Misery to happiness

Day 19 staying focused family time .out for meal courtesy of mum. Job application started to be in by Friday so busy day tomorrow . Still have anxiety about finances but will soldier on . It comes in waves creeps up on me the realisation of the money spent gambling and how the hell did I do that like an outer body experience I know it's gone and I now have to deal with it. Going forward htfx

Day 20 gamble free

Thanks Julie for your words of encouragement. Just finished job application that was a mammoth task. Family away tomorrow been an excellent week so hopefully spirits will remain on an even keel.

Emotionally stable at present probably due to the fact on hols from work. Non smoking trickey after 32years taking champix but notion to smoke still strong will persevere .

Keeping strong and gamble free htfx

Day 21 gamble free.smoking back to 0 . Htfx

Hi htf

I just want to drop you a quick line to say well done on your abstinence and long may it continue! Your diary is inspiring so thank you x linda

Hi linda and Julie thanks for support and words of encouragement.

Day 22 gamble free. Where do I begIn series of events which to some May sound matter of fact. Decided to use diary felt at first it was like a tool to reinforce what I'd done made me feel worse in fact reading back thought I really lacked common sense so deleted many posts so today I will begin expressing myself . This is what has happened in last 48hrs. Life. Phase one vanity my mum gave me money for deisal for car and on journey the sun was shining glorious my younger son mentioned I had facial hair a moustache to be precise so took a good look in the mirror and thought he's right so armed with a tube of cheap hair remover set about face no patch test done ladies this may be used on other parts of the body left it on too long hence I now have scorch marks to face interpret as you wish. Lesson Money not spent gambling take care of ones appearance .phase two vanity on back burner

After having a lovely time with family elder sister phoned hysterical my niece unwell 22 yrs hospital admission dvt needed the usual clot busting no further clots found. Big sigh 05.30 am her mother my elder sister never smoked drank fit active 50 took a bleed to the brain what's going on both in hospital o*g at a loss at moment what is the incidence of that happening to one family awaiting for results of her next ct scan I live 500 miles away feel I could run it. I do have money for flight due to fact I haven't gambled

Where would I be if I didn't have that money htfx

Hi HTF

What a terrible couple of days for you! when it doesnt rain it pours! The fact that you are not gambling means not only can you pay for flight but you dont have to add distress from gambling to your list of worries right now.

I hope your sister and niece are ok and I will be sending you positive thoughts!

Best Wishes

Linda

Hi HTF

What a terrible couple of days for you! when it doesnt rain it pours! The fact that you are not gambling means not only can you pay for flight but you dont have to add distress from gambling to your list of worries right now.

I hope your sister and niece are ok and I will be sending you positive thoughts!

Best Wishes

Linda

Hi HTF

In my early days I had the worst thing ever to happen to me! I had the choice to do two things. Do what I normally did and run and gamble or stand up and be counted. I stood up and faced everything head on. I felt, once through, that I had come through a test. From then on I knew I could beat this wretched illness/disease call it what you like. I hope that everything resolves itself and above all you find some serenity for yourself.

Take care

Day 23 gamble free.

Well what a s**t weekend. Thanks linda and smiler for support. Issues many . My niece got home on injections for blood clot . My sister moved to stroke ward. For further tests. Felt so emotional I didn't crumble or escape to maniac slot playing dripping my money into some online site . I have read a few diaries only snapshots and I'm simple didn't know you can gamble on sports such as tennis. There's no casinos where I live and I'd never been in the bookies. It has been an education I am clueless. Ignorance is bliss. So much pain and anguish . Just heart rendering material . Hitthefanx

Day 24 gamble free I'm living, breathing and feeling.

Positive mood today thinking maybe too much.

Anyway diary each journey is bespoke /individual but wanting the same goal.

Gambling to me is classed as a disease and with the disease process it gets worse unless I take responsibility and fight it. I can describe it as terminal not stopping end result lose of self to disease.

Revolving door syndrome stopping and starting. For me I'm in remission. I will endeavour to keep it this way and am determined because the pain and distress outweigh the buzz/ adrenaline rush very short acting from gambling.

Addiction or habitual, self harming behaviours, underlying problems . Finding the cure for me . Biggest test self control. Hitthefanx

Day 25 gamble free . Very busy today. The enemy didn't rear it's head . Family issues so very emotional .hitthefanx

Day 27 gamble free.

Tired finished work nice four days off now . Pay day skint but not gambled so not deeper in debt no disposable income . With time it will ease .

Can't sleep been on call so always fully charged ready for action I realised today what a buzz I get from my work real adrenaline rush situations.some with positive outcomes and others negative like gambling winning loosing . But when I work I didn't gamble so work stressful but not a stressor. Will revisit this when more alert.

Smoking oh missing that ate half the fridge and will need gastric band by Easter. Maybe not the best time to stop. Hithefanx

Hi hitthefan

Thanks for posting on my diary!

Well done on your 27 days it really does get better with each day that goes by.

You are lucky that you have a good job that you enjoy, it can be something to focus on and keep your mind occupied. I realise that my gambling started to get out of hand when I left my career to bring up my family. I would never change that decision but it was where I needed some time for myself to escape the daily grind. It was also where I felt some sort of excitement which I lost when I left my work. That thinking was all flawed looking back now but it really does start small and before you know it already it has got out of hand!

Anyway sorry for rambling on your diary!

Well done again

Linda

Thanks linda understand fully what your are saying . Two years between boys had them in my thirties. I recall after a back to back shift with an on call in which I was called out for a few hrs . Getting in car driving to work getting out of car locking car heading in thinking about previous night events realising f*** left pager in car went back to get it and in the car where my two boys asleep had forgot I'd put them there and even to take them too nursery when would I have remembered them . So didn't go to work Went home spent day with boys priceless . That afternoon handed in my notice after 17yrs. Due to timing they had created a new service got 16hr post For 8 years

Now full time due to gambling debt. Hitthefanx

Reading threads and rather than ramble on someone's diary thought I'd put it on mine to share an experience Healthcare children's health public sector education recently attended a meeting not as an educator but as as the token public person on what children should be educated on s*x smoking drugs. Etc parents acceptance of this how much they were allowed to explain as not to offend what parents want or want removing massive research project loads of stats graphs outcomes no mention of gambling bookies such like not recognised as recreational pastime of school children . I summoned up the courage biscuits and tea were s**t so had no intention of re attending at this point and asked what about GAMBLING university years online f*** me thought I zoned in from another planet. No education on this topic mentioned it was an addiction likened it to smoking , destructive like heroin the other token asked should we stop the T*****a at school fete lets keep this simple he said stick to issues on agenda . Silenced by ignorance .now I'm in full flow I can't stop so it's along one from htf . Explained we talk about drugs to teens . Stats show hadn't reduced drug use .chlymidia on the rise so why not mention gambling destructive to families and wider population referenced to alcohol. Informed Children don't have money and it is a matter of choice as a responsible being . I can go on but agitated by it .