My diary - Climbing out of the hole

Alexis

Great to read my friend, as always honest and to the point.

I hope it gifts you as much as it will those who read it.

Thanks for sharing, me I learnt again today.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Alex,

Lovely to hear from you yesterday it really made my day. I always hoped you would come back and from your first ever post on my diary I realised straight away that you were a special person with a very caring heart.

To be honest, I have had a fairly brutal year with gambling. After you left the forum I managed to go ten months gamble free only to relapse last Christmas. Since then I have gambled probably every three weeks or so. My stakes have gotten progressively worse as have my losses. I have lost all innocence with gambling. Winning fifty pounds no longer brings me any joy or excitement.

My last loss was easily my worst and I came back here hoping to turn it all around. I am only twelve days into that journey but I really want to go the full distance this time and never gamble again. I hope you stay active on the site and together we can rack up a long stretch of abstinence and happiness long into 2014, which can be the greatest year of our lives.

Great to have you back.

Tomso.

Thanks duncs! : ) Thanks Tomso! : )

I feel it! I will no longer convince myself that for whatever reason, a game of poker is a perfectly rational idea as I have things under control. I only lose control when I am at a table or have lost some money! Only once I have removed myself from this environment can I truly say that I am in control of it.

Alexis - 2014 - Taking control!

Alex,

Happy New Year. I hope you had a lovely Christmas and New Year.

I agree with your post it is no longer rational to have even the smallest bet. I have never tried to understand why I gamble in the past but recently I have given it some thought. I have a decent life and should be happy enough but for some reason I have this self destructive side.

Basically, I don't have the answers but I know that I need to find something else to do when I get down or bored or stressed. I don't know what that is yet but I hope to work it out soon. I am finally at the stage where gambling, whether it be a win or loss, no longer brings me happiness. I know where it will all lead.

I am only 17 days gamble free but already notice that my mental state has improved a great deal. That is my reward. That should be enough.

Stay close to the forum. If you tend to play poker late at night log on here instead and post away until the urges disappear.

Good to have you back.

Tomso.

Alexis

Thanks for the kind words on my thread, I am truly humbled by them and am so glad you took something from my ramblings.

For me the importance of this forum is paramount to my continued recovery as you took from my diary this forum is our medicine, gifted by like minded folk who share a common goal to arrest their addiction and to continue living a gamble free life

When you said you had no advice to give, my advice don't be scared to share your knowledge and experience.

It is two fold my friend

Firstly it will be of great therapy to you and secondly it will help others in their own resolve.

I look forward to enjoying continued abstinence, made even greater by standing by your side.

Abstain and maintain.

Lastly yes my wife is truly amazing. Fortunately for me she is also my best friend.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Time money location - time money location - time money location.

The simple subtraction of one element being such a powerful weapon in our arsenal and its presence in so many threads has lead me to conclude that I will continue to put blocks on my laptop this year.

Does anyone know about any blocking software for the iPhone 5s?

Alexis - 2014 - Taking control

Hi Alexis

I hope you are doing well and thank you for writing on my journal giving me support. I think the software search required is wifi blocking software.

Thank you for all you said in my journal it brought on some home truths I had been hiding - even from myself 🙂 I wish you the very best and hope you are staying strong.

Amanda

Thank you Amanda, I am doing just fine : )

No thoughts about gambling today other than the reasons not to. It makes no sense anymore and offers no reward. I remember that time when I won a tourney, beating a few thousand competitors, a big payout! But I also remember how the elation soon become boredom again as I was back, staring at a screen, going through the motions. There are very few people that make money at poker and they are the first to confess to how boring and isolating the game is, most wouldn't recommend it as a career as the lows can be too much to bare. It is a lonely existence, which might explain why so many of us here are in need of friendships and alternative ways of filling the voids in time.

I and others have had blowups and relapsed whilst experiencing some form of emotional stress, which concerns me moving forward, but when it happened to me this year I was still at the tables, still involved, the door was still wide open. I would never blame the relationship issue for the outcome, I only consider it a factor. So this year, if I eliminate all access, I will not have the opportunity for it to be an option should any of my triggers go off. Time - Money - Location!

