My diary

Day 1 again

After all my no urge talk, got paid and gave in. Only did it for the rush really, wasn't worth it. Not a catastrophic loss but. BUT. Let myself down but not going to let it get me down. Not giving up on giving up!

Thanks so much for the support x should have come on here!

Oh no Red - was hoping this wouldnt happen - but them urges creep up on you sneakily - i know paydays are hard thats why i reward myself with them. Really hope you dont 'binge' now. Please Red you did so well. Start again xxxx

I messed up to red just goes to show no matter how long your days rack up you still have to keep your wits about you feel so stupid

Day 2

Thanks for the support everyone. ALWAYS much appreciated. The aftermath is a very up and down feeling. No urges to gamble but the depressed hopeless feeling keeps popping up whic I know makes me vulnerable to self district. Determind not to binge and get back on track. Going to focus on racking up those days again. Not giving up! What doesn't kill u makes you stronger and all that.

1 day at a time xx

1 day at a time - keep positive + keep going. You WILL hit 50 days this time. We believe in you 🙂

Hi red,

Good to see you getting straight back up, as long as you don't dwell on it,or want to chase, you will be back in full force in no time, 0)))

Keep going OAUs there is no point at all in looking back.

Stay strong and keep positive, and keep your head held up.

Suzanne xxx

Day 5

Still here, still gf 🙂

Well done red, not easy to get straight back up, but you have, and with positivity too,

OAUs

Suzanne xxx

Keep at it 🙂

6 weeks seems like such a long time again. Currently struggling to remember what I did/how I managed to do it?

Been on holiday for a week and gambled twice in that time. Clearly it's because I don't have a focus/not busy enough. But I was exhausted and needed a break. I've even been running and pushing the healthy lifestyle and now just hiding under the covers.

I've actually walked away with winnings but it never feels good anymore. The anxiety and waiting to see if it will in fact clear because I self excluded from so many sites it may be invalid, the paranoia, the guilt. I just wish I wasn't so scared of everything!? It's actually just really irritating! This irrational fear of everything and then behaving in a way which feeds the fear and anxiety. I'm sick of it. It then has a massive impact on my relashionships and how I interact with others.

Back to one day at a time.

New plan:

* 2 credit card debts left to pay

*overdraft to clear

*loan left to pay off

*Pay £350 off of credit card debt

*once payments cleared - order new bank card and cratch numbers off of the back to be sure this time. No money, no gamble!

*have an option to increase loan. Could be an option to pay off last credit card?

I'm getting down about money and the debt again. Feeling depressed and doing desperate things to try and find an easy way out. There is no easy way out. I know this. I need to appreciate all I have. Which is a lot! And make better, more healthy use of my time.

I have come a long way. I don't have the craving urges like I used to get but I need to kick these intermittent bursts of thrill seeking! I will not give up on giving up.

i will be the strong, assertive and condident person I once was.

Rednow wrote:

Pay day loan £600 вњ…

Credit cards £4,250 paid £1,800

Now - £2,450

Overdraft £1,700

Loan £2,000

Previous total debt - £8,714

Debt to date - £ 6,150

New aims -

Pay minimum £400 off credit card each month

Continue loan repayments

No more pay day loans! No more wasting money on gambling!!!

Have just taken the gf counter display off my account in an attempt to spur me on to rack up those gf days, and then when I get an urge the first thing I will need to do is log in to check my gf days! Any block, trick or aid I can think of right now is going in place. I will get to 50 days! Which will take me up to Crimbo 🙂

Hi red,

Sending you strong and positive thoughts, as you move OAUs

Suzanne xxx

Good luck Red - you are right there is no easy way - but the hard way will reap rewards eventually 🙂

🙂