My diary - Climbing out of the hole

I just read your last post Alexis. It sounds like you are gearing yourself up to make a choice. To gamble or not to gamble. I am not wise. All I can relay is my experience. Over Christmas I was playing online slots. At one point I was up £13k. I shared the joy with my wife briefly. Being the gambler I am, I raised my stakes and blew it all within 36 hours. Someone else writes "I cannot win because I cannot stop." T'is true.

You're lucky because your mum has bailed you many times. What happens when she can no longer do this? I am concerned for you mate. Unfortunately, you are the only person who can CHOOSE your destiny - and it is a choice. Winning money only gives us more ammunition to fuel the addiction. I can promise you that winning money [no matter how temporary] never really made me happy because when I had a win all I did was be unsociable, throw it all away and continued to be a gambler. The result? Well, you know my story and thousands like it.

If you are different I can only wish you luck.

Jay

I think too much information is the phrase I should be using here JS. Just what I want to hear whilst eating my lunch! I'm sorry to say that I don't have a list yet or the software installed. I am putting it off and your post prob sums up what the reality is. Thanks

As for the peeling paint? Three reasons come to mind;

1) The original plasterwork wasn't sealed with a watered down coat of emulsion (65% paint 35% water).

2) You are trying to paint on a dirty surface. I have done a few ceilings in council houses / flats in the past and I spend more time with a rag and sugar soap cleaning them than I do actually painting them afterwards. They are often caped in nicotine which must be removed.

3) You have used PVA as a primer which is a big no no!

So the original prob is because of 1+2 and you have just added to your problems. Time to get a bag of multi finish and plaster it since you have already prepped it with the PVA ; ) The PVA itself will peel away from the surface and the paint can also flake away from the PVA.

I don't recall ever being on a job where I had your current predicament to solve so I am struggling to give you a conclusive strategy moving forward. I would think either plaster it or sand it back to the original surface with a power sander which would be tough work, you might get a little high from all those PVA particles though ; )

I'm sorry to have just ruined your day but let me know how you get on.

Back to work for me.

Wow 2 long posts had come in after I submitted my last post, not much time to reply or reflect on them now unfortunately but I will be back on either tonight or tomorrow at some point.

Tomso, such wonderful advice once again. I am really glad you came by, you have given me a lot to go over.

You also JS. You have a very warm tone to your posts and I enjoy reading them. Thank you.

Have a great rest of the day.

well this problem all started from me trying to skim the ceiling alexis loli pva'dit then 2 coat plastered it coame to trowel it up then ceiling comedown on me pulled all the underneath paint off there must of been loads of coats come down on me coats of s**t come down pulled it off t near enough the bare ceiling and i found there was this bluey grey cr** wet sort of filler s**t on the ceiling which wont allow ought to stick to it. i should of listened to my mrs and just painted it in the 1st instead of wanting to make it nice plastering it lol

Redmanjim - Sorry but sometimes you just have to laugh or else you will cry. I don't know about you but I am chuckling a little ; ) So what now? Rip the ceiling down and start again? re-board and fresh skim, watered down paint then top coats. Have you got the patience to give that ceiling all this added effort after what you have already battled with? Maybe re-board over the current plasterboard? Its funny but when you first mentioned that ceiling I instantly thought of my previous posts where I was complaining that my mothers kitchen was probably the worst room I have ever had to prep. It almost felt like fate was giving me the punishment I deserve. For the record, I don't believe that its just a thought.

You can probably tell from my recent posts that I haven't been thinking of gambling very much. I haven't had the funds to participate so that is commonplace for me. I am eagerly waiting for the next opportunity, possibly Monday night. My mother is away again for a week, I am busy at work during the daytime but in my mind I am already sitting in that chair, smoking and playing poker on Monday evening. I feel like a traitor by saying all this, how can I have a diary here and have plans like that! Maybe I should not post during that time? Maybe you can expect to see me here Tuesday night complaining about a loss. I really do feel like I have to apologize to you guys as I feel that I am in someway trying to encourage it and may inadvertently spark off ideas in others. I'm sure that isn't the case as judging by our diaries, yours show some really good progress and signs of real strength. Perhaps I am simply weak and frankly, deluded. I am struggling to accept that it is all over and that I will never play another game of poker again!

I'm going to shut up now, this isn't helping anybody.