I am just about to un-install the software from my laptop. It hasn't been touched since 27/12/2013. I have thought about un-installing it many times since then but have always dismissed the idea purely because I was doing something else and couldn't be bothered to do it, lol! Or.. maybe there is that 5% in me that still couldn't wave that final goodbye, either way I will take those odds, for now!

Hasta La Vista Baby!

Alexis - Waving goodbye!

(Lucky I copied and pasted this entry to MS word as I was unable to refresh or load up the site for about half hour just then, the same thing happened last night. It only happens after I have posted something! Has anyone else experienced this? Or do admin just plan on carrying out site maintenance when I am posting?!)

So I uninstalled the software last night. I prolonged it, I could have just opened up the control panel and uninstalled but I decided to check my balance and bonus offers. (Potentially big mistake! The door was wide open!) I had $0.72 and no bonuses to claim. Almost instantly I began looking at tournaments and at how I could use my frequent player points, (You know the ones that give you almost nothing back but keep you in the game when you have no money) I could feel the monster approaching again, such small sums of money yet for a moment I was in an almost transfixed state, with tunnel vision. I was so tempted to open up a $0.50 tournament, "just one last go to empty the account, it wont hurt" I opened up the $0.50 lobby and over the next 5 seconds or so I was hovering the mouse between the register for tournament button and the X to close the software! It really could of gone either way but I ended up hitting the mouse aggressively on the X, feeling annoyed for a little while rather than relieved. (Don't want to let go?!)

I think it is down to my progress this year that I managed to filter in some positive and rational thoughts from the moment I opened up the software but more importantly during that 5 second period! Thoughts like; I didn't want to lose my gamble free days, or I didn't want to hand over my ticket for the 2014 bus, but also, I know deep down that if I did play that tiny $0.50 tournament and lost with AA v kk (or in any manner to be honest) then the frustration from a small scenario like that can lead to the worst possible outcome. It's my drug and I'd want more!

Nowadays, although I am weary that this addiction keeps creeping up on me, I am feeling really good about where I am at with it. I have fended it off a couple of times recently and I consider it to be on a retractable leash and at a good distance. I must now throw a few sticks and get it to run further away into the distance, I will only achieve this by clocking up the days and maintaining abstinence, no staying in the game with a $0.50 bet!

Next step it to arm my laptop and mobile with the blocking software, money is tight so it will have to wait for now! but I am already looking forward to the added distance that it will give me from the beast!

I am on the bus and the next stop is the 9th April (My birthday) this is my smaller target for now but will run in conjunction with the bigger ambition of 1 year gamble free!

Alexis - 2014 - Taking control!

No thoughts of gambling any money away today.

I only recently became aware of Captains diary and how he has managed to find a balance with his gambling. A structured and limited amount each week which gives him the pleasure he seeks. Win or lose. (If he is like much of the rest of us then he will detest losing!) Either way, if he can walk away without a problem then I take my hat off to him and respect the direction that he choses to travel.

I've been thinking about this with regards to me smoking weed. I simply want more and more and my real problem in life is taking control. I would still like to use it for creative purposes but as I have it all the time (excluding work) I feel it has to go FULL STOP! Then I look at my gambling over the past year and see how I have began to take control of it. Limiting it, using it more like it is supposed to be used, not abused! Which leads to balance, finding that balance, just like Captain. The problem I foresee with regards to gambling is that I don't want to have to be put in a position whereby my entire life savings, shares, pensions, morgate, whatever it may be, is at risk should that balance tip the wrong way. I have spent mine and others last penny before, it can happen again. The cannabis can cause some serious damage too if the balance tips too severely.

Hmm, I shall continue to ponder. I also thought how I really must start a personal diary (physical) as writing my thoughts here is helping so very much.

I hope everyone has enjoyed their gamble free day/hrs as I have.

