My diary - Climbing out of the hole

Hi Alex

I have been reading your diary for a few weeks now and check back once in a while to catch up because I can really relate to your diary,as we are similar ages. The main thing that we have in common is the issue with drugs, and I hope you don't mind me saying that you really must tackle this, stop smoking the weed! Try every method you can because if you are to be successful and regain control of your life, it really needs to go! I think you alreay know this, that the weed is totally clouding your judgement. Having experience of it myself, I would even go to say if you don't stop smoking it, you may not be able to stop the gambling because the two go hand in hand. the weed it is totally ruining your judgement and believe me I know because when I started gambling about 4 years ago, I was smoking weed myself,as well as C*****e at the weekends going out clubbing, trying es, the works, just experimenting as young people do I guess, BUT this mean't that I really had no judgment when it came to the slots and the whole thing was one vicious cycle of destruction. Since 4 years ago I like to think I have grown up a little and realised drugs never made me feel good, and tired of the awful hangovers, I gave up the lot and now don't touch drugs. The problem only then moved on to binge drinking, and generally drinking in the house, I would be drinking and then decide to play some more slots, needless to say it got me in a bad situation!

4 weeks ago, I realised if I was to be successful at stopping gambling, I would have to stop drinking as well, or at least cut down dramatically.

So here I am, I have been just over 4 weeks without playing online slots, having been addicted to them for just over 3 years and trying to give up countless times. The main difference this time, is no drink or drugs and this has been the absolute key to me seeing a tiny spek of light at the end of a very dark tunnel.

Without the drink I can actually start functioning again, clear mind, wow there is so much time to fill, I can start to try and enjoy life again, stop hiding from the deep dark depression and I am trying to fill it with taking up some new hobbies and throwing myself in to work.

Look into giving up and i think you will find giving up the gambling is going to be infinately more easy to manage..

take care and never stop trying or stop getting back on that wagon!!

I was saddened to hear of the tragic news about the death of Mark117. Although I have never had any contact with him I have read and been inspired by the many posts that he has left on others diaries as well as his own. RIP.

Thank you all for the great advice and insight as always. It is nice to hear from you Lexi, I am glad that you have managed to overcome your previous problems and hope that you will do just the same with your current situation.

You have my email Dusty? - Thank you

Special thanks to Wilsy, you talk a lot of sense and your previous posts have helped me now and will continue to do so when I reread them in future.

Sorry for my absence Tomso, I needed a little space from here and the computer which is why I haven't been posting.

So, where am I? Apart from the severe toothache I am in a better place right now. I have been clean from the weed for nearly 3 days and haven't gambled since my last post. I don't have any money but I could still get some weed if I really wanted to, I don't want to! My body has been suffering as a consequence (headaches, sweating and being close to vomiting) but this is part of the deal which I accept and must grin and bare. I am also beginning to feel the benefits too; I feel better in the mornings, my head is clearing and the neurons and receptors in my brain seem to be transmitting in a more natural way. I know I have caused long term damage but what remains is what I have to cherish and give the opportunity to rebuild as best as they can.

I went for a walk yesterday and noticed a take away which needed a driver / leaflet distributer. I called in and have a shift at 6pm tomorrow, so I will at least have some money for food etc until my proper work is ready to commence. So far my mother has bought me a pack of beef, bread and milk, I don't want to be asking for more from her if there are things I can do to help myself. I went for another really long walk today, the sun was out, I walked a few miles and sat by a tree in the countryside, watching and listening to natural things, it was so very refreshing.

I have booked a doctors appointment for tomorrow and will ask to be referred to a councellor. It is time.

So all in all I am doing well, but, it is still very early stages and there is much more to do and many tests to come in the very near future, I have to prepare myself and be firm with my decisions.

Sorry to my buddies who may have been worried about me. I hope this brings a smile to your faces as your great work and efforts does to mine.

Courage to you all, I look forward to catching up with you all soon.

"It is time."

Man hug.

This isn't an easy journey Alexis and it should only be taken if we really want to be happy again. Counselling will bring up a whole heap of the proverbial and there will be times when you believe you feel enlightened and sessions when you will want to quit going. You will learn a lot about yourself. It is worth going for that reason alone.