Have a great weekend all

hey alexis was gonna board it mate banged holes in the ceiling. i live in a flat and the hall way is not very wide. they have boarded all the ceilings first then put stood walls up so theres only 1 joist running down middle the others fall rtowards the main bedroom and the living room and its just not possible to get a fixing on it. right cowboy job by the council mate.plus there is also conduent running all the way round between the ceiling and the topoff walls where all the electrics are. its a right mess mate lol. so i had holes in ceiling lol i had to put old empty bags of plaster to fill the holes then skim over that lol thats the best bit of the ceiling.

About monday night is there not anything u can possibly do to try and stop the urge of playing poker. get the blocker on on ya computer it will save u a fortune to what u could lose overall.or come over to the chatroom on this site on monday evening have a chat with some people, im on there most nights. what ever u do i wish u the best mate

take care

redmanjim

Maybe I should check out of here for a short period, I really feel like I am going to do it and therefore don't want anyone to waste their breath trying to advise me otherwise.

I'm sorry.

Alexis5Y20K,

Don't be so down on yourself you are attempting to give up something which is difficult to beat. Having said that you came to this site because gambling was ruining your life and you desperately wanted to correct this and start living a happy life again. You are not allowing yourself the opportunity to do this because you are moping about the prospect of not gambling and your life situation. Celebrate the fact that you have managed to not gamble recently and rejoice in the fact that you have managed to prevent yourself from worsening your situation recently. This path we are on is difficult but it comes with great benefits. We may not see these benefits on a daily basis but as the days tick by and become weeks and months you will look back at your diary with pride. You will be able to chart your success and see where and when you started to become a better, stronger more confident person. You do not need to gamble to win. Every day that passes without gambling is another great victory. You mentioned you might gamble on Monday. What can you do to prevent this? Could you arrange to do something with a friend or perhaps go to the cinema for the night. There are other things you can do. Don't give in a lifetime of happiness is waiting for you but you have to work for it. The devil is working his magic on you and he wants to lead you back to his wicked ways. Treat this as one big game. You will control your life not the devil who hides inisde your thoughts trying to control you and convince you to return to his ways. All this is a game of physchology. Don't mope and allow bad thoughts to creep into your mindset. You are giving nothing up by not gambling there are only positive, mental and financial gains to be had from not gambling. Read the stories on this site. They are all stories of woe. Stories of regret and a lifetime of sadness. We are all on a path to peace, happiness and financial wellbeing but the road is tough, will take patience and may prove to be long journey but a journey that is well worth the effort. You do not need to gamble. I don't want to be hard on you but I often wonder from all the advice you have been given from all the people who have left comments on your diary how much of this have you taken and applied to your life. I was given a piece of advice last year that went along the lines of if you are not willing to change something in your life you cannot expect your life to change. Make a list of the things you need to do to stop gambling and work the list. This has worked for me. Not long ago I couldn't go a day without gambling. There was absolutely no hope for me and then all of a sudden something changed. I changed, my mindset changed, my determination changed and my outlook on life changed. No matter what happens do not gamble. Go for a walk, watch a video, read a book, anything that will take your mind of making yet another massive mistake.

You only give up when you stop trying.

You can do this. Be strong.

I hope to come on here tomorrow night and see that you have posted and are ready for the fight ahead.

Tomso.

Yo,

I want to shout at you, DON'T DO IT!!!!!!!!

But I can only wish that it would make a difference.

You really have to want this, you are not weak , or any more damaged that the rest of us.

So here is the question

How much do you want it?

Try to picture yourself in 5 , 10 , 15 , 20 + years. Where do you see yourself, if you stop gambling, if you continue to gamble. I am trusting you to do this using all the knowledge you have gained from this site.

If you have really taken on board what people have written , you will see that as a gambler you have no future, only regrets.

At the end of the day , not one of will be there to stop you, so it is up to you.

Today I made a choice not to gamble,You can blame weakness , blame addiction , blame anything you want should you have that first bet. At the end of the day it comes down to a choice, future or no future.

I really hope you make the right one

Dusty

Tomson and Dusty put it perfectly Alexis. I'd like to highlight the fact that the only positive stories I have read on this site are from people who don't gamble.

Everyone will confirm how hard it is to beat any addiction. It takes courage to abstain. You are an articulate man who can obviously write about the benefits of not gambling. You have offered support to those trying to cope with their recovery. Listen to your own words.