Alexis - 2014 - Taking Control

Alexis

fella thanks for the continued support, it is like a breathe of fresh air to read your enthusiasum for recovery, well done for not ending it yesterday, those urges will continue to come it is how you deal with them, whether you want to go back at it or not, regards Captains recovery methods, they are truly bespoke, it has taken him five years to get to where he is today.

To gamble 10k a year in a controlled way is not something I could even table, as I know the results would be the same.I cannot win because I cannot stop.

Me i fully emphasise with you regarding the use of cannabis, I was a heavy user up until my wife became pregnant with our first born, she gave me an ultimatium, the weed or a family.

I choose a family, why?? she has an uncle who is a massive addict( yes I do believe it is fully addictive) he went from being the owner of a garage to being a recluse, he lives purely for his daily smoke, the creativity has totally left him, it is all 'talk' these days.

My life today is about tomorrow and how I can better it, I am an all in, all or nothing type of fella, and the recreational use of either gambling or the herb I know will just see me diverting my efforts, watering down the passion I have for life.

My 'buzz' today comes in the form of recovery, whether that be painting a wall or grafting hard at work,doing the chores or walking the hounds they all are made possible because I WANT IT, for you my dear friend there is a choice.

Stick by it, and keep your ticket.

The bus, I did laugh when you reinstated it, fantastic. As I don't drive I alaways nominated Rach our dear friend the driver.

I hope you stick around, check out the free blocking software that is available, I believe through gamcare?? I have never bet online so you would need to contact the online support team.

As always great to see another working hard at recovery, you get out what you put in.

duncs stepping forward never back.

Alex,

Hope you are well buddy. Take care. Love to hear from you.

Tomso.

Let go!? Find a balance!? What is the right approach for me??!! I wish I knew!

So I can confirm that I have lost my ticket for the 2014 gamble free bus (which is a real shame as I was trying to promote the idea again) I gambled responsibly a few times between my last post (early Jan) and last Monday, and without the frantic, chasing feeling being present.

All was under control. So what went wrong?

********* hold a weekly $1million tourney (I have only ever participated in it on 1 occasion which was after a 1st place win in a different tourney, I played useless and didn't take it seriously in anyway and went out early on) Anyways I noticed that it was their 8th anniversary of this tournament last Sunday so I wanted to get involved and managed to turn a £20 deposit into a $220 ticket for this staggering $8million guaranteed tournament with 48000 participants. It kicked off at 7:30 Sunday evening and I was still there playing at 4am. I finished in 888th losing with AA all in pre-flop to JJ who caught a flush!! (annoying but it happens) My prize was $900. All good you would think. Sure, I played really well, got some luck and made some money. But, not long after I had won, did I go to bed?! Did I make some food? Nope, I blew it by buying into $100, $200, $300 6 man tournaments. Losing every game! Gutted! Still I hadn't actually spent much of my own money so I moved on fairly easily.

But then I got paid on Thursday and blew the lot! I was suddenly my old self again, had a few goes, lost and then started to chase and we all know where that ends! I lost control : (

It has been a few days now since then and I am (like I have been for the past 5 years) trying to figure out the way forward. The question really is abstain? or find a better balance or way of controlling my gambling activities?

I will never be profitable as a long term player, that is something that I have already learnt, but to play my A-game and to reach a final table of one of these tournaments could be a more measured approach. And if I were to win anything above say $5k then I really couldn't see me blowing it (but no guarantees obviously). I spend far too much time playing the game when I should be doing and achieving other things. My current trail of thought is whether I should play in just these tournaments say once every 1 to 2 months, that way I will have something to look forward to, I wont be in the midst of it on a daily basis and it would be affordable. Plus it would give me the opportunity to win a substantial amount. The problem with poker is that I have spent years learning this competitive game and working on my skills and to just walk away from it all seems unrealistic at this current time.

I'm going to leave it there as I am falling asleep here and have no idea if anything I have just typed makes any sense. These are my thoughts.

I hope all is well with all my GC buddies and acquaintances.

All the best

Alexis

alexis

fella good to see you posting, sorry to read you have again done your boll#ocks, I hope the emotional fallout is not too damaging my friend.