I want to point out that counselling will not 'cure' a compulsive / addictive nature. However, it wil enable people to understand the triggers, weaknesses, behaviours and perhaps reasons why we do it. The counsellor will not provide the answer for us. They facilitate self-exploration and many people are surprised by the outcome. Just like antibiotics, stay for the duration for the best results 🙂

Many people here are rooting for you and we all know that YOU CAN QUIT anything IF YOU WANT TO. Really looking forward to seeing you break free from your self-imposed chains. Not in a pervy way ya know 😉

Stay strong. One step at a time.

Hi

Really good to hear from you. Being old and silly when I posted thought I would email you , meant post on your thread. That is too much alcohol over too many years. Lol

Wow, I can only imagine what you are going through at the moment, when I was in rehab a guy was withdrawing from weed, so I have seen first hand how difficult it is. I can only applaud you for trying and I hope with all my heart you succeed

On top of this to get another job and deal with that issue at the same time is inspirational.

Top Man , I am really really willing you to beat both of these addictions.

YOUR POST HAS BRIGHTENED MY DAY, KEEP UM COMING

Dusty

Great to see that you are able to keep yourself busy with this job that you have.

Enjoy it and of course the money coming in will also be a little bonus for yourself.

GT

Alex,

Great to have you back.

Tomso.

Great post Alex, welcome back, pleased I could be some help to you, well done on taking some time out, clearly the head with the walks and arranging to see a councilor. Also congrats in going three days without the weed and for not gambling, that is a great start mate, you must now be really looking forward to a fresh start.

Will stay in touch with you each day or when you are around.

Cheers

Andy (Wilsy).

I feel so humbled and am exceedingly lucky to have so much support on here, without you guys I would almost definitely not be where I am today. Don't get me wrong, it is still early days but right now I feel so much better in myself and I want to continue to work on the foundations that I am laying for my future. My body has been kind to me today (yest) and I have more confidence than ever. I surprised myself, this interim job I have involves not just driving but cooking, organizing orders, taking calls etc etc, sure this stuff is far from rocket science but I picked up everything straight away, my short term memory was actually working almost perfectly and the manager made a point of telling me how surprised he was that I could just walk in and produce almost the same performance as the guy who has worked there on and off for twenty years. If I had taken this on a week ago then my head would be all over the place and I wouldn't have made such an impression. I really didn't think I could feel like this after such a short period of time.

I didn't work in the end Fri night as my decision making took a turn for the worse! I put too much oil in my car. Lol. Take note, if the dipstick shows more than a few millimeters past the max level then it can cause some serious damage to the engine. Fortunately my ex-girlfriends father is a mechanic and he drained some out for me today, I tried myself but the bolt was B*****ed and needed a decent ratchet set. Fortunately it was a five minute job and only cost me a bottle of wine.

Anyways enough about that, I want to ask if you guys can share any experiences of using anti-depressants. The doctor prescribed some tablets to increase the serotonin levels in my brain to try and help me through this tough period but I feel as though I don't want them. I don't want to go through that initial period where you adjust to them and the side effects that come with it, I also worry that I will get used to them and again the side effects of coming off them might complicate things, I really don't know how I will react to them and feel extremely dubious about the whole thing. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated. I haven't picked up the prescription and have another appointment with the doctor next Friday, my plan is to leave it until then and discuss it with him after 11 days clean from both addictions. Today is day 6 (clocks literally just went forward on my PC) and I haven't ever made it this far before. I just worry that the drugs (prescribed) will have an adverse effect.

I need to go now as it is bed time, my brain isn't working too well at this moment in time but at least it is down to a perfectly normal and understandable reason - tiredness.

I want to thank you guys again and will invest some more time in writing and trying to help others with their journeys as I have hardly been around here this past week. I hope you guys are in good spirits and I love you all, that includes you pervy JS ; ) (JS - your support is invaluable, thank you)

Hi mate! I am encouraged also by yr determination a great help to myself!you'll see Iv had a recent blip on my fight but we have to work together by postin and sharing experience!

