Metamorphosis

Thanks Charlotte, so glad to see you back.

Made it home in one piece tonight with beasties screaming in both ears all the way there and all the way back. Cash in my pocket burning a huge hole as well.

Jeez it's f*****g hard work being good.

Well hey sounds like a good night well done. Way to go.

Hey DF,

Being good can be hard, but well worth it for yourself and everyone around you:)

Keep moving forward, every day is different and hopefully better on today, finding yourself in calmer environment and enjoying ur day.

Take care

Sandra x

Wishing ya a happy weekend. Enjoy girl

Thanks Soul and Sandra your thoughts much appreciated.

The never ending story continues.

Feel like a rubber band that has been stretched just too many times and is now perished and that one more stretch may just be the killer one that breaks me.

Still reading on here and often on my way home and when really tempted by the nasties in my ear I compose long diary entries in my head which never reach the screen. They serve their purpose in distracting me and I would have to edit most of them significantly anyway as some of my thoughts would irritate or anger or maybe trigger others. (Having said that I still have issues with diaries offering methods of controlled gambling as if that were possible for many of us there would be no reason to be on here. Much of it is around semantics and it makes no difference to me what label I have branded into my forehead the underlying issues I have to deal with are the same. I do think some entries have an ulterior motive or are very disillusioned but as the facilitators say it's a free speech forum, but then they would wouldn't they).

So having stumbled through a horrendous day on Thursday when every atom in my body wanted to stand mindlessly in front of a machine wasting my hard earned to take away the physical and emotional pain I spent a happy day yesterday with my young gardener/handyman putting the world to rights and my houseboat at the same time.

Life moves on and at times is wonderful and at times is very not and I am finding new and better ways of being me and living in balance in this world a minute at a time.

Kenneth beckons with his family in tow, the sun is shining on the river and for today I can live with my problems and face them full on, today the elastic will not snap.

Strength and happiness to all.

Hell I don't know how them dam mice start taking over my joint. Lol I don't leave doors open either but yeah they don't need much of a opening to get in.

Hope ya find yourself plenty of R&R this weekend and the mind eases a bit. Sometimes we just plain old over think things.

Thank you Dragonfly and hugs big time. I am feeling very thinned skinned these days. I am really trying hard to separate myself from the good the bad and the ugly. Some days it is just plain hard. I am all about abstinence one day at a time but, if I fall down it's about understanding cause and effect and ways to fix it. No more flying too close to the sun or self flagellation for the world to see if I should happen to fall.. I am just seeking peace and balance like everybody else one day at a time. I hope that makes sense. ((((((((DF)))))))))

Thanks DF

And I hope you are proud that you did not succumb and held your resolve when you felt vulnerable ..on the controlled gambling thing , I went off the deep end the first time I encountered it on here but this second time a lot of the anger has gone.

I guess for me that's been cathartic in some way which is selfish I know but it has also made me realise how folks just talking about it in that way may act as a trigger. not wishing to trivialise but perhaps like describing food if a person is hungry. I see that now whereas before I didn't see the connection in that way before and why people chose to not post on the site as much.

I'm Just piecing the jigsaw together and finding some answers that I didn't have before...On the energy poaching stuff I always run/filter it by myself to see if I do XYZ and try and work out why folks sometimes do what they do..

I'm very hurt still by an incident at work last week which to other people may not sound much but to me has spoken volumes and has keyed in to bigger stuff that I have never understood ..

Sometimes no matter how much I try and deny it and think that folks would not do whatever it is, I have to accept this is the case and adjust myself , not require they do.

R and D xx

Hey DF,

Thank you so much for popping in and leaving a kind message:)

Recovery is bespoke, and every day brings different feelings. one day you all right, the next one just about managing to plod along.

Sleep problems? be my guest, i can't remember last time i slept decent hours and have to say from my heart it don't help with this recovery and urges. Especially if i want to put some feels down after midnight, this site is down for couple of hours lol...So just tapping my fingers before it comes back on 🙂

But as Joan says, all we can do is take day at a time and deal with it all in our own way. It is no race and no prize at the end of the journey...simple because there is no end to recovery.I'm afraid the only way forward is by taking day at a time and facing evil in the eye!

