finally joined my body after my flight of fancy abroad although part of my soul remains wandering the Pyrenees.

Spending sprees have had no part in my thoughts for the past six weeks which proves I need to make important changes in my life once again.

Back at work this week and stressful as let down by others but a pay rise and promotion soften the blow.

These youngsters I support, some from countries where I would have been imprisoned or killed for my beliefs and free lifestyle as a woman, make me daily grateful for the opportunities I have had and even more determined not to waste them.

Spent yesterday with a friend whose sister just bought a house for two and a half million, how can anyone need to spend that for one person to live in - it truly is a mad mad mad world.

Sad so many young people on here as life has so much to offer.

Hospital in the week but after last injection pain clinic not much help, can walk now so the months in bed last year were worthwhile and can drive as well so all the freedom I need. Just mind over matter pain wise.

Not able to express my thoughts very clearly as know they will offend so just using my diary to note I am winning the battle for today and wish everyone well.

Hi DF

Thanks for the support (I think we were posting simultaneously)

You are indeed winning the battle DF. I still find your posts some of the most descriptive on this site- I remember remarking on that before. I usually know exactly what you're conveying when you post and you give a beautiful insight into your life.

Congrats on the pay rise and promotion- hopefully this'll mean a wee leg-up on the financial front for you 🙂

As you know, I also work with people often in distress and chaos- it really does make me thankful for my life and what I've achieved as well as make me wonder at the strength of the human spirit to survive in such circumstances.

You are a wonderful woman with such a strong spirit and you cope with everything thrown your way- keep it up!

Take care

Irene

x

Hey DF

Thank you for posting and a fab tune aswell..

Yep..well grabbing life by the horns as t'were...figure no point in faffing about as wasted way too much time.

Great to see you back in the forum and also now integrated back into this life and dealing with what comes up..

No doubt a piece of you is still in the pyranees..and a traveller at heart. Jack Kerouac style but with style...lol

Keep strong and posting too..

R and D xx

Hi Dragonfly,

I don't want to come across condescending... This cyber communicating can be such risky business...I just want to say that I am always moved by your gratitude in the face of pain and adversity-- you never cease to inspire me. Hope you got the spirit of my intention here. I'm typing this on a tiny iPhone screen and I am getting bug eyed. -joanxxxxx

Thanks Rach and Irene and would never ever think you condescending Joan as I understand what a caring nature you have.

I am sitting watching the stream of people on the opposite bank doing the two day Thames charity walk in the cold drizzle. So much respect for those that are involved in charity work, a colleague went trecking this year up a mountain after having restaurant at home evenings, car boots etc etc and she works full time and has four children - have honestly never heard her say once she is bored - even met up with her at a festival last year, that's what I call living life to the full and other's gain as well as it was for cancer research.

Very sad to speak with yet another neighbour who has throat cancer (he has never even smoked) that is three men all in my lane, scary.

My health is literally S***e at the moment, don't laugh if you are reading this but I even entered France through customs sitting on the motorhome loo, good job they didn't stop us but would have made a good Monty Python sketch.

Couldn't get home from work in Essex on Thursday as ill so stopped at services and they are def my Achilles heel at the moment as demons struck but managed to walk out even which is a major achievement but gutted at loss of control.

Had quote for £20.000 to build my studio last week after initial one last year of £6.000 rip off or what because I live down a lane.

Lots of calls to go out but curling up inside weather methinks.

Think Kenny may have been murdered by a rogue swan as I saw him attacked the other day and he has not re appeared since - I don't do death, can't cope with it at all even when not even human so just hoping still.

Think my ex's OCD must be catching as have just colour coded all the hangers in my wardrobe to clothing colour - get a life or what.

River running fast today after all the rain - wish I had a periscope to look under my boat, did look on e bay but couldn't find anything, would love to see who lives there.

Feeling quite balanced today and seriously thinking about Dunc's 600, must be such a good feeling and the words to Verve song - 'I'm a million different people from one day to the next' which is surely me.

Think I must have been a g***y I a previous life as the wanderlust is sticking with me this time, love the idea of their clothing,dance and passion from days gone by.

Enough for now as thoughts come in fits and bursts these days and often at night when this site seems to be closed as the eternal insomniac.

Just hoping that those finding life not so wonderful are able to remember the times that were and make more good memories real soon.

Thank you so much I've just sobbed to it again,

I am working class girl and hate to sound un educated or a heathen if you would of played opera to me 10 years ago I would of fell asleep.

I have heard the song before bit never really listened , I knew when I listened to it it was a song filled with such deep emotion .

It's amazing what you see and hear when you open your heart and mind something that recovery has gifted me.

Beautiful thank you for taking the time to find the translation.

Take care

Blondie xxx

Hey DF

Did chuckle at your motorhome loo vision..lol ..first smile I've raised all night.

Keeping fingers crossed for the Kens..or Ken specific..

Thank you for posting and its funny about the no expectation as its one of the founding principals of the al anon friends and family group...the saying "an expectation is a predetermined resentment " or something..

I did try to have none of people but even after setting the bar as low as I could I found it just got worse in terms of diminishing returns....I struggle and always will struggle with it.

I don't have fixed goals so much and am not overly fixed on outcomes but I guess I have standards and find them very hard to compromise on...blaming my folks for that ..lol lol

I hope your pain subsides and doesn't get worse in the winter ..I do worry about you a bit on your boat in the winter but I'm sure you are a seasoned seafarer..!!

gonna listen to your and blondes opera ..better than my test card..lol xxx

R and D xx

df

good to see you gifting recovery to yourself.

for that be proud.

Duncs stepping forward never back.