Metamorphosis

Hai Df

Thanks for hooking the rope up, and helping me up from a momentum fall.

Your a top dragonfly with cumbrian roots to boot, be find to yourself and put your needs first.

Thankyou again

Thank you Rach, Duncs Brokensoul and glad you stayed Volcano.

Have pulled my pants up (or should it be socks) and back on target. Drove home a different route yesterday evening to avoid danger zone where

beasties lie in wait to lure you in and arrived home safe.

All building work has ground to a halt and back to square one on my houseboat through absolutely no fault of family, no one can manage the recent pressures they have had.

Surprisingly feel quite excited as now I have a

project to occupy me and as project manager I am in control. Just hope I

can get heating in and both bathrooms fitted before chilly weather sets in.

Have plumber booked for quote on Monday but hate the little old lady bit

where they think they can take the *** which is sad as puts me on the defensive before I start. Will get houseboat sorted then look at studio

plans again early next year so lots to think about and reasons not to *** money away.

Modern day work pressures on people are chronic and hurts to see so many family members damaged this way. Manic at work too and disability issues raise their ugly head yet again as they try to throw the baby out with the

bathwater but in fighting mood and in the union so watch out here I come.

Feel more comfortable with these feelings than the sadness which overwhelmed me recently

Agree with Duncs views and have been self medicating by avoiding site as some of the views sound tome a bit like an alcoholic saying 'just

popping down to the pub for a few pints but no problem' although have to keep dropping by to catch up with those that feel like old friends.

Hair dyed purple again today so just streaks of white to acknowledge the ageing process and colour entering my life again at long last. Looking

forward to taking photos of the autumn hues as my grape vine turns russet.

Just sometimes if I take a step back from this mad world I seem able to see that if I learn to roll with the punches I am going to have some wow days and some magic days in amongst the sad, bad and downright dead days and that for me that is how I function best. I am never going to be a neutral calm balanced person so I need to stop trying to be and enjoy the company of those that are.

This is my diary and I write in a way that is helpful to me and make no apologies for that. If someone should read it and wonder at the lack of references to gambling it is because every part of my daily life is involved in avoiding the beasties therefore the most minute details will be relevant and have an impact on whether I succeed or succumb. Suffice to say I am eternally grateful to those that have offered me so much support and still do.

The river flows by my window and life goes on.

Hey DF ...no way little old lady with that funky purple doo...lol ...

Seriously though ..I know that rip off woman on her own thing re: tradesmen.Got fleeced many a time and jobs dragging out till the end of time but I'm sure you will give me what for when it comes to not taking the pee.

I'm also never going to be a calm and neutral balanced person either so that makes two of us DF but likewise I also get bread and butter stability from those around me who are.

We cant avoid having feelings or emotions can we as if we are sensitive souls it's going to be a life long challenge. I've always struggled with being a square peg in a round hole and I think that we have both channeled that sensitivity to some degree into the type of work we do.

The gambling's the symptom as you know DF ...just as me raging is the symptom of not being able to cope with some things....

We shall have to get our thinking caps on and look at some of the great plusses of being sensitive hey?

Love to the riverbank

R and D xx

You are so right Rach and over the years have been so grateful that I 'suffer ' with being over sensitive as I think we have an insight into some areas in life where others may be blinkered or not wish to see however as with most things in life it then draw in the horrors as well.

My friends son has sent along his gardening friend to help me reduce the tangled jungle I fight through each day to reach my gate and the plumber called last night to give a quote for my heating.

Makes me realise how much I take for granted living here when seeing everything anew through their eyes and how lucky I am. The jungle begins to be tamed and I await a hopefully realistic quote for heating.

Spent yesterday motivated to declutter ready for building work and totally knackered today and in agony. Nearly opted out of work then remembered SA with his no days off forever and managed to hobble in. Now have eight bags for the charity shop something I couldn't have done six months ago as living in the past.

Excited as talking to my lovely gardener about sculpture and hopefully we can create something in keeping with the river when the work is done. Even the plumber likes Gaudi.

So after the quiet sadness I am once again in manic phase needing nothing to occupy my mind other than open house and open garden when the hard work is done. I will not waste a single penny that can be put to use in making my dream come true. I will not. I will not. I will not.

Just wondered if anyone else finding they cannot access site around 1.00am for a couple of hours each night as a mega insomniac struggle with this as often when I need to write. Also actually physically writing difficult too as the words are appearing several seconds after I type them and when I try to correct have to rewrite the whole thing. Don't have problem anywhere else so don't think it's me.

Hey DF

decluttering ditto as that's what I'm doing and also investing finally in a shed ...for the sake of a small amount of cash I should have bought one years ago instead of more jackets and boots. !!!

I know you are sentimental about your things and in a way I was more sentimental...I end up chucking things out to the charity and then re buying them back..sort of reverse charity shop bulimia!

On the internet stuff...I have found I have a dead zone at certain times of night as I can't get a connection but I also have found I start typing and then suddenly the whole script disappears?

