My Diary of Shame

I know, I sound like a would be beauty queen right?! But seriously, having looked homelessness in the face this past month and living on severe lack of money this month has given me the shock of my life. I've made £40 last 2 weeks, have discovered the delights of Aldi and just how cheap you can live if your back's up against the wall. I've got £22 to last me until payday (28th) but have enough dinners in the freezer for 8 more days so £22 is fine, although I have had to come up with some supreme lies as to why I can't meet friends for a coffee (imagine that, can't even afford a blooming coffee?!?!) I'm gonna get me down to the supermarket on payday and buy a trolley load of food for the local foodbank. There but for the grace of God and all that.

Have a fab rest of the evening ODAAT!

Miss Charitable, Miss Congeniality and Miss Photogenic 😉

By the way, congratulations on the getting wed business! Perhaps there's hope for me yet? x

Hi ODAAT

Your posts on my diary are so encouraging. I've sat and read through yours thoroughly!!

You hit the nail on the head so many times, about the psychology behind this problem - putting in a tank of petrol and thinking "how can I gamble this money back?" as you're paying for it! I remember paying £50 for car oil in Halfords and then at the weekend going into the casino in Aberdeen and playing double columns to get the money back! Which I managed.. Then I think of the times I bought something and tried to win it back and lost much more....

You've done brilliantly to get this far!! Keep going!! 🙂

Hi ODAAT,

thanks for the post.

The last line raised a big smile. It's a beautiful thought. 'Stay happily in recovery forever'

I hope you are happy ODAAT.

Best wishes, john

169 days - wow what an achievement.

Congratulations on your forthcoming wedding too !

I enjoy checking in on you from time to time and seeing how it is possible to stay gamble free for a sustained period of time.

Keep at it 🙂

Clare x

Well dear diary, tonight I am here to ponder the question that we debated @ work...Is addiction an illness that should be funded by the NHS? Aside from the crusty old bloke who was born round about the early 1900's (I reckon) & who wouldn't have known that smoking was bad for you, we are all of the generation that knows:

1) If you eat too much, you get fat & sick

2) If you drink too much, you get sick

3) If you smoke, you get sick

4) If you do drugs, you get sick

5) If you gamble too much you get poor

& I was all for actually we all have these choices to make! Yes, some come with government health warnings but we all know right from wrong. I argued no-one wakes up fat overnight so that could be nipped in the bud. I argued that even if people don't feel themselves getting drunk, downing 10 pints is quite likely to only have one outcome so know your limits. I argued that anyone trying smoking is a fool because I've yet to hear anyone say their 1st drag was everything they expected & more. I argued that anyone who tried drugs is a criminal, I mean you don't walk into a supermarket & pick them up off the shelf! I argued that everytime a person places a bet they know if they can afford it or not. I was fairly convinced by now that they can't be illnesses so the NHS should therefore not fit the bill but then what about s*x? No health warning, no detrimental effect on the body, obviously one has to practise it safely but aside from the ridiculous expense of condoms, no financial loss! This doesn't fit the other moulds but harmless enjoyment of an otherwise perfectly safe pastime can result in an addiction which therefore would tend to disprove my theory. By now we'd shared a few tales of 'relatives' stealing to fund habits & people spreading butter so thick you could leave teeth marks but it had turned into a soliloquy, & in the absence of any cans of a primary coloured male cow, everyone else had wandered back to their desks for a snooze. I was left to draw my own surprising conclusion that despite what gets us to the point in our relationship with whatever our poison (or poisons in many cases) is that we need help then, @ that point, it is indeed an illness not a life choice! I suppose it's similar to an adrenaline J****E finding themselves in A&E, they knew the risks but at the time, they seemed worth taking! It has made me a little more sympathetic towards my mother & extremely grateful that I have managed to get into recovery without this extra help! Once again, the power of this site is phenomenal & I again wish to extend my thanks to everyone here posting & helping each other stay on the right path - ODAAT

Hi ODAAT,

Interesting post you have wrote there. I do think this gambling addiction is an illness...but the one where only person itself can treat and get under control.

Good to see you marching on. Keep up the good work

Sandra xx

Hi ODAAT ,thanks for your post on my diary. Just read through yours, I noticed on your first entry you said no gambling as on holiday, it brought memories back when I went away with my wife and 1 yr old son back then 3 years ago.

I was using the hotels free wifi to log on and gamble on stupid horses on wolverhamton betting 2-300 quid each race on complete donkeys running around the track! Utter madness, then the thrill of looking up quick results to see if it'd won, the adrenaline rush was intense, followed by seeing the horse i bet on didnt finish in the top 3 , resulting in doubling my stake to where i lost around 2k in a matter of hours, resulting in the gut wrenching sick feeling for the rest of the holiday , depression and genuine holiday wrecker. I dont want to go back to that!

Things seem pretty good for both of us, keep it up, and dont get complacent!

Hi ODAAT,

Thanks for your post on my diary.

Keep strong my friend.

All the best

Ade

Hey ODATT thanks for your recent posts on my diary means so much.

Always a great read coming on your diary I'm goin back a few days but really interesting reading about the sed fizzy drink as its pretty much all I've drunk in my whole life bar the odd cup of tea n alcoholic beverages now and again. Have never contemplated giving it up probably should do and will bear your post in mind.