I do clinical trails pal to help pay the bills 1 every 12 weeks to help cure illnesses like diabetes,arthritis ect and these tend to pay out good brass Iv you can take time to get on them! I got £700 a few week back for 3 nites away! straight into the wife's bank for holiday funds! Worth looking into. Look up weneedyou on google pal. Keep strong

Hey alex. Ive read the majority of your diary and just wanted to drop a line as my situation is similar.

Online poker. What a nightmare eh.

How well can you play? I'll answer, i bet you are one of the best arent you? I know this because i am too.

What can we learn from this? No matter how good you are at poker, theres always a complete donk round the corner that has more money than sense.

You'll sit there for an hour waiting for the perfect cards in the perfect situation, only for that donk to call with rotting s****a of cards and knock you iut of the tournament that was going to put you back in the black...right?

You know exactly what im talking about dont you.

We need to accept this mate. Because it will always be this way.

I cant offer you any advice, but know if you need a chat im more than happy

Cheers for sharing your story

Hi Alex

How's it going? Haven't seen you around in ages and was wondering if all is ok with you?

Hope it is mate! If you read this, let us know how you're doing.

Hi Alex,

Let me know you are OK mate?

I have just relapsed and miss your comments and chats. Hopefully we can help each other again soon.

Wilsy

Alex,

I don't know if you ever check in here just for a look anymore even if you don't want to post or update your diary but just in case you do I would like to let you know that you were a massive support to me back at the beginning of my journey when I first came to this site. I still appreciate this very much and would love to see you back here one day. Failing that I expect to see you on T.V. one day just you and your guitar and the rest of your new band as you start out on your journey to the top of the music industry.

Tomso.

Alex,

I have just re-read your diary and it still blows me away. I don't think a week has passed that I don't think about you and in all honesty every time I come onto this forum I wish to see a message from you. You were a tremendous help to me and it saddens me that you are no longer active on this site. I would trully love to hear from you one day whether you are doing well or otherwise.

Tomso.

Hi all and happy belated Xmas greetings!

So it has been roughly 9 months since I last wrote in my diary and I have to start off by apologizing to those who were left wondering, worried or even a bit P***** off with my sudden disappearance. I think I just wanted a time out from all gambling talk, that mixed with a cognitive behaviour therapist that I saw (just once) who gave me her opinion that sites and forums like this doesn't really help!? I may have misunderstood the lady but I cant agree with her and thought of it as a bit unprofessional on her part, but at the time I think I rolled with the idea. Sorry all!

So why come back? Well there are a many reasons really. 1: I have understood for a long while now that this is a lifelong illness / addiction (call it what you will) and all the support on offer can only help. 2: I wanted to read through my diary and see where I am now in relation to then. 3: I wanted to put things back into perspective by reading mine and others diaries. 4: I want to offer support where I can to those most in need. 5: I wanted to catch up with others and their progress.

Where am I at with the gambling I hear you ask??? Well, its still present, even if I was at day 200 odd it would still be there but the truth is I am coping and gambling no longer shrouds over my entire life which is so very comforting. I have tried to take control of it but do not feel as though I have fully let go which is what I need to do next!

Seeing that I have been generous with my details in past diary posts, I intend to continue in the same vein, giving you as much as I can, or whatever is necessary.

What has happened since March? So I bought an Xbox console to offer me a quick alternative for when I became bored during downtime, this really has helped and I am glad I did so, I can play it for hours which isn't a good thing at all but I would rather that then spending all of my money! I found a lovely lady around this time too and was traveling to her place most weekends. She understood the dangers and potential fallout that a CG could bring with them into a relationship as her brother is also dealing with the same issues, however she obviously liked me enough : ) as she said she would give me some chances, I suggested that if my gambling or expenditure ever came between us or caused a problem (i.e. not having money to see her etc) then we should probably call it a day, I wanted to protect her in case this monster reared its angry head again!

