Thought i would start a diary to help focus.
I have a gambling debt of 102k. Have told husband everything. He is pretty angry and understandabily so. HIs focus is on the finance side of things at present and we are having to sell the house and rent for around 2-3years. I absolutely hate myself at the moment. I also have a young child and feel soo guilty and wish i had had the mental strength to tell him earlier.
My last spin was on 22nd April and have done nothing since. Have self excluded online and husband has control of my cards and bank accounts.
Am waiting for my first counselling session which couldnt come sooner as i don't really have anyone to talk to regarding my thoughts and feelings, and its been pretty tough, especially the last few days. Not for wanting to gamble but more the realsiation of the financial impact on others. When i try to talk things through with my husband he just gets angry. I dont blame him.
I can hold out with the monthly payments for 2 to 3 months then who knows what. Hopefully the house will sell within that time.
Hi what's my name I couldn't decide where to post, so chose here. My husband was like you, massive debt, wanted to sell up. He went to GA and they said don't do that on impulse. All I'm saying is just make sure that is the last resort. We didn't and survived! Get some advice stepchange, debt camel is another. Your husband should really get some support. We're all freaked out and in shock in the beginning. Gamanon meetings are really good support for those affected by gambling.
Hey whatsmyname
That's some good advice from merry go round.
Thinking of you
Sammy x
Many thanks for the responses.
11 days gamble free which is a positive.
We have decided to sell as we can clear the debts sooner this way. Within three years rather than 5 or longer on an IVA. Plus life will be a bit easier if we go down this path.
Husband is trying to be understanding but does stick the knife in quite frequently which is understanding because of what I did.
He asks why I did it to try and understand but then thinks I am blaming him and gets angry. Thinks I am also being nonchalant about the whole thing.
I am not, just trying myself to process how I got here and to work out how the hell I am going to live with the guilt and shame for the rest of my life.
I have a young child who is about to start school and I have totally screwed up her way of life for the next few years whilst this is being paid off.
I hate myself.
Have asked hubby to talk to the helpline but he isn't interested. He is just focused on finances and budgets for the next 12 months and having a go at me for not working it out myself.
I did start to do that but he took over as it wasn't being done to his satisfaction.
God I have screwed up.
Day 12 today.
Woke up feeling positive, I have no wish to gamble ever again. It's not going to beat me. I am getting my life back.
Financial stuff is a worry, am pushing it to the back of my mind at present to concentrate on remaining gamble free.
Had a good night's sleep, the first in a long long time.
Just enjoying no longer being a slave to this beast. I am not niave I know I can never let my guard down. Even for one second.
Day 14 today.
Had a good day at the local beach with family. Was nice to not worrying about financial stuff.
Came back down with a bump when I got home.
No urges to gamble but think that is because I know I couldn't even if i wanted to. Have registered with GameStop and locked out of the bank accounts.
Its also nice that the junk mail from casinos has stopped.
Looking forward to day 15!
Day 15
Another lovely day with the family. Realising how much I have missed these last year and half spinning.
Makes me more determined not to go back.
On day 16 today.
Still no urges to gamble but back down to earth with a huge bump.
Don't think my relationship will survive this, all my fault.
Husband is struggling but won't speak to anyone. I hate what I have done to him.
On day 17 and happy to say still no urges to gamble.
Playing lots with my daughter and it's sad to think how much I have missed out on over the last year And half. It's like I was here in body only. Somehow I had disengaged, not so much from my daughter although I am sure I was not as attentive as I should have been. More from my husband and not sure we will get that back. An uneasy truce has been called. For how long who knows. He is adamant he doesn't want to split so here's hoping.
I feel really sad for what I have missed. Fingers crossed that will happen no more and I can start to make that time back.
Still no news on the counselling front, guess I just need to wait for the phone call.
Ignoring the finances the moments as I believe I need to show commitment of 3 months of no gambling transactions if we decide to go down the IVA path.
Am led with my daughter getting her to sleep and she is my world. I want to be the best mum I can be to her.
Hi what’s my name.
I just wanted to reply to your diary as I feel so sympathetic to u being in a similar situation.
I have a husband and 2 young girls and I have come clean recently about my problem. Hubby was really good at first but I think the more he is thinking about it the more angrier he is. I also feel like I have missed a lot of special moments with my girls and they are both used to me with my phone permanently in my face playing ‘games’ that they stopped paying attention to me.
This breaks my heart and I’m making it my priority to good quality time with them and enjoy their young years as they go too quick.
I guess what I’m trying to say is to really channel your energy into the most important thing in your life and enjoy every second of it. The money (I am aware that it is a large sum and not easy to forget about) is irrelevant compared to your life and your child. Regarding hubby... if he says that he isn’t going to end it then take his word for it, he probably would of left by now if he wanted to so every day try to take small steps to build up the trust again.
I hope I don’t sound like a know it all as I really don’t! But I just thought that being in a similar situation may help u realise u are not alone and u can get through it. Take care, Amy x
Day 19 today, a few gambling niggles entering my head but they can just b****r off.
It's not been a good few days, am very emotional at the moment which isnt like me at all. But then neither was gambling as I am usually the sensible boring one.
Husband has been pretty good and very reassuring. My husband and I have drifted apart quite a bit emotionally over the last few years and I think I used gambling as a replacement. Then the chase the losses madness took over.
Was looking at my credit file for the last few months and it's madness. Can't believe it. Feels like fog has been lifted and I am seeing clearly for the first time in over I year and I do not like what I am seeing. No way am I going back to that again!
Still waiting for the counseling, still worried about finances.
At least the weekend is here!
Dear wahtsmyname,
well done on 19 days gambling free, it is a slow but steady journey, you are doing great.
Just wanted to drop you a note that if you haven't heard from the counselling service or are still waiting to be allocated for regular sessions please feel free to get in touch with our Helpline or Netline and we might be able to speed things up a bit. Especially if you are perhaps struggling with emotions at the moment, having the counselling support would be really helpful.
All the best,
Eva
Forum Admin
Day 20
No urges to gamble.
Concentrating on finances and looking at how we can minimise the damage.
Nothing else to report.
Still a determination to never gamble again.
I feel reassured as have signed up to GameStop. Not sure if that is lulling me into a false sense of security though.
Day 21 and no urges.
Feeling low and emotional today.
Hello whatsmyname
Sorry you're feeling low today. If it makes you feel any better you can be proud you've acheived three weeks gamble free. If you want to talk, you are welcome to call our Freephone HelpLIne on 0808 8020 133 or chat to us on the NetLine.
Best wishes
Deirdre
Forum Admin
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