Hope you had a great weekend

Thank you for taking the time to write in my diary xx

Hi ODAAT,

Thanks for you post, and I totally agree with you about this site/forum, I don't know if I would have been able to have come this far without it, I have not used GA or anything else, just here and 100% commitment to myself for me and my family.

It's good to read that you are in a strong and positive place, where gambling has no part.

Your posts are an inspiration to us all, keep doing what you are doing, it's sure working.

Have a great gambling free day

Suzanne xx

Hi ODAAT,

Thanks for the continued support 🙂 It was only £30 but yes, I got 6 crisp £5 notes and promptly spent 3 of them on a chinese - haven't had one in months so I am now mum of the year - he's easily pleased! So, £15 in my purse and a nice meal, nothing to any unscrupulous casinos, and no feeling of disgust this morning so all's good.

I agree with your conclusion of your earlier post on your diary - I actually believe that this vile addiction of ours is a mental health issue. The problem then is admitting to a professional that we have a mental health issue because of all of the ramifications that come with that, so I'm not going down that road. I've suffered depression, both mild and extreme in the past but not since I had my son until the grip of gambling took hold (which I see as another outlet for stress etc). Anyhow, I got myself out of it in the past as Prozac and similar happy pills did nothing but worsen my state of mind, so I am getting myself out of it again with the support of you lovely people. Hope your day is a good one.

Rach

Morning ODAAT,

I feel genuinely honoured that you have took the time to read my diary and I am sooo pleased you have been able to take stuff from it, I don't say the word stuff lightly but to me that's the only way I can describe it at this time lol. I did exactly the same as you, checking people's days say 20 days ahead to see if I was going to feel like that, and knowing what to expect if I did.

Sometimes my urges have been very strong, out of the blue, no matter what frame of mind I have been in ( my moods and feelings still change everyday) as I posted to Cheryl this morning, I did feel somewhat guilty about writing different feelings nearly every day

On my diary, as if I my feelings weren't/ aren't genuine if that makes sense, but I have realised that of course they are and I should not feel ungenuine, ( if that's a real word lol) the point of my diary is to state how I feel everyday, as everyday is different.

But as I was saying sometimes the urges come out of nowhere, when least expected, and sometimes I can feel them building up days before sneaking quietly in, am glad you understand this otherwise you would think I am nuts lol,

This taking one day at a time has now become even more important to me because it really is one day at a time with feelings, and everything else that goes on in our lives.

I find it very comforting to know that you understand my recovery and that you can relate to it, and that you can take positives( and stuff lol ) from it, I have no urges at all at this time, the thought sickens me, but my flashbacks of when I gambled are more frequent at this time, like at the beginning of my recovery. But I am using this as a positive because it does make me feel sick at this time.

I understand what you are saying about your Mum, I guess it's easier to say no to your children than to your Mum, but you must be strong and start saying no, because we know it is just feeding her addiction, she may like many of us have to reach rock bottom, before she can move away from it.but I understand it's hard for you, yes it was hard for me to say no to my son, but I am glad I did, they still came up for Xmas, and I gave him just enough Xmas money(Xmas pressie) to buy himself something, it was not enough to gamble with or pay his debts,

You are doing great with 166 days under your belt, don't be too annoyed when those urges come, feel proud that you are dealing with them and learning to understand them.

You are defintely not trailing behind me, you are walking along side with me and I feel proud and comforted to know you are there.

Have a great gambling free day

Suzanne xxx

Hi ODAAT,

Sorry, can't make this a jolly one having read your last post on my diary but promise the next one will be :o)

So sorry about your sister, that sucks. That really sucks. I feel I should say more about it but honestly can't think of what to say other than sorry 🙁 Interesting that both your mum and sis suffered with depression though, my mum did too. Feeling that I need to qualify my stint with the big D, my parents both died in quick succession when I was a teenager and I fell into deep, deep despair. Since then had a few bouts of milder depression but I think it all goes back to losing my mum and dad and constantly feeling hard done by as I haven't had that crutch to fall back on that most other people have. But, onwards and upwards - I am a big girl now (I don't feel middle aged, I think of Terry and June when I hear middle aged and that's definitely not me!) so sorting my life out. Again. !!

So, my not really Terry and June type middle aged friend, thanks again for your post. I will brew up a few funnies later and make you laugh tomorrow ;o)

Rach x

Morning ODATT,

I love your name because one day at a time is more important to me at this time, since the beginning of my recovery. Because it is one day at a time with our lives, and that can only be good for us.

I am sooo pleased you are taking (stuff lol) from my diary to help aide your recovery, you have made me smile and made mr have a good start to my gambling free day. AsDuncs says, you have gifted me today in my recovery (lol)

I am also off to take my little yorkie for a walk, and then off to the shopping centre(a small one within walking distance) I live in village/town environment, which is about 8 miles from Leeds. But it has all the goody shops, B+M, HBargains, Pound shops, Jack Fultons and of course charity shops galore lol.

And I also come on here like you, when I have a coffee, break, etc lol. But being on here is only good for us, even if we think we might be getting addicted to it lol. it's far healthier and safer etc.

Enjoy your day,

Suzanne xxx