Just figured it was GC with their finger pressed down on the edit Rach button...lol

Anyhoo ...sleepy time for me ...up early xx

Hi DF

Just popped by to say "hi". Phew.....you've been a busy wee fly lol. Actually it sounds like you're thriving with all the movement and planning- good for you.

I'm trying to decide my next hair colour which is getting done next week.....mmmmm decisions.

Take care

Irene

x

Thanks Rach and Irene

My thoughts and frame of mind seem to come in phases though I have yet to link with anything except the moon.

Following a manic phase last weekend, this weekend I am mostly being introverted. Literally do not want to speak to anyone but dangerous as I become self engrossed while my mind flits from one thing to another - maybe dragonfly is appropriate.

Friday I was exhausted, Saturday calm and thoughtful, today sad with an underlying anxiety I cannot understand. Plumbers and electricians letting me down so may well be a cold winter chez Dragonfly so maybe about once again having to be responsible for everything in my life. So many reasons why I can't ask for help or others not able to give it.

My lovely gardener coming over tomorrow so effort to be made to normalise my behaviour again as he is very sweet. Life is strange that he earns so much more (he admits he is unskilled and just started this work) than my daughter with her masters degree and years of experience.

Used to belong to a LETS group which worked on an exchange system, plastering in exchange for babysitting etc, shame we can't do that on here as would fill the time for those that get bored and lonely and motivate those that are tempted by the demons to stray.

Realised yesterday that demon in my head was planning a surreptitious visit to the services as I have a visit in another county on Tuesday then received a text from my son saying they are coming over that night as he starts his new job next week so a random save. Now I am left wondering would I have had the strength to resist.

Reduced the amount I can withdraw on my cash card as a precaution then caught out as I couldn't pay for something so mega embarrassed but a red face better than a red bill I guess.

My daughter paid off some more of the house I sold them and money from my mother so does seem harder when money in the bank as so easy to kid myself that spare is for my entertainment - joke - the twenty pounds that turns into a thousand in as many minutes.

River is beautiful today, very calm and peaceful as the trees shed their summer costumes so I will not accept that I wasted the weekend, I just needed to practice searching for my inner peace.

So from one very geriatric hippy to all - peace and balance to you all.

Hi DF and always good to see you on the forum and also sharing your feelings and thoughts at where you are and how you are dealing with things that affect you

Thank you for posting and for understanding . I can understand when people on here talk about the emotional reasons as to why they gamble and what the triggers are and I totally have so much understanding on that ..the controlled gambling I can't cope with as it's too close to where I was .

If my ex and I had been able to have an emotional dialogue other than a lustful or sexual one we would have probably still made it as a couple but I was shut out .

I know you get that as you have that closeness and pull away dynamic in your life too and it feels like being abandoned.

When people talk on here about their emotional frailties and triggers it's as if there is no " side"on the forum and we are all in it together , through good,bad and ugly all supporting and helping each other up the mountain.

Thank you for still seeing where I'm coming from DF xxx

Ps ..yes I have seen Tim M s poetry ...I love him to bits ..ideal man! Lol xx

Yeah guess I too have been looking at change. Got a appointment next week to set up my first checking account. LOL yeah 53 years old and pretty much always dealt in cash and money orders. Hard to teach an old dog new tricks so may not ever get used. LOL

Guess i like to distance myself from folks too. Kinda puts me in a safe haven of sorts, can't hurt or be hurt for that matter.

Yeah i too always seem to find that simple excuse to go gamble. That just one 20 seems to be the most one used. yeah we all know how that ends up and a sure way to get rid of all them bothersome bills. LOL LOL LOL Yup just kinda feels like that too.

Hope your Monday is good to ya.

Boy I don't Know. Quitting smoking seems way easier done than quitting this gambling addiction. And yeah i wouldn't say I'm out of the woods with the smoking either by no means since I'm fighting that urge daily. LOL yeah for whatever reason just seems easier to put down.

Guess if there's that will in us there will always be a way out of this gambling trap. Hope we both find it soon.

Hey DF ..

Where did ya go? Xx

Just wrote something stupid last night that's all Rach which is nothing new I guess.

Had quotes for electric and plumbing over £8.000 today, gardener didn't show and want to screeeeeeam in so much pain so all in all not a good day.

Did venture out to take bags to charity shop and home in one piece without detour to nasties so achieved something as all previous combined are mega trigger for me.

Met friend for coffee and she says it like it is. As an observer she asked lots of pertinent questions about why I make disastrous random decisions in my life especially in relationships and my answers sounded lame even to me.

Also been thinking what I would do if like my friends husband I had three months to live. he is not changing anything and continuing to work each day, normality.

My instinct would be to rob a bank or fly to India or kidnap my grandchildren then I am thinking I could be in a crash driving to Essex tomorrow so why am I not fulfilling my dreams each day. Seriously planning my bucket list now and it doesn't include moronically feeding money into a machine, unless it happens to be a juke box.

Hi Dragonfly,

I hope u r ok, I just wanted 2 send u a hug and say I was thinking of u 🙂

Stay strong xx