Take care now, and wish you calm sleeps when time to bed:)

Sandra x

Hey DF

I can identify so much with your last post. Personally, I can't gamble without losing control so I'm trying not to. I wont "wear a label", or follow an individual programme, instead just fight to stay away from the 1st bet by taking whatever steps I need....its not ruddy easy!

Many of us seem to get thoughts when driving- its a topic we spoke about on "chat" a while ago.....I keep cheesy pop loaded in my CD player and blast that when I start drifting to the "what ifs". Anyone driving alongside must thing I'm potty- a tone deaf middle aged woman singing at the top of her voice (little do they know, its actually keeping me sane).

Oh DF....apologies....I've hogged your page!

Anyhow, needless to say, I think you're doing brilliantly.

Take care

Irene

x

A rubber band bouncing back to life....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=85wZw1O83aE&sns=em

Start of a new week and hopefully better days to come.

Exhausted after long, difficult day at work but have decided to write now to say thanks to you as each time I have tried recently the site has been down and want to make sure I get to say it.

The past few days my default setting has been anger but it really is exhausting and I have decided to take Joan's example and just breathe.

Realised that life is way too short to get upset by the **** in his fancy car who nearly drove me off the motorway, the manager who talks down to me as if we are in school, the child who calls me a f*****g C### because I can't work miracles in her life, the family who expect me to be supermum when I can barely stand some days, the plumber who promised a quote then said he can't do work for three months, the workmen who reduced the water level in the Thames and grounded my boat, the emergency work that made me miss Tai Chi yet again and so it goes.

I will be upset and angered by the pictures of babies shot in war torn Syria but so I should be and it is constructive as it motivates me in my work.

Rach is so right reminding me I can channel my triggers into positive actions as the lady in the charity shop with confirm - five more bags of my life given away this week hopefully to lovely new homes.

Project managing the building work is proving more problematic but if it takes longer so what, who cares, not me, all I need to learn to do is breathe.

Have a safe happy weekend everyone and thank you once again for your support, invaluable as it is.

Hi Dragonfly

Thanks for the post.

Your reference to my post from 2010 is relevant only to the point that at that time I was able to bring acknowledged humour to the Forum due to:

(a) My point of recovery at that time - I knew I needed to stop but didnt really want to stop and my wins from random gambling activity put me on false highs

(b) Being in the company of people on the forum at that time who were like-minded and on a similar wavelength and with the odd exception, did not criticise or disown me for me differing recovery goals.

Yes my life isnt great at the moment but I have achieved the gambling recovery I wanted to so it can only get better in time I hope. I would love to have some humourous exchanges with other Forum users but there are only a few who will communicate with me at all these days.

The way my life is bears no relevance to my posts of opinions of how this site is conducted these days. It gives me no pleasure posting about that topic but it frustrates me so much as I feel the benefits of the site for newcomers in particular are radically reduced versus a few years ago.

You say people are merely trying to make significant changes to their lives and need the support of others. I agree with that and thats why I post what I do as I feel they are being led down a path without a choice and dont receive the support they could.

We have not communicated much at all but Yes I do feel you are one of the 'followers' who have been influenced by users on here whose only goal as far as I can see is to enhance what they see as their own lofty position by adding newcomers at the bottom of their pyramid and using the site for social chit-chat. Perhaps their recovery is enhanced by feeling important on here I dont know. Those who choose not to follow them are then cast aside and recieve no support. So many newcomers have come and gone in the past year. That didnt use to happen half as much.

As I have said to others I truly believe you would have found a much more welcoming Forum in 2010 with the majority of people who all saw each other as equal. Yes there were debates and differing opinions and those favouring GA but no-one trying to form a hierarchy. I cite again ex-gambler Jeff, winningpost and Russ as examples of those in long term recovery who supported others without condition and without any Agenda of their own.

Best wishes

Hey DF

Thank you for popping in and giving me a chuckle..the mischievous part of you shining through..lol xx

Never seen you as a follower Hun, only someone who is intelligent and who is very unique with a wealth of life experience.

Wondering how the Kens are and life on the riverbank

Hugs

Charles Manson xxxx