My Diary of Shame

Hi ODATT,

thanks for taking the time to post on my thread. I have followed your progress over the months and feel the need to say that I think you are doing fantastic.

not only in keeping yourself free from gambling but even more so in the way you take time to help the others in here.

i like your approach, how you lay it out straight when needed and the support you constantly give away for free.

You are helping more people than you know.

160 days. I'm sure you are proud. You should be. All any of us can do is progress day to day with positivity and good choices.

I see you doing that and I'm happy for you.

All the best, john.

Hey ODAAT, isn't it about time for an update to your diary?! You have a little band of followers now (of which I am a member) 🙂

x

Hi ODAAT
Thanks for your post and support on my recovery diary.
I see you are well ahead of me so continue doing what you are doing
Take care
Cheryl x

Well hello diary, I'm here under duress as I hate to disappoint anyone but myself 😉

I am undecided why I have been putting it off but thank-you for the push.

I have not had any urges lately that require the physical action of a Ninja chop followed by some strong vocals along the lines of 'no, not today you don't!' So I guess that final grisly chapter into the decent of my personal hell must appear...

I had reduced my available cash withdrawal to £100 on my debit card. I often considered that over a month, if I could physically gamble everyday, this was still me saying I would 'only' lose £3000 but I quickly ignored those concerns, I mean, I work full time, there was no possible way I could do it everyday! I carried our joint credit card with a £300 cash withdrawal facility but this was risky if OH ever saw the bills! I then took over Mum's account (having bailed her out again) & was holding her card for her! Genius, now I could phone bank money across from mine to hers & withdraw another £300 per day! I used the money in order, mine (well I say mine, I mean whatever loan company had bailed me out last), mine from Mum's account & then the joint credit card. Most days if the shops were open, I'd sprint about like a maniac (hoping no-one went on 'my' machine(s) I preferred to play 2), buying stuff I didn't need (like food) to get a couple of £50 cash backs on top. All the money from 'downsizing' was now well & truely spent, anything Nan gave me, hot on it's heels & needless to say the incomings & outgoings still weren't balancing. I confessed to OH that I had a 'bit of an issue' with gambling. He was cool with it, 'it's your money', little did he know 🙁

I had self excluded from all available Bingo halls & fruit machine shops within a substantial distance of my house by now & I have no idea how it happened (I believe an advert of my favourite game may well have pulled me in) but one day, to my disgust, I wound up in a Bookies. I only played cash to start with as I had no idea you could just go to the counter & do a switch transaction, brilliant, like I needed any more help destroying my life! I was also v loath to go the the counter & cash in my piece of paper but with no choice, I soon became a dab hand @ this! Play, get some money back, maybe even win some, cash it in, poke it all back in the machine, maybe get a bit back, cash it in, poke it back in a machine (I wasn't always so focused in here, liked to play all 4 machines, & sometimes even different games). Run to the bank, start over! Until I realised I just needed to pop back to the counter & hand over my bank card! Come on, quickly, quickly - why is everyone in such a rush in those places? Everyone on our side of the counter anyway...The other side, it's like they are moving in slow motion! Count the money 16 times or 'Got to wait for the safe to open' you say, 'may as well play on for a bit then, let me know when I can cash out'...Really? May as well have just been honest with them 'ok, you win, I'll just go & poke it back in, see you when it's all gone to try & do another bank withdrawal!' £1 & £2 stakes, ha, not anymore...5 spins for £20 much better & then some depending on how much I was losing. The more I was down, the more I risked...Madness! Sometimes, I would put money back on my card, some days I'd leave with money & go to the bank to pay it in! Most times, I went straight on back to playing, holding my breath as they tried another withdrawal for me, sprinting out to withdraw on my credit card when the bank stopped playing ball! Then straight home to do another balance transfer on my credit card or take out another loan. I remortgaged, took out extra money, anything I could do to 'replace what I'd lost'. I started self excluding from these, what a joke, I spent a fortune in photos, couldn't keep up! I started texting OH when I felt vulnerable...He never said the right thing so I gambled anyway, blamed him. Nasty 🙁 Until finally...

You know the rest! The End

ODAAT, your story is very encouraging. Well done on the progress that you have made!