So roughly 4 months in and I had been in control of my online deposits, I had a new focus, I was happy, I was becoming more sociable and looked forwards, not back. I had spent roughly £450 across this period which was still too much but nothing in comparision to prior years. Although I was mostly happy, the relationship was tough, I can't tell all here but a lot happened in this short period and there were many complicating factors, we split up at one point but had got through it. Then one day I got a random text message late at night from her saying that she isn't good enough for me and that we should call it a day! It was completely out of the blue, there was no prior argument, everything seemed fine??! I was fed up and didn't want to have to deal with it, I thought it would be best for her to sleep on it and we could talk properly the next day... That night I had a couple of games of poker, this is when I lost control for the first time in a long time. Going into it a bit angry, frustrated, sad, confused, lots of emotions flying around my body and mind was not a good idea. I became irrational and I overspent, the demons had crept back into my life, "well i don't have a girlfriend now so it doesn't matter what I do with my money" I started chasing and cleared my bank account, I then got a £650 payday loan (What about me! My own self respect and need for money! This didn't enter my mind!) I subsequently gambled the loan and fell into that familiar pit of despair.

I went cap in hand to my family who once again helped me out, I made an arrangement to pay off the loan myself. The next day I spoke to my girlfriend regarding the text and all was cleared up, it was all rather silly really!!! Then I told her about my blow up, to which she was shocked but very generous with her support and understanding. Her brother was attending GA at the time and she even offered to go along to the separate meeting for family, partners etc, to which I was incredibly touched, especially as I have never attended a meeting. A week or so had passed and it was then that I thought no more small bets, i have to stay away and cannot put myself in that position again. It was then that I began abstaining from gambling all together, my mother had kindly offered to text me on a daily basis, clocking up my gamble free days which was a huge help. I set down a target of 3 months then I would reward myself. I did it! 3 months under my belt, in control, but also a critical time where complacency is involved.

Still not letting go... ("I miss poker so much!!!") How about I log my deposits and set a limit of £50 a month, I can do that, I can win tourneys, I can afford £50 a month and if I don't win, then I've had my fun. November was no problem, I had some games on various days and spent my £50 across the month but with no profit. December comes but I couldn't afford to play, (Xmas, bills, ill from work and time off work for xmas) so I continued to be vigilant and not deposit anything until the 23rd when I got some more pay. Monies still tight for the next couple of weeks so after looking at my available balance I decided to deposit just £8 (It simply rounded down my balance and was what I could afford) I used it to play poker and did really well (plus lots of luck) by turning it into £120. That will do me, I shall withdraw it "Merry Xmas". Grr, I have to wait 48 hours after a deposit in order to withdraw. I then went away for Xmas celebrations and thought I'd withdraw it when I got back. I came back and fancied a game, do I withdraw it all and use my remaining £42 from the limit I set, nope as I cant afford it. I tried to withdraw some of it but before it confirmed it stated that I was eligible for a bonus and by withdrawing I wouldn't receive it, I cancelled the withdrawal and thought I'd play with a little bit and investigate the bonus at some point. (Anyone who frequents these online gambling sites will be well aware that depositing is a breeze but you will often have to jump through certain hoops if you want to withdraw, always leaving CG's enough time to blow it all before it lands in their bank! b******s!) Anyways, after getting my balance up to £200 I ended up losing the entire bankroll by wanting more, upping the ante and turning greedy. I was frustrated and wanted it back. At that moment I could sense those triggers, the engulfment was lurking, that destructive, wreckless monster was about to take over and I was scared, I wasn't myself. I turned my phone off and walked away. The frustration soon died down when I reminded myself that I have only spent £8 in December on gambling, but it was also a reminder of how an £8 deposit can also go the other way and lead to me spending money that I cant afford to spend, it would also result in me not being able to travel away for New Years to Jam with some friends : ) It's going to be a happy new year : )

So there you have it, my story thus far. I still have the software on my laptop and phone but I think it is time to once again, finally lay it to rest. There are too many lows, it isn't all that fun (except when you have a hand maybe) and it is too big a risk for me to continue. I have lost many things due to gambling and I cherish and thank those who have stood by me. Is that little bit of enjoyment or buzz worth it when I know I could lose everything I have in 5 / 10 / 20 years time, in a moment of madness or during a mid life crisis. I don't think so!

Hasta La Vista Baby!

Alexis