Regards your continued playing, my friend I feel at a loss for words to help so I will just type the facts as I see them, I hope they will help.

you write about playing tournaments periodically in a controlled fashion with set stakes and leave it at that, which would I am sure be an enjoyable pastime and as you say with your skillset could bring financial reward.

the facts are you have yet to win that sort of money in one of these tournaments so is this a realistic possibility or the compulsive side of your brain over riding the rational side.

When you don't reach the financial gain you set out to achieve is this the trigger for the switch from controlled to the all in zone out could'nt give a f**k gambling we all hold in our locker??

You wrote also about winning the stake money to fund this tournament, is that something else that could be a trigger, if you did not win this stake would that possible be a trigger??

I will ask this question, one I feel needs asking

if you had kept winning would you have posted here?? do you only associate this forum to losing?

because if you do I believe this forum is not for you fella, this forum is about winning, yes winning because whether that winning comes from complete abstinence or controlled gambling this forum has to be used as a constant to be an effective tool.

Captain46 successfully uses this forum as a tool to help him abstain from in his words his 'random' gambling because I believe his constant presence helps him to make the correct choice for him, that has been achieved by many years of him trying to achieve in his mind the eradication of his problem areas of gambling.

For you the difficult issue is surely your own 'random' gambling comes in the form, the same form as your preferred choice of rational gambling which differs from captains controlled gambling because he eradicated various areas just leaving ones he can control.

So to end fella you have a great deal of thinking to do, I hope to have given you some food for thought, sorry if it comes across as harsh, it's good to hear from you, good to know you are in good health physically.

As I write I hope personally that you choose to use the forum as a constant tool in your life as something positive, rather than just a negative.

As it is said many times and I will say it again, there are no right or wrongs in recovery, the journey is yours fella, I am here not to judge but offer support where I feel it appropriate.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Thank you so much Duncs, nothing harsh in your post, just some tough love : ) which I like as it is something that has been missing for most of my life.

To start with your point about my use of these forums and associating it with just the negatives, I don't believe this to be the case, after all, I have spent lots of time reading your diary and interacting with yourself. Nothing negative there! I came here yesterday by chance really, I have GC saved on my web browser speed dial (quick link) and there was no real thought behind me opening up the forum. The fallout from last weeks episode wasn't too bad in the grand scheme of things and I wasn't rushing here for immediate reassurance or to let off steam. For me I come here for help and advice, to help me try to find my (as you say) 'bespoke' way of dealing with my negative gambling behaviours. And fella! You were there, and I was so humbled by and grateful for your response. Thank you once more. I do however think that I should be here more, during the good times as well as the bad so your observations may hold some clout.

The triggers,? you make some very interesting points and I'm still chewing on it at the mo. Boredom is the main trigger, poker has become a default thing to do when I can't be bothered to do something that involves thought or energy. When I finished that tournament, I guess I was unhappy to have gone out at that point, competitively as well as financially. The fact that my addictive nature immediately began to open up other tournaments concerns me moving forward.

As I said in my last post I have never really played in tournaments with so much money up for grabs, or with such a high buy-in. I have got to the final table a few times and placed 1st in a couple of smaller buy-in tournaments (1000-8000 participants). I can only remember that 1 occasion when I have bought in to a tournament for anything more than $100. This past couple of years I would usually just play 6 man turbo tournaments for a quick buck, the buy-in here can range from $5 - $500.

The point you make about Captains setup could be very important and I can see how my current thought of approach leaves the door open still for my problem gambling to prevail. Great point Duncs! Your personal touch and understanding here is very helpful indeed and I really owe you a beer or whatever your tipple is. When I get that big win or have abstained for a considerable period then I might just make that a reality! God bless you!

I enjoy poker in moderation, I want to win and I really do want that payday. But is it realistic!? Am i risking too much by continuing, can I take control of it. Can I really only play 1 game of poker every 1 to 2 months?

To be continued..... (Got to sleep)

Night all

Alexis