The idea that you are setting Monday as a date to gamble saddens me. What would you say if anyone else had written that?

Still want to gamble? Well, imagine your mother's voice if she knew of your plans. Do you really want to hurt her? You both deserve better than that.

It is your decision mate. You choose the road ahead of you and I can only hope it is a gamble free one. I look forward to hearing from you when you are ready.

Hi Alexis,

Yes it does hurt that we can never have a game of Poker again, its os mad considering how much we love playing that game, but as I have said before if we could have a little go & thats it then fine but we all kow what happens when we have a little go, world war 3 breaks out & the rest is debt misery & history.Keep going buddy as you have helped me & you give me inspiration, hope I can help you too,,,,

There isn't anything that I could argue with in all of the previous posts. I cant thank you guys enough for the support you are giving me, the time and thought is greatly appreciated and with the way I am being at the moment I almost feel like I do not deserve such help.

I read, understand and can advise on the benefits of living a gamble free life and also the pitfalls of living as a problem gambler. Deep down I know it has to stop. I know I am making a bad choice and run the risk of causing more damage but I do feel that I can walk away with a consolation if I stick with poker. I only ever lose big when I open up BJ or Roulette. I know the poker has to stop too, the amount of profit I made over the past few years is not worth the amount of unsocial time required to achieve it, plus the BJ box is right there in the corner, winking and ready to pull me in. Although I didn't ever withdraw as much as I deposited, I did withdraw on quite a few occasions, it would end up going back in at some point but I want to make this time my last. I got greedy going for £3k. I play tournaments only and my plan is to withdraw as soon as I get it up to 1K. I can do this as long as there is absolutely no BJ. I am not trying to recover my losses, I just want that consolation. Then I say goodbye, install the software, sort out the passwords, draw a line under it and then join the rest of you guys on my long road to recovery.

Now I ask myself, what happens when or if I achieve this? I know that most people quit when they are on the floor because it is at this time when we feel that our past choices are that more relevant and real, I wonder how it may affect my thinking throughout my recovery and whether it will turn out to be the worst best thing that could happen. My worst fear is that it will taint my diary. I don't want to encourage others to gamble. I don't want to come here and tell everyone that I've done it.

Is it really worth it? The risk for a small amount of money when I might suddenly get wreckless, lose my wages again and have to scrape around until next payday. No, probably not. Why am I going to do it? Because I can get away with it, because I am selfish, because I miss it, but most of all because I have a good record with poker and the belief that I will walk away this time.

I'm sorry guys, I know you are all probably huffing away at what I have written and how I am thinking and I wouldn't blame you for it but I cant let go, not yet. As I said before, I have read, understood and can give advice on gambling, but Tomso is right, I haven't yet applied any of it to my own life and mindset.

I hope you guys had a great weekend and thanks again for all your thoughts and straight talk. I'm sorry if your responses in my diary seem more laboured than others. I do want to be with you all.

All the best

Alexis5Y20K,

The purpose of this site is for people to put down their thoughts and feelings into words and for others to offer support and advice. You might not be ready to stop at the moment and sadly may need to make more mistakes before you realise how devastating gambling losses can be. About two years ago I went to a site looking for advice and was told that I could not gamble on anything ever again. I was not ready for this and always bellieved that I could bet on football and that roulette was the killer for me. The person advising assured me that in order to recover from gambling I could never set foot in a bookies again. I wasn't prepared to do this. I only ever spent a tenner on football bets whereas I could bet hundreds on roulette. I was sure I didn't have a problem. It took a further year for me to realise that the person advising me was correct and I was wrong. Betting on football leads to me chasing lost money on roulette. Also, I cannot set foot in a bookies without playing roulette. Sure I can do it once for one day but eventually everythings stops with roulette. My point is I had to learn from my mistakes. I had to endure another year of misery until I finally admitted to defeat. I cannot set foot in a bookies every again. Period.

As long as you know that if you play poker and lose you can come back here and start again. You only give up when you stop trying. I will continue to check your diary.

P.S. I didn't smoke at work. When I got the job over ten years ago I was on a quit which lasted less than three weeks. When I started I was asked if I smoked and I said no. I didn't say I was an ex-smoker I said I was a non-smoker. I don't know why I just did and so when I started back I never smoked at work.

Good luck.

Tomso.