Hi ODAAT

The comment on my thread was not about you nor anyone who has posted on my diary. As I said I was reading a lot of diaries and just wrote what I felt.
Take care
Cheryl x

Morning everyone, I have spent the night in deep contemplation...No amount of writing could do justice to that final chapter but I'm thinking that maybe getting it out was somewhat cathartic! By the same token, I feel more like a blooming fraud now than ever before! I've read my diary, I'm walking this path & it's all there pretty much, it sounds so simple so why did it take me this long to get here 🙁 Here's me stomping along, money in the bank, having no real trouble when the urges come, preaching to others about how it will get better & wondering who am I to give that advice! Normarily, this would floor me but the reality is, this was my do or die! I had no choice but to recover, I had finally found the strength to allow feelings into my life & had I carried on, I would be back to that lonely destructive figure that I became whilst gambling! Now, I have sun in my life every day, I am getting married & I am not scared to get up in the morning for what havoc I will wreak today...Staying in recovery has become so much more important than placing a bet & for this & all the people who have made it possible, I THANK-YOU all from the bottom of my heart.

Choosing 'No' - ODAAT

Morning ODAAT,

Recovery is quite an amazing experience, we are learning more every day, about ourselves and life around us, that maybe before gambling we took for granted and whilst in the midst of gambling oblivious to real life, but having gone through the hell and back with the addiction, and now feeling comfortable with life, don't think you are a fraud, you are not, you are a recovering CG, who now knows recovery is far more important than any thought to throw your life away, you know even one little bet could/would self destruct you, that does definitely not make you a fraud, embrace these good times, and keep,doing what you are doing, because you are doing just great.

Suzanne xx

Thanks for your post and support on my diary and well done with your continued recovery.

I feel gripped when reading your diary so interesting maybe you could write a book.

Morning ODAAT,I've just read your last diary entry,I have to admit I was chuckling along as I read as it describes my days in the bookies to a tee,got to wait for the safe to open,ok,I'll just put a few quid in this one while I'm waiting! It's so sad it's funny,we're all so different but so alike! It's great to see you come out the other side and a real inspiration,keep up the great work!xx

Thanks again odaat for popping by and giving me your support. Just noticed you ve posted your latest chapter of your "diary of shame" so I will have a quick read.

That last post is great mate... Well done keep up the good work and thanks for the continued support!!!

Morning,have a good day,f****n freezing in sunny Manchester this morning!xx

Hi ODAAT!

I think I am part responsible for the 'duress' but am glad that I am because you are now pleased to have finished your story 🙂

I haven't done the betting shop thing but have gone through similar 'while I am waiting' feelings and actions with pending withdrawals on line. The devil himself invented pending withdrawals. I feel sick at the thought of how much I have thrown away in reversing those withdrawals - it looks like we all have those feelings of shame. But here you are, so far into your recovery. And here I am, 12 days into mine. As it stands today, I don't think I will go back to living that zombie existance of lurching from one pay day to another living as though I am earning minimum wage when in actual fact I earn a good salary. I hope I don't anyway, and that is through getting support from you and others like you on here so thank you. I agree with Taxi Man, you should write a book.

Can I ask what your thoughts are on the National Lottery? I only ever spent £2 a week on a ticket and as I have had complete control over that (I don;t think I would dream of doing more than 1 line), I would still 'like' to do the lottery. But, I appreciate it is gambling.... Does is make me a bad gamble-a-holic (my sons name for me, in jest of course! If only he knew)?

Thanks again ODAAT

Rach x

Thanks for the support again on my diary, and the Lotto advice, great minds think alike I think. I don't see the lottery in the same class as slots and surely if you're lucky enough to have a lottery win you would have more to do with your time than gamble? Personally, I would go travelling to all the countries on my bucket list - Australia, Canada, Hawaii plus loads more, buy my son everything that I have said no to in the past 4 or 5 years (that he still wants), complete personal overhaul - perhaps a nip and a tuck, a bit of charity work for the homeless, design and build a new home of my dreams, I'd be so busy living that I wouldn't have the time to gamble (or the boredom factor which I now realise was a biggie for me).

re; the book, I know a few people in publishing as it goes!! There's a novel or 2 in these forums that's for sure. Something to think about in time maybe, but you're right, the shame *embarrassed face* :=( ha ha!