Hehe. That actually made me chuckle Tomso. Fresh start right? New job, no smoking etc. You should of just come clean lol, on the other hand I would guess that you smoke less under the circumstances so thats not such a bad thing. For me, I think a third of my year consists of dates when I am going to make a fresh start. My birthday, others birthday, the birth of my niece, when I get a big job come in, when I get paid, xmas, new year, when my neighbours friends aunts half brothers cat dies. The point I am making to myself is that I cant base it on something else. Another time may help in some ways but if I am honest it is just a way of putting it off. I wish I could feel that click that others have mentioned, where it just feels right, you feel ready and take things head on. I am certainly not going to wait for such a time as I believe that the click must of happened along time ago without me realizing it, I have since fallen again and remained routed in my ways. I have to make a "manual" start and then hopefully I will notice multiple clicks in the future.

I haven't played poker today, (don't smile or cheer) I got a nice chunk of cash at the close of play today so couldn't get to the bank in time. Shopping, fuel and bills in the morning, then off to work for half a day and then home with some backup cash. I cant stop myself right now and I don't think there is much more you guys can say, I will be playing tomorrow and prob weds if all is going to plan.

Tomso, you are right, I cant continue to carry on regardless as I will at some point get crazy and do something stupid. I have my plan, if I stick to it for 1 last time then I can get my consolation.

.

I will stop now, I feel like a hypocrite if I preach any more and like a moron if I say any more to try and justify my choices. I am doing you guys a disservice and I am sorry if you are left feeling exhausted.

I hope you are all learning from me in some way or another. Speak soon.

I felt a few shudders as I read my last few comments. If anyone has decided to take a back seat with me then please come back to the front as I need your help and support more than ever.

There are probably a few positives that can come out of the last 2 days but, at this point in time I am struggling to see if they outweigh the negatives.

I talked myself into it and devised a plan. I have in the past spoken of how nothing ever goes to plan when I gamble and I was right with the latter. I barely played any poker.

I have my fuel, food, weed and little backup money and that is it. I transferred some money to my mother and was left with £120 to play with. I played poker for about 3-4 hours but soon clicked the BJ tab. My bankroll vanished. That wasn't the plan! I cant deposit anymore, what am I going to do now! I want to play! I want to win! I want to be happy! How can I get money??! There must be a way. What about these payday loans that I have noticed others discuss on GC? No, I cant do that! Can I? It is only a loan. I can get to my target, withdraw my profit and pay it off. I browsed around and was soon sitting at the BJ table with £50 in my poker account and another £300 to deposit as I saw fit. I lost all of it.

How about another one? Maybe more, if I get £500 then deposit in £100's I could easily turn that into over 1k and call an end to this madness. I got another £250 from a different company and that also disappeared shortly afterwards. No more, I couldn't bring myself to try for another.

The drama had ended when I fell asleep in my clothes around 10am this morning. There were 2 other occasions during the early hours where I had a rest on the bed for about an hour. I woke around 3pm, had a coffee and painted the final door of a now completed job and came home.

So all in all I had one of the worst days ever when it comes to gambling!? I managed to clock up £800 on loans that need paying at the end of this month. I have bills to pay halfway through this month and although I have work I can not foresee me being able to get paid enough before this money is required to be withdrawn from my account! I try not to swear here but what a *!!!*?? mess. The only idea i have in my head is to ask my grandmother for some help. I don't want to think about how upset I will have made my mother.

So, back to minus again. I will recover from this, hopefully in the future I wont take such a risk in trying to grab a measly consolation whilst embarrassing myself in public.

I am still in shock right now and there were times where I was shaking uncontrollably. I don't know who I was last night. I had tunnel vision and couldn't accept that I was going to be at a loss, (one more win) I thought I could make everything alright again. I only ever managed to get my balance up to £450.

This is my account of what happened, there is a lot for me to mull over and many more things for me to add later but that'll do for now.

I am OK. What I have done will make me feel sick on occasion but that is a good thing. I can not change the past. Hopefully this is the final nail in the gambling coffin where I can finally lay it to rest, say my goodbyes and look towards a brighter future.

Feel free to say told you so! I knew it too, I knew what I was doing and saying was all b******t, the evidence is right there in the previous posts! It explains why I was trembling when I sat down for my first £10 tournament. (That famous first small bet)

At least now I can get back to making a positive difference. Courage to you all and thanks again for all your generous support before and during my naivety.